Chapter 29: Just Like Starting Over

December 1, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“I think our husband was right,” Kara said, as we lay in bed at 4:00am on Sunday morning, sweaty and exhausted.

“I suppose I have to agree!” Jessica giggled. “Dinner and then eight straight hours of wild, passionate, uninhibited sex was a MUCH better idea than talking about Bethany!”

“And watching you two make love made my recovery MUCH faster,” I chuckled. “You have no idea how hot it is to watch the two of you!”

“Are we going to bother sleeping?” Kara asked.

“Maybe five hours?” I said. “Then we can have breakfast, shower, and talk. We have a late checkout, so we don’t have to leave until 2:00pm. I think Bethany will understand. I warned her I might not see them off today. But I’ll be in Milford next weekend.”

Kara set the alarm on the night table next to her, and the three of us snuggled close together and quickly fell asleep.

“Who set that damned alarm,” Jessica groaned five hours later.

We slowly dragged ourselves from bed. I called Room Service to have breakfast sent up, and the three of us went to the bathroom to shower. We enjoyed a nice, loving, three-way shower, then dried and put on robes. Kara closed the door to the bedroom, and I sprayed a bit of air freshener in the sitting room to try to remove the worst of the ‘people were fucking here’ smell.

Room Service arrived with our breakfast and we sat down to eat.

“You were right, Tiger,” Jessica said.

“About?” I asked.

“Confronting my dad, well, Doctor Barton. I have to be careful saying ‘dad’, obviously. And you were right about telling Kara. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.”

“I could tell last night, Babe. As you told the story, you sounded more upbeat and confident. Are you back?”

“What did our all-night fuckathon tell you?” she giggled.

“That you’re a sex fiend just like Kara!” I chuckled.

“Well, yes. But I’m fine, Tiger. And I also decided something else.”

“What’s that?”

“I want to read the rest of your story, now that you know mine. Even if it’s hard to do it.”

“Are you sure, Jessica?” Kara asked.

“Yes. If Steve can be strong enough to accept everything I’ve dumped on him since we met that day in Indianapolis, I can be strong enough to read the rest of his story.”

“I hope that’s true,” I said. “So what about Bethany?”

“Kara,” Jessica said, placing her hand on top of Kara’s, “let me handle this, at least at first, please.”

“OK,” Kara said, somewhat apprehensively.

“I was thinking about the conversation and how you were worried about what she might do,” Jessica said.

“And we agreed that I wasn’t responsible for what she did.”

“The problem is, even though you SAY that’s the case, you’ll feel guilty if something goes wrong, and you’ll blame yourself. And then you’ll spend weeks or months or years trying to help her recover from that.”

“Probably,” I admitted.

“So I think we need to reevaluate the situation. I suppose the first question is could you do what Abbie said? And could Bethany?”

I shook my head, “Even assuming I can do it, and that’s not a sure thing for all the reasons we’ve discussed, I’m not convinced SHE can do it, even if she says she can. And that runs a risk.”

“What risk? Are you going to run off with her? Divorce me and marry her?”

“No, of course not!” I said.

“Then what’s the risk?”

“That we don’t stop. Ever. For the rest of our lives. Can both of you handle that? Can our relationship handle it? Can she handle it? Can I handle it? And, can Nicholas handle it?”

“Nicholas?” Kara asked.

“He already asked me if Bethany and I were trying to make a baby because we sleep together. And I had to explain to Jesse that my quick kiss on the lips with Bethany didn’t mean I was having sex with her. I think those two are talking. Can they handle such a relationship? What will Nicholas think when he’s old enough to REALLY understand? How can I honestly talk to him about his dad if I’m fucking his mom?”

“That would be a downside to living such an open life,” Kara said.

“Let’s assume I didn’t live my life openly,” I said. “Do you think it would be possible to hide something like that from Nicholas? Kids aren’t clueless. They figure that stuff out. Francesca knew Carol was sleeping with Stan and you can be SURE that Carol did everything she could to hide it from Francesca.”

“I suppose that’s true. That does complicate things.”

“It does. And honestly, are the two of you willing to let Bethany into our family in that way? Knowing what you know about how I feel about her and how she feels about me? This isn’t like Abbie.”

