Chapter 13: I Absolutely Would!

January 28, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

As had become the norm on Sunday mornings when there was a Rap Session, Leigh joined Suzanne and me for breakfast. Again, as usual, the three of us went to the sauna after breakfast, though we were joined by Kara and Birgit. My other daughters had gone to a sleepover with the Jaeger girls and Kathy would be bringing them back in time for dinner. Birgit had plans with Jesse, Libby, Tiffany, Rachel, and some other friends, so she hadn’t gone along, and Albert and Nicholas were spending the day with Dave’s boys.

We spent the usual time in the sauna, then Leigh and I went to a guest room for our usual love-making session, before we joined the others upstairs. Suzanne and Leigh left just after 11:00am to meet Alicija Czerwinski for lunch so they could talk with her in more detail about the Rap Session before she attended her first one. We had felt that was important given our topic for the day was a discussion of Jared Diamond’s book Why Is Sex Fun?. There was no doubt in my mind there would be a LOT of laughter given some of Diamond’s conclusions.

It was, along with Smart Teens; Smart Choices, an excellent discussion of sexuality and sexual relationships that I felt should be required reading. I’d given it to Jesse and he’d enjoyed it, and had a lot of laughs discussing it with his moms. It was a book that would have made Francesca’s mom’s head explode, even worse than when she’d discovered that Francesca had read Bethany’s book. Of course THOSE explosions paled in comparison to what had happened when she’d discovered that Jesse and Francesca were sexually active with each other.

“My mom is going to have words with you!” Nicole smirked when she and Natalie arrived. “She found the book on my desk!”

“Where you left it on purpose to shock her, of course!” I replied.

“I would never do anything like that!” Nicole declared piously.

“Ask her what she said when Mom asked her about actually having sex!” Natalie prompted.

“I know Nicole well enough she didn’t admit it,” I said.

“Duh!” Nicole exclaimed. “I told her that if and when I had sex it would be important to know everything I needed to make a good decision as to who my partner would be, what I wanted to do with them, and ensure I didn’t get pregnant or catch an STI. I asked if she thought that was good or bad.”

“And?”

“She was speechless! She just nodded, turned, and walked out of my room.”

“Then how does she know where the book came from?”

“When she first saw it, she asked, and I said it was reading material for the Rap Session and that Natalie had ordered it for me from Amazon. The first chapter was hilarious, too!”

“Let’s wait until the rest of the gang is here,” I said.

Fifteen minutes later, everyone who hadn’t called to say they wouldn’t attend was sitting in the great room with a roaring fire burning in the fireplace. I introduced Alicija and everyone greeted her, then I began the session.

“Has everyone read the book?” I asked.

There were nods and murmurs of assent.

“Any first thoughts?”

“I loved the description of human sex from a dog’s perspective!” Nicole said. “Too funny!”

“And the ‘Steve Adams’ exception was written right into the book!” Claire exclaimed mirthfully. “Diamond actually mentioned harems, and later discussed them in terms that actually fit your situation.”

“And the part about penis size was deliciously funny!” Cindi added.

“So, besides the comedic factor?” I asked.

“I think it’s a very interesting analysis,” Jackson said. “And it was even more interesting to apply it to the current situation. Steve’s relationships are acknowledged, though as a deviation from the statistical norm rather than as an aberration. Steve is, contra most people, routinely promiscuous. The other thing, and the one I think had the most effect on me, was that recreational sex developed as a way for females to ensure males stayed around to protect the woman and her child.”

“Don’t you find the idea that men have to stay home to guard their woman against insemination by other men misogynistic?” Holly asked.

“But is it?” Jackson asked. “If it’s biologically valid, and that is the way we developed as a species, it’s just science. It’s no different from any other biological development. What we actually do with it is what matters. There’s a difference between observing something and acting in a discriminatory way because of that observation. So, even if recreational sex evolved as a defense mechanism, we don’t necessarily use it that way.”

“And yet, we have quite a few laws which attempt to enforce that,” Liz said. “Illinois still has laws on the books which make fornication and adultery criminal acts. Adultery is absolute grounds for divorce as well.”

