Chapter 83: Love

June 2, 1992, Chicago, Illinois

“Seriously?” Jessica laughed at breakfast on Tuesday morning.

“Yep. The same as in Sweden twelve years ago! But given the rules, and the commitment I made to you two and Samantha, there was no way. Not to mention the fact that she’s fourteen.”

“That’s just too funny,” Kara giggled. “‘Old Steve’ would have been in his element!”

“‘New Steve’ is NOT going to be stupid. Even when a fun young girl puts it on offer!”

“Good!” Jessica said. “Did the Board approve the new building?”

“They did. It’s just a matter of signing the actual contract. Alec’s lawyers will draw it up and send it to Jamie. We’ll have a set of drawings from Jackie and Jeremiah by the end of the week.”

“Good morning!” Michelle said when she came into the kitchen.

“Good morning,” I said. “Is everything going OK?”

“It is. Tomorrow is the last day of class. We have two ‘reading days’, and then exams start on Monday.”

“I need to get to the office,” I said. “Remember, if you need anything, call the office or my cellular phone.”

“I will. Thanks.”

I kissed Kara and Jessica, and then Elyse and I headed for the office. I’d be back home in less than two hours to walk Jessica to work. The schedule wasn’t great, but it was better than overnight shifts for sure. For lunch I went to the diner and had a nice chat with Crystal on her last day of work for the quarter. She had been on a few dates with the same guy, and things seemed to be moving forward. She flirted lightly and I enjoyed the banter. I invited her to the July 4th party, but she said she’d be back in Kansas for the summer. When I left, we hugged, exchanged a quick, chaste kiss, and I headed back to the office.

That evening, we celebrated Matthew’s fifth birthday with cake and ice cream. Amber, Peter, Kristin, Nicky, and Eric joined our family plus Nicholas for the birthday celebration.

June 5, 1992, Plainfield and Chicago, Illinois

“We ARE going riding, right?” I asked as Samantha parked the Corvette in the driveway near the stable.

“Yes. I heard what you said last Saturday. I didn’t like it, but I heard it.”

“We need to work this out,” I said. “I don’t want you upset or disappointed. That’s not good. I want to be your friend!”

“I never really HAD this kind of close friend,” she protested. “Not even Jeri or Lisa.”

“You told me you had friends at school.”

“I had people I did stuff with. You know, like I do with you. Well, not like I do with you,” she smirked.

“I thought you talked to Jeri and Lisa,” I said.

“But I never really told them any private stuff. They talked about stuff, but I never did.”

“Then that’s what we’re going to do. Talk about private stuff. Things you don’t tell anyone. You can tell me.”

“Like what?” she asked as we walked into the stable.

“If it’s secret, you’ll have to tell me!”

We got the tack, but this time I had my own sugar cubes and a carrot for Choco. As I worked to get him ready, I thought back to our previous ride and the conversation we’d had. Something hit me, out of the blue. I was twelve years older than Samantha, but she was only eleven years older than Jesse! Maybe the age gap was simply too wide for this to work. Though I didn’t think it was the absolute difference that was at issue, it was maturity.

What I had was a girl who was probably 30 in terms of business sense, 17 in age, and perhaps 13 in maturity. She obviously understood that information was power, and thought she could use her body to get what she wanted from me, whatever it was. I was sure she had SOME kind of plan in mind besides having sex, but I had no clue what it might be.

I mounted Choco and followed Samantha who was on Sunflower. The ride would give me some time to think. If Samantha and I were going to have a real relationship, she was going to have to grow up, and fast. If not, we’d flame out by the end of the summer. As good as the sex was, that was NOT what I was looking for. Well, yes, I wanted that, but I wanted more from Samantha.

But if it was going to be over, then what? Find a new girl? Did I really want to do that? Did I really need that? Was Doctor Mercer right? Was Michelle right? Had I changed enough to make it work? Maybe I had. I’d turned down several opportunities and it hadn’t bothered me nor had it created any issues. Perhaps it was because I was so busy. Perhaps it was because I’d truly come to a place where I didn’t need what had been called an ‘endless string of girls’.

Fortunately, Choco knew the path and was following Sunflower, because my mind certainly wasn’t on the ride. I did shake off the swirling thoughts when we crossed some streams and I needed to pay attention, but as soon as we were on the path again, my mind returned to contemplation of my life and what I wanted and needed. And maybe that was the ultimate question. What did I need, right now, to feel fulfilled?

