Chapter 35: The Root of the Problem

December 16, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“I have some analysis for you, if you’d like to hear it,” Doctor Mercer said.

“I’m all ears.”

“I think we can trace all of this, in fact, practically all of your interior life, back to your mother and your sister. In what I would call a distortion of the traditional archetypes, your mother is equated to bad, cold, and anti-sex, while your sister is equated to loving, understanding, and sexy. This means, I think, that for you, at least subconsciously, any ‘good’ woman is automatically someone with whom you can, and feel you should, have sex. To put it another way, rather than ‘spoiling’ you for sexual relations with other women, your incest has spoilt you for non-sexual relationships. In effect, your incest programmed you to feel the need for sex with any women you were close to. I think that explains what you once told me about your friend’s mom.”

“But I didn’t do it,” I protested.

“But only because you had laid down for yourself a clear, unbreakable rule. And from what I can tell, you’ve held that rule inviolate since you fully developed it. I believe you told me you turned down someone you very much wanted to be with, and agreed to be with, because the rule evolved to what it is now. It is, if you will, your ‘Prime Directive’.”

I could only WISH the Prime Directive had actually mattered! If Picard had obeyed it, Wesley Crusher wouldn’t have survived past episode 7 of season 1! And that would have been a VERY good thing!

I laughed, “You aren’t much of a Star Trek fan, are you?”

“No. Did I use that wrongly?”

“Oh no, Doc! Not at all! At least not if you meant a cardinal rule that was folded, spindled, and mutilated at every turn when it was convenient to do so!”

“Oops,” she laughed. “OK. Your ‘Prime Directive’ that is actually followed and enforced.”

“Better. It’s kept me out of a hell of a lot of trouble over the years.”

“Yes, but beyond that, your need for sex to confirm companionship with women is the driving force in your life, and I think it all stems from the complete lack of love shown by your mother, and the total and complete love shown by your sister, which culminated in a sexual relationship BECAUSE of your terrible relationship with your mother.”

“I don’t disagree, except to say that whatever my mom did, as bad as she was, I acted on my own volition. I’m responsible for what I did, no matter what my mom did. Period.”

“More proof that you don’t need me as much as you think you do. If you were mentally ill as a result of your mother’s treatment, I COULD place the blame squarely on her. But you aren’t mentally ill. You’re one of the sanest people I know.”

“I know quite a few people who would disagree with you!”

“Yes, because they’re seeing what you do, not hearing how you think. I have a question for you. Other than the woman you ended up turning down, do you have ANY female friends with whom you haven’t had sex?”

I chuckled, “Funny you should mention that. One of my former lovers asked me that exact same question last week.”

Not to mention Anala on my twenty-first birthday.

“In what context?”

“I’m doing my best to develop a friendship with a girl which DOESN’T involve sex. It ain’t easy!”

“I can imagine it wouldn’t be. You demonstrate your care for a woman by having sex with her. But for you, it’s not, as far as I can tell, a conquest. It’s a way of bonding, of feeling close, of sharing. If you weren’t so far off the scale heterosexual, you’d likely bond with at least some of your male friends that way as well. In fact, I think that’s what kept you from having close male friends when you were younger. You COULDN’T bond with them the way you did your female friends because gay sex was a complete non-starter for you.”

“I’m not sure I’d use the term ‘gay’, Doctor. I don’t think what Jessica and Kara do is lesbian in any way. It’s close bonding. I guess I don’t categorize things that way.”

“Neither do most psychologists these days, but after you raised the Kinsey scale, I figured that was your context. I should have known better given your friendship with several gay and lesbian couples and individuals. Tell me about this new friend.”

I explained how I’d met Crystal, including all of Penny’s teasing, which caused Doctor Mercer to laugh several times. I told her about the grave mistake I’d made, and about how I’d made it up to her.

“Well, so far, so good, but I do have a real concern.”

“What’s that?”

“The whole James Bond thing tells me you DO want to sleep with her. But you could do it in a ‘persona’ if you will. You told her, in no uncertain terms, you wanted her, even though you formally denied it. You were Bond. She was the ‘Bond Girl’. I think your friend acknowledged that by calling her ‘Vesper’. Isn’t she from one of the books?”

