Chapter 28: Father and Son

February 27, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Jesse

“Hi, Jesse!” Joy exclaimed when she answered the phone.

“Hi! How are you?”

“I never realized how much I would like sleeping in the same bed as someone!”

“Sleeping?” I teased.

“We slept for two hours!” she giggled. “And the shower was very nice, too!”

“What did you tell your parents?”

“That I really enjoyed the hockey game and that you’re a very nice boy and I’m glad you’re coming to see my play. I think they could live the rest of their lives without ever finding out that you gave me a ‘foot massage’!”

I laughed really hard, “You like Pulp Fiction?”

“Duh!” Joy exclaimed. “Mom and Dad don’t know I’ve watched it like a dozen times! Samuel L. Jackson is totally awesome!”

“But he said a ‘foot massage’ was a totally different ballpark from ‘putting your tongue in the holiest of holies’!”

“He knew Vincent was right, he just didn’t want to admit it! And I VERY much like you kissing me there!”

“I liked doing it!” I agreed.

“So what are you doing today?” Joy asked.

“Having my Spanish tutoring, then homework, then dinner, then hockey practice.”

“I’m bummed about this weekend. I wish I could come to Chicago and see you play!”

“Hockey? Or with you?” I teased.

“Both! I really liked it after the sauna when you showed me the mirrors in my room!”

“Ask your parents!”

“Oh, right,” Joy giggled. “‘Mom, Dad? Would you put mirrors on my ceiling so I can watch when Jesse puts his tongue in my pussy and then watch when he fucks me?’!”

“My parents would say ‘OK’!” I chuckled.

“Your parents are not normal!” Joy exclaimed.

“SO true! What are you doing?”

“Homework, then going over to Shelly’s so I can give her all the juicy details! I take it you talked to Libby?”

“Yes. She’s looking forward to you coming back to Chicago almost as much as I am!”

“I’ll test the waters with my parents when you’re here and they’ve met you. Don and Mary have only said good things, so that helps.”

“Cool. I’ll call you on Saturday and let you know how the game went.”

“Awesome! Do really well, Jesse! I hope you win!”

“Me, too! Talk to you on Saturday!”

“Bye!”

“Bye!”

I put the handset back on the phone on the kitchen wall, then sat down with Rachel and Libby at the kitchen table.

“Sorry,” I said. “But I wanted to call before her parents got home.”

Rachel smirked, “So, you and Joy?”

“She’s my steady girlfriend,” I replied.

“She’s that good?” Rachel asked. “Long-distance?”

“You’re not sleeping with anyone until you can do it with my dad again, so who’s talking?”

“It’s not quite like that,” Rachel protested.

“Sure it is,” Libby said. “First, you don’t think any boys you know will measure up. Second, you know if you start seriously dating, you can’t have Steve again. And you want him, badly! Not like you’re in love with him, but he’s the one you want to fuck. It’s kind of like me and Jesse. You know I like girls, too, and for now, I’m going to stick to that because it satisfies me, and I don’t know that anyone I could think could fuck me as well as Jesse! Well, his dad, but that can’t happen because of me and Jesse.”

“Can we please do my Spanish homework?” I asked. “I don’t have much spare time!”

“And you don’t want to hear about your dad!” Libby teased.

“But if you and Jesse aren’t having sex, why not?” Rachel asked.

“Because first of all, Steve won’t. And second, if I do, then Jesse won’t. Think how weird that would be for them, even if I was OK with it. Would you want to sleep with the same guy who ... oh, uhm, sorry! Never mind!”

“It is a bit weird, if I think about it,” Rachel said. “But given everything, I don’t care. There’s no way he’d even think about being with my mom again because of what Jesse said.”

I chuckled, “A high-speed train to crazy town! Spanish, please?”

🎤 Steve

“All of that is true?” Annita asked in disbelief. “You aren’t just messing with me for some reason?”

“Remember what I said when I started - that I was offering the truth, and nothing more. It’s all true - seven kids by four women, two wives, a steady girlfriend who lives with us, and other girls as I judge acceptable. Complete sexual freedom. A general rejection of the social system as being stifling. A belief that there is no value in expending emotional energy to hate someone. Mentoring doctors and lawyers. Nudity not implying sex. Sex not being true intimacy. Complete pacifism whilst being a martial arts instructor who studied in Japan. And a belief that morals and ethics are defined by doing the least amount of harm possible.”

“But that’s backwards!”

“Only from your perception of reality. In effect, I engage, at least partly, in what’s called ‘apophatic’ thinking. It’s the philosophy of negation. I can’t define what ‘good’ is, but I can know if something is harmful. Also, I can say what’s NOT true, but I can’t say with any level of certainty, what is true, beyond such ‘provable’ things as math and actual science, which, by the way, is about negation, too.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s about eliminating possible solutions to reach a conclusion as to what is most likely correct, and conducting experiments to try to prove your hypothesis is wrong.”

“Don’t you mean prove it’s right?”

