Chapter 74

1235 hours, local time,
Tuesday, 8 July, 2014
Mayor’s Office, City Hall,
Roanoke, Virginia

“Do you, Reginald, take these women, Kerry, Marisol, and Erin, as your lawfully wedded wives, to have and to hold from this day forward, to love, cherish, and protect, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” I asked Reggie, who was only too happy to take his daughters to wife.

“I do,” he beamed as he took his vows.

“Do you, ladies, take this man, your father, as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, to love, honor, and obey, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” I turned to the Campbell daughters.

“We do,” all three girls seemed very excited as they pledged themselves for life to their old man.

“Then, by the power vested in me by God as His Prophet and by the Free City of Roanoke, I now pronounce you man and wives. You may kiss your brides,” I informed the four of them now.

Reggie eagerly planted kisses on the lips of his new daughter-wives, even as they locked lips with their mother as well. Then they signed the marriage certificate, with plenty of witnesses to sign their names, too. I tapped Keith, Luis, and Rita next on the shoulders, indicating that they were to wed next, along with the three sisters.

“Do you, Keith and Luis, take these women, Rita, Kerry, Marisol, and Erin, as your lawfully wedded wives, to have and to hold from this day forward, to love, cherish, and protect, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” I inquired of the brothers.

“We do,” Keith cleared his throat.

“We do,” Luis repeated, fighting awkward laughter at the stunning reality of marrying his own flesh and blood.

“Do you, ladies, take these men as your lawfully wedded husbands, to have and to hold from this day forward, to love, honor, and obey, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” I asked the women.

“We do!” the ladies responded warmly.

“Then, by the power vested in me by God as His Prophet and by the Free City of Roanoke, I now pronounce you men and wives. You may kiss your brides,” I pronounced them, at which point they swapped spit with each other as they signed the marriage license.

Then I coughed and asked the men, “Do you, Campbell men, take each other as your lawfully wedded husbands, to have and to hold from this day forward, to love, comfort, and befriend each other, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”

“We do,” the guys declared together.

“Then, by the power vested in me by God as His Prophet and by the Free City of Roanoke, I now pronounce you men and husbands. You may kiss your grooms,” I announced next, knowing that the fellows were only too happy to exchange bodily fluids as well.

They signed the marriage license next, with yet more witnesses. I now performed my last act here, possibly (at least I thought) the final wedding that I would officiate here. It was the piece de resistance, the union of mother and daughters. I was quite happy to see a woman taking vows to her own daughters and sealing their nuptials with a kiss ... with several kisses, in fact.

“Do you, Campbell ladies, take each other as your lawfully wedded wives, to have and to hold from this day forward, to love, comfort, and befriend each other, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” I finally asked the girls.