Chapter 59: There’s One More Thing I Need to Learn

June 16, 2001, Honolulu, Oahu, Hawaii

🎤 Steve

“Nice to meet you,” Doctor Loucks said. “This is Doctor Clarissa Saunders.”

“Just Clarissa, please,” she said, shaking my hand.

“It’s good to finally be able to put a face to the name,” Doctor Loucks said.

“I’m missing something,” I replied.

Clarissa laughed, “Mike has been a part of your life since High School, and you never knew it!”

“Interesting. So what am I missing?”

Mike laughed, “I played competitive chess and knew about a chess player from Milford who was involved in inventing ‘strip chess’!”

“Not one of the wiser things I’ve done!”

“I also know some of the same people you know - Doctor Fran Mercer, Dona Bingham, Larry Higgins, and Anna Wilson. We even met a guy who lived with you back in 1985.”

“Jorge?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes. He’d made a campus visit at Taft, and imagine my surprise when I saw him walking along the street in Chicago. If we hadn’t had so little time because of our flight to Europe, I’d have had him bring me to your house!”

“And I’ve met your sister and her husband, and your friend Emmy,” I replied. “And I know you’ve met Jess. Is the rest of your family here?”

“Sensei Steve?” Mitsuko called out. “Miyu needs you, please.”

“Excuse me,” I said. “Duty calls!”

I walked away as Jessica introduced everyone else, something I’d been remiss about because of Doctor Loucks’ comment about putting a face to a name. Mitsuko led me to where Hisataka and Miyu were standing, clad in traditional Japanese wedding garb, with a Shinto priest. I bowed to him and he returned the bow. We spent about ten minutes going over the intricate ceremony, and I was reminded of the ‘tea ceremony’ Sakurako had performed for me. My role was simple - to place the offering of an evergreen branch on the altar just after Hisataka’s father did the same.

The «神前結婚» (Shinzen kekkon), or ‘Marriage before the kami’, began with an exchange of saké before an altar on which rice, salt, water, and fruit had been placed, along with the wedding rings. I realized that there were serious parallels to the Orthodox betrothal and crowning ceremony, which I’d seen when Dave and Julia had married. The priest stood to the right and a young woman who’d been identified as a «巫女» (miko), a priestess, stood to the left. Everyone else stood a short distance away behind tables which contained sake and an assortment of fruits and berries.

The priest began by speaking in Japanese, calling on the «kami» to take notice, then began the saké ceremony, which was the core component of the wedding ritual. It was complex, and involved three servings poured into three cups, and drunk in three sips. The first cup was the smallest, and Hisataka drank first before giving the cup to Miyu. The second cup was somewhat larger, and went to Miyu first. The third, and largest cup, went to Hisataka first.

Once they’d completed that ritual, they moved closer to the altar and Hisataka read his vows. Miyu had told me that normally, the bride did not read vows, but she’d elected to include her own vows so as to signify the partnership. When she finished her vows, we all drank saké, something I’d cleared with Mary and Al beforehand, and then Hisataka’s father led everyone in the traditional Japanese cheer of «乾杯» (kampai), or ‘drink up!’.

The priest then offered a vase with wands of «榊» (sakaki), a Japanese evergreen. Once he’d placed it on the altar, Hisataka and Miyu followed suit, as did Hisataka’s father, and finally, me, standing in for Miyu’s father. Once we’d completed the offerings, the rings were exchanged, and the marriage ceremony was complete. Hisataka’s father said, first in Japanese, and then in English, that the couple were now married, and invited everyone to participate in a celebration meal which would be held in a banquet hall on the grounds.

I turned and saw Sensei Jim, so I walked over to him and bowed.

“No dye for your skin, Bond-san?” he teased, indicating my kimono with a nod.

“It’s not MY wedding, Sensei!” I chuckled. “Shall we make our way to the meal? The photographer is likely to keep my star pupil occupied for some time!”

