Chapter 7: Bethany

March 4, 1990, Chicago, Illinois

“Well?” Kara asked with a smirk as she, Jessica, and I sat down to a quiet dinner in the ‘Indian’ room.

“About as wild as could be. I was more than a little concerned by Abbie’s plan, but in the end, when she told me why, it made perfect sense.”

“What was her reasoning?” Jessica asked.

“She felt that it had to be raw sex and nothing more, because otherwise Becka would never have left.”

Kara giggled, “Abbie seems to get smarter every day.”

“I never had a question about that,” Jessica said. “That girl could easily get a graduate degree in pretty much anything she wanted. But she doesn’t want to. She didn’t know what she was looking for in life until she met Steve. Now she does.”

“And that’s what?” Kara asked.

“A place where she’s loved and accepted, and the freedom to be herself. This place; this is where she belongs. She knows that now. And you can count on her being our nanny for as long as we need her.”

“What then?” I asked.

“That will be up to her, but we’re never going to ask her to leave.”

“No, we’re not,” I agreed.

“You realize that might be the last time she sleeps with you, don’t you?” Jessica asked. “I don’t think so, but it could very well be.”

I hadn’t thought about it, but Abbie had made the comment, which I’d thought referred only to Becka, that there were other guys out there. I wondered if she was telegraphing something more.

“It could be,” I agreed.

March 10, 1990, Milford, Ohio

“Jess told me what you’re doing,” I chuckled.

“I would have thought you’d have figured it out yourself,” Doctor Mercer said with a smile.

“I can be pretty dense at times. But I think in this case I was so worried about Bethany that I didn’t give much thought to what you were doing.”

“And how are you doing?”

“Good. As I told you, we’ve been having those Rap Sessions discussing death and dying, plus I’ve been talking to you both in person and on the phone. And I’ve talked to Bethany both in person and on the phone. I guess I would say I’m at peace with the concept, but angry with the sailor who murdered my friend.”

“And THAT is perfectly OK, so long as the anger doesn’t consume you.”

I shook my head, “It’s not consuming, but given the opportunity, I’d like to resolve the issue personally.”

“That’s the same thing you said about Bethany’s rapist,” she said.

I nodded, “In some ways I feel like we’re fifteen again. There’s someone who’s done violence to Bethany and I’m helping her through it.”

“The first time was a dress rehearsal for this time. The two events are different, but require the same skills, well, minus her chosen solution for the first time.”

“That will not happen. Of all the mistakes I could make in my life, I’m not going to make that one. The last thing Bethany needs right now is the complication that sex would introduce into our lives.”

“Keep reminding yourself of that. You can’t make any mistakes. None. There is zero room for error.”

“I know,” I said. “Kathy said I needed to get Bethany out of the house, so I’m taking her to the Nature Center this afternoon. We’ll take Nicholas with us. I also talked to her dad, and I’m taking her to dinner at the Country Club. Just the two of us, and Nicholas will stay with her parents. She’ll object, but I have clear and direct orders from Kathy to not take ‘no’ for an answer.”

Doctor Mercer laughed, “I spoke with Kathy last weekend and she told me what she had planned. I agree with her. I talked to Bethany’s dad as well to ensure she goes with you and leaves the baby at home.”

“Perfect. Do you think I need to see you anymore?”

“No. I think you’re doing just fine. Remember, I like short-term counseling whenever possible. You’re easy, because it’s a fairly simple process to lead you where I want you to go.”

I chuckled, “You and every other woman in my life, Doctor Mercer!”

When I left her office, I headed to Bethany’s house. When I suggested that we go to the Nature Center after lunch, she quickly asked about Nicholas and I let her know I’d be happy to have him along. We had our lunch and then put the car seat and a stroller in my car, put Nicholas in the car seat, and headed out. We had a very nice two-hour walk, with me pushing the stroller. We headed back home and Bethany put Nicholas down for a nap.

“We’re going to dinner at your dad’s club tonight,” I said.

“Nicholas needs a few hours to sleep,” she said.

“Just you and me. Kathy and Doctor Mercer insisted.”

“But I need to care for Nicholas!”

“Not tonight. You need to care for you. And that’s what we’re going to do. I won’t brook any arguments, Sweetheart.”

“But...”

“No ‘buts’, Bethany.”

“Go with him, honey,” Harry said to her. “Please.”

She sighed and nodded. About an hour later, we showered, individually, then dressed for dinner. I’d brought along one of my sport coats and a nice pair of slacks, plus a good pair of leather loafers. Bethany put on a skirt and blouse, and a jacket that matched the skirt. Once we were dressed, we headed to the country club where we’d been for our very first date.

