Chapter 68: Abbie, Michelle, and Crystal

March 29, 1992, Chicago, Illinois

“You could have knocked me over with a feather,” I said to my wives as we sat in the sauna just before lunchtime on Sunday.

They had finally come downstairs about 11:15am and asked me to join them in the sauna. I had been sitting in my study typing furiously into my journal trying to sort out everything Abbie had told me.

“If you think about it, it really does make sense,” Kara said. “You taught her how to love and how to be loved.”

“I know, but it still boggles the mind!” I said.

“Do you think he asked her?”

“No, he didn’t; but she’s sure he will if she tells him she loves him. She hasn’t done that yet. And I think it was because she’s scared. She knows exactly where this leads and that’s just so beyond her comprehension at the moment that she’s having a real problem dealing with it.”

“Abbie getting engaged is about the last thing I would ever have imagined happening!” Jessica said.

“He already told her in his own way that he loves her. It’s a small step from there.”

“She told you?” Kara asked.

“Yes. When he told her he was falling for her, that scared her because she realized she had the same feelings.”

“And she didn’t tell you this because she knew it would put her off limits.”

“Yes. She wanted a last fling, as it were. A last over-the-top wild fling. She’s, rightly, judged Jason as someone who can’t even contemplate that kind of thing. And from everything Stephie told me about him, Abbie’s right. I think he was reluctant to even sleep with Abbie because of how he feels about relationships.”

“And the logistics?” Jessica asked.

“Abbie is about as likely to follow Jason around the NASCAR circuit as you are! I suppose it’s something they would have to work out.”

“And being our nanny?”

“She didn’t say this, but I bet you just about anything, love trumps being our nanny. It has to. I know it’s out of character for the ‘old’ Abbie, but not the ‘new’ one.”

“So her request? It comes down to the same thing as Cindi’s?”

“She and Jason aren’t a couple, and they haven’t made any agreements or anything like that. He knows I still spend one night a week with her. So in that sense, it wouldn’t be a violation. That said, it just doesn’t feel right because her heart is already made up. She’s just not admitting it.”

“And you told her that?” Jessica asked.

“Yes. She was a bit upset because I forced her to tell me what was going on. Once the words were spoken, she knew what I would think.”

“How is she?”

“Fine. She knew it was unlikely to happen, and she also half-expected me to insist on knowing why.”

“Were you tempted?” Kara asked.

“Believe it or not, no,” I said. “None of those girls really interest me at this point. You know where my mind is these days. I’m struggling with the tough questions that Michelle is asking, and I have Jennifer and Bethany on my mind as well.”

“And Siobhán?”

“A dalliance that presented itself. But there’s more substance there. Those other girls Abbie named were just screwing around. I’ve developed a nice friendship with Siobhán.”

“Why not keep it at that level?” Jessica asked. “I’m not criticizing, just asking.”

“I think we’ve already passed the inflection point. But it didn’t have the same character as the situations with Michelle and Gina.”

“So if you don’t put sex off limits right from the start, it’s possible?”

“Given my history, and my view of sex, that would seem to follow. You know I’m always open to the possibility, within the rules. Are you asking to revise the rules? It’s certainly something we could discuss.”

“I’d prefer not to rock the boat right now,” Jessica said. “You’re learning with Michelle and Gina, and I think you’ll decide on a new set of rules for yourself over time.”

“You see the same profound effect Michelle is having on me?” I grinned.

“I do. Nobody has challenged you that way since we’ve been married.”

“Only Anala ever has,” Kara said. “And that was a different set of challenges. I suppose Karin did as well, but it’s been Anala and Michelle that have had the most profound effect.”

“And both women of intense faith,” I said. “Michelle commented that she felt I had more faith than I was admitting.”

“I think we all have a long spiritual road to walk, and none of us have any idea where it’s going to lead,” Kara said.

“So the final answer to Abbie is ‘no’?” Jessica asked.

“I think it has to be, don’t you?” I replied.

“Yes, I do.”

“Shall we shower?” I asked.

“Yes, and I want what I missed out on the other day!” Jessica smirked.

We went upstairs and she got exactly what she’d asked for - a slow, comfortable screw up against the shower wall. Afterwards, we had lunch, and Michelle arrived for our Sunday afternoon talk.

