Chapter 26: A Bold Tactic

November 23, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

It was 2:00am and we were still talking. Jessica had cried a lot, and we’d cuddled her. Then we’d talked more, and she’d cried more. And we’d cuddled more. While talking, the clouds in my mind parted a bit and I saw some light. She had her own incest issues to deal with, and reading about my own ‘descent’, so to speak, into incest had triggered her issues.

“Jess, we should probably get some sleep,” I said.

“You don’t hate me?”

“For what? You didn’t do it, and even if you had, I’m in no position to throw any stones.”

“But I hid it from you. Even after we promised to tell everything!”

“We’ve been over this three times now. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t tell me until tonight. It’s like so many of the things in my journals. We’re both a mess.”

“I need to say something,” Kara said. “Something I only ever told Doctor Mercer and Steve about, and I not only swore Steve to secrecy, but forbid any mention of it ever again.”

“Kara,” I cautioned.

“No. She needs to hear it. She feels dirty because of what she did, and I need to share this because of how I felt.”

“It’s different,” I protested.

“Yes, but I want her to know. I think it’s important.”

I shrugged, “It’s up to you, Honey.”

“Jess, this happened when I was thirteen, and had only recently had my first period. I was starting to develop, you know, my breasts were growing, I was getting pubic hair, the normal puberty stuff. One night, when I was home alone with my dad, he asked if I would take off my blouse so he could see my breasts. I freaked out, said ‘no’, and ran up to my room and locked my door. I didn’t come out until the next morning. He never asked again, and I never said anything to anyone until I was talking to Doctor Mercer. When she asked me my very first memory about sex, the first time I thought about it, that’s what I told her.”

“Your dad did that? And you never reported it?”

“No. I couldn’t. I didn’t want my dad to get into trouble. But I was scared of him from then on. Before that, he’d been my dad, and I loved him dearly. After that, he was a threat, I guess. I had really strange feelings about myself after that. Doctor Mercer thinks that’s why I was bound and determined to lose my virginity - so that my dad couldn’t steal it from me. I don’t know that he would have taken it that far, but Doctor Mercer says requests like that often precede using force. In my dad’s case, though, he never, ever repeated it, so maybe it was just a stupid thought, but I couldn’t trust him. I did everything I could to avoid being alone with him after that.”

“Now I understand why you told me. Because my half-brother almost took my virginity.”

“Partly. But partly to share a secret that Steve and I kept from you. Well, me, really, because Steve had promised never to even mention it ever again. And he hasn’t.”

“Uh, I’m not sure that’s entirely accurate, Kara. I’m pretty sure I wrote it in my journal.”

She stared at me for a moment, “You and those damned journals! Maybe it would be better if they never existed.”

“Maybe. But we are where we are. They exist. And I need to keep writing. I am reasonably certain it’s the only thing that’s kept me sane since I was fourteen. I’m sorry, but I never intended to hurt you.”

“Bethany read those! And others! I can’t believe you, Steve! You promised!”

“I’m sorry. I can’t undo it now.”

“Who’s read that?”

And the question that I couldn’t answer without revealing something I was sworn to keep secret. I was beginning to understand exactly why keeping things from people close to me was nightmarish. If I told Kara the truth, I’d be violating Elyse’s trust. But writing that episode in my journals had violated Kara’s trust. I hadn’t written in my journal about Elyse reading them, and I now had no intention of writing that. But, that didn’t mean it wouldn’t come out some way. What I needed to do was talk to Elyse, but I couldn’t do that immediately.

“Bethany,” I said. “And Anala read some, but I’m not sure where she stopped. Stephanie stopped reading before that, I’m sure.”

“Thank heavens for small favors,” she said, sounding quite annoyed.

“Honey, I’m sorry.”

“We’re quite the trio, aren’t we?” Jessica sighed.

“Does any of this matter, ultimately?” I asked. “We’re all getting things out on the table. We’ve all made mistakes. We all have had secrets.”

“But I lied to you,” Jessica said.

“About what? I saw the blood on the sheet! Everyone did, come to think of it!”

“But I said I was untouched!”

“Jess, it’s not an issue. I don’t care!”

“But he had his mouth on me! He had his penis on my labia!”

“Babe, if I were to think less of you because of that, I’d be the world’s biggest hypocrite! And scores of men would have a beef against me! I put no particular value on that. And you didn’t lie! You WERE a virgin.”

“Jess, you read Steve’s reaction to Bethany, right?”

“Yes. So?”

“So if he considered her a virgin after what happened to her, AND had no problem with her having sex with people while she was at school in Madison, and was ready to marry her, how could you think he has a problem with you?”

“But the lie!” she said, tears running down her face again.