“Do you remember that first time here?” she asked.

“How could I forget? I was with the most beautiful girl at the turnabout dance, and a girl who, unbeknownst to me, would become very important in my life.”

“But we drifted so far apart.”

“And now we’re going to figure out how to be together, properly, for the rest of our lives.”

Bethany smiled, “Who are you and what have you done with my former best friend?”

“Former?” I said, trying to sound offended.

“Former. ‘Old Steve’ isn’t the friend I need now. ‘New Steve’ is. I don’t need the one who was a drama queen but gave me endless strings of orgasms. I need the one who is stable, thoughtful, and supportive.”

“I’m here for you. How are things going?”

“OK, I suppose. I have bad days and good days. Today has been a good one.”

“You were a wreck last night,” I said. “I think you cried for over an hour.”

“I save it up for when you’re here. I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize. May I ask why?”

“Because you’re the only one who would just let me cry and not patronize me. You’ve never said a word. You just hold me and let me cry.”

“And I’ll do that for as long as you need me to.”

“Thanks,” she said softly.

We ordered our food and sat quietly, just holding hands, until our food arrived. We ate quietly and when we finished, we decided to head to Graeter’s in Mariemont. I chuckled when Bethany ordered a sundae with three cherries.

“I guess I can’t offer you what you already got,” she giggled.

“What I got, what’s most important, is a friend. A best friend, who’s helped me through so many bad times.”

“You’ve really changed, you know that?”

I smiled. “Perhaps, but what I said is true. Please don’t get me wrong, I haven’t forgotten the other part. It’s just that compared to having your friendship, everything else pales.”

She smiled and nodded. We ate our ice cream and headed back to her parents’ house. After Bethany checked on Nicholas, we went to her room. As was our custom, I changed in the bathroom and she changed in her room, before we climbed into bed together. Having Bethany cuddled in my arms created the oddest feelings. Like that first night when I’d left when she’d started to undress; it was both easy and difficult at the same time.

“Do you know what I talked about with Fran this week?” Bethany asked.

“Only if you tell me.”

“That night in August of 1985. We were here, in this room.”

I didn’t know where she was going with this, but I’d promised Doctor Mercer, Bethany, and myself that I’d listen to Bethany and do my best to support her. What I didn’t want was for her to be beating herself up for the fact that I was a lousy match for her; not because of her, but because of me. Right now, though, I needed to stay neutral, since I wasn’t sure where she was going with this.

“I’m not surprised,” I said. “But that wasn’t when you told me that you wouldn’t marry me. It was months earlier.”

“Huh?” she said, confused.

“Oh, I didn’t know it at the time, but that conversation we had in May when I came back from visiting Tanya and her dad in DC, you as much as told me you couldn’t marry me.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“The value of keeping a journal. Before I started writing again, I went back and read pretty much everything I wrote from just before your accident until the weekend of Dave and Julia’s wedding, and then a bit beyond that. Katy, Kara, you, and I were talking. If my journal is accurate, we both gave reasons why we might not marry. Katy pushed us pretty hard, but we both pushed back. The one thing that sticks out in my journal, and in my mind, was something you said - I can’t imagine my life without him, but truth be told, his friendship is far more important than being his wife. And I agreed with you. August was nothing. That conversation in May was when we both knew.”

“That whole thing with Andrew was a colossal mistake,” Bethany sighed.

“And compared to the mistakes I’ve made? And the ways I’ve hurt you? I even found a way to hurt you after we’d both been married for a while.”

“Becky,” Bethany said flatly.

“Yes.”

“I had a long, LONG, talk with Jennifer about that. And a shorter one with Elyse. Jennifer’s perspective is interesting, in that she’s the one who first felt Becky’s effects.”

“Perhaps,” I said. “But Jennifer is viewing all of that through a very different lens now. At that point, she was a rape victim, though we didn’t know it, and struggling with her own sexuality. We’re talking more than ten years ago now, and a LOT of water has passed under the bridge.”

“I think she was right, though. That in the end, it had to happen. And she’s right that it happened at the only time it could happen. I heard your sister slapped you again.”

“She did. Did I ever tell you that Karin slapped me hard across the face when I was with her in Sweden during the summer of 1984?”

“No, but you wrote it in your journal. She was right, you know. About just about everything.”

“You trust my journals?” I asked.

