Chapter 61: Michelle’s Diagnosis

February 27, 1992, Chicago, Illinois

“So that teasing yesterday?” I asked as I posed.

“Was it teasing?” Siobhán smirked. “But be quiet!”

I chuckled and nodded. The session was similar to the last one, and when I finished, I got dressed.

“So?” I chuckled.

“It’s up to you. You’ll have to agree to my request to find out what happens!”

“Why do I feel like I’m being set up?” I grinned.

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Because I think I AM being set up!” I laughed.

“We’ll finish the karate painting and then you can decide!”

That evening, my wives and Elyse took Jesse, Matthew, and Nicholas to see the Hawks play the Red Wings. Our usual group was there as well - Dave, Julia, Terry, and Penny. Bethany had declined our invitation, wanting to get to bed early. The Hawks won 4-2, and I wondered if my thought earlier in the season might come to pass - a Hawks versus Penguins playoff series.

March 1, 1992, Chicago, Illinois

“I missed THAT?” Marie Annette complained when we were chatting before the Rap Session. She’d had a project that required her to work with a group on Sunday afternoons, and had missed the January and February gatherings.

“You snooze, you lose!” I chuckled.

“You WANT to be naked in front of these people?” Carissa asked.

“No, I want to see some of the guys naked! It’s no big deal to be naked. You’ve got a nice bod. What’s the big deal?”

“Dial it back, Puppet!” Jorge said, but he was laughing.

“Which guys?” Elizabeth asked.

“Ben and Steve!” she giggled.

“I think you, Carissa, and Joan are probably the only women in the city of Chicago to not have seen Steve naked!” Elizabeth said. “He’s the most immodest guy I’ve ever met!”

“That’s not quite true,” Bethany said. “He’s not ashamed, but he’s no exhibitionist. That’s his wife!”

Kara giggled, causing several of us to shake our heads.

“Shall we get started?” I asked.

The squeals from the girls started as Jorge stood up and started unbuttoning his shirt. Trish grabbed him by the belt and pulled him back down as Elizabeth and Michelle threw cushions at him.

“No?” he said, looking at me.

“NO!” most everyone shouted.

“Not yet, anyway!” Kara giggled. “I’ll let you know when!”

Everyone settled down and I nodded to Michelle.

“Last time, Steve mentioned a difference between intimacy and sex, and I wanted to explore that.”

“I thought that was a weird thing to say,” Joan said.

“Honestly, so did I,” Mike said.

“Michelle, why don’t you tell them what you discovered?” I prompted.

“No offense,” Elizabeth said, “I’m not sure a virgin is the best choice to discuss the difference.”

“Actually,” I countered, “I think it’s perfect. She’ll be less confused. Go on, Michelle.”

“Intimacy is baring your inner self to someone, and developing a true relationship with them. I think it should be a prerequisite to sex. After all, if you’re going to get THAT close to someone, shouldn’t you already be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually close?”

I nodded, “While I have a VERY different view on sex, I agree about being able to be close to someone. One of the things I’m working on in my life is having that kind of relationship WITHOUT having sex.”

“That’ll be the day,” Penny muttered.

“Penelope!” Terry reprimanded.

“Penny,” I said gently, “remember what we said. Attendance here is dependent on not behaving that way.”

“She’s pregnant,” Abbie laughed. “Cut her some slack!”

“If you give Penny an inch, she’ll take a light-year!” I teased. “But Penny does have a point, besides the one on the top of her head! In the past, I always equated intimacy and sex. That interfered with me developing proper close male friendships and led to me to believe that I could only establish true friendship with a woman by having sex with her.”

“Wanna be friends?” Elizabeth asked with a silly grin.

“I thought you didn’t do married guys!” I chuckled.

“I don’t!” she laughed.

“I’m curious,” Carissa said. “Do you have close female friends you’ve never had sex with?”

“Two. And both of those friendships were made recently.”

“Am I the only one in the room who hasn’t slept with you besides Elizabeth? Well, and Michelle.”

“I sure as hell haven’t slept with him!” Mike laughed.

“Or me!” Ben quickly added.

“Or me!” Jorge laughed. “But I think he’s just trying to overcome his shyness!”

I threw a cushion at him!

Lots of laughter ensued.

“You know what I meant!” Carissa protested.

“Upset you haven’t been invited?” Elizabeth teased.

“No!” Carissa said firmly.

“Look,” Jorge said, seriously, “it’s not a question that should be asked OR answered. That was the point we guys were trying to make by being goofy. I think that we should get back to the question of intimacy. It’s the key to a proper close relationship. And that means you have to open yourself to others, and most people find that risky. You have a serious chance of being hurt very badly. But, that risk is the only thing that can make the relationship truly intimate.”

