Chapter 18: Being Worthy

Amber teased, “So, Mike, did Margo and you get together last night after you got back from Europe? I bet you both were hornier than tree toads. You should have taken her with you.”

He said in a concerned tone, “No, actually. She told me that you told her to change the relationship with me, and she said she had so we weren’t doing anything, but then she added that you and I weren’t together with her when I asked. She said you’d understand precisely. I was a bit lost, but let it go at the time.”

“Does she know you’re both coming down to Sarasota this weekend?”

Mike replied, “Yes, and she said she was looking forward to being with us then. She put the emphasis on the ‘us’ too. What you tell her? What change is she implementing? I don’t understand what’s going on.”

“Maybe she’s being too literal. I told her that WE wanted to be in a relationship with her and that WE loved her. I emphasized that WE were a triad and that she was an integral and important part of who WE were.”

“Well, she’s coming with me on Friday, but she emphasized that she wanted some alone time with you, and I’m certain she didn’t mean sapphic-loving time. She’s got something deep she wants to talk about.”

“OK. I’ll try to figure out what’s going on in her pretty head. I’m guessing that she’s applying her MBA skills to her relationships, and that doesn’t always work. She’s trying to be too precise and too analytical, and probably treating our situation and overall group like a business case of some kind. She’s worried about improving efficiency, effectiveness, and transformation of US, instead of rolling with things, being sexy, understanding loving, and tolerant – you know, being a good SLUT.” Amber giggled.

“Well, I love you and I’m almost there with Margo, if only she’d loosen up some more.” Mike sounded serious. Amber thought he really hadn’t uncoupled from his trip and office work completely. He was still in deal-making mode.

Mike added, “The plane ought to be on schedule. At least there are no snowstorms or hurricanes along the east coast. We’ll see you Friday about five o’clock at SRQ; oh, and Brad’s coming too. He’s set up to see Kat and then the five of us can do something if they ever get out of bed. If Edie, Crystal, or Melody want to hang out with us, they’re more than welcome as far as we’re concerned.”

Amber teased, “You just want a whole lot of pussy this weekend.”

Mike laughed, “You know there’s a whole lot of truth in that statement.”

“Pussy hound!” she chided.

Friday, Amber engaged Dirk and his stretch limousine to meet Mike, Margo, and Brad at Sarasota airport. The large jet, almost the size of the well-known Boeing 737, taxied to Dolphin Aviation and stopped where a lineman directed with two red batons. The stairs deployed, and the three passengers came down to the tarmac.

Amber ran out of the building and into Mike’s arms. There were several hot kisses, and then she switched to Brad with only slightly less enthusiastic welcome. Lastly, she hugged Margo and the pair kissed on the lips – a long, sensuous kiss with all sorts of messages attached to it by both women.

After collecting their luggage that the copilot had collected from a hold in the plane’s side, the four walked through the FBO’s building and got into the limousine as Dirk put their bags in the trunk of the car. The four made small talk all the way to the new Westin hotel where Mike and Brad had booked a suite. No mention was made of a room for Margo, and Amber took this to mean that she would be staying with Mike and her – a good decision on someone’s part.

Kat met them at the hotel in the lobby, distributing kisses and warm welcomes to each of the refugees from the cold northeast. After checking in, Kat went off with Brad to his room and to ‘get comfortable’, obviously a euphemism for a welcome fuck.

Amber, Margo, and Mike hung out in the suite’s living room on the top floor overlooking the city’s marina. Amber turned to Margo, “Mike said that we should talk? Is now a good time?”

Margo blushed. She was a fair-skinned blonde, so just about any embarrassment was instantly visible on her face, neck, or chest. She said in a muted voice, “Yes, I suppose. After that, I suppose I can get my own hotel room.”

Amber flashed Mike a look and made a gesture for him to leave them alone. Mike announced, “I’ve been cooped up that plane for three hours. I need a walk, perhaps through the marina. I’ll be back in half-an-hour.” He hustled to the door, and left the girls standing in the middle of the suite’s living room.

Margo broke into tears as the door clicked shut. Amber gathered her in, a difficult maneuver since she was four inches shorter than Margo. “Baby,” she said, “what’s wrong? Tell me?”

Margo sobbed, “I’m so screwed up. I’ve got issues – lots and lots of issues.”

“Come sit with me. We’ll solve them all one at a time. What’s bothering you the most.”

Margo sobbed, “ALL of them.” She let Amber pull her to one of the two sofas and sat. She was crying into a tissue.

Amber softly said, “Let me guess, this has to do with falling deeper in love with Mike?”

“YES!” Margo blurted out, “And you too. I love you both so much, but I’m so unworthy.”

“Unworthy? Why would you think you’re unworthy? And for the record we both love you. Mike told me he loved you just yesterday. We’d both like you to loosen up a bit and to stop trying to apply your MBA to these relationships, but otherwise we think you’re flawless. Those are minor things for us.”

Margo sobbed, “When we were in the Caribbean I fucked Mike and Martin and Jim. I made out with Brad and Jerry too ... and all within a couple of days of each other. I was so bad. Mike can’t possibly love me ... or you.” She buried her face in her hands.

Amber sighed at the self-inflicted drama. “Margo, stop right now!” she commanded. “Look at me and tell me what you see.”

Margo snuffled herself more upright and looked at Amber. “I see a beautiful young woman that is supremely self-confident, aware of everything going on in the world, and sexy beyond description. I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful I think you are.”

“What do I do?”

Margo’s eyes flared. “Errr, you ... do ... business consulting...”

