by Droidette

Copyright© 2017 by Droidette

Humor Sex Story: The main character, JP, experiences a series of humorous WTF events to liven up his boring life.

Caution: This Humor Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa   Consensual   Drunk/Drugged   Heterosexual   Fiction   Polygamy/Polyamory   Anal Sex   Oral Sex   Water Sports   Public Sex   .

John Offen Peter Finch. What a crazy name to give to a child. He hated the name and hated it even more as he got older. The other kids discovered that “Jack” was the nickname for John. Then the teasing never stopped. How would you like it if kids called you “Jack Off Peter” and you couldn’t argue back? It was his name. His last name wasn’t any fun, either. That is why he used his initials JP whenever he introduced himself. He could honestly say it was his name and preferred his friends to call him that.

JP led a dull and boring life. Nothing exciting ever happened to him. At 26, he managed to scrap past college and worked a 9 - 5 in a cubicle at a non-descript building. Sometimes he felt his life was like Neo in the Matrix before Neo swallowed the pill. Fortunately the dress code was casual and JP could wear comfortable clothes. His boss left him alone as long as he got his work done. He didn’t see anybody and only interacted with his computer screen.

JP enjoyed working out to keep his body trim. He could keep alone to himself while running thus avoiding all conversation. He followed a regular exercise routine that included pull-ups, sit-ups and other upper body calisthenics so he showed the signs of a six-pack ab with the right t-shirt.

JP had a few girlfriends but they were all short-term friendships. Fortunately they believed in friends with benefits and he lost his virginity several years ago. His most recent girlfriend broke up with him a few weeks ago. She probably was certifiably crazy and they enjoyed crazier sex. When she broke up with him, she made comments about dull and routine then walked out, never seeing him again.

JP’s cock was long and thin. Some of his girlfriends described it as “pencil cock”. JP didn’t mind, as long as they were looking and admiring it, he knew it was on their mind. He also had copious amounts of precum that helped to lubricate whatever he was fucking -- pussy, ass and for the last few weeks, his hand. His long cock came in handy when his crazy girlfriend wanted to go up against the wall. He easily reached and filled her pussy in the acrobatic position and his fluids left a pool of cum dripping on the floor.

He commuted in an aging subway that was always packed during rush hour. Nobody looked up at each other; everyone was absorbed with their own mp3 device, reading a paper, and generally avoiding interaction with anyone else.

The subway arrived into the station a little late for the commute home. JP looked at his watch and idly noted the time. Then he looked around and didn’t see anyone he recognized. Who was he kidding, nothing happened to him and he didn’t know anyone. A couple of cute girls caught his attention. One in particular seemed to notice him. She was dressed in a mini-skirt and a loose fitting t-shirt. He couldn’t read all of the wording but caught the gist of it, something about “Hot Stuff”, “Fox”, something implying she was ready for sex, anytime or anyplace.

JP wore loose fitting shorts, almost like jogging shorts with an elastic band. His Nike T-shirt hugged his upper body with the phrase “Do It” plastered prominently on the front. The outfit was more comfortable for this warm spring day. The only problem was when he noticed girls in sexy outfits, like mini-skirts, his cock would stand out creating a noticeable bulge, almost a tent in the shorts. Willing himself for control, he took a deep breath to relax, focused on his work and relived all of the mistakes he made on the computer screens that day that he would need to fix the next day.

JP exchanged eye contact and a slight smile with the girl. To his surprise she held his gaze slightly longer than necessary. He had a premonition they would meet each other again.

Before his cock could rise again, the subway rolled in. He waited patiently for the passengers to disembark and when the cars were available he slowly merged in along with the masses. Due to the rush hour, all of the seats were taken. The crowd surge pushed him towards the middle of the car and to his surprise, she was also pushed along side of him. She faced away with her back to him to get a better handle on the support bar.

JP reached overhead to grab the handles to steady himself before the subway started. With a smooth movement and a hum, the subway pulled away and started down the track into a darken tunnel. The car was packed and he was pressed up against her. He could smell her hair and feel her heat. Afraid that his cock would respond to these stimulations, he willed himself, again, to relax and thought of boring computer screens at his work station.

Everyone went back to his or her own thoughts and conversations. They all became oblivious to the rest of the commuters. JP was no exception and zoned out while standing idly in the car.