“Isn’t it?” Jessica asked. “How does Abbie feel about you?”

“There is NO WAY you can compare my relationship with Abbie to my relationship with Bethany! I care about Abbie, and I love her in my own way, but not the way I love Bethany. Or the way I love you two. Or Elyse.”

“OK. Let’s set Abbie aside for the moment. I wonder about Bethany, Kathy and Jennifer,” Jessica said. “Would you leave me for any of them? Go back on your word? Divorce me?”

She had me there. But she was pushing into that crazy territory of ‘hypothesis contrary to fact’.

“With Kathy and Jennifer, my rule is firmly in place and so I can’t tell you how I’d respond if they were available, because they aren’t.”

“Speculate, for once.”

I shook my head, “Nothing I can say is a realistic answer because I KNOW the facts. That said, I’m going to say unequivocally, that I’m not going to leave you or Kara for any of them.”

“But you told Jennifer you’d run away with her IF it were possible! Isn’t THAT speculation in the way you just refused?”

I sighed, “Yes. I said it. But it’s easy to say something like that when you know that what you’re saying isn’t actually possible.”

“But you don’t do THAT either, Tiger. Why do it with Jennifer?”

“I have no idea,” I sighed.

“Jess, I think this is the end of this conversation,” Kara said firmly. “At least for now.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s confused. And until we can sort out all of these issues of love and relationships in our complicated family, doing something that might bring another person into it is a bad idea.”

Kara had a point, but there was, in my mind, a larger issue that we had to deal with, and that was our individual and combined emotional states.

“Babe, yesterday was a very emotional day. Even though we’re all in a good mood right now, I don’t think we’re past all the issues at this point.”

“Sex will always put us in a good mood!” Kara giggled.

Jessica smiled, “Yes it will! So then what?”

“We focus on our trio,” I said. “And our kids. But the entire dynamic changed this week because of the revelation about Al Barton. It’s going to affect us in ways that we don’t yet understand.”

“What about Elyse and Abbie?”

“Unless you two girls want me to change something there, I think we can safely continue as we are now. Elyse has made no secret of her desire to get out of Chicago proper and live in the ‘burbs.”

“She must really hate it if she’s going to move and take the kids. And what about the office? I don’t see you moving that out of the city. She’ll have a terrible commute every day.”

“The trains aren’t that bad, if you’re coming into the city to work in the Loop,” I said. “The commute is her trade-off. We have two people coming in from Lisle at this point, and one from Naperville. She’d just be one or two stops further on that same train line. The express from Naperville is about 35 minutes.”

“That’s all?” Jessica asked. “I guess that’s not so bad, then.”

“Add the drive to the station, and the train or bus to Hyde Park, and it’s probably ninety minutes, roughly.”

“As opposed to less than ten minutes walking each way!” Jessica said.

“Don’t worry, Babe! So long as you’re at the hospital, we aren’t moving anywhere! And do you think I’m giving up my dream house anytime soon? I always understood that at some point, Elyse was going to find a boyfriend and move out. In a sense, I’m the one on borrowed time!”

“And Abbie?”

“Abbie is not the same girl who came here from New York, nor is she the same girl who became our nanny. I think she’s learned a lot about relationships and love, and it’s changed her. I can’t even begin to predict what she might do down the road. Heck, if you had asked me to predict what she’d do when she first came here, I’d have said move to New York, and been certain about it.

“And I think that goes right back to our conversation about Bethany, but it really hearkens back to our conversations with Doctor Green about risk-taking. We can’t predict what will happen, so all we can do is identify the risks and decide if they are worth taking or not. Sometimes we get it wrong, sometimes we get it right. The question becomes, then, do we take the risk?”

“The way you did when you confronted Doctor Barton,” Jessica said.

“Yes, or Jennifer sent me to Becky that first time. Or when Kara arranged for us to make love in her bed for her first time. Or Doctor Barton’s handling of your relationship. Or him pushing you to me.”

“There was no risk in having sex with YOU, Snuggle Bear!” Kara giggled. “Except becoming addicted to it!”

“Except there was. What happened? Was it what you intended? Was it a risk you understood? Even if it turned out OK, I bet you didn’t really understand the risk before that night.”