“I was in the sauna earlier,” I said. “We can go there, or sit in the ‘Indian’ room, your choice.”

“Don’t want to be hot and sweaty with me?” Michelle smirked.

“Only if we’re not wearing bathing suits,” I teased back.

“I think the ‘Indian’ room will be just fine,” she declared.

“I like how you can be a bit silly,” I said.

“Let’s just keep ourselves on the correct side of the line, shall we? Silly is OK, so long as it’s innocent.”

“I promise. Let me get the tea and we’ll talk.”

I got the teapot and two mugs and we went to the ‘Indian’ room. I poured the tea and we sipped it quietly for a bit.

“I thought about your question about Free Will and God’s omniscience,” Michelle said. “And I can’t work out an answer. I thought about looking up the Roman Catholic answer, or talking to my priest, but I felt that was cheating. What’s your answer? The one you said might not be satisfactory?”

“That God, if he fits the usual Christian definitions, in addition to his other qualties, is also outside of time, and thus he sees all of history simultaneously, even those things which haven’t happened at our point on the timeline. But God is outside of time, so there isn’t a causal dependency between him seeing the entire tapestry laid out and the events depicted on the tapestry.”

“That is an interesting way to look at it.”

“I think the problem is that it just pushes things back a level, so to speak. And creates other problems, such as God causing the end result by setting the initial parameters. Kind of like writing a program and having it execute. Barring any bugs, it’ll run to completion exactly the same way every time. All the ‘omni’ words used about God create a serious problem because if God is all-powerful, all-knowing, always present, eternal, and perfectly good, there are so many OTHER problems with both Free Will and the universe that it’s hard to reconcile. But if He isn’t all those things, then He isn’t God.”

“So what? Then there is no Free Will? Then there’s no responsibility for anything we do. It was just pre-programmed?”

“In a sense, the Calvinist argument that God knew, before he created the world, who would be saved and who wouldn’t, and there is nothing we can do to change it.”

“Then why not just sin? If it can’t affect the outcome, it doesn’t matter!”

“But you see, the elect won’t do that because they’re elect. Only the reprobate would do that!”

“So then what? Determinism? We have no choice?”

“The Protestants call it ‘predestination’, which is the word Paul used. I don’t buy that at all. If there is no Free Will with regard to salvation, and people end up in hell, then God is a monster not deserving of worship.”

“I would agree. Which means we CAN affect our salvation.”

“Assuming that God exists and not everyone is saved.”

“But if everyone is saved, then does it matter what we do?”

I smiled, “You’re getting a sense of my problem. Or take Elizabeth’s point - that everything we do is simply the result of biochemical processes in our bodies, programmed by our DNA. Love is just one more chemical reaction in the body with no real meaning.”

“Jorge and I both objected seriously to that!”

“I know; Kara’s mom told me. I’m in the middle. Elizabeth is right from a purely scientific standpoint. But I think there’s more to it. There is a spiritual component of some kind. No, that’s not quite right; I don’t think, I know.”

“Faith?”

“Experience. Let me tell you a story.”

I told her about my visions, and then Bethany’s vision, and the fact that I had never talked to Bethany about it nor written it in my journal. And that I had no explanation for our shared experience.

“And that makes you think God might exist?”

“It makes me think there is something beyond just our physical bodies. Call it a soul, or shared consciousness, or ESP, or telepathy, or whatever you like. There is SOMETHING greater than us; I just don’t know what it is.”

“I do!” Michelle said with a smile.

“I know you do!” I said. “But back to Free Will. Are you completely free?”

“I can make any choices I wish,” Michelle declared.

“You think so? If there are only chocolate and vanilla, could you choose strawberry?”

“Obviously not.”

“So then your Free Will is constrained by the available choices. And your choices are influenced by every experience you’ve had in the past. And by the value you put on the available options.”

“I could choose vanilla just to be contrary, even though I like chocolate better.”

“Only if you valued being contrary more than you valued chocolate! Those values were set before the choice was presented, and depend on everything that’s happened in your life!”

“Then what? Act randomly? Roll a die and let it make the choice for me?”

I chuckled, “Only if I get to set the question and the options!”

“Then I would choose not to play!”

“A valid choice. But sometimes you’re presented with only poor choices.”

“Which is why you say ‘do as little harm as possible’.”