A minute later JP broke out of his reverie when he felt a small finger tapping and stroking his cock. It had been a week since he last jacked off so his balls and cock were loaded and primed. Looking down he saw her petite fingers delicately stroking him through his pants. People standing up surrounded both JP and her, so unless they were looking down they wouldn’t see what was happening.

JP almost didn’t believe what was happening. His desires overcame any inhibitions so he pressed closer towards her ass and into her wonderful hand. JP felt her hand firmly grasp his cock.


Almost on cue the subway entered a dark part of the tunnel when suddenly the lights went out. The subway slowly came to a gentle stop and rested in darkness. A power failure and the back-up lights didn’t come on!

Through it all JP was focused on the petite hand with its firm grip on his cock. Unmistakably, he felt it reach into his pants, through the elastic waistband, and firmly grasp his cock directly.

By now JP’s cock became a steel rod and firmly stood out. His precum was also oozing freely, lubricating everything it touched, including her hand. His pants painfully restricted his penis. He then felt a second hand pulling his waistband down, freeing his cock.

Through the cacophony of the yelling and swearing of the other passengers, he heard a distinct, “Do it”. It was a soft feminine voice, coming from her, just above a whisper, yet loud as a jet engine to JP’s ear.

With his free hand JP lifted her skirt and pressed his cock between her ass cheeks. He felt her hand angling his cock guiding it towards her sphincter. As his cock rested at her entrance, he heard a soft moan that escaped her lips, unheard by anyone except to JP’s attuned ears.

Her ass felt lubricated and slippery. JP wasn’t sure that her slipperiness was from his precum or if she prepared herself before this encounter. For that matter, he couldn’t be sure that it wasn’t “sloppy seconds”. He didn’t care. All he cared about was that her tight hot opening was expanding, welcoming, inviting him in.

By now she released his cock and grabbed his pants, drawing him in. She was definitely in charge of this trip, he was just along for the ride. The entire wild scene was too much for him. He felt like a virgin in high school who didn’t know how to control himself. Between a week’s worth of jism, the incredibly tight, smooth ass that gripped him, and the thrill of being discovered any second, he only lasted two strokes before coming deep in her ass. Only the simultaneous yelling by everyone else prevented anyone except JP from hearing her soft moan as he pumped his hot fluid into her, coating her inner walls.

As quickly as it started, it ended. JP felt her pull away clenching a firm seal locking in his semen as his cock pulled free. He felt a slight rustle of her skirt as she smoothed it over her ass. Almost mechanically he pulled his cock back into his pants. Fortunately he was just in time as the power returned to the subway. The lights came back on and the subway continued smoothly for another 30 seconds until it reached its next stop.

JP was about to ask for her name and number when she walked out the door, turned, smiled, winked at him, then turned and walked away. In his post orgasmic stupor, JP could only wave an automatic goodbye before the subway door closed as it progressed to its next destination. For some reason James Blunt’s song “You’re Beautiful” kept going on inside his head as JP kept a blank look in his eyes and a smile on his face.

“Yes, she caught my eye As we walked on by She could see from my face that I was, Fuckin’ high And I don’t think that I’ll see her again But we shared a moment that will last till the end”

Over the next few weeks JP tried to wrap his head around the experience. He went to see his doctor to get tested for STDs. The doctor didn’t believe JP’s story and lectured him about picking up hookers. Fortunately all of his tests came out negative. He vainly sought her at the subway station and deliberately missed his train a couple of times to see if she would come again. Driven to distraction he took a week vacation to go on a long drive to the coast.

JP wanted to avoid traffic and left mid-morning Tuesday. He probably over analyzed the preparation but hoped he would miss the normal morning rush hour traffic, people returning home from the weekend traffic, and before the lunch crowd traffic, a boring well-planned time to leave. He picked up a Venti size coffee for breakfast and some snacks in case he got hungry.

About two hours into JP’s drive, his “itty bitty bladder”, or IBB, signaled its capacity was reached. He pulled off the main road and managed to find a rest stop off of the side of the road, nestled near a clearing surrounded by trees. It was a peaceful setting and JP mentally noted it as a place he could come and relax for future trips. If the site allowed camping, he might even consider camping here for a restful vacation.

For now, his IBB had more pressing needs. There was one car parked by the rest station. The car was a black sporty two-seater and was tricked out with front and back spoilers. It looked low to the ground. JP speculated that at night, the undercarriage would glow and the headlights were probably modified, too. As much as JP wanted to admire the car he had more pressing needs, or more specifically, he had needs pressing on his bladder.