“What risk?” Jessica asked.

“The risk that we’d fall in love,” Kara sighed. “Remember what I wanted? And why I wanted it? You know the whole story now. The thing we don’t ever discuss again. But Steve messed up my plan by falling in love with me.”

“Messed up? But you got what you wanted!” Jessica protested.

“That’s just it! I didn’t. What I wanted was a hot, steamy, sexy affair that lasted a few weeks. I’d get properly fucked by the school expert, and then I’d move on. THAT was what I wanted. And Steve wanted to fuck the sexy fundamentalist girl. He didn’t plan to fall in love. Ask Bethany about that.”

“So all that stuff Steve wrote in his journal was true at the time, not some after-the-fact thing?”

“It’s all contemporaneous with the events, Jess,” I said. “I mean within a couple of days. In rare cases, perhaps a month after the events, but that’s noted too, because I’d write about not being able to write. And Kara’s case wasn’t the only one where someone fell in love.”

“You’re talking about Stephanie’s friend? The one who lost her virginity with her friend and your sister in the room?”

“Trish. Among others. But I fell in love with Jennie McGrath. That’s why she broke things off so quickly. Well, that and the fact that she was falling in love with me, too. I’d say Bethany falls into the category of unintended consequences based on what SHE wanted and where it ended up, wouldn’t you?”

“Because she just wanted to prove she could have sex with someone without freaking out, and trusted you, because of what Jennifer said, to handle the situation.”

“Exactly. And look where THAT led! And honestly, do you think Jennifer or I understood the risks of what we did with Melanie the day she tried to kill herself?”

“No.”

“And,” I took a deep breath, “did you truly understand the risks when you told me to be with Fawn?”

Jessica sagged a bit in her chair, “No.”

“And neither did I. I thought the real risk was Al finding out. But that turned out to be a minor concern compared to how she and I felt, AND the fact that she’s your half-sister!”

“But you went through with it, even knowing she was madly in love with you?”

“Went through with it? That sounds as if I judged the risks properly. I didn’t. I was drawn in by my own feelings and by her feelings. Do you think that long-drawn-out seduction in Central Park was simply to get her in the mood? I could have had her in bed in her dorm room, fucking, five minutes after I showed up with the single pink rose.”

“What?!” Jessica gasped.

“You did NOT understand the risks, Babe. Not even close. And neither did I. Not really. I THOUGHT I did. But I was so focused on my relationship with Al that I missed what was really going on. It’s kind of the opposite of what happened with Lyusya. There, neither of us were in love, ever. She lusted for me, without a doubt, but I was never anything to her but someone to have sex with. Oh, she acted the little girl in love part, but that was just play-acting. It was all part of her seduction attempt. And one of the main drivers there was that Tanya had something Lyusya wanted. But not permanently, despite what Lyusya might have said.”

“How close did I come to losing you?” Jessica asked quietly.

“I don’t think that’s the right question. Think of it this way. Did Jennifer or Elyse lose me when I married you? Did Kara?”

“No, obviously not.”

“So no, you wouldn’t have lost me, but you might have had to share me even further. And THAT, Babe, is the issue with Bethany.”

Jessica smiled, “Is it? Really? That’s already happened. We’re already sharing you with her, and your kids are sharing you with Nicholas. And all of us think both of those are good things, don’t we Kara?”

Kara smiled, “Yes. Jesse has told me that he was very happy that Steve could be ‘like a dad’ to Nicholas since Nicholas didn’t have one. The kids all understand, at least so far as they can. Birgit said you should help Bethany not be sad! I don’t think Nicholas misunderstood, at least for a two-year-old, that you are his dad when he asked if you and his mom were trying to make a baby.”

“It was more than that,” I said. “He wanted to know why we didn’t try to make a baby because he knew I loved his mom. And he called me ‘Uncle Steve’ and her ‘Mom’. So he has the picture, at least insofar as a two-and-a-half year old could understand. That actually led to a discussion about only having sex with people you want to, and not touching. Jesse also told me that the two of you, along with Jennifer, have talked to Jesse about not touching his siblings because they’re brother and sister.”

“Given the circumstances, can you blame us, Tiger?”