Chapter 41: Figure it Out

April 6, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

“Hi, Trudy!” I said when she, Pete, and Melanie came into the house early Friday evening.

“Hi, Steve!”

We exchanged a quick hug, Pete and I shook hands, and Melanie gave me one of her searing French kisses, something she hadn’t been doing as often as she had in the past.

“I take it that was for my benefit?” Trudy asked, shaking her head.

“Obviously,” I chuckled. “Come join us in the great room. How did the condo hunting go?”

“I fell in love with a place in an area called Logan Square. I asked Mr. Wyatt to put in an offer for me.”

“Excellent. That’s a nice neighborhood, and it’s easy to get anywhere you like by public transportation. When will you know?”

“He said Monday or Tuesday.”

We moved into the great room and my wives greeted Trudy, and I introduced her to everyone who hadn’t met her.

“When you’re ready to move here, I have a job lined up for you.”

“What?!” Trudy gasped.

Melanie and Pete laughed.

“Come on, Mom!” Melanie said, shaking her head, “Steve has every single phone number of every important person in Chicago in his Rolodex. I bet even the Mayor would take his call!”

“Assuming I’d ever want to call the Mayor,” I chuckled. “I have a severe allergy to slime.”

“What kind of job?” Trudy asked.

“Executive Secretary to the General Counsel of Spurgeon Capital. I guarantee the pay will be more than sufficient.”

“What’s Spurgeon Capital?” Trudy asked.

“It’s an investment firm my friend Samantha runs. Stephanie used to work for her. Samantha is married to Brian Frost, an officer at RTC Great Lakes.”

“Wait! How old is this woman?”

“Twenty-five. She took over the firm when her dad was arrested. I’m sure you heard about him.”

“The child porn guy! Didn’t he escape from prison?”

Technically, they were teenagers, though the law didn’t differentiate, and this wasn’t the time to get into that debate, whatever Trudy’s views.

“And he was caught. He died about a month ago. Samantha has run the firm ever since he was arrested.”

“It’s a great company, Mom,” Melanie said. “Samantha is a wonderful young woman.”

“I don’t know what to say!”

“‘Thank you’ is customary,” I teased.

“I see you haven’t changed!” she replied. “Where are their offices?”

“On Michigan Avenue,” I replied. “You’d be able to take the L to work. They also have a private parking garage below their building. You’d be entitled to a parking spot there as well.”

“And the salary?”

“With bonus? Just under six figures.”

Pete shook his head, “Somebody needs to talk to the GSA!”

“No, they don’t!” I protested. “Our taxes are high enough as it is! You chose to be a public servant! And besides, I know your wife makes WAY more than anyone here other than Jessica!”

“Is there anything we can do for you, Trudy?” Kara asked.

“I’m adjusting to the new reality,” Trudy replied. “Steve provided the support I needed the day of the funeral. Now it’s just a matter of moving forward. I accepted an offer on the house in Milford, so it really is just a matter of completing the purchase of the townhouse here. Pete and Melanie have a guest room I can use between the time I move here and the time I close on the townhouse.”

“Samantha’s firm offers a no-fee, very-low interest mortgage to all employees,” I said. “No credit check, or anything like that.”

“You’re joking!” Trudy exclaimed.

“No joke. So long as you put down twenty percent, which I’m sure you’ll be able to after selling your house in Milford. If you can’t put down twenty percent for some reason, they have other plans.”

“And I don’t have to interview?”

“I vouched for you, and Samantha knows Melanie really well, so you’re in.”

“Wait!” Trudy protested with a smirk. “She knows Melanie really well and that HELPS?”

“Hey!” Melanie protested.

I laughed hard, “It appears your mom can still wind you up, Melanie!”

“Dinner is ready!” Winter called out.

“Who’s that?” Trudy asked.

“Winter,” Kara replied as we all got up. “Our domestic. She used to be live-in, but once she married, she moved out. She’s here from around noon until 7:00pm weekdays, and sometimes on weekends. She’s from Rutherford, Ohio.”

“What does she do?”

“Most importantly, she’s here when the kids get home from school,” I said. “That keeps the busybodies, nanny state idiots, and others at bay. Otherwise, she cleans and cooks and helps the kids with their homework.”

