Chapter 16

“When we die, do we haunt the sky?
Do we lurk in the murk of the seas?
What, then? Are we born again?
Just to sit asking questions like these?
I know, for I told me so,
And I’m sure each of you quite agrees:
The more it stays the same, the less it changes!”
-Spinal Tap, “The Majesty of Rock“

Susan Bailey and Generalissimo Hernando Ramirez had just passed through the gates and were on the circular drive to the main entrance of Castle Finzione when word came that Contessa Helena de San Finzione was regaining consciousness. When Ramirez told his driver to take them to the hospital, Susan asked him to stop the car and let her out here. Knowing that she and La Contessa had some personal issues between them, Ramirez instructed the driver to do so before racing away, lights and sirens active.

Susan walked up to the main entrance. The palace guards now knew that she was a visiting friend of Contessa-In-Reggenza Maria’s, and Jeanne came to escort her to the Palace Wing; where Contessa Maria was in the study.

Neither of the two of them spoke a common language, so the relative silence in which they walked gave Susan time enough on the journey through the castle to notice that Jeanne kept a perfectly steady pace. Susan would fall a couple of steps behind or gain a few periodically, but Jeanne was somehow able to maintain a precise walking speed the entire time. Susan would have asked her about it, if she’d been able.

She entered the study and saw Maria seated at a desktop computer. Behind her was a tall, muscular, young man who was Maria’s age; whom Susan knew to be Stavro Poldouris from Maria’s “personal friends only” Facebook page. Stavro’s picture and name were never shown on the public “Lady Maria de San Finzione” page.

Maria excitedly waved them over to the computer.

“Jeanne, Susan! Come, Great-Grandmama is waking up!”

They walked over to the desk. Jeanne stood behind Stavro and Maria as Susan noticed that Maria was at the computer where Helen sat when they talked over Skype, and where Helen made her video.

“Now I know why it took her so long to come to the computer the first time I called,” Susan said as she leaned against the desk. She reasoned that walking around Castle Finzione qualified as cardio. “Have you guys thought of getting some golf carts or Segways in here?”

“Si, it has been tried,” Maria replied without looking away from the screen. “They ruined carpets or had trouble braking and cornering on the marble floors. Great-Grandmama prefers to run if she is in a hurry.”

Susan looked over at the screen. Contessa Helena de San Finzione’s hospital bed could be seen on the monitor. She’d been strapped into the bed to avoid her panicking and tearing stitches when she awoke. A brace also held her left arm and shoulder in place until they could be examined more carefully. Doctors and nurses were coming in as Helen began moving her head.

Maria moved the mouse, and the camera turned. On the other side of the glass, separating them from the sterile environment that she was being kept in, Troy and Julie Equals stood watching. Troy noticed the camera pointing at them, waved, and nudged Julie. Julie turned and her lips formed into the kind of smile she hadn’t been able make them move into all day. She waved as well before pointing to Helena and turning to face her again. Susan got a better sense of how big Castle Finzione was when she saw Ramirez run in behind them and realized he must have just arrived as well.

The camera was turned back toward Helen, whose eyes were now open and filling with light. She opened her mouth and screamed. The doctor and three nurses rushed to hold her down when she began thrashing in the restraints. Confusion spread across Maria’s face while she watched them hold her down and start saying her name soothingly. Susan saw her confusion.

“I’m guessing you’ve never seen anyone wake up from surgery before, Maria?” She shook her head no. Susan turned back to the screen. “TV gets it wrong on purpose. You might want to mute it.”

“NO!” Contessa Helena de San Finzione screamed. “NONOFUCKYOUYEAHNO! WHAT THE FUCKARE YOU? GETTHEFUCKOFFME! LET ME OUT OF HERE!”

As Maria took Susan’s advice, everyone standing outside the room watched as the hospital staff stepped back from Helen. They then started working on Helen’s restraints.

Julie saw what they were doing and pounded on the glass again, giant spider-web cracks now spreading out from where she’d been pounding it all night, her fists starting to leave spots of blood behind.

She yelled out loud to the people in the room with Helen.