Going into the bathroom JP heard distinct moans and voices.

“Yeah babe, your body is hot and your pussy so tight.”

“Oh stud, your cock is so big, it fills me up. Bang me, fuck me, fill me up with your hot jism!”

JP couldn’t believe this was happening. He entered the rest station and saw a single urinal against the wall to the right. Adjoining it was a single wooden bathroom stall. A sink was opposite of the stall on the left. He looked closer at the bathroom wall and saw a well-worn hole, about cock high.

A glory hole!

“Oh babe, let me smell your sweet pussy. Bring your panties to my face. I want to smell your pussy juice while I fuck you.”

There was a brief silence followed by some rustling sounds and some giggling. Two moans pierced the silence, one high pitched and one lower pitched. The moans continued without pause punctuated by “fop, fop, fop”, the unmistakable sounds of a wet pussy being slammed.

Curiosity got the better of JP and he quietly approached the glory hole, bent down, and peered in. He saw a surreal sight almost like a scene from poorly acted class B porn movie. A naked young man was seated on the toilet with a pair of panties on his face. A bra affixed the panties to his head so he couldn’t shake it loose. A naked girl faced him riding his cock. She had full breasts around a B cup. Although the breasts were smothered by the boyfriend’s hands, JP could tell they were natural and he would have enjoyed sucking on her nipples. Her ass was firm and smooth, evidence that she took care of her body and worked out. She was wearing her high heels, the extra height helped her to bounce up and down on his cock. Her pussy juices coated his cock and made a rivlet that dripped into the toilet.

Transfixed, JP watched the surreal scene when she turned to face him. She had an elfin face and small sheen coated her body, in part from her arousal and in part from her exertion. Unbelievably, she winked at him, brought her forefinger to her mouth to signal him to be quiet, the started to suck three of her fingers to show off her oral skills. Her fingers worked deep into her throat to show she could suppress her gag reflex.

A minx!

Shocked, JP stood up. As he looked down he saw a petite glistening forefinger poke through the hole. It curled upward beckoning him, signaling him to poke his cock through the hole.


Mesmorized, JP unzipped his pants and thrust his cock through the glory hole. It was immediately grasped by a firm, yet delicate hand. Then a warm moist mouth engulfed his cock, bathing it in spit while her tongue expertly probed and massage the underside.

JP remained silent while the young man continue to moan, “Yeah babe, your hot wet pussy will bring me off.”

JP’s body struggled to accommodate the new sensations. The internal and external urethic sphincters heroically and painfully shut close in preparation for the oncoming orgasm. JP felt like a high schooler again with such incredible and sensual stimulations on and in him. Between the vision of the couple fucking, the hot mouth engulfing his cock, his bladder and muscles warring and placing incredible pressure on his crotch, he felt his orgasm immediately building. Dutifully, his body leaked copious amounts of precum for the oncoming rush of hot fluid.

Tasting and sensing his orgasm, the minx swallowed his cock, pulling it into her throat. Feeling the tight throat muscles massage massaging his cock was too much for JP. He felt his balls tighten and with a painful sudden burst, his cum surged through his cock directly into her throat and stomach.

Once JP’s body finished releasing its seminal fluid, it switched over to the other pressing need. JP could feel his bladder sphincters painfully relax and release the hot pee fluid directly into the girl’s throat and stomach.

For the girl, the prolonged hypoxia from cutting off her air supply, her boyfriend’s cock pounding on her cervix, and the feeling of fluids pulsing deeply into her gullet triggered a deep and convulsive orgasm. Literally fucked silly, all of her senses short-circuited and she only knew of her release and throbbing throughout her body.

For her boyfriend, feeling her convulse and smelling her pussy juices put him over the edge as he yelled, “Yeah babe, I’m pumping you full of my cum. Take it all!”

JP was astounded. He couldn’t believe the entire situation, the minx, the boyfriend, everything. How could this be happening? How could she hold her breath for so long? He found a minx while looking to pee. It developed into a DP with her BF and JP. She DT’d JP until he creamed. And how did he thank her? ... because of his IBB, he peed. JP knew it would serve him right if he got STD.

As JP withdrew a few drops of urine squirted into her mouth. At the same time JP heard the boyfriend say out loud, “That was great babe, come here and kiss me.” JP quickly zipped up his pants and silently left. As he was exiting the door he heard the boyfriend exclaim, “What the ... YOU TASTE LIKE PISS!”