“Casino Royale,” I said. “But it was just a bit of fun. I have no intention of taking the relationship in that direction.”

“Perhaps not, but you implied that you did, even if it was subconscious.”

I sighed, “She did make that point. I denied it. I thought she believed my denial because it was real.”

“Was it? Or was that your conscious mind saying what you WANTED to be true, as opposed to allowing your subconscious thoughts to enter your conscious mind?”

“So you’re saying, in effect, that by flirting, even innocently, and by taking on the Bond persona, I set the stage for her to think I wanted to be with her, and there’s no going back.”

“It’s hard to reset from that, don’t you think? I suspect you’ve been less than successful when you’ve tried it in the past.”

“I’d say you were correct in that assessment. What are you trying to tell me?”

“The direct, unvarnished truth, as always. You’ve already set yourself up for failure. You’ve established, perhaps inadvertently, a pre-sexual relationship. Maybe you’ll be able to keep it where it is, but the tension will make it difficult, if not impossible to keep it to a friendship. Either you’ll end up as lovers or you’ll stop seeing each other.”

“I messed up worse than I thought.”

“This was your first real attempt at such a thing in a long time, if not forever?”

“Yes.”

“So learn from it, Steve. You won’t be fully emotionally healthy until you can establish a PROPER relationship with a woman that doesn’t involve sex. Make this your New Year’s resolution, if you want. But meet a girl and keep the relationship completely platonic, with NO flirting and no innuendo.”

“And if she flirts? Or makes those kinds of comments?”

“Then gently shut her down. Tell her you’re married. If she keeps it up, then you’ll need to find someone else.”

“Based on my history, that’s going to be difficult,” I said.

“I could give you a more difficult, and in my opinion, more appropriate assignment.”

“Which is?”

“Commit yourself to only being with Jessica. Forever.”

“I can’t do that to Kara. I simply can’t.”

“I know that. I’m just telling you that so long as sex with ANY other woman is possible, sex with EVERY other woman is possible. THAT is what sleeping with your sister did to you. It rewired you.”

“But I was like this before that happened?”

“Before she was eleven? And you mentally consummated the relationship?”

“Jesus,” I whispered.

“He WAS Jewish, you know.”

I laughed, “I know. And thanks for making me laugh there. But that was it?”

“I think, based on everything both of you said, that you KNEW long before your friends told you. You just suppressed it. I’d say, in fact, based on what your sister told me, you knew not long after you were with Birgit. But I think it was even earlier. BEFORE you decided to see if you could have sex with every eligible teenage girl in the tri-state area, plus a few foreign countries!”

I chuckled, “And what makes you say that?”

“What did you say, every single time your sister stuck her tongue out at you? You were thirteen, she was nine, at a minimum.”

“Oh for the love of God,” I groaned.

“Was it before that?” she asked.

“Yes. Probably from about when she was seven. Oh God help me!”

“Steve, I know you accept responsibility for your actions, but you can’t, or couldn’t, escape the negative influences of your mother. Your sister looked out for you from that point forward, didn’t she?”

“Yes.”

“And you bonded with her, tightly, from that point on. You knew, at least subconsciously what she wanted.”

“I did.”

“OK. Now, we start working on helping you form proper relationships with women. All your women.”

“What if I LIKE what I’m doing? What if I like who I am, even if I don’t like who I was?”

“Color me not surprised that you enjoy your testosterone-fueled male fantasy life!”

“All of those experiences formed who I am, Doctor Mercer. I’m not sure why I would want to change.”

“You told me you wanted to change. To be able to make friends with a woman. A proper friendship. That’s going to take rebuilding you from the ground up. You know what’s needed. You told me that you understand the difference between intimacy and sex. Let’s put that into practice. I am NOT asking you to make the wholesale change you implied.”

“Or the one you suggested?” I asked.

“That was hyperbole. I was making a point. I don’t know that you could ever get to that point, or, given your relationship with your two women, that you should. Let’s take it one step at a time. Make a female friend who is just a friend, and nothing more. We’ll take it from there.”

“I’ll do my best,” I said.

“We’ll talk after the first of the year. Shall we resume on January 6th?”

“That sounds good. Thank you, Doctor Mercer.”