“DO NOT LET HER OUT! SHE IS DELIRIOUS! IGNORE EVERYTHING SHE SAYS AND TEND TO HER!”

They let go of the restraints and went back to examining Helen. Her head turned and she saw Julie through the forest of arms and torsos. A smile crossed Helena’s face before she opened her mouth to speak.

“YOU FUCKING SKANKY COW! YOU’RE BEHIND ALL THIS! MY LAST PRANK DIDN’T GET ANYBODY STABBED, BITCH!”

Julie smiled, even to hear that. Helena turned to Troy, tears streaming down her face. Someone prepared a syringe as the medical staff ignored her words.

“TROY,” she half-screamed/half-cried. “SUSAN’S A SMART, BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, SEXY LADY AND I’M SORRY I WAS SUCH A CUNT TO HER! I WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT SO BAD, BECAUSE YOU TWO LOVE HER, SO OF COURSE I DO TOO!”

Her head turned toward Ramirez as the syringe pierced her arm. She wanted to look back at the warm glow starting to spread through her body, but this was important.

“BOMB, HERNANDO! MINISTRY OF SCIENCE!” The glow was washing over her more heavily as she spoke. “Got to evacuate ... SPRINGHEEL, Ramirez! It’s all ... about ... Spr...”

The last thing that Contessa Helena de San Finzione saw clearly before blacking out was Generalissimo Hernando Ramirez hurriedly pulling out his phone. She turned toward the rapidly-blurring rough Julie-like shape and gave a little smile before the shape, too, fell into blackness.

Back at Castle Finzione, they watched the muted scene before Maria turned to Jeanne.

“I’m going to need to speak to reporters soon, Jeanne,” Maria told her in French, leaving Susan out of the conversation again.

Jeanne looked La Contessa-In-Reggenza over in what appeared to Susan a very methodical and mechanical way. Jeanne said a few words, some of which Susan recalled from 9th grade French, mostly the words for “your,” “face,” “time,” and “wear.” She said the words very slowly and carefully, making Susan think of the computer on the original Star Trek series, when Kirk would ask it a question and it would reply “Working,” followed by a couple of seconds of computer noises and the answer.

Sensing that she was no longer part of things, Susan idly looked around the room. She scanned some of the titles on the bookshelves and the Blu-Ray rack. From the sound of the conversation, everyone was getting ready to leave the room and put Maria into something suitable for facing the press. Susan made her way over toward one of the walls before Maria turned to see her admiring the décor.

“Susan,” Maria said, switching to English, and turning to see her looking at the brickwork on one of the walls. “I am sorry that I have been unable to be a good hostess and show you around the castle.”

Susan turned to her and smiled.

“Hey, I get that I’m here on what’s probably the busiest day of your life. I can’t imagine you’d need anything from me, but if so, just tell me what to do.” Susan said, pressing on one of the stones in the wall and causing a concealed panel to open, revealing a button. She pressed the button and part of the wall slid away to reveal hidden stairs.

Maria, Jeanne, and Stavro looked at her in amazement. She turned back to the sudden silence and saw the three of them staring at her.

“Sorry,” Susan said. “I’ve never been in a castle before today. Is finding your secret passages bad manners?”

“How did you know where that was?” Maria asked. “Only Great-Grandmama, Jeanne, and I know about the passage to Jeanne and La Contessa’s bedrooms. Did she tell you?”

“No,” she replied, just as confused as Maria. “I mean, I didn’t know about it. I just figured this is a castle, so there’s gotta be secret passages, right? It just ... seemed like a good place for one. Like, maybe I made my Find Secret Doors roll just now.”

Maria shook her head.

“We shall discuss it later. I must go make ready to speak to cameras. Feel free to walk around, the only area that is strictly off-limits are the dungeons, though I’m sure Great-Grandmama would not want you snooping in her bedroom,” Maria said, virtually guaranteeing Susan’s next destination. “Jeanne will be back afterwards to show you to your room.” She walked over and gave Susan a big hug and a kiss on both cheeks. “I am happy that you are here, Susan.”