I shook my head, “You can’t do that. All you can do is conduct experiments and see if they hold up. But there’s always a possibility that one of them, at some point in the future, will prove your hypothesis wrong. You can never do enough experiments to prove that it’s right. Think of it this way - it’s far more difficult to prove that there is no god than to prove that there is. All you can do, as an atheist, is shoot down the theories of the theists. In fact, the safest possible position, philosophically, is agnosticism, which posits that you do not know and likely cannot know.

“Now, it IS a legitimate defense of the atheist position to insist that the theist prove his point, as he’s the one making the claim. What is NOT legitimate is to simply insist that no such being exists simply because you haven’t encountered the being or don’t believe such a being is necessary or even possible. What you can’t do with logic or science is prove a negative. Science has always worked on a preponderance of evidence, with the caveat that new evidence may be found at any time which blows apart the existing theory.

“A good example are things which we call laws - the Law of Gravity or the Laws of Thermodynamics. But even those, which have been tested almost ad infinitum, break down when we’re discussing quantum mechanics. I’m no expert in the field, but the people whom I know who are, will tell you that things get very, very weird at the quantum level, and often make no sense if you try to apply ‘laws’ from the ‘real’ world. But that brings you right back to my point - what is ‘real’ is based on perceptions. Maybe quantum mechanics is The Matrix, if I can stretch an analogy to the breaking point.”

“I guess I don’t see how this changes anything.”

“Really? Fifteen minutes ago, marriage meant one man and one woman. Now you realize that might not be correct, and that my eldest son’s moms are married to each other, and I’m married to two women, or rather, the three of us are married to each other with all that implies. Fifteen minutes ago, a family was, in your mind, two parents and children, and the only way there were multiple parents beyond the husband and wife was through divorce. Fifteen minutes ago, fidelity meant no sex outside of marriage, but now it means keeping your commitments, which can involve girlfriends or mistresses, or whatever you want to call them.

“Fifteen minutes ago, teenagers were toddlers, but now they’re adults. Fifteen minutes ago, you felt you had to follow the rules created by society and your church, but now you’re not so sure. Fifteen minutes ago, the world was very ordered, now it’s chaotic. And, most importantly, fifteen minutes ago you would never have truly considered sleeping with a married man, but now you’re thinking it might be the right thing to do.”

“What?!” she gasped.

“I didn’t say it was going to happen, or that it should happen, just that your perception changed such that it’s a real possibility, as opposed to something you could never see yourself doing. But that’s a minor point, and I actually only said it to shock you.”

“But I can just leave here, never see you again, and go about my life as if this entire conversation never happened.”

I shook my head, “No, actually, you can’t. That’s what I warned you about. Whatever happens from here on out, I’ve planted ideas in your head that you WILL have to confront, either right away or in the future, and you will have to accept, reject, or adapt them. What you will not be able to do is ignore them. And that’s true whether or not we ever see each other again.”

“But if I reject them, I could just go on as before!”

“Could you? Really? Or will your perception of reality have been altered by simply hearing them? Think back to me showing you my ring.”

“My mind is tied up in knots!” Annita said, sounding exasperated. “You did that on purpose!”

“YOU asked for the red pill,” I replied. “Despite my warning you against it.”

“But you WANTED me to take it!”

“An interesting perception,” I replied. “Now, why would I tell you not to if I wanted to?”

“It almost seems like, well, playing hard to get! Pretending you aren’t interested when you are.”

“A reasonable, but not entirely applicable, analogy. But the basic idea is the same - discouraging the person in order to encourage them. It seems counterintuitive, but it works. There was another reason, though. Any ideas what it might be?”

“You’ve done this before and you were concerned you might somehow wreck my life.”

I nodded, “I actually have wrecked it, you just haven’t realized it yet. But that’s a GOOD thing. But it’s not that I destroyed it, so much as reset it. You’ll leave here and go home to study, you’ll go to class tomorrow, and I suspect you’ll become a nurse. But you are not the same person you were when you got out of bed this morning to come to court. What happened in the jury room changed you and changed your view of the future. What happened when you approached me did the same thing. Then you allowed me to explode your perception similar to what happened when Neo became aware of an alternate perception of reality in The Matrix.”

“So now what?”

“The future is a blank page,” I replied. “You get to write on it. And now you have options you didn’t before you met me. The possibilities are endless if you keep an open mind. As you think about everything that happened from lunchtime yesterday to right now, you’ll see different possible futures and you’ll make decisions that will affect that future. The most important thing you’ve learned in the last twenty-four hours is that you need to open your mind to new ideas, new concepts, and new realities. Your first major decision about your future will happen when I pay the check and we leave the restaurant.”

Annita shook her head, “You’re crazy!”

“That’s been said many, many times, and I would never deny it. But what I just said is true. Let me pay the check.”

I put my usual generous tip on the table and went to the register to pay for our lunches. Once that was done, I went back to the booth to get my jacket and hat, and Annita and I left the diner. We walked to the parking lot and stopped by her car, a ten-year-old Toyota.

