Chapter 34: Bond. James Bond.

December 13, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

When I arrived home, I went upstairs to shower and shave while everyone else was eating dinner. When I finished in the bathroom, I dressed in my tuxedo and then went downstairs.

“Jesus,” Abbie breathed when she saw me.

“Don’t give him any ideas!” Elyse laughed. “His ego is already big enough!”

“There can only be one person in the house who thinks they are a god,” I said piously, “and Jess has that position sewn up!”

“Watch it, Tiger. For all intents and purposes, I AM your god!”

“I think a certain three-year-old might disagree!” I chuckled.

“Dad!” Jesse exclaimed. “Your beard!”

“I shaved it for tonight.”

“Daddy, I like your beard,” Birgit said, sounding sad.

“Pumpkin, I’ll let it grow back. Tonight is like Halloween.”

“Is that a costume?” Matthew asked.

I almost laughed, because in Swedish, «kostym» was the word for a man’s suit. Even funnier, the word for ‘tuxedo’ in Swedish was «smoking». And to cap it off, I’d heard a tuxedo called a ‘penguin suit’ a few times here in the US.

“No, it’s a tuxedo,” I said. “A special kind of suit. But I’m pretending to be someone.”

“Who?”

“A person from the movies, James Bond.”

“007! Cool!” Jesse grinned. “He gets all the girls! And kills the bad guys!”

Everyone laughed.

“I guess we know what Jesse wants to be when he grows up,” Kara smirked.

“When’s the last time you wore that?” Jennifer asked.

“The last time I escorted Tanya, which would have been in DC six years ago, roughly. I had to take it in and have it altered a bit about a year ago, because my build has changed from all the running and karate.”

“Go have a good time,” Jessica said with a smile, then added, “Mr. Bond.”

I kissed my wives and kids, then headed out the back door. Ten minutes later, I was in front of Crystal’s dorm, and called her room using my mobile phone. Three minutes later, she walked out the front door of the dorm in what I could only call a stunning red dress that perfectly complemented my tuxedo. I quickly got out of the car and opened the passenger door for her.

“Wow!” she breathed. “Nice tuxedo.”

“Your dress is gorgeous! And so are you!”

“Thanks!”

She got into the car and I closed the door. I walked around, got in, and pulled away. During the drive she talked about her classes and her finals and going home and how boring it was going to be after living in the city for six months. She told me more about her family, and I told her a bit about mine, though I was purposefully vague on a number of things, since I didn’t want to get into a discussion about my home life or my mom.

When we arrived at Bucktown Bistro, I handed the keys to the valet. I recognized him, and he me, but he simply acknowledged me with a nod. So far, so good. I took Crystal’s arm and led her inside.

“Good evening, Sir. Madam. Do you have a reservation?”

“Yes. Bond. James Bond.”

Crystal broke up laughing, “Seriously?”

The maître d’, Phil, nodded and made a point of scanning his reservation list.

“Ah, yes, Mr. Bond, we have a table for two ready for you. Please, follow me.”

He’d pulled it off perfectly, without even a smirk. He led us to a table that Alex usually reserved for romantic evenings. It was the one I’d be sitting at with Jessica and Kara on Sunday evening. He pulled out Crystal’s chair, and she sat down. I waited for her to sit before I sat down myself. Alex was quickly at the table.

“Good evening, Mr. Bond! I’m Alex Saunders, the proprietor of this establishment! Welcome!”

“Thank you, Alex. Would you send the waiter over for drinks, please?”

He nodded. I’d discussed this with him before, and he was willing to serve Crystal without carding her, as a special favor. I didn’t know if she’d order a drink or not, but I had it covered. The waiter came to the table.

“Yes sir?”

“I’d like a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred, with a twist of lemon.”

Crystal laughed again and just shook her head.

“Yes sir!” he said with a completely straight face. “And for the lady?”

She looked at me and I gave her a slight nod.

“A strawberry daiquiri, please.”

“Yes, Ma’am! I’ll have those drinks right away!”

“Just how far does this go?” Crystal asked when he left.

“Does what go?” I grinned.

“The whole ‘James Bond’ shtick?”

“Shtick? You’re seeing the real me. The rest is just my cover!”

“Oh come on!” she laughed. “007 is British!”

“Don’t believe everything you see in the movies!” I grinned.

The waiter came with our drinks,

“Any appetizer, sir?”

“Beluga caviar and the pâté, please.”

Those weren’t on Alex’s usual menu, but he’d agreed to serve them. The one thing he couldn’t get, at least at a price I was willing to pay, was a bottle of Bollinger or Dom Pérignon.

“Very good, Mr. Bond!” the waiter said, clicking his pen in approval.

I was having a very hard time keeping a straight face at this point. And Crystal had no idea what was going on.

