Chapter 27

“You ready?” Joe asked before we got out of the car.

I wasn’t. Everything about school reminded me of Sam. It was like asking me if was ready to have someone hit my broken hand with a hammer. You’re never ready for something like that, but I nodded anyway to get us moving.

Bethany and Mark were waiting at the edge of the parking lot. I got my book bag and slung it over my shoulder and headed toward them with Joe at my side. He kept his arm around my shoulder the whole way which was about the only thing keeping me moving.

“Hey,” Bethany whispered when we caught up to them.

“How are you feeling? You eat anything this morning?” I asked. I don’t know why they called it morning sickness because she’d been throwing up all weekend.

“Crackers and Ginger Ale. The breakfast of champions.” Her grim smile answered my question better than her words. “I’ll survive. How about you?”

I thought I was cried out after a week, but I was wrong. Maybe my body had decided to pee out of my eyes. I wiped my face again and sucked in my cheeks to keep myself under control. “Let’s go.”

The people in the hallways who looked at me with pity pissed me off. None of them knew me. In their eyes I was defined by my loss, not by who I really was or even who Sam had been. The anger kept me from crying, so I used it.

I held it together until I saw Simon waiting near my homeroom. He saw me the same time I saw him, but I also saw him shoot a wary glance at Mark. My feet moved faster without conscious thought. He opened his arms to me as I reached him.

We didn’t speak for a while. He just held me. Ordinarily, some officious teacher would come break up public displays of affection. My homeroom teacher saw us but merely pinched her lips and nodded.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” Simon whispered.

“Don’t worry. I understand. I barely moved off the couch the whole week.” He let me go and we looked at each other. “One day at a time.”

“One day at a time,” he answered me and then nodded at Joe, Bethany, and Mark. “Hey.”

“Guys, this is Simon. He was Sam’s best friend,” I said as I turned. Simon kept his hand on my shoulder. Mark glanced at it and frowned for a second.

“Simon, this is my brother, Joe, and his best friend Mark. And this is my friend Bethany.” She blinked when I didn’t call her my best friend, but I didn’t care, despite all of us spending the weekend together.

Nothing felt the same. All the things that had seemed so important a week ago were laughable now. Homework? A school dance? Sophie and Dan? Mark and Lydia? It barely seemed real compared to what I was going through. My eyes were open to how hollow and fake everything was.

While Simon accepted their condolences with a nod, I kept my mouth shut. There was no point in disrupting the social circus going on. All we needed were some clowns, I thought, except clowns were fake, too. Just creepy old carnies with painted faces. My foul mood was spilling out all over.

Bethany gave me a quick hug and headed toward the bathroom with her hand over her mouth. Joe dragged Mark away after telling me to find him if I wanted to go home early. Then I turned to face Simon again.

He pierced me with a look that echoed everything I was feeling. I know it was wrong, but part of me was glad that someone else understood. Still, I didn’t want to lead him on. Starting something because we both had loved the same person was a bad idea.

“Thanks for coming to check on me this morning.” I held my book bag against my chest like a shield between us.

“Want me to save you a seat at lunch?” I think he knew the answer before I shook my head. “I understand.” He looked away and began to walk off.

“Simon.” I forced him to look in my eyes. “Be patient with me. Let’s take some time and get to know each other better. We’re both too raw right now.”

I saw a little spark of hope in his eyes when he nodded. “You’re right. If we did anything now we’d just be trying to fill the hole Sam left.”

“Exactly.” By putting my fear into words, he helped to banish it a little. I stood on my toes to kiss his cheek. “Thanks again for checking on me. I’ll see you around.”

“I’ll be looking for you,” he said with a sad smile.

The rest of the day was a mix of ordinary boredom and crushing pain. I sat with Bethany at lunch. We continued to search for a way back to something like friendship. Joe came by long enough to check on me, then left me to go our afternoon classes. I saw Mark a couple of times, but he just avoided my eyes.

When I got back home I was exhausted. I skipped dinner to go to sleep instead. That was the first night I didn’t dream I was in the plane with Sam while it fell forever and never hit the ground. When I woke early, my back hurt from sleeping in the same position all night. I stared at the ceiling until my alarm went off, thinking of nothing and everything.

As the week progressed, I began to come out of the worst of it. I started to participate in class again. My appetite returned a little. The Sam-shaped hole inside was still there, but maybe it wasn’t bleeding as much.

One thing that struck me was that Joe hadn’t picked up a new what’s-her-name since being grounded. He seemed content to hang out with Bethany and me. Sometimes Mark would come over, but mostly it was the three of us hanging out, doing homework, or watching TV until Mom and Dad came home each night.

On Friday, I was having lunch with Bethany when she got quiet for a while. I wasn’t feeling talkative, so I just ate in silence.

“Steph,” she said at last. “Would it be okay if I stayed over tonight?”

I studied her while I finished chewing. “So you can hook up with Joe?” She wouldn’t meet my eyes, but shook her head no. “Then why?”

Her eyes shimmered when she looked up at me. “My dad keeps bringing home movies for us. I thought maybe we could watch something fun. Like we used to.”

I tried to remember the last time we’d done that. It was right after Mark had kissed me the first time. Two months? Had it only been two months?

Bethany shifted uncomfortably. “If you don’t want to—”

“No.” I tried to reach back in time to find that light-hearted, fun person I used to be. It felt like tickling my fingertips against something just out of reach. “I think I’d like that, Bee.”

My pet name for her had just slipped out. Her eyes opened wide. “Really?”

I was broken. There was a hole inside me. But in that moment all the jagged bits inside stopped shifting around. I could suddenly breathe easier. Bethany wasn’t asking if she could really stay the night. She was asking if I was really able to call her Bee again.

She had hurt me. There was a time I had thought her betrayal was the worst pain in the world, but I was wrong. I thought Mark picking Lydia over me was worse, and maybe it was, but losing Sam had shown me what real pain was. The kind that takes your breath away and never gives it all back. Calling her Bee again, forgiving her, let me snatch a breath back from old man death.

“I think so, yeah.”

She reached across the table to clutch my hand in both of hers. Her old smile returned slowly and I could feel my own lips pulling to answer. “Oh my God, I missed you so much. I was such an idiot. I’m sorry I screwed everything up.”

If she hadn’t screwed up, I might never have known Sam. I might never have learned what love feels like. And despite the pain, I was a better person for having loved Sam.

“Forgiven,” I whispered to her. “I missed you, too.”

We finished our lunches and parted with a deep hug. It made me feel lighter to let go of the pain between us. I was actually looking forward to hanging out with her again.

After school, Joe must have noticed a change in my mood because he was giving me odd glances all the way home. When we pulled in the driveway, he finally just asked me.

“So what changed?”

“What hasn’t?” I took a deep breath. “I notice you’re celibate these days.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I didn’t realize there was one.”

“You’re more ... something.” He squinted his eyes at me.