Chapter 8

[ Rut Roh. ]

I brushed my teeth, did my morning bathroom business, and got back in the car. I was already tired from the previous evening and the two hour drive back from Jessamyn’s and I knew that if I took a shower before heading over to Heather and Emmy’s house that I would slow down and barely be able to function.

I also didn’t want to postpone whatever was coming. I felt numb.

Heather looked livid, but she did offer me coffee as soon as I stepped inside her house. I needed it.

“Emmy’s told me everything. Not all of the details, but enough.”

I walked in and stood at one end of the kitchen in Heather’s house, Heather on the other end. Emmy was sitting on a chair at the breakfast table.

“I don’t know what to think about the sex stuff, but the drinking and lying has me furious,” said Heather.

“Mom, we didn’t have sex,” said Emmy with a plaintive voice.

“Darrien, just three days ago, or four, whatever, you gave this wonderful speech about how you would never hurt Emmy. And I find out that the week before you got her drunk enough that she threw up. And spending the night with three teen girls? Is this like some sort of young girl harem fantasy night or something?”

“Heather, I did mean what I said at the market. I do care about Emmy and I don’t ever want to hurt her.”

“So you show it by a bunch of lies? I thought she looked a little under the weather that evening when she came back from the volleyball tourney, but I thought it was maybe too much sun or junk food or maybe a virus. But I find out she lied to me about what she was doing and worse, you were complicit.”

“Mom, me and Lin did stay over with Addy. When Addy called, she was telling the truth.”

“But not all of the truth. That’s what burns me the most. The lies. And from you, Darrien. If I didn’t trust Jenn’s judgement so much about you, I would not even be talking with you right now. And from the times I came over and visited when Jenn disappeared, I thought you were pretty decent. More than decent, in fact.”

“Darrien didn’t take advantage of the situation, Mom! In fact, he helped me out when my feelings were hurt by Addy and Lin. He didn’t fuck anyone, and he could have, and he could have really been selfish. But he didn’t, he took care of me when I was sick, and he cleaned up after me, and he held me when I cried. I don’t think Addy and Lin were being cruel to me, they were just having fun with each other and I was left out. Darrien didn’t ignore me.”

“Ok, so maybe you do have a bit of good in you,” said Heather, looking straight at me. “But do you know how many of my friends have kids with drug or alcohol problems, and here you are supplying them with booze?”

That hit me hard. I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose with my fingers. I stayed quiet for a few seconds, thinking.

“Yeah, that was not right,” I finally said. “In fact, it was stupid. I don’t think all of the laws in this country are fair, but there are good reasons for restricting drinking.”

“The only thing I can say in my defense is that I’ve never had anyone close to me with a drinking problem. I’ve been lucky. When I was a teen my parents would let me have a small, and I mean small, bit of wine with dinner. For them, a glass of wine or a beer with dinner was part of the meal or maybe part of a celebration. I never saw them drunk. And when I grew older I never wanted to get drunk. There were a few times when I did, accidentally, and I learned from it.”

“And since I don’t have any kids I haven’t had to think about them getting experience with alcohol. I just assume everyone has the same attitude and approach as me. I’ve been ignorant, but I won’t do it again. I still think it’s ok for teens to have a little bit of alcohol and learn about it and push the boundaries now and then, but I will respect whatever your wishes are for Emmy.”

“And Lin, and Addy, although I don’t know her,” said Heather.

“You’d like her, I think,” said Emmy. “She has attitude, just like you, Mom.”

“And what about this Jessamyn? Who owns the condo? You were with her last night? This is what upset Emmy. She eventually opened up and started telling me things.”

I sighed, not for the first time that day.

“We have much to talk about. So much,” I said. “And I promise you, I will tell you everything. Nothing will be held back, nothing at all. If you never want me around again, I’ll understand.”

“Did you sleep with Jessamyn?” asked Heather. “Did you fuck her?”

“Yes,” I said simply.