“Don’t go overboard with changes, Steve. Small steps. One foot in front of the other. That’s the path to success.”

“Got it,” I said. “Thanks. Happy Chanukah!”

“Merry Christmas!”

We said ‘goodbye’ and I hung up. I sat staring at the phone for several minutes, contemplating just how much damage my mom had done to my life and how far I needed to go to fix it. I knew that Doctor Mercer’s hyperbolic request was beyond the pale. I was married to Jessica AND Kara, and they to each other, no matter what the State said; no matter what society said. That was not going to change.

On the other hand, I did want to be able to do what Doctor Mercer had asked me to do. I’d detected that problem myself, at least in a broad sense, and had tried, unsuccessfully it seemed, to navigate to only a friendship with Crystal. I had no idea what was going to happen there, but I was sure Doctor Mercer was right. I’d run aground and I wouldn’t be able to re-float that ship. The tension would always be there.

I wondered, though, if that tension would be avoidable. In any male-female relationship, there seemed to me to be the real possibility that it would end with sex. And that was likely part of my problem. I wasn’t sure I believed that men and women could be ‘just friends’. In fact, I had my rule in place to ensure that boundaries weren’t crossed. To say that, for example, Kathy and I were ‘just friends’ was a lie big enough for Joseph Goebbels to tell!

I was still contemplating the conversation when there was a soft knock on my study door. It was Elyse.

“Steve? Are you going to work?”

I got up and opened the door and went out.

“Yes. I was just reviewing my counseling session with Doctor Mercer and lost track of time.”

“How is that going?”

I chuckled, “It’s complicated.”

We said goodbye to the kids, grabbed our things, and headed for the office.

“Complicated. Like every other thing in your life?” Elyse said, resuming the conversation.

“Yes. She gave me some advice, and I may need some help implementing it.”

“What’s that?”

“To find a girl and make friends with her, but without any hint of the possibility of a sexual relationship. I more or less blew it with Crystal in that regard. The tension can’t be removed, if you know what I mean.”

“Sure. Once you start flirting, it’s hard to put the djinni back in the bottle.”

I chuckled, “I see you’ve picked up Leila’s word as well! And yes, exactly. So how do I meet a girl without flirting or anything like that? Without it seeming like I’m trying to pick her up?”

“That is a conundrum. Most college-age girls are going to automatically assume you’re hitting on them, even if you aren’t. Crystal is a perfect example. And most of my friends would say exactly the same thing, not to mention they know at least a bit about you.”

“Bragging?” I chuckled.

“We have two kids together, you idiot! It’s not like I’m the Virgin Mary! And they know you’re married to Jessica at least, and some know about Kara.”

“This is another one of those times Doctor Barton would wonder how I manage to get out of bed in the morning!”

“He has a point, Steve. The stuff you know, you know better than just about anyone on the planet, but when it comes to the things you don’t know, you can be a real idiot.”

“I don’t see much of your friends,” I said.

“Why would you? You spend time with your wives and kids. I’m not around the house 100% of the time.”

“True. So how can I solve this problem?”

“That’s a good question. I’d say a co-worker, but since you own the company, that’s almost impossible. If you worked someplace, you might be able to do it. What about one of the girls who is totally off-limits?”

“I’ve slept with all of them,” I said. “Except Sam Saunders, and she and I flirt.”

“And you don’t really want to try that with Karl’s wife. It would be uncomfortable.”

“It sure would! Just think about it. And if you run across someone who is looking for a male friend who won’t hit on her or try to seduce her, consider sending her my way.”

“You’re really serious about this.”

“Yes. Very. Doctor Mercer thinks it’s important.”

“She’s probably right.”

About an hour after we arrived at the office, Kimmy came to tell me that the conference call with my dad and Joyce was set. I called Elyse in, and Kimmy sat down to take notes.

“I have Elyse and Kimmy here. Go ahead, Jamie.”

“Joyce, Ray, you’re on this call because it came to our attention that BLS is in serious financial trouble and that appears to be the true source of the lawsuit. They were hoping for a quick settlement to get an infusion of cash.”

“Then why hire Jefferson?” Elyse asked.

“It seems to have been part of their recovery strategy - get an infusion of cash from a settlement and he helps them catch up.”