Chapter 17: Jennifer

September 29, 1991, Milford, Ohio

“Thanks for everything, Steve,” Bethany said after I’d buckled Jesse into his car seat.

“You’re welcome. And thank you, as well. I very much enjoyed last night.”

“Me, too!” she giggled.

We hugged tightly, I kissed her, and then got into the car. I started the engine, put the car in reverse, and backed out of the driveway. With a wave, Jesse and I began our drive back to Chicago.

“I thought you and Aunt Befany weren’t kissing!” he protested.

I suppressed a chuckle. This was going to be another surreal conversation with Jesse about my sex life. I’d discussed the entire concept with Jennifer, Josie, Jessica, and Kara, and we’d all agreed that openness and complete honesty were the only way forward. Anything else was likely to create all kinds of problems in the future. And that meant some of the most bizarre conversations ever to be held between a dad and his five-year-old son.

“We didn’t!” I said.

“But you kissed her lips, not her cheek!”

“I kiss Aunt Kathy on the lips, and we don’t kiss like you mean. She only kisses Uncle Kurt that way.”

“After Aunt Befany married Uncle Nick, you never kissed her like that! Not even after he died!”

“That’s true. But today I did. But we didn’t try to make a baby!”

“You can’t! They cut you!”

It just got weirder and weirder, but that was the norm. Now I was going to discuss my vasectomy with Jesse. Again.

“I think we need to change the words you use, Jesse.”

“Why?”

“Because making babies and kissing are not the same things. Mom One told you about making babies when I had my operation, right?”

Jennifer had decided that because I wasn’t going to try to hide the fact that I was having minor surgery, she needed to make sure Jesse understood at a slightly higher level. And that had led to Kara and me talking to Birgit, and Elyse talking to Matthew. The other kids were still too young, and just knew that Daddy wasn’t feeling well.

“Yes. The boy puts his penis in the girl’s vagina and she can have a baby.”

“That’s right. And I didn’t do that with Bethany. I kissed her like you used to kiss Francesca.”

“Oh!” he said.

“And just because people kiss on the lips, doesn’t mean they try to make a baby.”

“Mom One said you don’t always make a baby when you do that. You do it because you love the person and it feels good.”

“Mom One is pretty smart!” I chuckled.

“But Mom One and Mom Two can’t make a baby!”

Uh-oh. Now I was REALLY heading into bizarro world.

“No, they can’t. But they love each other so they do things to make each other feel good.”

“How?” he asked.

I had to bail on this one. I wasn’t big on avoiding questions, but I HAD to leave the answer to this one to Jennifer.

“You need to ask Mom One and Mom Two, Jesse. I don’t see what they do.”

“I saw you and April!” he giggled.

Which meant he knew about things OTHER than putting a penis in a vagina! I was pretty sure he’d seen us do everything, though given his perch on the stairs, I probably didn’t have to explain anal sex. But I didn’t really want to explain oral sex either at this point!

“I know you did, you little turkey!”

“Mom One said I shouldn’t spy.”

“I told you Mom One was smart!”

“Why don’t you do that with Aunt Befany?”

“Because I love her and because it wouldn’t be right.”

“Because of Uncle Nick?”

“Yes.”

He was quiet for a bit. I figured he was thinking about it.

“Because you loved Uncle Nick and would never hurt him.”

“That’s exactly right, Jesse. And that’s the same reason I don’t do that with Aunt Kathy, either.”

“Because of Uncle Kurt.”

“Yes. You know how Francesca got upset because you hugged Amber? That’s because her mom is teaching her that you only are ever with one person like that.”

“Why?”

“Some people believe that’s the best way. I don’t.”

“Why?”

A common tactic of the five-year-olds everywhere - the endless string of ‘Why?’ questions!

“Because I think it’s something you can do to show how much you love someone. But you have to remember, a lot of girls will be like Francesca. If they do that with you, it means that you’re a couple and can’t ever be with anyone else.”

“Why?”

“Each person has to decide, Jesse. I can’t say for sure. I just know I don’t agree. When you get older, you have to decide what you want. And your girlfriend has to decide what she wants. And you have to agree on that. If you don’t, you’ll hurt each other.”

“Oh. I don’t want to hurt anyone!”

“Neither do I. And that’s why I didn’t do that with Aunt Bethany.”