“The government is SO dumb!” Birgit declared. “Well, except Uncle Pete!”

“You only say that because he has his gun!” Albert teased.

“No, he’s cool,” Birgit replied. “He doesn’t think I need a babysitter to be home even though I’m twelve!”

“Mom, remember when I babysat for the Nixons when I was twelve?” Melanie asked. “Nobody said ‘boo’ about that and they had a two-year-old and a four-year-old!”

“Good luck doing that these days,” I said, shaking my head. “You know the DCFS case I’m referring to.”

“What happened?” Trudy asked.

“A minor health emergency. The twelve-year-old babysitter dialed 9-1-1 and everything worked exactly as it should have until somebody decided that the twelve-year-old who had just done exactly the right thing wasn’t capable of doing the right thing!”

“Like the stupid person who called the school to complain about me and my friends walking to school without an adult with us!” Birgit added. “It’s dumb! We all know the way to school, all know how to push the button to get the light to change, and even how to ride the bus if we need to! And most of us have mobile phones! But NO, we’re babies and can’t POSSIBLY walk ten blocks to school! Ugh!”

“I think I need to start a new list,” Pete chuckled. “She is absolutely your daughter, Steve!”

“List?” Trudy asked.

“A list of Steve’s usual complaints about the government or society. It saves time if he just tells us which number or numbers! I made it as a joke, but you know Steve.”

“He adopted it!” Trudy declared. “He was always tough to tease because he’d just laugh at himself with you.”

“Is it true you walked in on my dad and Melanie in the sauna?” Birgit asked.

We all broke up laughing before Trudy could answer.

“Who told you about that?” Trudy asked.

Birgit smirked, “Melanie!”

More laughter ensued.

“I was just telling her about how her dad started using the sauna!” Melanie protested.

Birgit smirked, “And how much you liked having sex with Dad in the sauna!”

“I never said that!” Melanie protested.

“Aha!” Birgit giggled. “You did do it in there!”

“You little brat!” Melanie exclaimed.

“Guess who ELSE can wind Melanie up!” I chuckled. “But that’s enough, Pumpkin.”

“Yes, Dad.”

“Is it always like this here?” Trudy asked.

“This is tame,” Jessica replied.

“I think I’m going to like living in Chicago!”

April 7, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Birgit

“What are we doing today, Birgit?” Tiffany asked when she arrived just after lunch on Saturday.

“Playing games. Dad said we could bring anything we wanted up to the attic room and nobody will bother us.”

“Who all will be here?”

“Amber, Kristin, Katherine, May, June, Juli, Rachel, MC, Patricia, Patty, Susie, Ellie, Jasmine, Julie, Laurie, Hannah, Leslie, Naomi, and my sisters.”

“No boys?”

“No! This is a girls’ day! Stephie can see Nicholas tomorrow. Jesse and Albert decided to go out to Aurora to hang out with Matthew and Michael.”

“What about Suzanne?”

“She’s hanging out with my moms and dad. Come help me get the games and snacks. The fridge in the attic room is already full of drinks. Everyone will be here soon!”

We made two trips downstairs and back up, and I put on a CD. Our friends and my sisters all showed up within about ten minutes and everyone decided what games to play. I decided on Uno and MC, the triplets, and Tiffany played with us.

“You three decided to stop dressing the same?” I asked.

“Yes!” May replied. “Well, except when we want to mess with our teachers!”

“You guys need to come over more often!” Tiffany said. “The last time you were here was over a year ago!”

“Dad doesn’t like how Birgit’s parents live,” June said. “Mom is cool with it, but Dad is afraid we’re all going to be corrupted.”

“He might have a point,” Tiffany smirked. “But that’s what’s so fun! Birgit’s mom and dad let us be ourselves and we don’t have to worry about what anyone thinks! Have you guys been in the sauna here?”

“No!” Juli replied. “But we want to.”

“Girls, remember you have to follow the rules about that,” MC said. “Tiffany you know what that means.”

“Ugh! Someday I want to do that! It’s no big deal!”

“My dad would lose his mind!” May declared. “Even if it was just girls!”

“Can you imagine if there were boys?” June asked. “He’d have a stroke!”