“Caviar? Pâté?”

“You must have seen at least one of the movies!”

“You actually like that stuff?”

That was a good question. I’d never had either of them ever in my life. I had no clue what they even tasted like. But I was going to play this for all it was worth. I figured if I could eat «blodpudding», I could eat just about anything. Well, except coconut. I couldn’t stand the stuff. Not the flavor, not the texture. It was the one food I simply would not touch.

“I believe it’s an acquired taste, like many things! I suppose you might have tasted something you didn’t like at first but grew to like it.”

I smirked as I finished saying that.

“I wondered when you’d make your first innuendo!”

“I’m sorry, I was talking about food. Where is YOUR mind?”

Crystal rolled her eyes. Our appetizer arrived and I quickly decided that James Bond could keep both the caviar and the pâté. Acquired taste or not, neither struck me as being worth the price I was paying for them. Granted, they were props, and that made it worth it, but as food? No chance. Crystal wasn’t impressed, either.

“This isn’t very good,” she said.

“As I said, it’s an acquired taste. Don’t worry. Just make sure you order something you really like from the menu.”

The waiter came to take our orders, and the next phase of the plan began. Sam Saunders walked over to the table, wearing a very slinky black cocktail dress.

“James, darling! It’s been so long!” she cooed.

“Samantha! How have you been?”

“Missing you, James!” she said, putting her arms around my neck.

“I’ve been away on important business.”

“More important than me?” she simpered, moving to sit in my lap.

“Nothing is more important than you, Samantha! But I have a guest tonight!”

“But you promised me, James!” she said, planting a soft kiss on my lips.

“Not now, Sam!” I hissed.

She got up from my lap and with practiced ease, performed a theatrical slap that made a lot of noise but didn’t really sting. She stormed away from the table.

Crystal had a look of utter confusion on her face, then burst out laughing.

“I’m being set up, aren’t I?”

I finally laughed, not being able to keep a straight face any longer, and waved Alex over.

“Crystal, meet Alex Saunders, one of my best friends. Alex, this is Crystal Grimes, a new friend.”

“Wait!” Crystal gasped. “You know him?!”

Sam walked over, now wearing her usual shawl in addition to the black dress.

“And this is Sam Saunders, Alex’s wife,” I grinned. “Sam, this is Crystal.”

“Nice to meet you!” Sam said.

“But how?” Crystal asked.

“I’ve known Alex for about four years now. My friends and I come here on alternate Saturdays for breakfast. Alex also hosts our company Christmas party. As soon as you mentioned an upscale place in Bucktown, I knew. And I immediately planned a bit of fun. It changed, though, once Penny made a silly remark about being James Bond. There was going to be a bit more theatrics, but you caught on just a bit too quickly.”

“The slap was what did it,” Crystal said. “I was in a theater group back home. I know how to do that and it was pretty obvious. You held your face perfectly still, she relaxed her hand, and so on.”

“Well, shoot,” I chuckled. “Anyway, I was going to order Bollinger or Dom Pérignon, and the waiter was going to say they were out of it. And Sam was supposed to come back and throw herself at me. My only disappointment is missing the second kiss! It was supposed to be a doozy!”

“Tough luck, Mr. Bond!” Alex laughed. “Crystal, if you’ll allow, I’ll have a special three course meal I’d like to prepare. Or you can order from the menu.”

“I’d advise taking him up on his offer,” I said. “He’s a wizard.”

“As long as it’s better than the caviar and pâté!”

Alex nodded, “I agree with Koskov in The Living Daylights - caviar is peasant food. And not very good, actually. We don’t get much caviar in Canada and I usually don’t serve it, but Mr. Bond made a special request! Pâté on the other hand is fantastic when done right. But it doesn’t really fit with my theme here.”

“I’ll go with your special meal,” Crystal said.

“Low carb, right, Steve?” Alex asked.

“Who ratted me out?”

“Jessica,” Alex laughed. “Who else?”

He and Sam left the table.

“Low carb?” Crystal asked.

“I’m on a heavily sugar-restricted diet. I think I mentioned it before. My physician thinks sugar exacerbates mood swings, and so far, it seems like he’s right.”

“Mood swings? Like you’re manic-depressive?”

“Not nearly that extreme. And it’s called ‘bipolar’ these days. But anyway, I have a history of fainting, mood swings, low blood pressure, and some other minor things which has the doctors baffled.”

“But you’re like the healthiest, fittest person I know! You always eat salads, you do karate, you run!”

“I don’t ALWAYS eat salads. That’s just my usual Tuesday lunch. Other days I’ll have Chinese, without the rice, of course, or soup, or sandwiches. If I do a sandwich, though, that’s about the limit for the carbs for the day.”

