Chapter 50: Icing on the Cake

March 16, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“Jess, we need to talk to you,” I said through the door of the guest room.

“I thought I was supposed to think about everything,” she protested, weakly.

“I had a revelation and I think it’s important to talk right now. Please. Just hear me out and then you can send us away if you want.”

I heard movement, and then the door opened. Jessica was wearing her matching robe, and went to sit on the bed. I sat in the chair; Kara sat on the edge of the bed, but away from Jessica.

“So?” Jessica asked.

“Can we agree to tell the unvarnished truth?” I asked.

“I thought you did that earlier without asking me,” Jessica said tersely.

“I did ask if I could be blunt,” I countered. “But will you please admit that this entire thing with my sister was pure BS and not the REAL issue?”

“And just what do you think the real issue is?”

“Mostly what I said earlier, but when I was talking to Kara, I remembered what you said to me immediately after you proposed in April of ‘85. You said, in talking about medical careers, Something has to give, and it’s usually the marriage. And the career can suffer from having kids. I reject that notion and I want to find a solution to it. Do you remember saying that?”

“Yes,” Jessica nodded.

“Well, I forgot it until about ten minutes ago. And I think that’s the core of the problem. Combine that with the fact that you feel nobody has ever loved you or can love you, and you don’t feel you can love anyone, and we have a recipe for disaster. The disaster that is unfolding right now that I’m trying my damnedest to prevent. You can’t compromise, even a tiny bit, because you don’t love me, or Kara, or even your kids enough to compromise. Fine. I accept that.”

“You what?” Jessica asked, recoiling.

“You told me up front! In April of 1985, before I asked you and Kara to marry me. I just didn’t hear you. Well, I heard you, but I didn’t LISTEN. I talked to Kara after we went upstairs and I think I’ve figured out why you feel the way you do. You tried to tell me, but I didn’t listen. Because of everything that happened before December 26, 1984, you had, in effect, turned off every single emotion and every single feeling and decided that the only measure of success in your life was being the best trauma surgeon in the history of the world.

“That was something you felt you could do by yourself, only it didn’t turn out that way. You needed help, just as you do in the ER or OR. People to support you. But it didn’t matter who those people were - they were interchangeable, so long as they served their purpose. And once you received the Fellowship at Cook County, neither Kara nor I served any purpose. Well, no purpose which couldn’t be served elsewhere.

“Sex? You could get that elsewhere. Great sex, even. Heck, I hear Jorge is pretty competent and he has high marks from Cindi, which says something. You even admitted he’s your fantasy lover. And there would be others, I’m sure, if you looked. Emotional support? You think you can provide your own support, because you feel you always have, even though the rest of us might disagree. Or if you HAVE needed us, now that you feel you’ve ‘arrived’ you can safely dispense with us, like a used surgical tool.

“Family? You’re married to your job in the way Al is married to his. He’s said, many times, his relationship with Belinda is successful because she travels a lot. He loves his kids, but he also doesn’t let them interfere with his work. In fact, as far as I can see, Al Barton hasn’t made a single concession in his career. Even coming to Chicago ‘for you’ was a major benefit to his career.

“And maybe that’s the lesson here. Even Doctor Albert Francis Barton, MD, FACS, Chief of Emergency Medicine at University of Chicago Hospital, has learned to love and be loved, despite being one of the best trauma surgeons in the world. The man saved my Sweetheart when she was basically un-savable, and if that doesn’t make him the best, I don’t know what would. He loves his wife and kids, he loves me, and most importantly, he loves YOU. And he hasn’t compromised one iota!

“So here we are. Doctor Jessica Lee Adams, MD, soon enough to be FACS, and probably a host of other letters I don’t yet know about, is finding that she can’t handle her relationships because she thinks she has to compromise her career. And I’ve fed that by trying to get her to compromise. Even when she pushed back, I still looked for ways to get her to compromise. And every time I did that, I drove a wedge between us.

“I shouldn’t be surprised at what happened. In a way, it’s my fault because I didn’t really listen to what you said. You even repeated it to Samantha last Spring. You confirmed that earlier. What you wanted was someone who would escort you, look good on your arm, and curl your toes. But that was it. You didn’t want me meddling in your medical career. At all. Fine. I accept my mistake and I apologize.