“Those laws tend to be misogynistic,” Patricia said. “In most instances, they were only enforced against women.”

“Which I guess was the point I was trying to make,” Holly said. “Stereotypes built on evolutionary science don’t make sense in the modern, industrial world.”

“But aren’t there true differences?” Nicole asked. “I’m nowhere near as big or as strong as Ben, Henry, or Steve.”

“A 12 gauge Mossberg is a good equalizer!” Kara declared.

“Not to mention a black belt!” Becka added.

“Sure,” Nicole replied. “I’m not saying I’m helpless, I just don’t see that it’s misogynistic to acknowledge that I like being protected, so long as I’m not being treated as inferior simply because I’m not as strong as someone with an XY chromosome pair because I have an XX chromosome pair. Having big defensemen around is a good way to ensure nobody messes with me on the ice!”

“Good point!” Liz said. “And I happen to LIKE being a woman! And I don’t think it’s misogynistic for a guy to open the door or take my coat or pull out my chair. It’s basic respect. No misogyny necessary.”

“And yet,” Elizabeth, who was nursing Shoshana, said, “it can be a sign of misogyny. But I have to ask, why does being ‘polite’ require the man to hold the door?”

Liz smiled, “It doesn’t. Steve does all of those things and nobody thinks HE is misogynistic! As for me, I simply enjoy those social behaviors, just as I do the other things I can enjoy as a woman.”

“Multiple orgasms!” Mattie exclaimed. “THAT is the best part of being a woman!”

Everyone laughed.

“Speaking of that,” Becka smirked, “where are all your guys’ mating signals? Tucked away in your pants!”

More laughter.

“I don’t know the protocol,” Alicija said.

“Just say your piece,” I replied. “The key is not to attack anyone.”

“I challenge Diamond’s conclusion based on studies of penis sizes,” Alicija said.

“And I challenge your challenge on the basis that nearly every study that has been done is self-reported!” I replied with a huge grin.

More laughter.

“Diamond proposes five inches as average size,” Becka smirked, “and I’d say anecdotally he’s right! But most guys think six, or even more, is average, which leads to all sorts of male ego problems!”

Even more laughter.

“Actually, I shouldn’t have derailed your comment, Alicija,” I said. “Go on.”

“Assuming the studies are at least relatively accurate, that is, not the reported size but the relative sizes, if the size of a penis was an important factor, why do the societies who wear clothing tend to have relatively larger penises than those who wear very little clothing?”

“Don’t even the least-clothed groups cover their genitals?” Suzanne challenged. “I know this will sound silly, but the National Geographic magazines always showed genitals covered, even if it was for protection or safety rather than modesty. And Diamond points out that mating happens in private, too, which is not the case for other mammals. I was kind of disappointed he didn’t evaluate that.”

“Isn’t that a social norm?” Henry asked. “Diamond was more concerned about evolutionary advantages than social norms. There are plenty of instances of public sex in the past, or at least with some observers, if not the general public. A common family bedroom was the norm for most people, and exposure to mating animals was very common as well. Social norms about sex have become more restrictive and more prudish over the years, which has been a repeated topic at these Rap Sessions from the time Gabby, Patricia, and I started coming. Personally, I’d blame Christianity, but the same trend is found in nearly every society.”

“Can we do a survey?” Mattie asked with a silly grin.

“It’ll be self-reported bullshit!” Ben chuckled.

“Says the one guy in the room who can actually back it up!” Elizabeth exclaimed.

Laughter again.

“We could do a group experiment!” Mattie proposed, causing more laughter. “Though my money is on Ben!”

“Mine, too,” I chuckled.

“I feel like I walked in halfway through the movie,” Alicija observed.

“My husband, ‘Big Ben’, lives up to his moniker!” Elizabeth smirked.

“Not just that! It seems like there are all kinds of inside jokes and lots of group knowledge.”

“That’s true,” I agreed. “You’ll catch up.”