“Risk?” Kajri asked. “Like what?”

“Telling someone else your innermost secrets,” Bethany said. “Things you’re afraid to even tell yourself. Making yourself vulnerable and trusting that the other person isn’t going to exploit that weakness. And them doing the same with you. It has to be a two-way street.”

“I don’t know if I could ever trust anyone that way,” Elizabeth said. “I’ve been burned way too many times.”

“Me too,” Jorge said. “But that doesn’t stop me from WANTING a relationship like that.”

“I’ve certainly messed up enough intimate relationships for several lifetimes,” I said. “Fortunately, as I’ve grown older, those mistakes have been fewer and further between.”

“That’s what forgiveness is for,” Michelle said.

“But there are limits to that,” Bethany said. “At some point, you can no longer trust the person as an intimate friend.”

“Doesn’t sex interfere with that?” Joan asked.

“If you substitute sex for true intimacy, absolutely,” Kara said. “Or if it becomes the focus of the relationship.”

“A wise old man taught me,” Jorge said with a smile, “that intimacy, true intimacy, before sex can make the sex glorious and out of this world. Sure, you can have earth-shattering sex without true intimacy, but with intimacy, sex is the icing on a delicious cake. And I’ve seen that even getting close to that kind of intimacy with someone makes sex irrelevant to the relationship. That’s why you CAN have a best friend of the same or opposite sex, no holds barred. The danger there, of course, is that the expectation of one is not matched by the other, and that’s where so many friendships or relationships drift apart.”

“But if you tell someone your secrets and your weaknesses and your fears, they’ll just use that information to manipulate you,” Elizabeth said.

“That’s pretty cynical,” Ben objected.

“And yet, it’s true,” she said. “I bet we all know people like that. I bet even Steve has done that; in fact, I’m sure he has.”

“I have,” I said. “And I’ve also done my best to make things right with the people I’ve hurt. I’m nowhere near perfect!”

A bunch of the girls laughed and I saw Terry elbow Penny to ‘encourage’ her to not say whatever smart ass comment she was about to make. She could still be a little girl at times, despite being a wife, mom, and professional programmer.

“What kinds of things would you talk about?” Laurie asked.

“Everything,” I said. “That’s the whole point. Do you have someone you tell everything to? Discuss everything with? And are totally honest with?”

“Yes, well, no.”

Everyone laughed.

“I think I know what she’s saying,” Claire said. “I don’t tell EVERYTHING even to my best friend.”

“It’s worse,” Jorge said. “We lie to ourselves. Some of you were here for our talk about lying, and if you remember, we discussed that. If you’re intimate with someone in the way we’re talking about, they can help you tell yourself the truth.”

“Like about what?” Becka asked.

I held up my hand so that Jorge would let me take that one.

“That we’re holier, and purer, and sin less than some other person we barely know.”

“Oh,” she said, her face falling. “Yeah.”

“And what happened?” I asked.

She smiled, “I found some friends who spoke the truth to me and helped me understand how I was lying to myself.”

“Which is what these sessions are about,” Jorge said. “Learning about ourselves, learning about others, and learning how to speak the truth in love.”

We had a wide-ranging discussion for the rest of our time together. When we finished, I asked Jorge into my study to chat for a few minutes.

“Are you doing OK?” I asked.

“You noticed, I guess.”

“Yes. So did Jennifer. Not to mention your comment about being hurt. I guess it was more than my sister and your mom.”

“It was. But J&J finally got through to me and I finally decided to do something about it and get some help.”

“Good,” I said, nodding.

“Your sister and Ed are still staying away?”

“Except for Sunday dinner, yes. I think you can guess what the problem is.”

He nodded grimly, “In hindsight, I’m not sure I would have been the best partner for her. I suspected something early on, and honestly, I was OK with that. In a way, I’ve always felt I’ve been a number two, or a fallback choice, in any relationship. Looking back, I would have been an enabler, not a helper, and that probably would have messed her up even more! Perhaps her own reaction to me, pushing me away, was her telling herself that. If my frequenting here is stopping you two from moving forward, perhaps it’ll be best for me to stop coming?”

“No. I want you here. Believe me, it’s not you. You hit on the problem some time ago.”

He nodded grimly, “I’m not sure that can ever be truly repaired.”

“Me either,” I said, my voice showing my sadness, “But we have to try. We’re both getting counseling.”

A small smile spread across his face, “Thanks for sharing an intimate moment.”