He’d also have a stroke if he knew what I knew about their mom and Jesse! I wasn’t supposed to know, but I figured it out when I found out that Jesse wasn’t a virgin when he was with Francesca the first time.

“Would you go in with boys, Tiffany?” Juli asked.

“Why not? I mean, I want to see them as much as they want to see me!”

We all giggled, but I’d seen lots of guys naked and it really wasn’t a big deal. I had to be careful who knew that because it might cause big problems for my dad and moms.

“How old are you, Tiff?” May asked.

“Thirteen. You three are nine, right?”

“In May,” June replied. “The 6th.”

MC went out first, so the rest of us totaled up our cards and she recorded the scores then dealt a new hand.

“MC, I received the wedding invitation in the mail yesterday,” Tiffany said. “Thanks!”

“You’re welcome!”

“Where are you going on your honeymoon?”

“Austria. We found a bed-and-breakfast in the Alps.”

“Wow! And you start medical school in the Fall, right?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of doctor do you want to be?” May asked.

“An oncologist,” MC replied. “A cancer doctor.”

“How long does that take?” June asked.

“About eight years from now before I’m allowed to practice on my own. I have to go to medical school then be a Resident for four years.”

“Whoa!”

“It took longer for Mom,” I said. “She also had to do surgical rotations and a Fellowship.”

“Anyone who wants to be a surgeon has to go a lot longer,” MC said. “But it’s also the most difficult specialty.”

“Why did you choose cancer?” Juli asked.

“Because a friend of mine died of cancer when we were in grade school.”

“Oh, that’s so sad!” May said.

“It was,” MC confirmed.

It was a fun afternoon, and we all had pizza together before gathering in the great room to watch The Tigger Movie and Chicken Run.

April 8, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

“The guarantees of free speech and free exercise of religion are not only for those who are deemed sufficiently enlightened, advanced, or progressive,” I said to kick off the Rap Session. “They are for everyone. That’s the gist of a US District Court ruling against the University of Michigan, overturning their attempts to limit racist and sexist speech on campus.”

“A major problem with that kind of limitation,” Patricia said, “is that it is necessarily ‘content-based’ and no public university, as an arm of the government, can restrict speech based on content without violating the First Amendment, except in very narrowly defined areas, such as promoting imminent violence or creating an immediate public danger. Think yelling ‘Fire!’ in a movie theater, as the classic example, or incitement to riot as another. Though I know Steve believes both of those should be handled as torts.”

“I do,” I replied. “But the point that I would prefer to discuss, rather than my radical views on the US and State criminal codes, is why Free Speech and Free Exercise of Religion are absolutely necessary to a free country.”

“How does that implicate religion?” Nicole asked.

“The point of the limits UMich set was, among other purposes, to restrict negative views on homosexuality. Think about the traditional view of Christians and Muslims on the topic. Whatever we think about homosexuality, they have to be free to express their views, even if those views are hurtful. That’s the point I was making about being sufficiently enlightened, and so on.

“You all know my position on the matter, and I don’t want anyone to hurt Jennifer and Josie, or my friends Katy and Amy, Deborah and Krissy, or Larry and Drew, who some of you know, in any way. That said, without freedom of expression, and the right to push unpopular ideas, what all of them are doing would be illegal in every state, rather than just the ones run by troglodytes. Texas is a perfect example, where just last month an en banc Texas Appeals Court overturned a ruling saying that Texas’ sodomy law was unconstitutional.”

“They inexplicably denied that there are due process or equal protection rights,” Patricia said. “Well, no, actually not, I guess. It’s the same problem we run into over and over - you only have full freedom if you conform to certain specific social mores.”

“But what we’re not saying,” Liz continued, “is that people can’t express their opinions. What we ARE saying is they can’t enforce their views of morality on consenting adults who are not harming each other. And that means KKK marches in black neighborhoods and Nazi marches in Jewish neighborhoods are protected.”

“The cure for bad speech is more speech, not suppression,” Elizabeth declared. “Even if the speaker is a fucking moron and a throwback to the Middle Ages!”

“My old self resembles that remark!” Becka said, shaking her head. “But I was cured!”

“How?” Achara asked.

About half the attendees in the room laughed hard, knowing Becka’s story.

“I was a Bible thumper and the cure was losing my virginity to a guy and a girl at the same time!”

