Chapter 7

[ _Shākh dar āvordam. Literally “I grew horns” in Farsi. Loosely translated it means “I’m in shock”._ ]

“Darrien, what’s so urgent that you couldn’t wait until this weekend? You call me this afternoon and you’re here two hours later. Well, less than two. Which means you left your house right away.”

Jessamyn and I had just ordered a snack at Angeline’s, a bar and grill in Cannon Beach within close walking distance of Jessamyn’s condo. It has excellent seafood, a good view of the Pacific Ocean, an eclectic mix of jazz playing softly on the audio system, servers that know their business, and menu prices surprisingly reasonable. Not that seafood is ever cheap on the West Coast, contrary to the assumption of many visitors.

“And this is lucky timing,” she continued. “I’ve only been back in town two days.”

I sighed and looked away. I was in turmoil on the drive north, going through the permutations and ramifications of Jenn’s letter. I didn’t know if I could put any coherent thoughts together yet.

“Jess, I’ll show you a letter to me from Jenn in a few minutes. My mind is still racing.”

“Ohhhh kay. What do we talk about until you get yourself together?”

“Tell me what you’ve been doing the last two years.” It had been that long since I had seen Jessamyn.

“You know that I went back to school and finished my medical degree after I left Dyna G,” she said.

“Yeah, I remember that,” I said. “Remind me, did you get tired of doing research work?”

“Partly,” Jessamyn said. “I may return to it when I’m older. For now I just want to do something more active, something that involves a lot more people than just my co-workers.”

Jessamyn took a bite of food, then continued.

“I did some of the usual physician work around in the Northwest for a while, but it wasn’t all that satisfying. So for the last year and a half I’ve been working for Doctors Without Borders. It doesn’t pay much, but I haven’t needed a salary since I sold my Dyna G shares.”

“That sounds exciting,” I said.

“Sometimes, but now I’m considering doing some work for a clinical group based in a far northern region of Alaska. It would let me work for a month, take off for a month, or alternate every two months if I want. Lots of flexibility. And I understand that I would get to do a variety of work, everything from seeing patients to ER duty to visiting Inuit villages. I like that.”

I nodded, realizing how well that fit her personality.

“Also, it pays better. I have a lot of money in various savings and investments, but it’s nice to have that additional income.”

I asked about her family, mentioning the photos I had seen in her condo, and my assumptions about having two brothers was confirmed. I also asked about mutual friends from DynaGenetics that she may have stayed in contact with, and she updated me with what she knew.

Finally I could put it off no longer.

“Jess, I found this letter on Jenn’s laptop. Well, actually, some friends helped figure out the password to the file. I printed a hard copy for you to read.”

I handed the letter across the table to Jessamyn.

D. This is the hardest letter I’ve ever written.

We’ve always shared everything. Everything. And we’ve always been open with each other. Completely open.

But I’ve kept something from you for a week now, and it’s time to talk to you. I don’t know if I will show you this letter, or if I’m just writing it for practice or to focus my thoughts.

Alvaro has been taking care of our yard and garden this summer. You’ve met him. He’s hard working, bright, and motivated. His yard work is a summer business he put together, and he’s planning on attending college when he graduates high school, and he’ll probably graduate sooner than most of his peers.

He’s also a lot of fun to talk with and really hot. While you’ve been gone on this last business trip we’ve become friendlier. To the point where I want him. Sexually. But D, we’ve always shared those kind of thoughts and actions between us.

This normally wouldn’t be a problem for us. I’d tell you right away, even if you were out of town, and we’d make an invite or work something out. But I didn’t want to bring this up with you remotely and now you’ve been home three days and I still haven’t talked with you. I realize that it can’t wait much longer.

You know he’s young. I haven’t asked his age, but he’s probably sixteen.

I talked about some of this with Jessamyn, but didn’t mention too many specifics, like how young he is.

I have to tell you. It’s gone farther than just attraction. It can’t be a secret from you much longer. I just hope, so much, that you understand, and we can work through this. I think we can. Maybe like we have with others. I love you.

J11

Jessamyn’s eyes went wide with surprise. She started to say something, then stopped. She started once more, but again stopped.

Finally she said “Darrien, I had no idea. At least not about this.”

Jessamyn paused for a couple of seconds.

“I knew there was something bothering her, a lot, when she called me. She did tell me there was another guy she couldn’t stop thinking about, but she didn’t tell me he was that young. I assumed she was concerned for the usual reasons, that you would be jealous of another guy. I thought that maybe you were only comfortable with sharing her with other girls and not with a guy.”

“But that seemed odd to me. We became really close, the three of us that weekend at Methow, and stayed close afterwards, and I remember you saying you were fine with couples as well as girls. So it didn’t make much sense to me that you would be jealous of another guy.”

“She mentioned there was something else that was stressing her a lot, but didn’t say what it was. I was out of town when she disappeared and by the time I returned I didn’t have anything specific to tell the investigators. They were already looking into all possible connections to Jenn, male and female.”

Jessamyn paused again.

“That was my last conversation with her. I miss her, Darrien. A lot. And I wish I could add something that would help solve her disappearance.”