“Good. I would be mad if you hurt her!”

“Me too, Jesse. Me too!”

September 30, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“Steve Adams, I am going to KILL you!” Jennifer said, but she was laughing.

We were in my study on Monday evening. She’d told me at dinner she needed to talk to me and I was absolutely sure what the topic was going to be. And I was right.

“Don’t look at me! All I did was have a vasectomy! YOU are the one who gave Jesse the detailed information about sex but left out a key item that you HAD to know he would eventually ask.”

“How do you tell your five-year-old son about lesbian sex?”

“Carefully?” I asked deadpan.

“Funny, but you’re right. Josie and I had a conversation with him that was very light on detail. I don’t think he needs to know THAT much at this point.”

“But you know he’ll come back to ask more questions. He always does!”

“So true! I do honestly think you handled it correctly. That is something that Josie and I need to deal with. I bet you can guess what his next question was!”

“Why you and I don’t have sex at this point?”

“Right the first time!” Jennifer said with a playful laugh. “I told him it’s because Josie and I only want to be with each other. I guess you tried to explain that concept to him.”

“I did. It was in the context of me and Bethany.”

“He said you didn’t have sex with her.”

“That’s how the whole thing got started. He saw me give her a quick kiss on the lips, you know, the way you and I do, or me and Kathy.”

Jennifer smirked, “But not like you and Melanie!”

“Nobody I don’t have sex with kisses me the way Melanie does! You and I, on VERY rare occasions, exchange a soft French kiss. Melanie tries to examine my tonsils with her tongue! Every time!”

“Why kiss Bethany on the lips? I know you started kissing her on the cheek when she took up with Nick. What changed?”

“She asked me to make love with her.”

“She’s done that before and it hasn’t changed anything.”

“This was different. She used the same phrase she used that first time we had sex back when we were fifteen. And she even invoked the same rationale - that I would be helping her the way I did that first time.”

“Oh, shit!” Jennifer breathed.

“Yeah. Exactly. That really put me in a pickle.”

“But you were smart enough not to put your pickle in her!” Jennifer teased.

“It’s not that I wasn’t tempted. It’s not that I didn’t want to. It’s that it was the wrong thing to do.”

“Then? Now? Forever?”

“The first two for sure. That last one? That was what I’d decided when Nick died, and Bethany had agreed. She’s changed her mind.”

“It’s not just the grief talking, is it?”

“No. It’s Bethany’s libido. She’s HORNY. Beyond all belief! Think about it. It’s been two years since she had sex. She managed for the year I was gone, but after that? You know her sex drive!”

Jennifer laughed, “Second only to mine and Kara’s! Even Melanie’s took a back seat. Well, and your sister’s.”

“That’s another kettle of fish. I want to talk to you about that, too. But let’s finish with Bethany first.”

“I think you need to do two things. First, be absolutely sure you’re doing what she needs you to do and being who she needs you to be.”

I nodded, “And the second one?”

“Remember that you won’t hurt Nick if you do have sex with her. He’s dead, Steve. You can’t hurt him. Or his memory.”

“Say what?”

“I know you. Somewhere deep down inside, you think having sex with her would be a betrayal of your friendship to Nick. You made yourself a promise to NEVER touch his wife in that way ever again. Get past that. THEN decide what to do. For her. And you. Nick is dead and buried.”

“Jesus, Jennifer. That sounds cold and heartless!”

“Because there are times when only being clubbed across the head with a 2x4 will get a concept through that thick skull of yours. Your sense of honor is misplaced in this case. Don’t let it make you do something stupid. If you don’t have sex with her because you think it’s best for HER sake, fine. But not doing it because of Nick is misplaced loyalty to your dead friend.”

“Damn, Jennifer!” I sighed.

“Do you feel like you’re usurping Nick’s role as a father by taking care of Nicholas as you are?”

“No, of course not! I’m Uncle Steve! He knows the difference. I’m not pretending to be his dad and he’s not pretending I am.”

“And Bethany won’t pretend you are her husband any more than you would pretend to be her husband.”

“You’ve made your point,” I said.

“Good. Now, what about your sister?”

“You know I quit seeing Doctor Bradford, right? Well I did that because he told me he felt he was missing something big, and that I might be suppressing a memory, or that something might have happened when I was too young to form a proper memory.”

“Your sister, obviously.”