“Whoa!” several of those not in-the-know gasped.

“I thought you had a boyfriend,” Viv said. “You’re bi?”

“I do have a boyfriend, and I prefer guys, but I like girls, too.”

“Your boyfriend doesn’t come to Rap Sessions?”

“We invited him but he thinks this is my space and he doesn’t want to cramp my style.”

“Which is her way of saying he plays golf on Sundays!” Ben chuckled.

“He does, but that’s because he chose not to come here!”

“You were really hyper-religious?” Achara asked.

“Steve kicked me out of the house because I was so obnoxious about it.”

“Wait a sec!” Elena protested. “What about free speech?”

“Only the government and public spaces are covered,” I replied. “I get to decide what’s appropriate and not appropriate in my house, and, to an extent, in my company. I’m more than open to debate and discussion, but not moralizing. But, that’s on my property. The government cannot ban any particular opinion, no matter how odious or offensive, nor interfere with anyone’s free exercise of religion.”

“But couldn’t you call anything a ‘religious practice’?” Benji asked.

“Sure,” Patricia replied. “But you can’t use the First Amendment to call murder a sacrament. Unlike other First Amendment rights, religious practices can be limited by generally applicable laws which are religiously neutral, though Steve will happily tell you his problems with that understanding of ‘Free Exercise’.”

“Prohibition?” he asked.

“The Volstead Act specifically excepted alcohol used for sacramental or medicinal purposes. It won’t surprise you that the number of prescriptions for whisky went through the roof and that the consumption of sacramental wine increased significantly!”

Everyone laughed.

“What about pornography?” Luisa asked.

Patricia continued, “It’s perfectly legal for adults to create, sell, and purchase pornographic materials. The same is true of offensive works like Carlin’s ‘dirty words’ or artwork which is patently offensive. Obscenity does not have any First Amendment protections.”

“I call bullshit,” I said firmly. “The Constitution says ‘no law’ and the difference between ‘obscene’ and ‘pornographic’ is subjective, as is the definition of pornography. Given the protections afforded by the Constitution, the Supreme Court got it wrong as they have in some pretty big cases.”

“An opinion shared by many,” Liz said. “But unless and until Congress proposes an Amendment, the States call a convention, or the Supreme Court changes its mind, this is where we are.”

“The problem is,” Henry said, “that most of your fellow Americans agree with the Supreme Court and want further restrictions on pornographic materials. This isn’t like the civil rights movement or the gay rights movement where opinions are slowly shifting in a direction we’d prefer. That makes it more likely things will get worse, not better.”

“Don’t you think pornography demeans women?” Achara asked.

“Assuming it does, the First Amendment protects it just as it does the Nazis and the KKK,” Suzanne offered. “It has to, or suddenly whole areas of expression are off-limits, and history shows that governments tend to impose stricter and stricter codes over time. The same goes for the Freedom of the Press - if we start limiting what newspapers or TV or radio or the free-lancer on the internet can say, eventually only government propaganda will be allowed.”

“Isn’t that the ‘slippery slope’ argument?” Archie asked.

“No, just a comment on what would happen if we allow things to progress,” Suzanne replied. “My main argument for the First Amendment is, in effect, that it tells the government to keep its hands off our brains, our souls, and our ability to express ourselves, which I believe is a fundamental human right.”

“The entire Bill of Rights is about being left alone,” I continued. “Unfortunately, it, like the rest of the Constitution, has been warped to work opposite from how the Founders intended.”

“Think of it this way,” Jackson said. “The intention of a patent is to further scientific and technological development by requiring publication in exchange for a limited-term monopoly. The same goes for copyright. In both cases, though, the concepts have been corrupted to limit expression and limit development. Instead of being limited, copyrights are going to be extended forever because of Mickey Mouse. Instead of furthering science and technology, patents are used to block progress.”

“It’s not technically ‘forever’,” Liz said. “But the 1998 changes to Copyright Law were called, by some observers, the ‘Mickey Mouse Protection Act’ because it prevented the copyrights held by Disney from expiring. They now have 120 years of protection. And the courts have, in effect, said that so long as Congress doesn’t formally make it ‘forever’ they can continue to extend it as they please, because even 120 years is a ‘limited time’.”