“You cleared that saké with your doctors, right?”

“Yes, Sensei. I purposefully didn’t take my medication this morning, with my doctors’ approval, and I have five women here to keep an eye on me! And apparently my «shihan» as well!”

He laughed, “You would have made a VERY bad soldier!”

“No kidding! My Navy friends all say the same thing about being a sailor.”

We went into the hall and to the bar where Sensei Jim asked for a beer and I asked for sparkling water with a lime. Sensei Jim went to find his wife, and I saw Jessica talking with the two doctors from Rutherford and decided to let them do their doctor thing. I walked over to where Kara and Suzanne were standing.

“The girls are walking around the gardens with Kimiko’s daughters,” Kara said. “I told them to come in when they saw Miyu come inside. We decided to let the doctors have their chat.”

“Me, too,” I chuckled.

“They’re all at the same table,” Kara said. “You and I are at the head table with the bride and groom and his parents.”

“Her mom, too, right?”

“Yes. How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” I replied. “It was about an ounce of saké.”

“I was more concerned about not taking your propranolol.”

“Calm, cool, and collected,” I replied. “I think this is a good sign for the future because propranolol is metabolized fairly quickly.”

“No stopping without permission,” Kara said firmly.

“I know.”

“You know lots of things, Snuggle Bear, but that doesn’t mean you follow instructions!”

“Sensei basically said the same thing just a moment ago!”

“Because we all know you!”

“Biblically!” Suzanne teased.

Mitsuko and Neil joined us, with Koichi, who seemed to be in a good mood. Mitsuko and I hugged and Neil and I shook hands.

“She seems to be in a better mood,” I said.

“She did not like flying at all,” Neil said. “I suspect her little ears didn’t handle the pressure changes very well.”

“How long are you here?”

“Until next Saturday,” Mitsuko replied.

“I hope you’re coming to the dinner tomorrow we’re hosting for everyone from the dojo.”

“Yes, of course! We wouldn’t miss it! My father said to thank you for making the offering on his behalf.”

“It was my honor to do it. I’m glad your mother decided to come.”

“Me, too. One of my father’s friends is staying with him, though at this point he’s mostly recovered.”

“Good!”

The bride and groom came in a few minutes later, and I was happy to see the girls had followed Kara’s instructions. We got everyone seated, and then Kara and I went to the head table.

Dinner was traditional Japanese fare, though I ate only a very small amount of rice. Normally I would have passed on it, but I didn’t want to give offense to anyone. I had an approving nod from Hisataka’s father when he saw me eating with chopsticks and following proper Japanese etiquette. When we finished eating, there was a Western-style cake, and then a dance. Except for taking the place of Miyu’s father for her dance, I only danced with my wives, Suzanne, and my daughters. We elected to leave at the same time Miyu and Hisataka did, and headed back to the hotel. We got the girls into bed, and then my wives, Suzanne, and I got drinks and went to sit on the balcony.

“Enjoy your talk with the doctors, Babe?”

“Yes. We traded ‘war stories’ and talked about the differences in practicing medicine in the city versus a mostly rural county. We don’t get too many tractor accidents or injuries from farm implements!”

“And the weapon of choice there is a shotgun, not a 9mm!”

“They get almost no gunshot victims. I have to say that has some attraction. I’m really getting tired of treating gang bangers.”

“What about treating gang bangs?” I chuckled.

Jessica laughed, “I do know a nurse...”

“Are things really as bad at the hospital as the rumors imply?” Suzanne asked.

“Let’s just say that doctors and nurses have more than their share of extramarital sex.”

“So does Steve!”

“He has permission! I haven’t met a cheating doctor or nurse of either sex who does!”

“There are very few people with that kind of permission,” I replied. “Elena was the only one. Even Katt only had permission to be with me, not blanket permission.”

“Tracey and Marty?” Kara asked. “Rhonda and her boyfriend?”

