Chapter 6: Resolutions

I spotted Chloe immediately when I walked in. She sat nestled in the corner, staring out the window. I could tell she knew I was there by how she tightened up, but she didn’t acknowledge me. She looked awful; I could tell she hadn’t slept.

I made my way over carefully, almost like she had somehow put grenades underneath the chipped tiles of the coffee shop. If I did manage to stumble on one, I certainly deserved it.

When I made it over safely, I dropped into the seat across from her. A waitress came over and I ordered a coffee, trying to keep my voice quiet. I don’t know why. Maybe I felt like if I didn’t disturb her too much with my presence she wouldn’t yell at me. We wouldn’t have to deal with this. It was silly, like a little girl’s fantasy.

Chloe finally shifted and reached for the steaming cup in front of her. The waitress brought my own a few seconds later. Then we were alone.

After a few long and tortuous minutes, she looked up at me. “How long?”

The question startled me. Of course it was perhaps the most reasonable one to start off with, but I was surprised. It dawned on me she thought maybe we had begun when they were still married and I was horrified.

“About two weeks,” I whispered.

She put more sugar into her coffee and stirred. The sound of the spoon against the mug seemed so loud.

“I guess I figured out who he was fucking, huh?”

“I’m so sorry, Chloe. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She smiled without humor. “You know, I really hate it when people say that. What you mean is I didn’t mean for you to find out. Of course you knew it would hurt me, otherwise you wouldn’t have snuck around.”

I didn’t say anything.

“I just keep wondering how you could be so stupid. You saw what happened with me.” She took a sip of her coffee and looked me over. “Do you really think you’ll be any different? What the hell do you guys do together, besides sex? He’ll grow bored of you, if he isn’t bored already.”

She looked at me with hate and a splash of pity. I wasn’t sure which was worse.

I tried to pick up my cup but my hand was shaking. “I can’t explain it, but Patrick and I really enjoy each other. I know that’s messed up and I know it must hurt you but I can’t help how I feel. I don’t know what to do. I ... I love him.”

Chloe’s blue eyes sparkled with perverse amusement. “Yes, I’m sure you do. I bet you even think he loves you, too.” She took in a shuddering breath. “I heard him say it to you, of course, but Patrick isn’t really known for his honesty. Plus, he was inside of you. A guy will say anything when he’s fucking some slut.”

The words were large knives that Chloe slowly and expertly stabbed inside of me. No one can hurt you quite like a sister can. They know the buttons to press, the insecurities you have, the best weapons to use against you. They understand the sizzling burn of a single word.

I was unsure of what to say or do. I couldn’t tell her she was wrong; even I wasn’t exactly sure where Patrick and I stood, in spite of everything we’d said and done together. I wanted to defend myself and my burgeoning relationship, but it felt wrong to shout the words at Chloe. She was the injured party here, not me.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know how to say how sorry I am. Everything falls short,” was the best I could come up with.

I had envisioned all sorts of great and convincing things to tell Chloe. I thought our relationship would recover somehow. Now, sitting across from her with nothing but coffee between us, I wasn’t sure.

“I wish I could feel sorry for you,” Chloe bit out. She started to cry. “You’re going to have a rude awakening sometime soon, Nina. And you won’t have your family to fall back on. You’ll have no one. You’ll be totally alone.” She grabbed her bag and stood up.

She threw a couple of dollar bills on the table and gazed down at me for a moment. I looked up at her, forcing myself to meet her glare, and studied her face. It was the face of the sister who waited for me at the bus stop every morning and afternoon. She was the sister who kicked Tommy Parker in the balls for calling me ugly in the 7th grade. She was the sister I shared so many laughs with over the years, who let me borrow her favorite dresses, who understood me for all the times crappy boyfriends and screwy friends didn’t.

“Was it worth it?” she asked quietly.

Then she spun on her heel and disappeared out the door. At a loss, I sipped my coffee. It had gone cold.

When I got back to my apartment, I felt my cell vibrate. The display said Mom.