I didn’t want to look at Emmy’s face, but I did. She looked as crestfallen as I expected.

“So this is your idea of not hurting Emmy,” said Heather. “Is she your girlfriend? Or a friend with benefits or something like that?”

I sighed yet again.

“Jess is not my girlfriend. I hadn’t seen her in over two years. We do have a history. I slept with her years ago ... actually both Jenn and I slept with her, at the same time. I don’t know how much Jenn and you talked before she disappeared, but we shared everything, and that includes partners. I wouldn’t call ourselves swingers, although I guess technically we were, just every now and then we would invite another girl, or a couple, over for a fun night or weekend. And to be clear, when I say fun, I mean there would be sexual fun, in addition to a hiking trip, or a barbecue, or a night out at the brewpub, or whatever else we did.”

“If it’s not obvious, I’m not monogamous. Neither was Jenn. We always shared, though, we never had someone ‘on the side’. Although that may not have been the case when she disappeared, as I’ve found out.”

I stared into my coffee cup.

“Last night, with Jess, I showed her the letter from Jenn, and we talked and all of the tension from the letter and the mysterious stuff from the last couple of weeks ... well, we ended up in bed.”

I looked back up.

“Heather, you don’t have to answer, but after you and Kurt broke up, were there a few times where you wanted to sleep with him, even though you didn’t want to be around him, maybe because you remember how good you used to feel with him, or just wanted that comfort of a familiar body next to you in bed?”

Heather nodded slightly.

There was silence for three or four seconds.

“So what about Emmy?” asked Heather. “You can see she cares about you. Is she just someone to have a little extra fun with, someone really young and cute?”

“As I said before, I care about Emmy,” I said. “Deeply.”

“Do you love her?” asked Heather.

The question shocked me, just as if Heather had suddenly bitch slapped me. I paused for a second.

“See,” said Heather, turning to Emmy. “He...”

“Yes,” I said, calmly and firmly, interrupting Heather.

Heather looked back at me, mouth open.

I didn’t say anything else. I surprised myself realizing how calm I felt.

I waited.

“Darrien, what do you mean by that?” asked Heather.

“I mean exactly what I said. I love Emmy.”

“But she’s less than half your age, and you haven’t known her that well for very long,” said Heather.

“Yup. So let me explain. I don’t mean it like I’m a teenage boy, where my hormones are raging and I can only think about being around my pretty girlfriend and nothing else. Well, actually, there’s a bit of hormones going and Emmy is damned attractive.”

I paused for a few seconds.

“Heather, you’re experienced enough to know when you really love someone, not just have the hots for someone, that you’ll do anything for that person. Even if that person doesn’t reciprocate. Or if the best thing for that person is to not be with you, you’ll accept it. You’ll do whatever makes sense for them, sacrifice when needed, be available even if it’s not about you. I’m sure some of this happened with you and Kurt.”

“I’m at that point with Emmy. I don’t know where everything will end up, but I’ll be there for the long term. I expect Emmy will grow out of her attraction to me, maybe sooner than later and that’s fine. I’ll still be around and available.”

“That sounds real noble,” said Heather. “Would you say the same thing about Lin, or even Addy, that you love them?”

“No,” I said. “I care a lot about Lin, and even Addy, although I don’t know her very well, and would do anything for them, but it’s not the same. In a lot of ways. There’s something special between me and Emmy, a little bit of what I had with Jenn.”

Emmy’s expressions had run through a full range of emotions over the last few minutes, from hurt to surprise to serious. She spoke up.

“Mom, I want Darrien to be my first. My first lover. In every way.”

“Emmy, I thought that ship might have sailed, with what you’ve already told me. Have you had sex?”

“No,” said Emmy.

“Yes,” I said at exactly the same time.

“Well, he gave me my first orgasm,” said Emmy, “umm, along with Lin, and many more since then. He’s really good at ... well, oral, and with his fingers, and making me feel good all over. And the way he sexy talks is just wonderful. But we haven’t had, umm, sex. I mean, we haven’t fucked.”