“Now, it’s your turn. You do have to make one small concession. Very small. And that is to allow Kara, me, and the kids to love you. That’s it. Everything else will flow from there. But you have to want that. You have to WANT us to love you. I’m not sure you can do that right now, or if you can even commit to doing that in the future right now. But, if and when you can, let us know. We’ll be here. We love you. Both of us. And so do Albert and Ashley and the rest of the kids. But you have to allow us to love you. It really is that simple.”

I got up and took Kara’s hand. She stood up and Jessica pulled her knees up to her chin and rested it on them. She didn’t say anything, so I led Kara out of the room, pulling the door shut behind us. Wordlessly, we climbed the two flights of stairs to our room, took off our robes and got into bed.

“And now, we wait,” I said.

“May I ask something?” Kara inquired.

“Sure. What?”

“All the times Jessica said she loved us? And it seemed like she loved us? Was that all fake? All just some kind of play acting?”

“There’s a Russian word, «mаскировка», that is used for military deception, like Operation Quicksilver, Patton’s fake invasion force for the Pas de Calais. I think it applies, but I’m not sure it applies. I think, honestly, there was some truth to it, but it was, in the end, not really her. She tried, but failed, to fit the mold we wanted her to fit. Was it pure deception? It’s possible. It’s also possible she deceived herself and lied to herself more than she did to us. But I don’t care.”

“You don’t care?”

“No. I love her. I mean that. Whatever she’s done, whatever she’s thought, however she’s felt, I don’t care. I just want her to stay. Not because of some sense of honor or commitment, but because I love her. I chose to do that, and I can’t simply ‘un-choose’. Weirdly, it doesn’t work in reverse. That’s something I’ve discovered over the years.”

“I love her, too,” Kara said. “But I’m not sure I can accept being used the way you said.”

“I suppose the question for you is whether or not you can accept her on her terms or not.”

“I don’t know,” Kara said.

“Let’s just sleep, Honey,” I said.

March 17, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“I need to go meet Gina,” I said.

“Jess didn’t come upstairs last night,” Kara sighed.

“No, she didn’t. I think it might be a few days. She has a LOT to think about.”

“What do I do if she comes to talk to me?”

“Talk to her. Love her. That’s all we can do at the moment.”

I kissed Kara and headed for the Y. The temperatures were typical March. It had been warmer at 2:00am than it was at 6:00am, so we were still running inside.

“Did she talk to you?” Gina asked when I walked in.

“Sort of. Just leave her be for now, please. I’m working through it.”

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

“When, and if, I can. It’s complicated.”

Gina laughed, “She’s a damned surgeon. A trauma surgeon. It’s either career or ego or both.”

“Both,” I sighed.

“Every fucking surgeon is a damned prima donna and thinks they walk on water! It gets VERY tiring. That’s why I opted for internal medicine. We only think we’re demi-gods!”

I laughed, “Only?”

“Only. Let’s run!”

We did our usual run, and then I headed home for my shower and breakfast. I was happy to see Jessica at the breakfast table, though other than ‘good morning’ she didn’t say anything. I suspected she wasn’t ready to talk, and that was fine. If she started participating in family life again, that was a good sign. I didn’t push anything, but was very happy when Birgit, Albert, and Ashley all hugged her and kissed her.

Jessica hadn’t said anything else by the time I finished breakfast, but did accept the offered kiss when Elyse and I left for work.

“You made some progress,” Elyse said as we headed to the office.

“A tiny bit, perhaps. Sorry about last night.”

“Your marriage is far more important than you and I screwing! Besides, I had a week’s worth of your attention while we traveled! Are you going to be able to focus today?”

“I think so. What I said to Jess last night was pretty tough, but she needed to know that I know what’s bothering her. Or at least, I think I do. But I’m pretty sure I’m right.”

“What we talked about yesterday?”

“Mostly, but I took it further. Yesterday, I met her 99% of the way. Not halfway.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?”

“Should I lose her?” I asked.

“Sometimes you can’t keep a relationship together no matter how hard you try.”

“Jess has no idea how to love or be loved. Nobody, at least as she sees it, has ever loved her. And she’s never loved anyone. Well, not since she was six.”

“That’s when she found out ... the thing I’m not supposed to say?”

“Yes. There are a lot more details about her life you don’t know, but suffice it to say she never felt loved. Ever.”

“You wrote all that other stuff in your journal, you dope!”

