Chapter 54: No Way Out?

April 16, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

I had decided to take Friday off and go with Jesse to the Holy Friday services at Saint Innocent of Moscow. I’d checked with Kara, and she’d decided to only attend Jesse’s baptism on Saturday morning and the Paschal services on Saturday night. I wasn’t surprised when Jessica declined to go with Jesse and me.

The services were as beautiful as always, and Jesse was hyped for what was going to happen the next morning. Between services, I had time to talk to Andrei and Svetlana, as well as Andrei’s parents. We also spent some time talking to Father Basil, and went over the baptismal ceremony. After the Lamentations service, the two of us headed home.

We celebrated Samantha’s birthday with cake and ice cream, and she received small presents from the kids. When we put the kids down for bed, Samantha and I went to the sauna.

“How was your day?” I asked.

“Crazy,” she said. “I went straight from school to the office. I need to put someone in the president’s chair for the next four years until I graduate. Somebody I trust to run things without creating trouble. I’d pick you, but I know your answer - ‘Drop dead!’.”

“Pretty much,” I said. “Why not ask Alec Glass to help you?”

“If it weren’t for Lisa being arrested, that might work. Alec doesn’t have anyone in place to help him right now, so he’s not really an option.”

“This might sound crazy, but what about your mom? If it’s just a figurehead you want, won’t she work?”

“She’s never been involved in the business at all. Nobody would trust her. I need someone who is a good manager, even if they don’t know the securities business.”

“What about one of the Navy guys?” I asked. “Howard or Karl?”

“I could sure as hell pay better! And someone with a rank of Lieutenant Commander or higher would automatically command some respect. Could you give me Karl’s number? If he’s not interested he might know someone who is.”

“Another person to talk to would be Jamie Ferguson. He might know someone.”

“That’s a great idea! I’ll do that tomorrow! I have OTHER ideas for tonight!”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” I chuckled.

April 17, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“I must be completely out of my mind,” Jennifer said on Saturday morning as we walked up to the doors of Saint Innocent of Moscow.

“I didn’t think that was ever a question,” I teased.

“You’re sure this place isn’t going to collapse when we walk in?” Josie asked.

“If I can safely go inside, I think you can,” I chuckled. “You missed the hilarious conversation yesterday.”

“What was that?” Jennifer asked.

“Jesse was asking about baptism and Vasily told him that back in ancient times people were baptized naked! They only do that with babies now. You can imagine what our son had to say!”

Jennifer laughed, “I have his white gown, and he has bathing trunks with him, like you said.”

“Father Basil convinced him that it wasn’t right to be naked in church, but it was touch and go.”

The entire family was in church for the first time, including, to my surprise, both Abbie and Samantha. Bethany had also come with Nicholas, and Dave and Julia were there with their sons. Jesse was baptized after the Old Testament readings but before the Epistle during the Divine Liturgy. Although he could receive the Eucharist that morning, he had, after talking to Vasily, decided to wait for the Paschal service that evening, when he would be the first to receive the blessed bread and wine from Father Basil.

“I thought those readings would go on forever,” Josie said quietly after the service as we walked to the cars.

“The entire book of Job?” I chuckled. “And the story of the three young men from Daniel. They are long!”

“I swear when the priest said ‘Let us complete our prayer unto the Lord’, it was another twenty minutes before they actually finished!”

I was laughing now, “Welcome to Orthodoxy. The service tonight is nearly four hours long when all is said and done!”

“Dad, is everyone coming tonight?” Jesse asked.

“Probably just Aunt Kara, and me,” I said. “Aunt Chess has to work tomorrow morning. Aunt Bethany said Nicholas could come with you if you wanted.”

“Yes!” he exclaimed.

“Remember, you have to take a nap this afternoon,” I reminded him.

“Yes, Dad,” he agreed.

We headed home in four cars, and everyone joined us for lunch.

“What’s your plan for Tuesday?” Jessica asked.

“I’m going to fly to Pittsburgh around noon on Tuesday, and fly back early on Wednesday. I’ll go to the office Tuesday morning and Wednesday afternoon. We’ll do a small thing for Abbie on Wednesday, but the main party will be on Saturday. That’ll be for Penny, Abbie, and me.”