“You’re welcome, Lucy!” I grinned, reaching into my pocket for a nickel.

He took it from me, dropped it in his own pocket and we left the study.

“Steve?” Marie giggled softly, “I’ll be your friend!”

I saw Michelle roll her eyes and Kara smirked. Fortunately, only they, Trish, and Jorge were close enough to hear her.

“Right here? In front of everyone?” I teased.

Jorge leaned and in a deep voice, just above a whisper, said slowly into her ear, “Yes, Puppet, show him just how GOOD, and INTIMATE, a FRIEND you can be. Right here, right now!”

Marie blushed and took a step back.

“Jorge...” I said.

He smirked shaking his head, “She needs a little refresher on inflection points.”

“I’ll see you in two weeks!” I said with a smile.

Marie smiled, Trish rolled her eyes, and then they left, leaving only Michelle and my housemates.

“Shall we go to the sauna?” I asked Michelle.

“Is this open to anyone?” Kara asked.

“It’s up to Michelle, but you’ll have to wear a bathing suit or towel. Weekend rules are in force.”

“I did want to talk to Steve privately, if you don’t mind,” Michelle said. “I’ll leave after the sauna.”

“Take the time you need,” Jessica said.

Michelle thanked them and picked up her bag. I excused myself and went upstairs to grab a bathing suit, and then the two of us went to the basement. I turned on the sauna and then directed Michelle to one of the guest rooms to change. I went into the other one and was back out a minute before Michelle came out in a conservative, black, one-piece suit that perfectly accented her figure. I realized that everything being covered was actually sexier than if she’d been naked, or wearing an ‘almost-there’ bikini.

“Impure thoughts?” she asked with a sly smile.

“Briefly,” I admitted.

We went into the sauna and sat quietly while we waited for the rocks to heat up. When they were hot, I poured water over them and steam hissed and filled the room.

“I’m sorry about that,” I said.

“About what? Admiring God’s creation? Did your impure thoughts go beyond THAT?”

“No, they didn’t.”

“Then there is no problem! You’re very nice looking as well. Attractive, even. But we’re human beings, created in the image of God, not animals who are unable to control their base urges.”

I chuckled, “I know a few girls who might disagree with you on that!”

“I didn’t say that everyone successfully controlled them, just that we’re able to do so. Remember, pure not ignorant! And also, human.”

“Baring your innermost self now?” I asked.

“Yes. You think I don’t have those kinds of desires? I do. But I control them. They don’t control me.”

“Implying that mine control me?” I said.

“Honesty, right?” she asked. When I nodded, she continued, “For the most part, they do. You see a girl and you evaluate her as a sex partner, even if you don’t intend that to happen. It’s probably the FIRST thought you have. Perhaps you dismiss it, perhaps not. And you send out signals that you are available to pretty much anyone who is interested, even if those signals are very subtle. Those signals go out even to girls you wouldn’t consider being with, I suspect.”

“Like you?” I asked.

Michelle smiled, “Oh, you’d consider it with me; but with me, you work VERY hard not do that. It’s a supreme effort because it goes against your true nature. Let me ask you about your interactions with girls this week. Not ones you’re already ‘friends’ with.”

I chuckled, “Go on.”

“Think back to your interactions with them. Not ones who are off limits, mind you. But ones who COULD be sex partners but aren’t. I’m willing to bet you not only sent off those vibes, but were totally aware you were doing it.”

She was completely right about that. Crystal and Siobhán were perfect examples. And so was Michelle herself, but as she’d rightly observed, I was doing my best NOT to do that with her. Or with Gina, though Gina and I were both comfortable with a bit of innocent teasing.

“I think you’re right,” I said.

“And besides me, and your new doctor friend, is there ANY female who fit your basic criteria with whom you HAVEN’T acted that way?”

“Probably not,” I said, then corrected myself. “No, definitely not.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s who I am. I don’t mean that as an excuse, just an explanation. I suppose, early on, it was something I needed, but later on, it became a pattern in my life.”

“And you’re working to break it. Why?”

“Because despite the fact that I very much enjoy sex, I think I missed out on true intimacy with people who I should have had it with - male and female. And I want to fix that.”

“But you’re not going to stop being promiscuous, are you?”

“Probably not anytime soon. I don’t place the same value on sex that you do. Not even close.”

“And that makes it OK for you to bed every woman who comes along and shows some interest?”

“By whose standards?” I asked. “Yours? Certainly not. Mine? Certainly. Society’s? Mostly not. Some random god? The Norse gods, the Greek gods, the Roman gods, and a host of other gods don’t care too much about human sexual interaction. Well, actually, sometimes they like to participate!”