“Shit!” I sighed. “I did, didn’t I? Well, OK, then you DO know. Think about her life. Nobody ever REALLY wanted her. Her mom tried to have an abortion and was stymied only because Texas prohibited abortions in 1960. Think about THAT! It’s like me. My mother did NOT want me. She wanted the baby she miscarried before me. I wrote that in my journal, too.”

“I just do not understand that! You didn’t kill that baby! Nature did!”

“Very true. But that’s not how it worked in her mind. I even got a modified version of the girl’s name she picked out. My sister got that name. But when it was clear Stephanie bonded to me, then my brother became the perfect angel for some reason. Or something. It would take a lifetime of psychotherapy to unpack that mess. And I don’t have the energy or desire to worry about it.”

“What does meeting her 99% of the way mean? You just capitulate?”

“No. It’s a starting point. I asked her for one thing. Just one. The only thing she needs to do is allow Kara, me, and the kids to love her. That’s it.”

“How hard is THAT?” Elyse asked.

“For Jessica? It’s like free-climbing Mount Everest without oxygen. It’s 1% for me; it’s 99% for her.”

“But you put it the other way!”

“I did, because that’s how everyone else will see it. Think about it. If she can’t do THAT, then there truly is no hope. And that will send the message to everyone loud and clear. It’s one thing to have no capacity to love; it’s a very different thing to have no capacity to BE loved.”

“And she’s worth this pain and suffering she’s putting you, Kara, and the kids through?”

“Yes, she is. I told Kara that I chose to love Jess. But I can’t simply ‘un-choose’ to love her. As I said, weirdly, it doesn’t work in reverse. That’s something I’ve discovered over the years.”

“Your love is permanent?”

“Once I make the decision? It would appear to be.”

“Wow,” Elyse sighed. “I knew you had an amazing capacity to love, but I never understood until just now what that really meant.”

“Hopefully, Jessica can understand that someday.”

“I hope so, for your sake; and for Kara’s; and the kids’.”

It was a busy day at work which made the time go fast. Other than a break for lunch, I was either on the phone, in meetings, reading documents, or responding to email. Elyse and I left at 5:00pm to drive home. Jessica would be at work until 10:00pm, so nothing could happen before then.

After dinner and karate, I spent some time with Samantha, just talking and making sure she was doing OK. She was worried about Jessica, but I reassured her that we were working through the issues. I didn’t go into detail, and Samantha didn’t ask, which showed me a level of maturity that made me quite happy.

Later, we were all sitting in the great room when the phone rang. I went to my study to answer it, and found a relatively irate Ailea on the phone. I’d completely forgotten to call her. I apologized and after a moment’s thought, agreed on a Sunday lunch at her grandfather’s house. For me, it would be good to get a refresher in the Japanese phrases I had learned as my trip was rapidly approaching.

Jessica arrived home about 10:15pm, and Kara and I were waiting in the great room. She greeted us, but then said ‘good night’ and went to the basement to sleep in the guest room. Kara looked at me and I simply took her hand and we went upstairs.

“I thought she might talk to us,” Kara said.

“Give her time,” I said. “She has to work through this.”

“What is she thinking?”

“She’s deciding if we’re just used surgical tools that can be cast off or not.”

“That sounds so crass!” Kara complained, sounding like she wanted to cry.

“I know. But it’s how her mind works. She’s not like you. Or like me. She’s more like Al when he was her age, or a bit younger. I think the fact that she talked to us, and accepted my kiss this morning is a good sign. Maybe not, but I think so.”

“This is hard, Snuggle Bear,” Kara said, a tear dripping down her cheek.

“I know, Honey. But I want her to stay. Don’t you?”

“Yes, but I don’t know if I can handle it!”

“Let’s see what happens. One thing I won’t let her do is drive a wedge between you and me. That’s non-negotiable.”

“Will you make love to me? Please?”

I smiled and took her in my arms and we kissed. And then we ‘kissed’ as Jesse would have put it a few years ago.

March 20, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“Are you sure it was a good idea to spend the night with me?” Samantha asked on Saturday morning.

“Yes. When Jess is ready to talk things out, she’ll let us know. I told you last night I made sure Kara was OK with it before I came to you.”

“Do you think I’m part of the problem?” Samantha asked, sounding very small.

I pulled her naked body tightly against me, “No. You aren’t. It’s far deeper than that, and has to do with a lot of things which happened when Jessica was younger.”