“I want to go back to what Jackson said about recreational sex,” Sophie said. “Are you saying that sexual pleasure is an evolutionary advantage? And if so, what’s the advantage of sex which is never intended to procreate?”

“I think,” Jackson said, “that it was an evolutionary advantage, in that mutual pleasure created a bond that advantaged childcare. And once sex became pleasurable, we found other uses for it, so to speak. But then there were social and religious reasons to suppress female sexuality, along with the severe social disadvantage of single-motherhood. The Pill put an end to that, for anyone who has the necessary information and access.”

“Which was blocked by men,” Patricia said. “Remember, birth control was unavailable even to married women in many states before the Supreme Court stepped in with the line of cases which start with Griswold v. Connecticut.”

“A terrible line of cases,” I interrupted. “Instead of declaring bodily autonomy, which would have made us free, the Court had to invent a completely unsustainable theory that allowed the government to heavily regulate the people while saying that the people had rights to certain kinds of medical care.”

“You object to Roe v. Wade?” Alicija asked.

“Yes,” I replied, “because it’s bad law in the same way that Dred Scott and Plessey v. Ferguson and Wickard v. Filburn and Reynolds v. Sims are bad law. A right to abortion based on a general principle of bodily autonomy and a general right to be free of government interference would have been just fine, and that ruling would have been constitutional because the Constitution is meant to severely limit federal power. The thing is, the Court couldn’t go there without invalidating much of the regulatory state and severely limiting government’s control over our lives. So instead, they invented a bullshit doctrine which can’t be used as precedent for anything except contraception or abortion cases.”

“Steve will go on and on if we let him!” Patricia said. “Going back to what I think Jackson was saying, social structures and religious belief have been used to override natural human behavior.”

“Including a brutal suppression of unapproved sexuality,” Gabby said. “The treatment of gays and lesbians was unconscionable, and still is in many places. Sodomy laws are on the books in many states, and some of those same states have very restrictive laws about permitted sexuality even within marriage.”

“Those aren’t really enforced, are they?” Claire asked.

“Go down South and you’ll find they are, or at least are used to threaten people into ‘socially acceptable’ behavior.”

“Then there’s the whole issue of the current moral panic about teen sexuality,” Mattie said. “Steve makes a good point about teens being infantilized, and it’s getting worse, not just with regard to sex, but with the stricter rules for getting a driving license, with the drinking age being twenty-one, with stricter rules about working, and the insanity that a thirteen-year-old girl can no longer babysit!”

“But don’t you think the risks are such that those restrictions make sense?” Alicija asked.

“Hell no!” Mattie declared. “What happens is, somebody finds an egregious case and declares that we have to pass a law to prevent it from happening ever again, and thus take away more and more rights in a never-ending quest to eliminate all risk in our lives! The whole ‘stranger danger’ movement ignores the fact that most child abductions stem from custody disputes. Sex offender registration ignores the fact that most abuse is by a relative or family friend.”

“But those protect kids!” Alicija insisted.

“At the expense of freedom for adults, and worse, at the expense of making children fear going outside and learning to be independent,” Mattie said.

“Alicija,” Suzanne said, “freedom implies risk. The more you try to mitigate risk the more freedoms you take away.”

“But kids need to be protected!” Alicija protested.

“We’re getting off topic,” I said. “We can take this up at the next session. I want to get back to sex.”

“Of course you do!” Cindi exclaimed.

“Discussion!” I replied.

“Uh-huh!”

We spent the next ninety minutes discussing the book, with lots of good insights, and even more laughter. We had our refreshments, and then people began leaving. Alicija came over to me and asked to speak privately. We went to my study and I shut the door.

“What can I do for you?”

“I’m very concerned about the young girl, Nicole, participating in a discussion like the one today.”

“Her parents are friends, and her mom knows that she read this book, along with Smart Teens; Smart Choices. Her sister, Natalie started coming when she was fifteen.”

“It’s just completely inappropriate to have young kids discuss sex with adults in that way.”

“Nicole is not a ‘young kid’; she’s a young woman. You’re giving way too much credence to social conditioning and not enough to the evidence before you. May I suggest a course of action?”