I didn’t want to answer it. I was depressed, alone and terrified. I just knew this time Chloe had told her, that my secret was fully out. I didn’t know how she would react. Mom and Dad both disliked Patrick. Mom told me once he gave her the creeps; he was “scheming” and “calculating”. Yes, he was definitely all those things, but he never had the chance to show her the good parts of him. The wonderful parts that shocked me every time he let me see them, no matter how familiar they’d become.

“Hi, Mom.”

I heard her take a deep breath. “Nina. Your sister was just here. What the hell is going on?”

“I’ve been...” The words got trapped in my throat. I swallowed and tried again. “I’ve been seeing Patrick. It’s been going on for two weeks or so. I didn’t know how to tell her, and she found out before I could.” My voice was flat, devoid of feeling.

“Jesus,” Mom whispered. “I thought you hated him.”

“Me, too.”

“Chloe is so upset.” Mom made a sound of disapproval. “Did you have to go after her ex-husband?” My father said something in the background that was thankfully muffled.

“I didn’t plan to, Mom. It just happened.”

She sighed. “Nothing just happens.” She said something to my dad and then came back to me. “Honestly, what the hell am I supposed to do? How could you put me in this situation? I’m in the middle of my two children.” She was silent for a minute. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Then she groaned. “And how could you put yourself in this kind of situation? He’s not a good guy, Nina. You can’t possibly think this is going to work. He’s screwing around, trying to hurt you both. Can’t you see that? Not to mention, I think your relationship with your sister is going to suffer for a long time. Her face ... God, I can’t get over it. I can’t.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, how are you going to fix it?”

Someone knocked on my door. I looked through the peephole and saw Patrick standing on the other side, holding a take-out bag and looking tired.

“What do you suggest I do?” I let Patrick in and gave him a small smile.

He scanned me up and down, almost like he expected me to be covered in bruises.

“Well, for one thing, you have to get rid of Patrick. Don’t you think that’s obvious? I don’t know what you were thinking about. That man is trouble on many levels. I don’t like him and I don’t want him around you, not to mention what it’s doing to your sister.”

Patrick’s gaze lingered on my face and his features scrunched together in concern. He put his palm on my cheek. For the first time in my life, in spite of everything, I felt completely cared for by someone. Adored. Loved.

“Mom, I have to go. I’ll call you when we’ve all calmed down a bit.”

“Don’t you dare hang up! Nina!”

I pressed “end”. It didn’t feel good, but nothing would at that moment. Patrick took another long look at me and whatever was in my face made him wrap his arms around me. For the millionth time since this all began, I couldn’t believe I was seeking comfort from someone who was once my arch-nemesis.

“I love you, you know,” he said a few minutes later. He kissed my hair and stepped back, meeting my eyes.

“I know.” And I did.

What I didn’t know was if it would always be enough.

He smiled and got us two plates, putting food on them. He brought them out to the living room and I followed, watching as he put on a game show. We sat there together, not really paying attention to the TV or even to the delicious food in front of us.

I thought for a long time in that darkened living room, my shoulder against Patrick’s. I loved Patrick and he loved me. Maybe it wouldn’t always be rainbows and unicorns and pixie dust. In fact, it wasn’t even that now. The point was you never really know if loving one another is always going to be enough. It was enough right then, in that moment, laughing with our mouths full at someone’s stupid answer.

Yes, I decided, kissing his eyebrow. It was enough right now. That’s all that mattered.

A week later I was organizing my messy apartment. At the back of my closet, I found a pair of sexy heels Chloe bought me for my last birthday. I hadn’t ever worn them; I never really had an occasion. I slipped them on while cleaning, feeling a bit more glamorous. And a little sad.

We still hadn’t spoken. I didn’t know what to do. Since our last meeting went so poorly, it didn’t make sense to ask her to meet with me again. An e-mail felt insufficient. I rambled whenever I left her voicemails, hardly getting to the point. Text messages were totally out of the question.

I called her every now and then, leaving her a trivial voicemail about how I ran into someone we used to go to school with, or about a sale going on at her favorite store. I wanted to show her how much I missed her, how important she was to me. I hoped to remind her the same about me, but who knew if that was true anymore.