“We’re not going out?” Jessica asked.

“I think it’s better just to be here at home. Did you decide about Friday night?”

“I’ll go with you.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

“And we’re seeing Doctor Green next Saturday right after lunch?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

After lunch, I went with Jesse and his moms back to the coach house. I took him aside to talk to him.

“You know that the Eucharist has alcohol in it?” I said. “It’s red wine with warm water and bread.”

“Yes! Father Basil told me!”

“But you can’t spit it out the way you did the bourbon when you tasted it, or wipe off your tongue. People would be very sad if you did that.”

“What if I don’t like it?”

“Then you just swallow it and get some of the bread, the antidoron, and eat that. It will help.”

“Father Basil will use the spoon to put it in my mouth?”

“Yes. It’s not a lot, if you look how small the spoon is. Just swallow and then get some bread, OK?”

“Yes, Dad!”

“Good! Now, go have your nap. I need to talk to Mom One!”

Jesse went upstairs to his room and I asked Jennifer to take a walk with me.

“What’s bothering you?” Jennifer asked.

“It’s that obvious?”

“You asked me to take a walk which means you don’t want Jesse or Josie to hear it,” she smiled. “Oh, and I know you, Kara, and Jess are having serious issues.”

“How much do you know?”

“Elyse, Abbie, and Samantha all came to talk to me.”

“I figured. Two of them think I’m giving up too much to keep Jessica. Elyse basically accused me of becoming soulless and not enjoying life.”

“Because you’re so focused on Jessica and because you regressed to your completely submissive self?”

“You don’t mince words, do you Jen?”

“No. It really is that simple. You turned submissive again. And you need to stop.”

“Then I’ll lose her,” I sighed.

“If you continue on this path, you’ll lose everyone else. You can’t go back, Steve. Not to that.”

“What do you propose I do?”

“Find a different way. Being submissive is a recipe for disaster. It always was. The strong Steve is the only one who can lead his family and lead his company.”

“And lose my wife,” I sighed.

“Try to find another way. Talk to Kara.”

“That’s what Elyse suggested I do as well.”

“And with good reasons,” Jennifer said. “Kara is the one who’s being hurt the most by this.”

“I know,” I said, sighing deeply.

“And, to be honest, it’s hurting you worse than you realize or are willing to admit. You aren’t your new self. You aren’t having fun. Something has to give. And soon.”

“I know,” I repeated. “I know.”

We walked in silence for another ten minutes before we came back to the house and I went up to take a nap before the Paschal service which would start at 11:00pm.

April 18, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“The servant of God Jesse partakes of the Body and Blood of Christ for the remission of sins and life everlasting,” Father Basil said quietly.

Jesse, his arms crossed across his chest with his palms flat on his shoulders, opened his mouth to receive the Eucharist. Father Basil spooned a bit of the blessed wine and bread from the chalice into Jesse’s mouth. Jesse wiped his lips on the red cloth, and then Vasily, now his godfather, received the Eucharist. They moved off together to the basket containing the antidoron, the blessed bread, and each took a piece for themselves, as well as pieces to share with Kara and me. We accepted them and ate them.

I could tell Jesse was, to use an entirely apt phrase, in heaven. He’d been waiting for this day for years, and it had finally arrived. Nicholas had managed to stay awake, but I could tell he was teetering on the edge of simply falling asleep on his feet. As soon as the service ended, I scooped him up and he fell asleep on my shoulder.

We stayed for the usual party at the restaurant down the street, and arrived home just before 6:00am. We put the boys down to sleep in the guest rooms so we wouldn’t have to disturb Jennifer and Josie. Kara and I went up to our room, and got into bed just as Jessica was getting up. I set the alarm for 1:00pm, got a kiss from Jessica, and then fell asleep.

Kara and I got up, ate lunch, and then settled in the great room to watch the race from North Wilkesboro with Abbie. We’d postponed the Rap Session for a week because of Pascha, and honestly, at this point, I didn’t miss it because it seemed like we were rehashing the same ground over and over. We needed some way to kick-start it, but I hadn’t come up with anything.

