Chapter 22

He hurried out of the house and into his car. It was not far to drive and it seemed no time before he was parking in the car park belonging to the flats. He sat for some moments, feeling fear. How would she react to him? Would she reject him out of hand? Only one way to find out. He sighed and left the car, climbing the stairs to Alex’s flat.

He let himself in and went to the living area; no one there. He had passed the empty bathroom and kitchen on the way, so only the two bedrooms remained, the doors to both of which were closed.

He knocked on the first bedroom, Alex’s. and peered in. Empty. He knocked on the second door and called out gently: “Celia?” as he opened it.

She was sitting up in bed, reading a book. She glanced up, saw him and he saw her frown, then look distressed.

For his part, David was taken aback. It had only been a few days, had he not noticed before she left? Her face looked thin, almost gaunt, and very pale. Her eyes were tired and dull. It stopped him dead.

“No!” she groaned, dropping the book on the quilt and closing her eyes. “I don’t need this! How did you get in?” Then her eyes opened in surprise. “This is Alex’s idea, isn’t it? He’s decided he can’t cope with me any more.

“Well, I’m not surprised, it’s ok, I’ve got my flat. Please David, go. I’m OK, I don’t need any help from you. Have you left the children alone in the house?”

“Alex is there. He’s staying until I get back. Siân’s there as well. The children will be fine. But you, love, you don’t look at all well.”

“I’m fine,” she almost groaned. “It’s nothing to do with you anyway. Not any more.” Then her voice took on a harder edge and she grimaced. “It’s too late to be begging me to come back. You’ve got Siân now, and I heard what you said about me in the pub. You made your opinion of me clear enough when you told them you wanted to get rid of me. Well you have, so go home. I don’t know what you came for anyway. Leave me alone.”

She sank back and looked defeated and thoroughly miserable.

“Celia, sweetheart, you’re so wrong about the pub,” David said quietly. Ozzy told you and Alex that that’s what I said. Ozzy arrived in the pub right at the end of Bill’s account of what I’d said, and even Bill didn’t get it right. Come to that, since when has Ozzy ever got anything right?”

“Celia smiled for the first time since David entered the bedroom though it was only a half smile, then became serious. “So what did you tell them?”

“What I said, was that if the atmosphere were to carry on between us as it has been, I couldn’t see much of a future for us because it would eventually upset the children. I said something like if you couldn’t stand living with me any more, you’d have to leave, but it was not what I wanted. I said that because of the coldness between us and because I believed you and Alex were an item now, and so you’d probably be leaving anyway to live with him.”

She roused and now looked puzzled. “Alex? Alex and me? Where d’you get that idea?”

“I know that’s wrong now: Alex told me the truth. But Alex did begin avoiding me, didn’t he? He was never available during your time off, and on New Years’s Eve–”

“Oh Hell!” she closed her eyes as if defeated. “Our friends, they tried to cover for us, and you saw what was going on.”

“Siân did. We went to the club and saw you both leave in a hurry as we arrived – it was obvious you’d been tipped off and were avoiding us. We followed you and we saw you in his bedroom taking off your clothes. Can you see why I thought you two were in a relationship and were trying to keep it from me?”

She now gazed at him. “David you’ve got the wrong idea. I agree, not surprisingly. But–”

“I know, I did have the wrong idea until tonight when Alex told me everything and I mean everything. How you’ve been feeling so much stress over all these weeks and months. I’ve been so stupid, so wrapped up in my own hurt.”

“David it’s not a year yet. No one would expect–”

“I know, but I wasn’t seeing how it’s been agony for you, living with me, so close and being ignored.”

“I’ve always understood how much you’ve missed Gwen, been preoccupied.”

“Celia, love, You said when you first arrived and I was trying to put you off, that you loved me.”

There was a silence as she seemed to perk up, as if talk of her love for him energised her.

Then, almost as if it was forced from her she said quietly, “Still do. Never stopped. But I made you a promise–”

“Which you kept,” David agreed seeking to reassure her. “You’ve been so strong, such a rock for me, but look where it’s got you now. It’s been too much for you – made you ill!”

“The children kept me going...”

“And Alex,” added David. “Bless him, he’s supported you all through.”

“He’s been wonderful,” she agreed with a wistful smile, then became earnest. “But Davie, he’s not ... we’re not...”

“I really do know that now! If only we’d talked earlier...”

“Davie, my promise. You had to come to me. You didn’t.”

The reproof was tempered by her affectionate use of his name. He smiled.

“I have now.”

She had been staring at the wall, but now stared at him, surprised, her eyebrows questioning his meaning, wondering if perhaps ... Then her expression clouded.

“What about Siân?” she said, then pensively, “I lost hope...” Then she looked horrified that she’d said too much.

“Oh yes, Siân,” David had been standing the whole time, but now moved forward and perched at the end of her bed. “Look. You’ve been so lonely living with me and it’s been very stressful for you, and Alex has told me you turned to him for comfort and on some rare occasions you slept together. True?”

She coloured. “Yes, but–”

“Well, I’ve been lonely too. Siân is not a blood relation, so it’s not incest, but there’s nothing permanent there between us either. We went to bed together after talking for hours about Gwen. Siân wanted to comfort me. That’s all. Once she’s found a flat of her own, she’ll be leaving.”

“Pardon?”

“She’ll be leaving when she gets a flat.”

“No, what did you say before that?”

David smiled. He thought she would home in on that short statement. He repeated it.

“You said that you loved me but you would do nothing about it, you said I would have to come to you. Well, I’ve come now.”

“I don’t understand. What’s changed?”

“You don’t believe me? It was Siân who woke me up to something I’ve really known ever since you arrived to help me. Alex said that you told him you’ve always felt the same about me.”

“He did?”

“Yes, he said you’ve been consistent all through. He said you knew after a couple of weeks that you’d made a mistake with Gary and have regretted it ever since, but worse, that you blame yourself for Gwen’s death because you went with Gary, otherwise we might have married and Gwen would not have been pregnant with Beth, and therefore would not have died.”

Celia’s face showed her guilt and deep sorrow. David hastened on.

“Celia, my love, you have to stop thinking like that. Your decision to go with Gary was not the only free decision made on that matter.”

He could see her wanting to reject his reasoning, and ploughed on.

“No, darling, listen. Gwen did not have to make the decision to marry me. I did not have to make the decision to marry her. We might not have decided to make love the night when Evan was conceived but watched TV instead, and thus a different child might have been conceived weeks or months later, which in turn would have meant that Beth would not have been conceived. A different second child might not have caused the problem that killed her.”

“But that’s what happened!”

“Yes, all those decisions did contribute, but yours was one among many. Come to that, I hear that you decided you wanted me that night when we first met and Gwen gave way and went with Alex. But Gwen and I got on famously that night and she could have made the decision to refuse your request. Gwen and I might had married years before as a result. You could say that if she’d been a bit more selfish, she’d be alive today.

“But she wasn’t selfish.”

“No but it was her free decision to be generous. She contributed decisions as well. More sombrely, she could have married someone else and suffered the same catastrophe. It might have been on the cards because of a weakness in her own system. In which case it really has nothing to do with you at all.

“What I’m saying is that there were lots and lots of other decisions apart from yours. Don’t be selfish and hog all the blame. Celia, my darling, forgive yourself. You know, if there’s life after death, Gwen will have forgiven any part you might have played in the matter. It never crossed my mind that you would have had anything to do with her early death. Sweetheart, let it go, please?”