Bethany had lied to me, too. She’d had a long-running affair. But, as with Bethany on that issue, I wasn’t going to let this come between Jessica and me.

“It doesn’t matter, Jess,” I soothed. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Jess,” Kara said.

“He said you were strong. He was right.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Doctor Barton.”

And the last piece of the 2,500 piece puzzle fell into place. Al Barton knew all of this. Everything. I took a couple of deep breaths.

“He knew, didn’t he?” I said evenly.

“Yes. Please don’t be angry with him!”

“At this point, I have no anger left, Jess,” I said.

“As soon as he met you, he knew you were strong enough to help me. That’s why he tried to get us together. He told me that you were my only real hope. The only man who could help me.”

“Jess, is that why you accepted my dalliances and the situation with Kara?” I asked.

“At first. Doctor Barton told me to do whatever I had to do to get you. Accept anything I had to. But later, I developed real feelings for Kara.”

“And the dalliances?”

“You remember I tried to negotiate those with you?”

“Yes.”

“In the end, I decided being with you and Kara was worth whatever price I had to pay. Later, I became used to it, I guess. Then, as I learned more about you, I realized that you had some ridiculous capacity to love. You just showed that to me again tonight.”

“I don’t think that answers my question,” I said.

“At this point, I don’t care who you fuck, Tiger. I really don’t. And, if I’m honest with myself, I never did. I need you. If the price is you having sex with other women, I’ll pay it. The price is worth it.”

“And you leaving me?”

“Was because I lost my mind. If I’d just talked to you, everything would have been fine. But I was still afraid, even after three years, that you would reject me and I’d have nothing.”

“Babe, that makes no sense!”

“It does if you realize I hated myself, not you. It was self-destructive behavior to protect you.”

Another flash.

“Did Doctor Barton take the job in Chicago because of me?” I asked.

“Indirectly, yes. Once it was clear where things were going between us, he needed to make sure he was with us.”

“And if he couldn’t get the job here?”

“He’d have found something in Chicago. He has the credentials to go anywhere.”

Maybe I was wrong about the puzzle. Maybe there were other pieces.

“Why?” I asked. “What is Doctor Barton to you? Really? Something just doesn’t add up.”

“I can’t tell you,” she whispered.

“No secrets, Jess,” I said. “And I think this is a big one.”

“Steve, no, please,” she begged. “Don’t make me tell you!”

“OK,” I said, suppressing a sigh. “Let’s go to sleep. We’ll worry about this in the morning.”

Kara reached over and turned off the light, and the three of us snuggled together. I closed my eyes and relaxed, but sleep wouldn’t come. I began analyzing everything I knew about Al Barton and about Jessica. Given the ages of her parents, I didn’t see how he could be a sibling. Her mom and dad simply weren’t old enough for that to be the case, even if I allowed for the extreme gap between their births. He was far too young to be her grandfather.

An uncle? That was possible. Given the names, unless there were some oddities, he’d have to be Angela’s brother. Of the things running through my mind, that made the most sense. But then why not call him ‘Uncle Al’, at least in private? And why not tell me? I could see trying to avoid claims of ‘nepotism’, but that seemed way too risky to me. If such a secret got out, it would destroy two careers. And that was something that could easily come out due to a background check, or even a newspaper reporter writing an article about Al.

That meant it most likely he wasn’t a brother or uncle. To me, keeping that kind of secret wasn’t worth the risk. It had to be something else; something where keeping the secret was not only worth the risk, but that the chance that anyone would discover it was, effectively, non-existent. It was the same reason I didn’t disclose my ties to the Outfit to anyone. Chances of discovery were small, even with the FBI snooping around, and it kept me from all kinds of grief.

I could be barking up the wrong tree on Jessica being related to Al. Perhaps he’d become her mentor based on some as-yet undisclosed event in her childhood, pre-med, or early medical school days. I knew for certain that it wasn’t an affair for the same reason I knew she hadn’t had sex with her half-brother. And I didn’t detect any signs of that kind of affection between them.

I didn’t know where he’d grown up, or where he’d gone to medical school, done his Residency, or his fellowship. All I knew was that he was the top trauma surgeon at Indiana University Hospital. Before that, everything was blank.

I did know a bit about his personal life - two failed marriages, with a kid from each one. A marriage to Belinda, with Fawn and Gerry resulting. But I didn’t know much more than that. I didn’t even know where he was born, if he had any siblings, or if his parents were still alive. In fact, I couldn’t recall him ever saying if the kids by his first two marriages were boys or girls.

