Chapter 20: Abel and Delilah

October 19, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“I don’t know if I can take this anymore,” Jessica sighed.

She’d finished Volume 2, the one labeled ‘Jennifer’, the previous night.

“Becky?” I asked.

“That was just the capstone on a series of horrible things. I don’t think any of you did a single thing right in that entire volume! Not you. Not Bethany. Not Jennifer. Not Melanie. Not your sister. Not Becky. It was just a train wreck from start to finish!”

“I’m not sure I’d be so hard on Bethany at this point in the story,” Jennifer said calmly. “Think about where she was at THAT point, not what you know about her now.”

“I suppose. And Steve, the way you treated Kathy! That was HORRIBLE! I can’t believe she’s even talking to you, let alone that she could be our closest friend!”

“She agreed with you. I wrote exactly what happened and what she said to me, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but Steve! How could you?”

“How could I what? Not want to have sex with the equivalent of a blow up doll? Not want to be just another guy who stuck his dick in her without caring for her? You know me better than that!”

“I guess. And Beth Pater? Really? You didn’t think I needed to know you two had been lovers before you put her on your Board of Directors?”

“I’m not sure why that’s particularly relevant at this point. She and I haven’t been intimate since High School. Joyce and I were together MUCH longer. But I’m pretty sure you knew that.”

“Yes, because Kara told me all about that. I was surprised that you took a shower with Joyce without ever seeing her naked. That doesn’t sound like you!”

“Sure it does,” Kara said. “That was EXACTLY him! Joyce told me about it later on, because I didn’t even know Steve at that point in the story. I knew OF him, but didn’t know him. He did have something of a reputation.”

“Because of Melanie and Jennifer. I still don’t get it.”

“Jess, may I make a suggestion?” Kara said.

“What?”

“Stop reading for a bit. Take Ashley and Albert and go see your parents for a few days. Call right now, and fly down tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“You need to get away from here. You were supposed to have your conference in Florida, but Ashley kind of messed that up. Or Steve did, given that he’s never missed getting a girl pregnant the first time!”

There was Becky, but I had always assumed she hadn’t stopped her birth control pills in time.

“Tiger?”

“I think you need a break, Babe. And I think it has to be away from us. We talked about this before I scheduled my trip to Europe. You need your time away just as I did and just as Kara does. Hers got messed up by the job change, but she already has her plans for next summer’s American Chemical Society meetings here in Chicago. And she’ll stay at the hotel with the rest of the people at the convention.”

“Aren’t you afraid I won’t come back?” she asked.

“I’ll say the same thing Jennifer did when you asked her about Becky. If you love someone, set them free...”

“But you always added your own corollary to that!” she protested.

“The ‘hunt them down and kill them’ bit? That was in jest, and you know it. Call your parents. Take the kids to see their grandparents.”

“But what about booking a flight?”

“If I call Barney right now, you’ll have tickets waiting for you at the airport in four hours if you want. I say that, because you need some time to pack and get ready. Jess, I think you need this. Then you can come back and keep reading.”

“You WANT me to keep reading?”

“The only way through is forward,” I said.

October 22, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“I’m so sorry about your clothes!” Crystal said when she came to my table.

“I’m perfectly capable of doing laundry and an extra shower doesn’t cause me to melt like the Wicked Witch of the West! Not to mention it was really my fault for being a jerk.”

“Jerk doesn’t even begin to describe it, but if I use the words I’m thinking, I’ll lose this job! Salad again?”

“Yes. With the chicken and the bottle of sparkling water.”

“Coming right up!” she said.

I smirked but didn’t say anything.

“You are TERRIBLE!” she huffed and walked away.

I chuckled and pulled out The Hockey News and read about the season that had started two weeks previously. The Penguins were 4-2-1, having lost to the Rangers three days previously. They were playing the Blackhawks in Pittsburgh later in the day, and I was feeling pretty confident, because Lemieux seemed healthy. This might be their year. Again!

Crystal brought my lunch and I ate my salad, left a sizable tip, and then went to the register to pay. There was nobody manning it, and I smiled when I saw her roll her eyes and walk over to take my payment. She did so, and wordlessly handed me my change.

“One thing about when we had coffee,” I said. “I was right about the question.”