My wives and kids, certainly. My work. Karate. My friends. My home, though without my wives and kids and friends it was just brick, mortar, and plaster. Did I need more? Did I need Samantha? Did I even WANT Samantha? That was an interesting question. I thought I did, but the Samantha I wanted was not the one I had. The one I had did have some things I liked, but had more that I didn’t. Could I fix them? Did I even want to try to fix them?

Much of that depended on whether or not Samantha wanted to change. If she didn’t, then it was a fool’s errand. We had to have that conversation before we made love again. If we didn’t then I was just using her. And perhaps she was using me. No, she WAS using me; I just didn’t know what for. At this point, having sex with her would be as wrong as it would have been to have sex with Gracie after the Penguins swept the Hawks.

“What’s wrong?” Samantha asked as we reached the meadow.

I rode up next to her and she stopped, so I reined in Choco.

“Just thinking,” I said.

“Are you dumping me?” she asked with a hitch in her voice.

“I think we need to start over,” I said. “From the beginning.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I messed up by not talking to you more and getting to know you before I took you to bed. I blew it. And now we need to fix it. Together. And that means we talk and you let me inside your head, and I let you inside mine. And we figure out how to love each other properly.”

“Love? This isn’t about love!”

“Yes, it is,” I said gently. “Kara told you that I would love you in my own way. If there’s no love, this won’t work.”

“But I don’t love you!” Samantha said.

“Are you SURE about that?” I asked, and kneed Choco to get him to move forward.

I didn’t look back, but a moment later I heard Sunflower nicker as she closed next to me.

“I can’t love you,” Samantha said quietly.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know how,” she sighed.

Her words hit me like a ton of brinks. She didn’t know how to love because nobody had ever loved her! Well, at least not the way she needed to be loved. Then the scales fell completely from my eyes. Abbie had given me the answer. I’d taught her how to be loved. Like her, the girls I’d run into from Jeri’s circle were all missing one thing at home. Love. Their parents took care their physical needs, but not their emotional needs.

That was absolutely true about Jeri, and I wondered if, ultimately, that’s what she had needed from me. As I thought back over what had happened, and how it had unfolded, discounting things she’d said in favor of truly understanding her actions, I was fairly sure I’d finally come to the correct answer. Jeri needed someone to love her and care for her, and once I’d done THAT, she could understand how to love and care for Howard.

I didn’t know much about Gracie, but I’d bet dollars against doughnuts that she was lacking love at home and that’s why she’d made the offer she had. Which explained Suzana. Anders had NOT shown love to his kids, and I’d found Eva to be a cold fish as well. Like my mom, though without the craziness. That lack of love was what had driven me into my sister’s arms and eventually her bed. It hadn’t been protection I’d needed from Stephanie; it had been love.

“Then that’s where we start,” I said. “When we finish this ride, we’re going to my house.”

“You’re not spending the night with me?”

“Samantha, I promise you, if you do this my way, it’ll work. Will you try? Please?”

“I guess so,” she said, as a tear ran down her cheek.

I’d made her cry, but I felt like that was progress. She had bottled up her emotions, hiding them behind the ‘pretentious bitch’ façade. Despite what I’d said to Kara, she WAS Becky. But I wasn’t my fourteen-year-old self, or seventeen, or twenty-five, the ages when I’d messed up with Becky. Kara had nothing to worry about because ‘New Steve’ had things under control and knew, from hard-won experience, how to deal with this.

We finished our ride, and after we’d cared for the horses, Samantha handed me the keys to the Corvette and I drove us back to my house. Jessica and Kara gave me a strange look when we walked in, but I asked them to give me some time with Samantha, and then we’d talk to them. I fixed sandwiches that Samantha and I ate, then took her to the ‘Indian’ room. I knew the exact prescription the doctor had ordered, so I went and got Birgit, and brought her with me to be with Samantha.

“Pumpkin, you remember Samantha?” I asked.

“Yes! She’s pretty! She had dinner with us!”

“Samantha needs someone to love her. Do you think you can do it?”

“Yes!”

She got up from my lap and went to sit in Samantha’s lap. She threw her arms around Samantha’s neck and kissed her cheek. And Samantha broke down in tears.

“I’ll leave you two alone for a bit,” I said.