That was just a part of what was going through my mind as I tried to sleep. What had ever possessed Jessica to become involved with her half-brother in that way? It certainly didn’t sound like it involved violence, alcohol, or drugs. The way she related it, at least in the minimal conversation we had, was that she was a willing participant. How that happened was a mystery, though I was in NO PLACE to cast stones. They’d stopped before it had gone too far. Stephanie and I hadn’t.

Was that part of her fear with regard to Rachel? That somehow I would develop a relationship with my daughter that crossed that boundary. I’d made promises to all of my girls that I would never, ever do such a thing, but given what I’d done with my sister, they had no reason to trust me, and every reason to watch me like a hawk. They couldn’t know it, but the more I talked with Doctor Mercer, the more I realized just how damaging such a relationship was. I’d never have believed it when I was seventeen, but I was sure enough now that I’d watch for ANY signs of such behavior amongst my kids and take immediate action.

It seemed that a number of choices I’d made in Junior High and High school were having lifelong effects. And that was something I’d need to share with my kids. Decisions you made as a young person could alter the course of your life in ways you couldn’t imagine, and in ways that couldn’t easily be changed, if at all. I was dealing with the ramifications of those choices now - incest, mob ties, career, family, and friends. On balance, things had worked out quite well, but the things that hadn’t were significant.

Jessica had her issues, as did Kara, though I felt Kara’s paled by comparison to mine and Jessica’s. But that was me, observing from the outside. I didn’t know, and might never know, what internal struggles Kara had dealt with or was dealing with. At this point, she was so well adjusted that the last thing I wanted to do was dredge up her past. I’d been surprised about her revelation to Jessica, but, ultimately, it made sense. Kara was showing Jessica that she, too, had something hidden in her past that she could share.

I could tell I wasn’t going to fall asleep easily or quickly, but the slow, relaxed breathing coming from either side of me, and the fact that the three of us were spooned together, meant I couldn’t get out of bed without disturbing my wives, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I kept my eyes closed, regulated my breathing, did my best to clear my mind, and eventually, after some unknown amount of time, fell asleep.

November 25, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“Well, yesterday was an all-around shitty day,” I said to Elyse as we walked to work.

“Why? Just because Freddy Mercury died?”

“No, not just that. Jess is struggling with a bunch of stuff. And no, it’s not just my past. She, Kara, and I stayed up well past 2:00am on Friday night talking.”

“Are we back to the situation being the way it was before she left?”

“No, I don’t think so. I’m going to see Al this morning to talk to him.”

“That’s a good thing,” Elyse agreed.

“You heard that Freddy Mercury died from complications of HIV, right?”

“Yes. I thought of your friend in Columbus. How’s he doing?”

“So far, so good. He’s not better, which pretty much is impossible, but also not much worse. The AZT seems to be working great for Tracey, and they have her on two other drugs as well. They’re experimental, but fundamentally, if they can keep her immune system strong enough, she’ll live a normal life.”

“A cure?” Elyse asked.

“No. I asked Jess about that a while ago. You don’t die from HIV, but from other things that happen due to a suppressed immune system, so you can live a full life being HIV positive, and other than making sure you don’t infect anyone, you’ll be fine.”

“That’s pretty impressive compared to where things were even three years ago.”

“Indeed.”

“When are you going to see Al Barton?”

“Around 10:00am.”

“I hope he can help.”

“I suspect he can,” I said.

I hadn’t pressed Jessica for further details, nor had she volunteered any. I had, though, decided on another course of action. I was reasonably certain I could pull it off, given what I knew so far, and given my relationship with Al. He didn’t teach on Monday mornings, and I knew he didn’t have an ER shift because I’d casually asked Jessica about it on the way to the ER earlier that morning. I also knew Hospital Board meetings were on Wednesday afternoons. That meant, more than likely, I’d catch him in his office, or someplace where he could be called back to his office.

“Steve! Hello! Is Doctor Barton expecting you?” Victoria asked when I appeared in his office at 10:15am.

“No, Victoria. I didn’t call. Is he available?”

“He’s on the phone, but his schedule is clear until 11:30am, so grab a seat and I’ll let him know you’re here.”

I sat down and waited while she ducked into the office. She was back a minute later, and about two minutes after that, she told me to go in.

“Steve! Good morning! To what do I owe the surprise visit?” he asked, extending his hand.

“Good morning,” I paused, and then said as evenly and firmly as I could, “Al, I know. I want to hear your side of the story.”

He blanched, which told me that I’d guessed correctly. Now, the question was, could I get him to actually tell me.

“How did you find out?” he asked.

The gambit had paid off. Now I just had to maneuver through a small minefield to get to the target.

“You know all the problems which Jessica and I have been having recently? We’ve talked a lot and I basically dragged it, along with a bunch of other stuff, out of her. Please don’t blame her, and please don’t say anything to her until you and I completely talk this through.”