“You expect me to invite you to my apartment, don’t you?” she asked.

“I expect nothing,” I replied. “Being open to a possibility does not mean one expects it, or that one would act in any particular way.”

“Do you give straight answers to anything?”

“Have I said anything which is untrue? At least in your perception?”

“No, but you seem to never say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”

“I do, for direct and specific questions. Hypothetical or speculative questions get hypothetical or speculative answers, or philosophical enquiry. You might have heard of something called ‘mindfulness’ - being hyperaware of your thoughts and actions, and only acting after you’ve considered your options carefully.”

“Do you do that for everything?”

“In a way, but not exactly.”

“What do you mean?”

“Go back to reading people or ‘gut reactions’ - I act on those because I’m usually correct. But, I’m careful to seek alternate opinions if the decision is momentous or has huge effects. There’s a difference between playing poker, for example, and signing a contract. My gut will tell me what to do in both instances, but with the contract, I send it to my lawyer before I act on it, and often seek alternate opinions. I’ve hired people who have diametrically opposed ideas to mine to keep me honest.”

“You hire people you disagree with?”

“And who are smarter than me. And better at whatever task they’re going to do for me. That’s the most logical path to avoiding mistakes and being successful. Remember I played the Devil’s Advocate in the jury room?”

“But you weren’t, actually!”

“Only because you know NOW that I was the sole ‘not guilty’ vote. What was your perception in the jury room?”

“That you felt he was guilty and were trying to make Bill and Frank see a different possible point of view to ensure everyone was acting, well, justly, I guess. But you weren’t REALLY playing the Devil’s Advocate, you were putting forth YOUR position!”

“And, what if I had done it that way - as my position?”

“Mr. Franklin might have gone to prison for a long time for no good reason.”

“It’s like bluffing in poker - make your opponent perceive a different reality so you can win the hand.”

“Or like pretending you don’t want to go to bed with me?” Annita asked with a smirk.

“Remember what I said about desire and action. ‘Want to’ is not the same as ‘should’. You’re a pretty girl, intelligent if a bit naïve, and I’m attracted to you. But your reaction to my ring spoke volumes.”

“What do you mean by ‘naïve’?”

“Sorry, call it less experience with the real world. You’re twenty, right?”

“Nineteen. I’ll be twenty next month.”

“And I’m almost thirty-eight, so I have almost twice as much life experience as you do. Think about it this way - I’ve been out of High School almost as long as you’ve been alive.”

Annita laughed softly, “I hadn’t even considered it that way.”

“Well, part of it was your perception that I was in my late twenties. You aren’t the first one to misjudge my age. When I was younger people thought I was older, now people think I’m younger at first sight. All I wanted to do was point out the substantial age gap between us and how that might affect your perceptions.”

“So what is true?”

“The question Pontius Pilate asked before he was, in effect, forced to condemn Jesus to death by the crowd, if you accept the story in John’s Gospel as, wait for it, ‘true’.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked, perplexed.

“That’s actually a very long discussion, but the short version is, according to John’s observations and perceptions, as reported in the Bible, Pilate’s perception of the situation guided his hand, and despite having no evidence, convicted Jesus and sentenced him to death. The exact reverse of what we did today. What does THAT tell you about ‘truth’?”

“That it’s all perception!” she exclaimed.

“And thus, your world is no longer the same as it was when you got out of bed this morning. I warned you that was what would happen. Your task now is to discover who you are and to find your place in the world.”

“Do you know who YOU are and what YOUR place in the world is?”

I smiled, “That’s exactly the right question to ask. The answer is ‘no’ because who I am today is not who I will be tomorrow. My place in the world today is not the same as it will be tomorrow. Embrace change and embrace chaos! It’s one of the reasons I have an affinity for Loki, the Norse god of change. I have a similar affinity, though not as strong, for Shiva, the Hindu god who brings change.”

“I don’t even know how to begin!”

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step! Do you think I always know with any real certainty which step to take next?”

“Given how you think, I’m pretty sure the answer to that question has to be ‘no’. Which is why you said I should embrace chaos and change, right? Otherwise, I’ll be paralyzed by fear of the unknown.”

“If you’ve figured THAT out, you’re much further along the path than you realize. But please don’t confuse chaos with making random choices. Make SENSE of the chaos, to the best of your ability, then make a choice, understanding that your perceptions are not fixed and they may be wrong.”

“Admit I know nothing?”

“Or at least that you know less than you think you do. I’m pretty sure I proved that over the past hour.”

“You have.”

“So now, going back to The Matrix, you have to let it all go - fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind. Do you remember what was said in the movie about what makes us human?”

“No.”

“It similar to what I said before. Mouse says that to deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human.”

“‘Want to’ versus ‘should’, and they’re saying we ought to pay less attention to the limitations society places on us and we place on ourselves. I didn’t realize how deep the philosophy was in that movie until today.”