I kissed both of them on the forehead and asked Jessica and Kara to come to my study.

“I know what her problem is,” I said. “Nobody has ever really loved her and she has no idea how to love or be loved.”

“Like Abbie,” Kara said.

“Yes, but without any way of resolving the issue. Abbie was far more emotionally developed by the time I met her. Samantha is very, very smart, but very, very immature. She has the business and political sense of a thirty-year-old, but the emotional development of a thirteen-year-old.”

“So like me?” Jessica asked.

“But Troy and Angela loved you!” I said.

“No, they didn’t. Not the way I needed to be loved. Why do you think I did all the things I did? The one thing I didn’t do was what Samantha did. Try to substitute sex for love. Well, not until we married. I didn’t understand how to love you even then. Or how to be loved. Kara knew.”

“Not until I met Steve,” Kara said. “Well, that’s not totally true. My mom always loved me, but she couldn’t show it properly because of my dad.”

“Why did you leave Samantha with Birgit?” Jessica asked.

“That’s an easy one, Jess!” Kara said. “Who in this house loves everyone, unconditionally? She’s just like her dad. But Samantha sees Steve as someone to have sex with. So Steve brought in the expert! If anyone can break through the ‘pretentious bitch’ wall, it’s Birgit.”

“Exactly,” I said. “I didn’t see Michelle when I was home earlier, is she OK?”

“Fine, I think. She was in here almost all day, studying, just like yesterday. She went down to her room after dinner.”

“OK. I was thinking that once Birgit works her magic on Samantha, the four of us should take a sauna together.”

“Are you implying what I think you’re implying?” Jessica asked.

“Hell no! No sex with Samantha for some time! Until she figures out how to be loved. THEN I’ll consider sex. And just the two of us.”

“Tiger, invite her to sleep with us tonight.”

“What?!” I gasped.

“No sex, just in the same bed. If Kara is OK with it.”

“But our rule!” I protested.

“Will survive Samantha in a nightgown or sleep shirt in our bed with all of us in our PJs or nightgowns. I think she’ll learn something very important.”

“All we can do is ask,” I said. “I’m not sure what she’ll say.”

“That she wants us to love her. I don’t mean physically. I mean emotionally.”

“Kara?”

“I think Jessica might be on to something. No sex. That would break the rules and I can’t agree to that. But sleeping with us? Yes, that would be OK.”

She and I were on the same page for sure, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Jessica had other ideas. But that was something for another day.

“Let me go see how the girls are doing,” I said.

I kissed both my wives, then went back to the ‘Indian’ room to find Birgit still sitting in Samantha’s lap, but they were talking now, and laughing.

“Your daughter is so funny!” Samantha said. “According to her, you’re some sort of combination of Superman, Jesus Christ, and Don Juan!”

“Daddy is best!” Birgit said, hopping up from Samantha’s lap and hurrying to me.

“I love you, Pumpkin.”

I picked her up and hugged her, then went to sit by Samantha.

“Samantha is nice! I like her!”

“Yes, she is! She’s very nice! Is it OK if I take you back to Abbie?”

“Yes!” Birgit said. “Will Samantha visit more?”

“I’d like that,” Samantha said.

“Good!” Birgit said.

She got off my lap, and hugged Samantha.

“I can go to Abbie!” she said, and I watched as she managed to open the door and leave the ‘Indian’ room.

“Why did you do that?” Samantha asked.

“You tell me,” I said. “Why did I do that?”

“So I could see what love feels like.”

“Yes. Unconditional love. She’s the best at it. Birgit loves everyone. It’s just her nature.”

“She worships you,” Samantha said softly.

“No, she loves me. Everything flows from that. Come join Jessica, Kara, and me in the sauna.”

Ten minutes later, the four of us were sitting in the sauna, with the ‘Privacy Please’ sign on the door. Even though it was slightly uncomfortable, Samantha was sitting on my lap, and Jessica and Kara on either side of us. I had my arms around Samantha and each of my wives was holding one of her hands.

“This is very strange!” Samantha observed.

“Why?” Jessica asked.

“Being this close to naked girls.”

When we’d been in the sauna that first evening she was here, we’d kept some space between each of us. Now, all of our bodies were basically touching.

“Has Steve told you how our marriage works?” Kara asked.

“He’s married to both of you. So?”

“The three of us make love. Together. And Jessica and I sometimes make love to each other without Steve.”