I simply turned and walked out without waiting for a response. I was having fun messing with her, and she seemed to be a good sport about it. I just needed to be careful not to take it too far.

After work, I went home to pack my bag, and kiss Kara and the kids goodbye. Jessica was in Plano, and would be home on Saturday. At least that was the plan. I was sure she was coming home as planned, but Kara was uncertain. Elyse was convinced that Jessica wouldn’t come back until she had to start in the ER, which was November 4th. All I cared about was that she DID come home. The when wasn’t important.

“You sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Kara asked.

“I’ll leave the car in the short-term lot at Midway. It’s just one night. This will be easier.”

It also let me do something I didn’t want to share just yet. I would, of course, but I needed no interference in my plans.

October 23, 1991, Milford, Ohio

“Good morning!” Doctor Mercer said. “I thought this was a counseling session.”

“It is,” I said. “Doctor Mercer, I’m Abel.”

“And I’m Delilah,” Stephanie said.

There was silence in the room, and as I’d expected, Doctor Mercer had a stunned look on her face. She appeared to lose her balance and basically fell back into her chair, which fortunately didn’t flip over backwards. Her mouth moved, but she didn’t say anything. All I could do at this point was wait. After what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only about a minute, Doctor Mercer took a sip of water from a glass on her desk.

“I, uh, guess you better sit down. Both of you.”

We sat down on the couch and Doctor Mercer slowly made her way to the comfortable chair she sat in for counseling. She opened her notebook, wrote a couple of lines, then looked at us. I figured that was my cue to start talking.

“I’m sorry to have dropped the bomb on you that way, but I’m sure you can imagine why Bethany couldn’t reveal who we were, nor could I very well call you from home about this.”

“I, uhm, well, yes, I see. Did you read Bethany’s dissertation?”

“I attended the faculty review in Madison when she used it as her Senior project in Madison. And I read advance copies before she turned in her thesis and dissertation. I don’t know if Stephanie read it.”

“I read the dissertation,” my sister acknowledged.

“You attended the faculty review session, Steve? And sat there and listened to them grill her about her research? On you?”

“Yes. It was fascinating, to say the least.”

“And her conclusions?”

“Right at the time. Wrong now. I suspect she told you that.”

“More or less. She put it as things had changed sufficiently that she’d have to revise her thoughts if she ever decided to publish. She said Abel was having trouble with counseling because he couldn’t reveal what had happened. Why?”

“Illinois’ mandatory reporting law. There are no exceptions of any kind. Not for research. Not for counseling. And no reference to any statute of limitations. Despite my psychiatrist’s assurances, I couldn’t take the risk.”

“Hang on. You lost me now. You were seeing a marriage counselor. I didn’t know about the psychiatrist.”

“We both are, but different ones. For the same reason. Severe mood swings that indicate mild bipolar disorder.”

“And how is that being treated?”

“Diet, exercise, stress management, and sufficient sleep. It’s working in both cases. I’m working with an MD who knows about the diagnosis. But he does not know about this issue we just revealed to you.”

“What kind of diet?”

“Very low sugar, including limited carbohydrates. And as I said, serious exercise. The psychiatrist Stephanie has been seeing is doing pioneering work on controlling bipolar disorder with diet, exercise, and stress reduction.”

“Fremd? In Chicago?”

“Yes,” Stephanie said. “But I can’t tell him about this either.”

“But you can me?”

“I’m 23,” my sister said. “The Ohio statute of limitations ran out on my 23rd birthday. And there is a counseling exception in Ohio law.”

“You two have done your homework. Well, I suspect Bethany has helped you. I suppose she and I need to have a serious talk.”

I knew that had to happen and hoped that Bethany could work things out. She had assured me everything would be OK.

“Doctor, Bethany took a lot of risk in asking if you would talk to us. She did that because she loves us. And you know how much I love her, and what I’ve done for her. She did something for me, and I hope you’ll understand.”

“I’ll deal with her,” Doctor Mercer said, but she didn’t sound vindictive or angry. “We have to figure out how to deal with the two of you. It’s going to be difficult to do individual counseling for you when you’re three hundred miles away. I assume since you’re here together, you also want joint counseling?”