I could see tears starting to form in Jessamyn’s eyes. I felt mine start to fill.

“Let’s get out of here,” I said. “Can we go back to your condo?”

“Yes.”

I paid the bill and we started the walk back to her place.

Jessamyn didn’t say anything while we slowly walked. Apparently she was also working through the implications. Finally she spoke up.

“Darrien, in the letter Jenn says you were back from a trip for three days and she still hadn’t told you about Alvaro. Do you know what period she’s talking about?”

“I think so. The file was last modified August seventeenth. I checked my calendar before I left my house tonight and I had returned from a business trip on the fourteenth. So those dates are consistent. She disappeared on August twenty second, eight days after I came home. But I don’t remember anything really sticking out about her behavior during that time. If I had I would have told the investigators. If she was really stressed or preoccupied I don’t remember it.”

We arrived at the condo and Jessamyn let us in.

“It wasn’t like her to hold back important information, even stuff that was unpleasant. Specially for a whole week. That part doesn’t make sense.”

We made ourselves comfortable on the sectional sofa. Not a single thought of my last experience on it went through my mind.

“Part of the problem is that I was really busy on some of my consulting related work. By busy, I mean that I was the one super stressed, or so I thought, because one of my clients was having bad problems. And what I mean by bad is that it was threatening their survival as a business. So during this period I was barely paying attention to Jenn and whatever was happening with her.”

I sighed and shook my head.

“I’ve always had some guilt about it. Jenn gave up her future at Dyna G partly because of the strain it was putting on our relationship, and then maybe I was doing the same, to the point that I wasn’t noticing anything about her. When she disappeared, I knew how much more important she was to me than any client I might have. Maybe if I had paid more attention to her in the week before she disappeared that she would be here now. Maybe she was the one needing help, not me, and I was oblivious.”

Jessamyn moved closer so that our legs touched, and she touched my arm.

“But you didn’t know that, Darrien. It’s easy to look back and think ‘I should have done this’ or ‘I should have done that’. But that doesn’t do any good, it only causes unneeded guilt. And you were a good, attentive partner for Jenn. I know that, because I saw it.”

Jessamyn snuggled closer, draping one arm across my chest.

“Jess, you told me what Jenn said to you. But what did you say to Jenn?” I asked.

“I don’t remember the exact words, so I’m going to paraphrase. It was something like ‘Jenn, have you stopped loving Darrien?’ And she said ‘No. I love him just as much as ever, probably even more.’”

A stab of emotion hit me. I felt my eyes start to fill again.

“I then asked her ‘Have you stopped wanting him sexually? Are you bored or something?’ and she replied with ‘No. We’ve never been bored and we’re not bored now. I still want to fuck him as often as I can.’ So I asked her ‘What is the problem, then? Do your usual, talk to Darrien, if he’s cool with it invite this guy to join. If anyone says no, then shrug it off. I’m sure that’s happened before.’ And she said ‘It’s complicated.’”

Jessamyn shook her head back and forth. “Now I know what she meant by complicated.”

“At least part of the complication,” I said. “I still don’t think we know all of it.” I paused. “And you still have no clue what else was stressing her?” I asked.

“Nope.”

I stared out the condo picture window at the now dark evening sky, but I was not seeing anything.

“Jess, I so miss her, so fucking much.”

My tears were freely flowing, and Jessamyn started softly sniffling. Jessamyn’s lush, full bodied, curly dark brunette hair nestled softly against my cheek, bringing back memories of that first weekend with me and Jenn and her at the cabin so many year ago.

A few minutes later I felt Jessamyn’s lips whisper softly in my ear.

“Deltangam.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It’s Persian slang, literally ‘my heart is tight’. It means longing for someone or something.”

A few minutes later I heard Jessamyn whisper again.

“If you want, stay over. We can do anything you’d like.”

Two months ago that would have been the end of the conversation and we would have moved to the bedroom. Or I would have left.

But two months ago I didn’t know about the letter from Jenn. And two months ago was pre Love Scouts.

A lot had changed.

I disengaged and looked straight at Jessamyn.

“Jess, there’s more to this, strange things that have happened recently. You already know about this letter from Jenn and please don’t tell anyone without talking with me first. I completely trust you to be discreet. But I have more to tell you.”

“ ... and that’s not the only mysterious messages. I had three more texts the night I was here at your condo.”

“This is getting more interesting and strange by the second,” said Jessamyn.

“Like I said earlier, yesterday a couple of friends helped break the code, realized the texts together might form a password. And they did. Which is how I opened the letter from Jenn.”

“Who are these friends? Some computer type friends?”

“No, both of them are girls, neither of them computer experts. But they are smart, in different ways,” I said.

Jessamyn processed the information for a few seconds, then angled her head.

“Darrien, I know you had a guest when you stayed at my condo. And I’m glad you did, you know that I don’t mind. Was your guest one of the girls?”

“Yes, but how did you know someone slept over?” I asked.

“Oh, the faint scent in my bed. It was a definitely a female scent, a hint of perfume, so I assume a woman, although I’m fine if you had a guy over. But I don’t think that would be you.”