Relieved, JP quickly left the facility. As he passed the car, he still admired it, but knew he would or should never see it again. He now had another event to think about. As he started his car and continued his drive towards the coast he thought of the two recent occurrences, both purely by accident on his part, that made his life a lot more interesting and fun. Although he didn’t plan any of these, he definitely appreciated the happy endings. Even though he tried to pursue one of them to repeat the experience, the opportunity was elusive and only occurred with luck. Perhaps he had a guardian angel that looked over him and arranged for this. He chuckled at that thought, what guardian angel would arrange for such debauchery. Probably more like an impish devil. He knew he was over thinking the situation and should just enjoy it.

By early afternoon JP arrived at his destination. It was an off-grid cabin located a short hike from a protective cove. His uncle built this with the help of many friends and family members. The uncle allowed anyone from the family to use it as long as they helped to maintain it and kept it stocked with provisions.

As JP approached the cabin, he saw that the previous family member recently painted it and did some maintenance on the roof. He carefully opened the lock and slowly entered the cabin. It was quiet and uninhabited. He saw evidence of Delta Dust and boric acid discretely and strategically placed in the corners and other locations to keep the ants and other crawling insects out. He also smelled a hint of cinnamon oil used to also discourage house ants. Arming himself with wasp spray he carefully walked along the perimeter, both inside and out, looking for any wasps or hornets nest. While walking he inspected the cabin for any damage, deferred maintenance work, squirrels or rats nests.

Satisfied that the cabin was well-maintained and habitable, JP started to unload his car. He brought in two carboys of drinking water, a variety of canned and preserved meats and fruits. He also brought in chips and trail mix for snacks. In his previous outings he actually survived on the chips and trail mix. To help the other family members he stocked the pantry with real food for the families to enjoy.

The cabin had a wood burning stove in one corner and simple furnishings throughout the interior. There was a simple table with chairs, a cupboard with basic cups and dishes, and another cupboard that doubled as a pantry. In one corner of the room was a loft, accessible by way of a ladder on the side. If a family came with children, the kids usually quickly climbed to the loft to claim the top space.

It had both a rain cachement system and a ground water hand pump. JP thought it was both redundant and not safe, so he always brought his own water to drink and wash his dishes.

The lavatory was located below the loft. It had a composting toilet, a small window for natural lighting and a built-in table that could hold a lamp at night. Some family members joked that it was like an airline toilet, which led them to kid each other about practicing to join the mile-high club. The cabin was well-planned with outside access to the compost allowing for easy routine maintenance.

Most adults, JP included, brought their own sleeping bags. Some adults brought folding cots or air mattresses. JP did not bother with a cot or mattress, opting for a simpler experience. He planned this trip to help clear his mind and make sense of the recent events. Unfortunately, his experience at the rest stop added to his confusion.

JP decided to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening at the cove. The gentle lapping of the water, the palette of colors as the day met the evening, and the smell of salt air would provide a welcome distraction and help clear his mind of the recent events. He left the cabin unlocked, trusting that no one would be here at the secluded location.

As JP worked his way towards the cove he sensed something was different. He heard conga drums beating to a strangely familiar music, almost like something from a distant past. As he came closer he breathed in a sweet smell.

Rounding the curve he saw a group of men and women playing and dancing to music. The event was equipped with a small sound system playing the strangely familiar music. The women adorned their hair with flowers. Some of them wore white flowing dresses. The men dressed simply, some without shirts. A small group played a variety of musical instruments including guitars, a conga, maracas and a tambourine. The man playing the tambourine seemed to be leading them, as the others asked him to play a song for them.

Incense burners were strung generously throughout the camp, its scent and fumes filling the air. JP recognized the scent as marijuana and thought to himself that person could get high just on the second hand smoke.

The cove was relatively small, so although JP did not intend to intrude on them, he was nearby. As he settled in he felt this was a good way to relax. He could sit back and enjoy the scenery, the scents, and the sounds.

Just as he sat down two women, probably in their 30’s or 40’s approached. They wore simple white flowing dresses. The fabric was gauze-like and sheer. JP could tell they were not wearing bras nor panties. They adorned their head with a small wreath of flowers, almost like a circlet of flowers. They each held a small bouquet of flowers in their hands. As they approached him, they introduced themselves.

“Hi, I’m Starshine,” said one.

“Hi, I’m Sunshine,” said the other. She continued on, “We noticed you were alone here and we want to invite you to our celebration.

With that, each of them extended a flower to him.

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