“Yes.”

“So, then what?” she asked.

“We live our life as if we were free to choose within the available options. There really isn’t any other way except to use a die or a coin or whatever to make random decisions. Even not making a choice is making a choice!”

“But do the decisions ultimately matter if there is no God?”

“A good question, and one for which I do not have an answer. I suppose it depends on what level you’re talking about. In the here and now, every decision has an effect. Will it matter ten, one hundred, one thousand, or ten thousand years from now? Maybe. Maybe not. But ultimately, the universe ends, either by heat death or collapsing into a singularity and then, because there is no information transfer in either of those states, nothing matters.”

“Unless God exists. So how do you cope with the meaninglessness?”

“I find meaning in my life - my wives, my children, my friends, my work. And I mean something to all of them. The future will have to worry about itself.”

“Then death is the end? There is nothing more?”

“I don’t know. I hope you’re right and there is a happy eschaton where we live in peace and harmony for eternity. But I wouldn’t bet on it.”

“That just seems hopeless.”

“Perhaps so. That’s why I focus on the here and now and say that the future will take care of itself. I don’t worry too much about things I’m unable to control. I’ve done that in the past and the results haven’t been pretty.”

“And now?”

“I do what I’m able each day. The Bible even says that. I bet you know the verse?”

Michelle nodded, “‘Don’t worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of its own’.”

“Good advice, don’t you think?”

“I suppose it is.”

We drank tea, and talked about more mundane things - her classes, the weather, her hometown and mine, and our experiences growing up. When our time was up, we hugged and she headed back to her dorm.

I went to watch the last half of the Darlington race, and to my amazement, Bill Elliott won his fourth race in a row! Harry Gant had done his best to try to catch Bill, but couldn’t do it, finishing second. Mark Martin finished third, the only other car on the lead lap. Kulwicki had engine trouble on lap 358 and ended up finishing 18th.

Bill was still second in points to Davey Allison who finished fourth. That Daytona wreck loomed large, given that Bill’s four consecutive wins didn’t give him the points lead, and reaffirmed my belief that the point system needed to be re-worked to emphasize winning over consistency.

When the race finished, I showered, dressed in my tuxedo, and then drove over to the UofC dorms to pick up Crystal who was wearing a gorgeous light-blue dress.

“Good evening, James,” she laughed.

I didn’t want to cause any trouble, so I figured the safe answer was to call her the original name that Alex had suggested.

“Good evening, Vesper!” I said.

I held the door for her to get into my BMW, then went around to the driver’s side and got in. I pulled away from the curb and headed for Bucktown.

“I rented and watched the first eight Bond movies on VHS,” she said. “My favorite girl would be Tatiana Romanova, but I think you dated a girl with that name, so that would be a bad choice.”

“Yes, my Russian friend, Tatyana.”

“Honey Rider wore a bikini, which really wouldn’t work for tonight!”

“No, it wouldn’t. It’s a bit cold for that!”

It was warmer than it had been, but only 37°F. A bikini would be decidedly uncomfortable.

“The important girl in Goldfinger died, so forget that! Same with Tracey in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.”

“I agree those aren’t optimal!” I chuckled.

“The girls in Diamonds are Forever were too slutty. And there was NO WAY I was taking one of the Japanese girls from You Only Live Twice.”

“Given how much of a jerk I was about that, I agree. You’ve run out of movies.”

“Jane Seymour in Live and Let Die. Solitaire.”

“And thus the blue dress!” I chuckled. “You could also have worn a Colonial Warrior’s uniform!”

“Huh?”

“She played ‘Serina’ on Battlestar Galactica.”

“Never saw it.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to be into Sci-Fi at age six! Solitaire it is.”

“Now, if only I had a deck of Tarot cards,” she laughed.

“So I could rig it the way Bond did in the movie?”

“That was pretty sleazy of him.”

“Bond isn’t exactly known for treating his women well,” I chuckled.

“Tell me about it!”

“I did apologize. I also promised to be nice tonight.”

“You did,” she said, sounding reasonably happy.

“You know, I never asked you how school is going?”

“Third quarter of my Freshman year. Core courses and it’s more difficult than High School, but I’m hanging in there with mostly B’s and a few A’s. I don’t have the best study habits because High School was super easy for me.”