“I think it’ll be necessary,” I said.

“I’m going to have to think about how to handle this, or if I CAN handle it. She didn’t tell me that Abel and Delilah were living out of state. For the moment, let’s make the assumption that I can, and that we can figure out a way to do it.”

“Thanks.”

“How accurate is Bethany’s assessment of how this came about?”

“I’d say close to perfect,” Stephanie said. “She interviewed me at length and wrote what I told her. Nothing Steve said contradicted that.”

“OK. And what prompted you to come to me with this issue?”

“We’re both struggling, seriously struggling,” I said. “Not just our mood swings, which, you may have guessed are hereditary.”

Doctor Mercer nodded, “That thought did cross my mind from our previous sessions. As well as your cryptic comments about issues you were handling without my help. I have to ask, are you two still sexually active with each other?”

I shook my head, “No. As we said, it ended more than six years ago, before I got engaged.”

“Do your wives know about this?”

“Yes. And so does Stephanie’s boyfriend.”

She looked at my sister, “Hang on! You’re dating Bethany’s brother, aren’t you?”

Stephanie nodded, “Yes, I am.”

Doctor Mercer shook her head, “Steve, you always dealt well with blunt comments, so here goes. This is NUTS. INSANE! I don’t even know what else to say about it at this point.” She took a deep breath, then let it out. “Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest.”

I smiled, “That was pretty mild, considering.”

“I suppose it was. So this is weighing so heavily on you two that you came for counseling? Or did someone insist?”

“Actually, every one of the people who know about this told me quite clearly not to do it because it was too risky. Stephanie and I decided we needed help more than we needed to avoid risk.”

“Let’s explore a bit so I have an idea of what I’m getting into. Stephanie, what struggles are you having?”

She looked at me and I nodded, “Go on, Squirt. The whole ugly, unvarnished truth.”

“Squirt?” Doctor Mercer asked.

“Short for ‘Little Squirt’,” I explained. “I called her that when she was growing up. Around age eleven or so, it was shortened. That was my pet name for her, and still is. She called me ‘big brother’, and still does.”

Doctor Mercer made some notes on her pad.

“OK. Sorry. Go ahead Stephanie.”

She reached over and grabbed my hand. I squeezed to let her know I loved her. I knew what she was going to say, because we’d talked about it so many times.

“I wanted to marry him, have his children, and live happily ever after together. I always thought he was the only man for me. If I could have made that happen, I would have. And deep inside, I still want that, even though I know it’s impossible.”

More notes on the pad.

“And when did you decide this?”

“When I was little. The first memory I have was reading some basic sex ed books when I was seven and deciding right then and there that the person I wanted to make love with was Steve. He was only eleven, but I knew. It was seven years later when we first made love.”

“And you pursued him?”

“Like a predator after her prey,” Stephanie said. “I was relentless. I knew what I wanted, and I was determined to get it. And I did. My only regret was that he had already been with other girls before me.”

That was an interesting revelation, and spoke volumes. She had wanted me to be her first, and she to be my first, and to never, ever have anyone else. Finally, after all these years, I began understand the depth of damage this had done to my sister’s psyche. And not starting at age fourteen, but at age seven.

“Steve, when did you become aware of what she wanted?”

“When she was twelve, I think. Right around then, anyway.”

“And what did you do?”

“Nothing, really. At first I tried to ignore it. Then I tried to deny it. Then, hoping that things would change, I told her I wouldn’t even think about it until she had her first period. Then, when she did later that year, I told her I wouldn’t think about it until she actually looked like a woman, instead of a little girl. That transformation happened while I was in Sweden. It took ten months after I came back before she got what she wanted.”

“Steve, I’m going to ask something that might offend you. Please do NOT be offended. It’s important that you answer me truthfully.”

“Sure.”

“Did you have ANY sexual urges or attraction to her at age twelve?”

“You mean, do I get sexual enjoyment from looking at pre-pubescent girls? No, I don’t. I never have. With regard to Stephanie, I can’t tell you exactly what I felt because my mind was clouded by the specific circumstances. But I did tell her, quite clearly, I wasn’t interested in doing it before she had developed.”

More notes on the pad.

“Good. Now, other than your sister, have you been with girls that young?”