“Sort of,” I replied. “Rhonda’s rule was they could be with anyone, so long as the other one was in the room, and preferably participating. Tracey and Marty were exclusive unless they were at one of their parties. She had exactly one free pass and that was so I could teach her something very specific.”

Kara and Jessica laughed.

“What was that?” Suzanne asked.

“Her third cherry,” I chuckled. “She wanted expert instruction before she and Marty tried it.”

“How is she doing?” Kara asked.

“No change,” I replied. “And that’s a good thing. She did go on a date with someone she met through her support group.”

“She’s going to beat it,” Jessica said. “After this amount of time, so long as she sticks to her drug regimen, she’ll live a basically normal life, minus the problems associated with having a sex life.”

“I didn’t inquire, and I don’t think she’ll share.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to know, Tiger! I was just making a comment.”

“What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Ashley and I are going surfing!” Suzanne declared.

“And we’re going to work on our tans and flirt with hunks on the beach!” Kara added.

“Stephie, too?”

“Handsome younger men!” Kara tittered. “But you know she’s committed to Nicholas.”

“Jess, can I say how happy I am you allowed Ashley to learn to surf?”

Jessica smiled, “Can I say how difficult that was?”

“Yes. But I’m very happy, and so is our daughter.”

“I’m learning, Tiger.”

“I know!”

“Suzanne, do you mind if we take him to bed?” Kara asked.

“Not at all, so long as I can get a ‘good night’ kiss!”

She got her kiss and then my wives hustled me into the bedroom and demonstrated just how much they loved me.

June 17, 2001, Honolulu, Oahu, Hawaii

Nalani joined us for breakfast as planned, and when we finished eating, Jessica, Kara, Suzanne, and my daughters went up to the room to get their things for the beach, while Nalani and I stayed at the table to finish our coffee. I’d felt that was a better plan than blatantly taking her up to the room with my wives, Suzanne, and my daughters.

“I had a question about the long conversation we had the other day,” Nalani said.

“Only one?” I asked with an arched eyebrow.

“No, but ... I have several questions about the long conversation we had the other day!”

I chuckled, “Ask away.”

“I’ve never had a friend who didn’t live close. How do we stay friends?”

“Do you have internet access?”

“Sure. Email and messaging through AOL. We have internet from our cable TV, but I still use AOL for email and messaging.”

“Then we’ll exchange email addresses and IM names. I keep in touch with several friends that way, including some in South America and Europe. If you have a mobile phone you can send me an SMS, but be careful of the limits on the plan.”

“Dad has a mobile phone, but I don’t. I saw both your daughters had them.”

“They’re very useful in the city.”

“How often do you come to Hawaii?”

“This is only the second time,” I replied. “Well, not counting a layover on my way to Australia. I’m not sure when I’ll be back. You’re welcome, as a friend, to visit me on the Mainland whenever you wish.”

“Believe it or not, I’ve never been. I’ve lived my entire life on the islands. I’d love to travel the way you have.”

“I was extremely fortunate to meet Birgit Andersson and to have my dad support me being an exchange student. And I was very fortunate to have the resources and friends to allow my vacation travel, and fortunate to have a company which allowed me to travel even more.”

“You seem to make friends quite easily.”

“All you need to do is be a nice person and express genuine interest in someone. To make a friend you have to be a friend. To make a good friend, you have to be a good friend. And to make an intimate friend, you have to be an intimate friend. Love, whether it’s brotherly, romantic, or transcendent, is only authentic if it’s returned.”

“Doesn’t the Bible say something about loving your neighbor as you love yourself?”

“Yes. And if you think about it, on a basic level, if you don’t like yourself why should anyone else like you? That’s part of my point about having to be a good friend to gain a good friend. You can only do that if you like who you are. Self-loathing will lead you into the abyss of loneliness, depression, and despair.”

“So what do you do if you don’t like yourself?”

“Figure out why and fix it. Usually, that means finding someone to help you fix it, and I don’t necessarily mean professional help.”