We turned on ESPN and it was depressing to see the #7 car, now driven by Jimmy Hensley. I was heartened to see that they had a new sponsor, Bojangles, for a three-race deal. Rusty Wallace won the race easily, leading the last 102 laps. Bill Elliott finished 10th, which, given the season he was having, wasn’t bad. Jimmy Hensley finished 12th, which I felt was very good given everything that had happened.

“Hensley did a great job,” I said. “It had to be tough on the team.”

“Jason said they’re all just working hard and trying to focus on racing, but it’s tough.”

“Any word on what happens with the team yet?”

“When I talked to him yesterday, he said they had a dozen serious inquiries, but it’s going to take some time to sort out. He said something about submitting bids.”

“That would make sense,” I said. “If there are multiple people interested.”

With the race over, Kara and I went to the ‘Indian’ room to spend some time together. We needed to talk, and figure out a way forward; or rather, a different way forward. The problem was, I had no idea how to satisfy each of our needs in a way that didn’t create problems for one or both of the other persons in our trio. I had thought simply subsuming all of my needs and desires would resolve the problem, but it hadn’t; not for Kara and, according to Jennifer and Elyse, not for me.

I didn’t know what to do, but I did have a place to start.

“I’m sorry that the way I’ve handled this has hurt you,” I said to Kara. “I just don’t know what else I could do to salvage our marriage.”

“Simply letting her run roughshod over us isn’t a marriage, Snuggle Bear,” Kara said sadly.

“I know. I guess I’m at my wit’s end.”

“Do you remember what you told me about Samantha? About taking and not giving? That’s where Jessica is at this point. And I think it’s where she’s always been. And to use a word you hate, it’s not fair to me. Or to you. Or to the kids. Or anyone else.”

“You’re probably right. Do you think I should cancel my trip to Japan?” I asked. “I can still do that. Maybe put it off for a year?”

Kara shook her head, “That’s just more submissive behavior.”

“Is it? Or is it acknowledging that we have a major problem the three of us need to resolve, and that running away for five weeks is a really bad idea?”

Kara sighed deeply, “You know, at this point, I have no idea. I feel like I’m adrift. But I also feel trapped.”

“Trapped?”

“I’m afraid to do anything because of how it might affect Jessica, or because it might upset you because you think it will upset Jessica. I’m sorry, but I just can’t take it any longer.”

“Is that an ultimatum?” I asked softly.

Kara shook her head, “No. I’m telling you I’m unhappy and can’t take it anymore. But I also can’t leave you. I, I, I don’t know...”

She began crying and I took her in my arms and held her. I totally understood Kara’s feelings of being trapped. The more I thought about it, the more I felt there was no way out. But I didn’t believe in the ‘no-win scenario’. I’d run into situations where the choices were less than optimal, but never one where the only choices were complete disasters. The current situation, though, looked more and more like the Kobayashi Maru where the only way out which Kirk could find was, in effect, cheating.

I was at a point where I had to evaluate the situation and set my priorities, and then do my best to achieve as many of them as possible, with as good an outcome as possible. But that created a problem in and of itself. If our marriage was the top priority, and I couldn’t fix it, then what? Elyse, Jennifer, and Abbie all seemed to think that I was prioritizing Jessica over everyone else and would lose everyone else because of that. They all felt I’d given too much, and it was obvious from the sobbing woman in my arms that Kara felt that way as well. And that was the deciding factor. It had to be.

I thought back to everything that had happened since Christmas of ‘84, and how things had progressed and I realized there was one question I’d never asked Al Barton. And that was, what had made him finally get his act together. All he had said to me was that he had ‘grown up’. But I suspected it was more complicated than that. And whatever it was that had helped change him might just give me some insight into how to resolve the issues with Jessica.

“Honey, I need to go talk to Al Barton. Are you OK with that?”

“Yes; do you want me to come along?”

“No. I think this needs to be a very private conversation so that I can get him to answer some questions. I suppose it’s a last-ditch effort before I throw in the towel.”