“Yes, but he also said I was, in effect, a very good liar because he had no clue what it was that was missing, or that I even knew something was missing. He doesn’t know WHAT, but he assumed it had to do with sexual abuse of some kind. We ran up against Illinois’ mandatory reporting rules and because they allow for no exceptions of any kind for any reason, with no respect for the statute of limitations, I could never, ever tell him. And because of that, he had an ethical problem with continuing to treat me. He was right, of course.”

“Let me guess. You took the opportunity to rant about perverse outcomes from supposedly helpful policies.”

“Of course I did! And it was warranted. Anyway, I asked Jessica to help me, and she can, but as Bethany rightly pointed out, that’s exactly the type of dual relationship that creates huge ethical problems. I asked Bethany what she thought of me seeing Doctor Mercer, because Ohio’s laws aren’t as insane, and because the statute of limitations has expired there.”

“Statute of limitations?”

“For me being arrested for sexual assault on my sister. Five years after she turns eighteen for something that happened when she was a minor.”

“But it continued after that.”

“Did it?” I asked with an arched eyebrow.

“Sorry, no, of course it didn’t.”

“She was born in 1967. I was married in 1985. It was all before I was married.”

“Yes, it was.”

“So anyway, I asked Bethany to see what Doctor Mercer thought, but not with our names. I asked Bethany to see if Doctor Mercer would treat Abel, and possibly Delilah.”

“The names from her research paper.”

“Yes. She made sure there were no clues in her paper that could lead anyone to Stephanie and me. The convenient fiction her advisor in Madison used was that it was confessed by a man and woman of retirement age, talking about something that had happened fifty years ago. He had no idea, but that’s how he approached it with Bethany.”

“Very wise on his part.”

“Yes. Bethany said she’d think about it. I’m curious what YOU think I should do.”

“That’s a hell of a thing to drop on a girl out of the blue!”

“I could have said I wanted to take you to bed right now!” I grinned.

“As if THAT’S news!” she giggled. “You know damned well how much I want to be with you, and why I can’t.”

“I do. And you know how much I love you.”

“I do. Every single time I see Jesse, I know.”

“So?”

“Hell, I don’t know, Steve. At this point, I wish that whole sordid thing had never happened. You and her. The three of us. It was probably the biggest mistake we ever made. And Melanie and I pushed you into it.”

“You can’t push a man who willingly and knowingly jumps off the diving board into the empty pool.”

“Your initial inclination was right. To say ‘no’ and let the chips fall wherever they might have. We pushed you off that position.”

“Jen, I did it of my own free will. And yes, you and I have debated ‘Free Will’ ad nauseam, but we also agreed that we have to operate as if we have it or we’ll go nuts.”

“I suppose. But I still feel responsible. So does Melanie.”

“And so does Bethany for not putting a stop to it. The only one who hasn’t said anything like that is Kara. Once she made her peace with it, she made her peace with it. She’s so open about her sexuality and other people’s sexuality, that I’m not sure she’d find ANYTHING two people wanted to do together deviant.”

“Do you?” Jennifer smiled.

“Hmm. Deviant? No. Disgusting or something I’d never do? Yes. I’m sure you’re well aware of some of the more, well, obscure fetishes.”

Jennifer laughed, “It turns out that putting my vibrator in your butt was pretty tame, wasn’t it?”

“I told you what Elyse did, right?”

“No,” she said apprehensively.

“Put a vibrator in my butt after doing me with a strap-on, then rode me and had me fellate a dildo. While I was blindfolded. And she was still wearing the strap-on.”

Jennifer was laughing so hard she was almost in tears.

“When was this?” she gasped.

“Right after we moved to Chicago to go to school.”

Jennifer, still laughing hard, said, “So maybe me going to Stanford was a good thing! You had your horizons broadened! Does she still like to play with toys?”

“No. Since we moved into the house, I don’t think she’s had the bag of toys out more than once or twice, and that was early on. Guess what she likes now?”

“Another convert to simple, slow, sweet, missionary-position lovemaking?”

“Yep!” I grinned.

“My answer is, I don’t know. I think you would probably benefit from the help, but there are risks.”

“Life is full of risks,” I said. “I have this debate with Jessica on an almost constant basis.”

“May I make an observation? As your oldest, longest lover? Well, that you aren’t married to?”