“You’ve done that before?”

I nodded, “Yes. It takes a dedicated and determined effort, and it means befriending people who don’t know how to be friends. Think about the outcast kid at school. The loner.”

“But don’t some people want to be alone?”

I nodded, “Yes, but very few want to be hermits and have no contact with other human beings. I’d argue that the defining component of humanity is a relationship with another human. In my mind, you can’t be a complete human being by yourself. And the more varied relationships you have, the more complete you’ll become. And there are varying levels of friendship from being acquaintances to being intimate friends.”

“You don’t mean physically intimate, right?”

“That can be part of it, but it doesn’t have to be. And it can be anything from shaking hands to hugs to kisses to cuddling to saunas to sex. I’m sure you have friends at various levels of intimacy, be it mentally, spiritually, or physically. Who is your best friend?”

“Kelii Mahelona. We’ve been friends since about fourth grade.”

“And she knows all your secrets?”

Nalani laughed softly, “Including this one, tomorrow!”

“And you know all of hers?”

“I think so, but how would I know?”

“It’s difficult to be truly intimate with someone and hide things. You’d very likely have a sense she was hiding something. How do you two behave?”

“Besides the usual giggle fits teenage girls have?”

“Yes.”

“We hug, kiss on the cheek, sit close together, and sometimes we’ll hold hands, though not as much as when we were in grade school.”

“And your other friends?”

“Occasionally a hug.”

“So the physical follows the mental and spiritual?” I asked.

Nalani’s eyes went wide with recognition, “I get it!”

“And what prevents it from going to its logical conclusion?”

“Besides the fact that we’re both straight?”

“Yes,” I replied. “Besides that.”

“Society says it’s wrong.”

“Including me sitting naked in my sauna with mixed sexes, but there are also quite a few people who would look askance at my sitting in there with my guy friends. As I’ve said for a long time, modesty has to be taught. Kids are naturally free and open; it’s the adults who force them into the social model, and cause all sorts of problems. And it’s getting worse, as adults are attempting to treat High School students, and sometimes even college students, as if they were pre-teens.”

“Kelii’s parents are super-conservative. Mine give me more freedom, though they’d never approve of me meeting you, even if it was just talking philosophy.”

“But would they have stopped you?” I asked.

Nalani cocked her head to the side, “You know, I don’t think so. My dad would have lectured me, but he wouldn’t have stopped me. Once I turned eighteen in March, he let me do what I wanted, though that pretty much has always lined up with what he wanted.”

“He raised you, and you adopted his values because you agree with them. If you didn’t, you’d reject them. What about your mom?”

Nalani laughed softly, “She met my dad when she was fifteen and he was nineteen. My grandfather did NOT approve, though he didn’t object to them marrying when my mom was twenty.”

“You know, I never asked, but siblings?”

“An older brother and a younger sister. My brother is twenty-one and is at USC studying aeronautical engineering. My sister is fifteen and will be a Sophomore in the Fall.”

“Were you allowed to date?”

“School dances and Chinese cultural events. Mostly we went out in a group and didn’t pair off except for dances. I never had a boyfriend, but none of the boys ever talked to me the way you have. Did you have these kinds of conversations as a teenager?”

“Yes, though I was basically clueless. Well, more clueless than I am now.”

“But for the present, you mean in the sense of skepticism, right? What you said about Socrates’ statement that the wisest man is the one who admits he knows nothing?”

“Yes.”

“I have another question.”

“There isn’t a limit like ‘one per customer’!”

“Are we intimate enough to do what I came here to do?”

“If you’re asking that question, then you know the answer to the question.”

She gave me a curious look and was quiet for a minute.

“One way to take that is that if I have to ask, then I’m not ready. Another way to take it is that if I’m wise enough to ask the question, then I’m wise enough to know that we are.”

I smiled, “And if you discerned those two nuances, then you are absolutely worthy of being my friend.”