“But that’s like no potatoes or rice.”

“And no corn, or bread, or stuff like that. But I don’t completely abstain. So I could have dessert tonight, if I wanted. It’s not a blood sugar issue - that’s often a bit low because of my exercise regimen. I guarantee you that what Alex brings out will have SOME carbs. But it won’t have potatoes or pasta.”

“So you faint?”

“Under extreme stress, yes. But it’s much more under control than it has been. And the mood swings are greatly reduced by my diet, exercise, and getting enough sleep. I had pretty much every test known to man, and passed them all with flying colors. Given that I’m friends with the Head of Emergency Medicine at UofC Hospital, it won’t come as a surprise that he had all the department heads check me out.”

“Because you have fainting spells?”

“Yes. The one that caused all those tests lasted about five minutes and that concerned him and Jessica, my wife, the doctor.”

“Hang on a sec! Alex and Sam know you. And they know you’re married. And they didn’t blink at you being here with me?”

“I said you were a friend and they believed me. And Jessica knows I’m here. So does Kara. The three of us will be here on Sunday. Do you think I’d have brought you here if I was worried about what somebody might think?”

“No, I guess not.”

Alex brought the first course, which was French onion soup, though I was sure there was no bread in mine. As we ate, I discovered I was correct. I was going to have a word with Jessica about ruining one of my favorite dishes that I rarely had. But that was for later. Next came one of Alex’s specialty salads. And the entrée was baked chicken with steamed vegetables.

“Are you allowed a dessert tonight?” Alex asked.

“I’m allowed a dessert ANY night! I’ll remind you who’s paying here!”

“Take it up with Jessica!” he laughed.

“We’ll have your house specialty!” I said.

That was chocolate cake with hot chocolate fudge drizzled over it, and a small scoop of vanilla ice cream. Crystal loved it just as much as I thought she would. Alex brought us coffee as well.

“Was everything up to your expectations?”

“Perfect, Alex. Though I think Crystal’s opinion is more important tonight.”

“My friend was right. This place is fantastic! Everything you prepared was excellent.”

“Glad to hear it!” Alex said, handing me the leather folio with the check.

I didn’t look, but slipped my Amex card into the slot and handed it back. He and I had agreed on the price during our call when he’d told me how much the ‘extras’ would cost. The tip was already calculated and so I signed the flimsy and handed it back to him. He’d destroy the carbons for me.

“You didn’t even look!” she said.

“You’ve heard the saying that if you have to ask, you can’t afford it?”

“But seriously!”

“Do you ever see James Bond look at the check?”

“Hmm. I don’t remember him doing that, no.”

“There you go!”

“Did I miss out on something by figuring out I was being put on?”

“Miss something?”

“Well, James Bond ALWAYS goes to bed with the girls!”

“Ah, but you’re mistaken. Did you see For Your Eyes Only?”

“Sure.”

“Bibi,” I smirked.

“She was supposed to be like sixteen or something!”

“You did say ‘ALWAYS’ didn’t you?”

“Wait! After all this? The whole ‘James Bond’ thing, you aren’t going to try to take me to bed?”

“Crystal, have I done anything, anything at all, to imply that?”

“If dressing in that tux and pretending to be James Bond isn’t implying you want to go to bed with me, I don’t know what is!”

“I do believe I told you I wanted to be friends, and you agreed, even saying you weren’t sure what you wanted.”

“But the date? Dinner? The act?”

“What? Somehow I should expect you to have sex with me because I put on a tux and bought you dinner? Do you really think so little of me?”

“But guys expect that! And they get upset if you don’t!”

“Well, I don’t expect anything and I’m certainly not upset. Well, not the way you mean. On the other hand, I’m not happy with the accusation that this is all some kind of elaborate ploy to get you into my bed.”

“It’s not?”

“No, it’s not. And before you get some bizarre idea that I don’t find you attractive, or whatever, I’ll stand by what I said earlier. The dress is gorgeous and so are you.”

“What if I changed my mind?” she asked.

“What if I don’t answer unless you say whether you actually have or not?!” I chuckled.

“Back to that, are we?”

“I don’t do hypothetical questions such as that, when you could just as easily ask it in a straightforward way.”

“You are very strange. I still don’t believe this isn’t some game.”

“It’s not. I mean yes, I’m having fun with the whole ‘Bond’ thing. But no, this is not some elaborate way of trying to get you into my bed. Yes, I tease a bit, but if you’ve noticed, ever since I upset you, I’ve been careful about that.”

“You have. I guess I prefer a bit more silliness.”

I smirked, “So, something like, that dress looks great on you, but it would look better on the floor next to my bed?”

“That is SO corny! And I’ve heard it before! In High School!”

“I think everyone has heard it before!”

“So now what?” Crystal asked.