“What?”

“Talk with Nicole and THEN decide if it’s inappropriate or not. I think you’ll find that as eye-opening as your conversation with Birgit was few weeks ago. You’ll have three more of my kids over the next few years, along with their closest friends, and you’ll discover they are very much like Birgit and Nicole. Remember what I said about walking through the ‘Looking Glass’?”

“Yes.”

“This is part of it - you have to change your entire worldview. Society is wrong in many, many ways. Everyone here agrees. We don’t always agree on the solutions, but we do know it’s wrong. We want to change the world, and we’re starting with our own little part of it.”

“And the comment about routine promiscuity? That’s true?”

“If you’re asking if I limit my physical relationship to my wives, the answer is ‘no’. And yes, everyone here is aware of that.”

“This just gets weirder by the second.”

“Welcome to what one of the best friends I ever had called Cirque du Steve.”

“That would be ‘de Steve‘ in proper French.”

“I know, but he’s dead and there is no way in hell I’m going to change his formulation. And for me, ‘proper French’ means a good kiss!”

Alicija laughed, “Cute. Does anyone else have a relationship like yours?”

“Henry, Patricia, Gabby, and Jorge Louis are a family, but they’re very private about the actual contours of their relationship. And guess what? Nobody cares. They’re our friends and that’s all that matters.”

“You’re not worried about your kids engaging in risky behavior that you’re modeling for them?”

“No, I’m not. First of all, with STI testing and birth control, sex isn’t risky. Second of all, of my seven kids, three have already selected their mates for life.”

“Oh, come on!” she protested. “Your eldest is what, fifteen?”

“In a couple of days, yes. And he believes in serial monogamy and explicitly rejected my lifestyle. The three I mentioned all basically chose their mates by age five. Nobody pushed them into it, nor did anyone discourage them. And yes, I do think they’ll marry those partners, and be monogamous for life.”

“You don’t think it’s strange that a child in grade school would already be engaged, for want of a better term?”

“No. And if you talk to my kids, I don’t think you’ll find it strange, unless you look at it from a badly warped social perspective.”

“So, all of society is wrong, and you’re right?”

“No. Society is wrong. I might be right or wrong. When I discover things which I believe to be wrong, I change them. When things I try don’t work, I reevaluate and decide on a new course of action. Society does not. In fact, it usually doubles-down and reinforces the mistake because the collective cannot admit error. The key to OUR group is we all know we might be wrong and together we work out possible solutions.”

“So social norms are just thrown out?”

“No, they are examined and tossed out if they are found wanting. Most are found wanting.”

“Like the woman who was openly breastfeeding?”

“Yes - Elizabeth and her daughter Shoshana. Diamond’s thesis aside, the primary function of breasts is lactation, and he’d agree with that, by the way. They developed a secondary meaning because of evolutionary advantage. And it’s a damning statement on society that society demands that the most natural thing in the world - feeding a baby - has to be hidden from public view.”

“How much of this do I have to buy into?”

“The only requirement is that you keep an open mind. We want you to speak your mind, too.”

“You all seem pretty confident that you know better than society.”

“Because we’ve challenged each other and examined everything from just about every angle imaginable. Some of us have been doing it for close to twenty years. The core group has been doing this for close to ten.”

“How many of those women are you sleeping with?”

“To find out the answer to that question, you’ll have to keep coming back and follow the clues!”

“When’s the next session?”

“February 11th. I know you’re friends with Suzanne, so before the next Rap Session get together with the Girl Gang and see what I’m talking about.”

“Girl Gang?”

“Birgit and her posse, which includes Suzanne, as well as Maria Cristina. I think you might be surprised.’

Alicija nodded and we left my study. As I walked her to the door, I saw Jackson speaking with Suzanne and Leigh, and Holly and Sophie speaking with Kara. I said ‘goodbye’ to Alicija and then went to the kitchen to start dinner. About ten minutes later, Leigh came in to say ‘goodbye’ and then Suzanne and Kara joined me to begin working on dinner.