“Steve, you are your own harshest critic. I believe you report things accurately. Certainly, you didn’t pull any punches when you analyzed the ‘Becky Incident’ as we used to call it. Or the lousy way you treated some of the girls. But Karin nailed it. I think, in the end, you ended up with the two girls on this planet that could outlast your bullshit and wait for you to turn into the man you always wanted to be.”

“Jessica and Kara. But what about Elyse?”

“She’s the more interesting of the three, or four if you want to count Jennifer, of your lifetime commitments. I’m sure you know, though perhaps not consciously, that she made a lifetime commitment to you when she moved in with you in Chicago. She offered to do that with one goal in mind. She came to bed with you that first night to consummate it. She even voiced it aloud, eventually.”

“Jesus,” I sighed.

“She knew, from that very first night at her aunt’s wedding that you were her life partner. I’d say, of all the girls, she’s the one who navigated the rocks and shoals better than anyone. And she’s the one who knows you best; better than I do, better than Jennifer, better than Kara, and yes, better than your sister.”

“That last one is a whole different kettle of fish these days,” I said softly.

“You two never ended your intimate relationship. Oh, you stopped fucking, but you didn’t change the nature of your relationship and then you had to hide it from Jessica. That’s what caused all the problems you’ve seen with her in the past three years. Her living apart from you for these two years is a good thing. And she probably shouldn’t move back into the house. You’ll need to work hard to develop a proper sibling relationship with her.”

“That’s more or less my thinking, too. The tough part was not being able to tell my dad what the REAL source of the problem is.”

“She can’t ever marry her one, true love. Just as you couldn’t. But Stephanie was never, ever your one, true love. That was Becky.”

“Not Kathy?” I asked.

“We’ll never know. You two didn’t really find each other until it was too late for that to happen. And there was no going back.”

“True,” I said. “What do you think about Stephanie and Ed?”

“I think they’ll have to figure it out,” Bethany said with a small laugh. “The fact that she’s sleeping in his bed and he’s using the sleep sofa says that maybe they will. They didn’t just rush back into bed together, and that’s a good thing.”

“But back to us, and your talk with Doctor Mercer. And yes, I want to hear the truth. All of it.”

“The bottom line is that I couldn’t make the sacrifices you required me to make. I tried. God knows I tried. But I couldn’t. As broken as I was as a person, that was just a bridge too far for me. I wanted it desperately, and I tried over and over to convince myself that I could be happy and live my life that way. I couldn’t.”

“I know. It’s the same thing Karin said to me. And, although she’s much sweeter about it, what Sofia said to me.”

“Can we talk about your wives? And Elyse?”

“Sure. And you should probably include Abbie in that conversation as well.”

“I don’t know her very well, but I can make some assumptions. Why don’t we start with her; I think she’s the easiest part of this conversation?”

“I suppose that’s true. Jessica said, and I agree, that Abbie was searching for something and didn’t know what it was. What she found was something that took her by surprise - a place where she was free to be herself, and where she was loved and accepted. Given her worldview, not only did she not expect to find it, but she didn’t believe it existed.”

“That sounds like you don’t think she’s really goth,” Bethany said.

“Oh, she is. But I think she is because she encountered her friend Aidan and found, at least at the time, a kindred spirit. What he said to her, what the music said to her, made perfect sense for what she saw at home and around her. As I said, I don’t know the details, but I get the idea that her relationship with her parents was strained, and Aidan gave her what she wanted - acceptance - and what passed for love in her mind at fourteen.

“He went home to England and she was in with a community that spoke to her, mostly through music. She found friends, engaged in sex solely for pleasure, with both guys and girls, experimented with drugs, and generally withdrew from society into her sub-culture. I’m not sure she REALLY belongs there. Jessica made the comment the other night, and I agree, that Abbie could get a graduate degree in just about any subject she wanted. But she doesn’t want to do that.”

“She’s going to be your nanny, though?”

“Yes. Jessica, Kara, and I all think she’s found her niche. And I’d be willing to bet that at some point, we rub off on her enough that she’ll start dressing more conventionally and that her worldview might change. Matthew has had a profound effect on her; she just doesn’t realize it yet.”

“Because of the makeup?”

“Yes. He just accepted her and asked to be made up. And once Elyse got over the shock, she was cool with it. Jesse, on the other hand, was confused as hell, but then again, he’s basically me as a toddler.”

“And the difference between the two of you is that you’re taller and weigh more,” Bethany giggled.

“I’d say that’s not too far off,” I chuckled.

“Sorry. It is, actually. A year ago? I would have meant that seriously. Now? No. So are you and Abbie intimate?”

“Yes. And yes. Both ways.”

“So it’s a long-term thing?”