“And?”

“And, I guess you’re an escort.”

“Right, and what are all the other names for an escort?”

“Uhmmm, you mean like courtesan?”

“Keep going. Get to unkind ones.”

“Call girl? Prostitute?”

“How about whore?”

“I don’t think of you that way,” Margo insisted, her crying easing up as she spoke.

“But that’s what I am and do. Mike doesn’t seem to mind. Why should YOU think you’re unworthy if I deserve those labels? You’re smart, beautiful, sexy, and one of the most desirable women I know.”

“Because...” Margo started and then paused. “I don’t judge you,” she said.

“Then don’t judge yourself by different standards.”

“But I was raised that way.”

“Another soul lost to the fundamentalist movement in America,” Amber sighed aloud. “Margo, set yourself free. Be bold. No guts, no glory. Forget all that judgment stuff. That’s all SOMEONE ELSE’S opinion about how people should live, not yours. If you want to adopt someone else’s code of ethics and behavior, at least pick someone who is fun and enjoys life to the fullest.”

Margo snuffled, “Like you?”

“At least I don’t think I generate the kind of drama you’ve been wallowing in, apparently since we got back from St. Croix. Other than many fond memories and good feelings, I have not a single regret about what happened in the Caribbean other than I would have liked another week with all my friends and lovers, and I could have used a lot more time for sex.”

Margo studied Amber for a full minute, as they were silent, then said, “How? How can I change?”

Amber said, “Talk to me, a lot – like everyday at least once or twice. Call me. We become best friends and we talk about every little qualm that you have about yourself until it’s gone or dealt with.”

“That makes sense. I’d like that. I hope that would work.”

“There’s more,” Amber said. “You’ve got to loosen up when you catch yourself judging yourself harshly. One way I found to do that is to take a bold step and then see how it feels. You have hang-ups about having sex with people, so go have sex with people. Teach yourself not to accept negative assessments of your behavior. You weigh doing it – put the assessment there, but not after you’ve done it. All that does is weigh you down unnecessarily; by then it’s too late. Move on to the next challenge you set.”

“What do I do about Mike?”

Amber smiled, “Well, make love to him is my first recommendation. I was shocked to hear that you didn’t want to do that until we had this talk.”

Margo looked down, “I didn’t think I was worthy.”

“Do you think you’re worthy now after what I told you?”

“Maybe. Yes, I guess I am.” Margo’s tone was full of uncertainty.

“Who’s the judge of that in this situation?”

“I guess ... Mike?”

“Right. And how would you know what he’s feeling?”

“Ask him?”

“Right! Or you could watch how he reacts to you. Is he mad, dismissive, distant, grumbling, silent, or is he inviting, happy, smiling, conversational, affectionate, and inclusive? When he got back from Europe, what did he say to you?”

“He invited me to dinner and to stay overnight with him.”

“Duh! What’s that tell you?”

“That he wanted my company – wanted me?”

“Precisely, and you turned him down because you applied your own warped sense of judgment about your past behavior instead of asking Mike what he thought. When he comes back, ask him exactly how he felt about what you did when we were on St. Croix. Ask him how he feels about you now. I’ll stay or give you privacy. Mike and I are very open about how we feel about each other and others, including you.”

Almost on cue the door to the suite opened and Mike strolled in. He looked at the two of them on the sofa and asked, “Do you need more time?”

“No. You’re arrival is perfectly timed. Come join us.” Amber waved him into the room.

Mike sat across from them on the other sofa.

Amber announced, “Margo has some questions for you.”

Margo looked shocked that she was put on the spot so quickly. She looked at Amber who gave her a nudge to say something.

Margo posed, “Mike, when we were on St. Croix, what did you think of me, especially after I made-out or slept with the other men?”

Mike smiled, “I was happy that you seemed to be having a good time. I knew you were pushing your boundaries in some of the situations, but I hoped you’d end up feeling all right about it. I take it from the question, that you don’t?”

Margo nodded. “I didn’t until what you just said.” She paused and asked, “What do you think of me now?”

Mike got up and came over and sat beside Margo. He gathered her into his arms. “Margo, I love you. I really do. I want us to become closer and closer, and to grow old together. I can do that better when you stop judging yourself and feeling bad about some of the relationship situations you find yourself in. I include the sex in that statement. You’re not a cold fish, but I feel you hold back because you think I’ll think ill of you for doing something sexy or bold or off your scale of behavior norms. Trust me, I won’t ever feel bad for something you try, even if it doesn’t work out for one or all of us.”

Margo looked at Amber, but asked Mike, “What about Amber? How do you feel about her?”

“I love her to pieces. She takes ME places I didn’t know existed. She helps me extend my boundaries. She’s bold, can be meek or flashy, puts her all into our lovemaking and sex, and is willing to try just about anything I can think up, in any part of our relationship. I see us being a couple forever, maybe having kids if she’s interested, and sitting in rocking chairs when we’re old talking about all we did but can’t do anymore.” He laughed towards the end of his statement.

Margo’s eyes got all glassy and she looked from Mike to Amber, and back. In a sad tone she said, “What about me?”

Amber took her hand, and Mike kissed her. He said, “We’d hope you’d be in the other rocking chair with us, Baby.”

“Margo, do not put your underwear back on,” Amber admonished, as they got out of the shower together. Mike was still under the spray doing a final rinse. It had been an erotic shower because no one washed themselves, plus there were kisses galore that almost made each of them lustful enough to return to the large bed for a further round of mind blowing sex.