Heather looked at me.

“I think of sex as all of it,” I said. “So sex, yeah, just no intercourse. And we’ve already talked about pregnancy and STDs.”

“You still want Darrien even after he slept last night with Jessamyn?” Heather asked Emmy.

“Yes,” she replied.

“I need some time to think this through,” said Heather. “I already called in to work to take the day off. Darrien, I’d like you to stay here for a while.”

“I wouldn’t mind something light for breakfast,” I said. “And this is good coffee. I’d like some more, please.”

We talked. All of us. Details were shared. The evening in the condo after the Seaside tournament. The mysterious text messages. My conversation with Jessamyn. I showed Heather the letter to me from Jenn.

“My god,” said Heather. “She ... I guess you two are even more alike than I thought.”

I didn’t say anything in response.

“Did Jessamyn know anything? Was she able to add anything?” asked Heather.

“Not really,” I replied.

“So the hurried drive up to Cannon Beach, the conversation with Jess, the, uh, extra activities with her, none of that brings us closer to knowing what happened to Jenn?”

“No,” I said, “But I had to talk with her in case she did know something.”

“Could Alvaro have been involved in Jenn’s disappearance?” asked Emmy.

“I have no idea,” I said. “At minimum the police would be really interested in talking with him, much more than they have already.”

“Should we contact them?” asked Heather.

“We could. Well, I could. But I’d have to tell them why to start checking into Alvaro. I’d have to show them the letter from Jenn. Which means Jessamyn will be pulled into the case. And think about this -- at some point something will get out to the media, no matter how careful the investigators are about keeping this under wraps. There has not been any significant progress in the case for years, so if all of a sudden activity perks up, someone, maybe a reporter will notice and start digging into it. I can guarantee I won’t say anything relating to Lin or Emmy or Addy, but others might talk or notice. The last thing I want is for them to be featured on some sensationalistic TV show.”

I stopped for a second and thought.

“Attention will be focused again on me. Besides Alvaro being under suspicion, I’ll immediately be considered again as possibly hurting Jenn because I was jealous of Alvaro. Even though I had no idea about Alvaro, there’s no way to prove that.”

I took a deep breath and thought some more before talking again.

“Another thing -- I trust Jenn’s judgement in people. Completely. She was very rarely wrong about someone. Which means that I have a hard time, a really hard time believing that Alvaro could hurt Jenn. Which means if he’s innocent we’re bringing all kinds of trouble into his life. He would instantly be a suspect, in all kinds of ways. The obvious one of a possible spurned suitor, plus the biases many have of someone born to immigrants. That’s not to mention the underage aspect.”

“We need to talk to Alvaro,” said Heather.

“I agree. That’s what I said at Jessamyn’s, too. Well, what I said to Jess is that I need to talk to Alvaro. I wasn’t thinking of a group talking to him.”

“You need to talk to him first, then more of us. I think we need more than one mind at work on this,” said Heather.

Silence reigned for a few seconds.

“Should we go to Oribe Produce, or call there to see if we can talk to him?” asked Heather.

“I don’t think so,” I said. “We need to talk in person, and driving out to the farm seems ... well, think about me, or all of us, knocking on the farm house door, or wandering around the fields asking for Alvaro, then plopping this letter down in front of him and asking him what happened. And I can’t imagine leaving a voicemail saying ‘Hey, come over to my house. We have something important to talk about’. We need a better way to start a conversation.”

Emmy piped up. “We need to talk to him at the farmers market. It’s kind of like neutral ground.”

I looked at her.

“I like that suggestion, Emmy.”

“Three days from now,” said Heather. “That’s helpful, gives us more time to discuss this. I hope he’s there this weekend, I don’t want to wait an extra week or two.”

I woke up to a foot pressed against my groin. Since I didn’t have any clothes on, the toes were jiggling my testicles and penis. Warm water enveloped me up to my shoulders.