Chapter 66: A Manic Episode

June 8, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“Pipe tobacco and bourbon?” Jessica asked, sniffing, as I climbed into bed.

“Sorry. Want me to shower?”

“Yes, please,” she said.

I got up and went into the bathroom and quickly showered, making sure to wash my hair really well. I scrubbed my face and upper body thoroughly with Irish Spring, then rinsed off. I’d brushed my teeth before getting into bed, but did so again, and this time gargled with Listerine. I rinsed and went back to bed.

“Better?” I asked.

“Yes. If you had your pipe out, it means you were thinking about something,” Jessica said. “I don’t let you smoke often, so you save it for contemplation or sentimental reasons like Stephie’s birthday or the anniversary of her death. What was it this time?”

“Fawn,” I said simply.

“She asked?”

“You knew?” I sighed.

“I suspected she might ask, but I didn’t know for sure. She didn’t tell me she was going to ask tonight, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I don’t know what I’m thinking. What made you suspicious?”

“Just little things she’s said, and some things I know she’s done.”

“Care to share?” I asked.

“It doesn’t really matter, does it?”

“I guess not,” I sighed.

“Part of it should be obvious. You know she’s had a crush on you since she was fourteen, at least. Remember that first time she played her violin for you? If music were sex, she’d have been making love to you with her violin. You noticed. I noticed. I bet Belinda noticed! I’m not sure about Doctor Barton; I think he’s tried to blind himself to those things for years.”

“Yes, I knew all of that. It doesn’t seem like a ‘first crush’ at this point, though. I mean, she’s dated a bit, and had a steady boyfriend for about six months. I know they broke up, but I never heard why, not that it was any of my business.”

“Nor mine,” Jessica said. “What happened tonight?”

I told her about the conversation, and the hug, and then about getting my pipe and drink, and Elyse finding me sitting on the lounge chair.

“And what did Elyse say?”

“She recused herself,” I said. “And she implied that Kara should do the same thing when she specifically said I should talk to you.”

“I think that makes sense, Snuggle Bear,” Kara said. “It would affect Jess more than anyone.”

“I think it would possibly affect Tiger just as much if Doctor Barton were to find out.”

“Wait!” I protested. “I expected you to try to talk me out of this!”

Jessica was quiet for a moment, “Do you remember what Jennifer said about Becky?”

“Do we have to bring HER into this conversation?” I asked with annoyance.

“Relax, Snuggle Bear, it’s OK,” Kara said.

“Didn’t Jennifer say that it had been coming for a long time and it was going to happen eventually, one way or the other?”

“Yes, but you can’t seriously be comparing that twelve-year-long drama to a potential dalliance with my friend’s daughter!”

“Only from the standpoint that in Fawn’s mind, you two have been on a collision course for this moment since she first crushed on you. You don’t think this just popped into her mind yesterday at her birthday party, do you?”

No, I actually didn’t think that. In fact, all evidence suggested that she’d been thinking about it for some time. And the fact that she knew the rules meant that she had thought about it, and was prepared to comply with them. I wondered if THAT was what Jessica knew about - that Fawn had gone for an STD test. But I wondered how she would know about it. In the end, that didn’t matter.

“No, I suppose not. She even said she knew the rules, which kind of surprised me. But when I thought about it, they aren’t exactly a big secret, and a lot of people know about them.”

“You’re worried about Doctor Barton, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“Let me ask you this question. Do you trust her to keep quiet about it?”

“I suppose I do,” I said. “She’s always seemed like a smart, together girl. I can’t imagine she’d say a word to anyone about it.”

“That’s my assessment as well.”

“But could I do this without feeling uncomfortable around Al?”

“May I say something,” Kara asked.

“Yes, of course,” Jessica replied.

“Sure, Honey,” I said.

“You handled things with my dad, and I know from everything we’ve said, that you handled things with lots of dads: Bethany’s, Jennifer’s, Melanie’s, and even Becky’s.”

“Those were very different situations, and very different dads,” I said.

“Yes, but I guess my comment here, and then I’ll be quiet, is that you aren’t talking about sleeping with Al. You’re talking about a dalliance with an adult. Granted, a young adult, but an adult nonetheless. One who obviously wants you, and one I’m pretty sure you want, or you wouldn’t be talking to Jessica.”

“Actually, I’m talking to Jessica because no matter which way this goes, I’m going to have to deal with some fallout.”

“I can’t wait to hear the analysis of least harm!” Kara giggled.

“Shush, you troublemaker!” I said with a small laugh. “All three of you have been needling me about dalliances for the past few weeks. Why?”

“You just told me to be quiet!” Kara retorted.

“I did. But I am curious as to why, all of a sudden, the three of you are teasing me mercilessly about it.”

“Did you ask Elyse the question?”

“Yes, and her answer was, more or less, because you can!”

“Tiger, we all know you. We all understand you. Well, at least as much as any person can understand another one. You are not, and never will be, monogamous. You’ve become smarter and more thoughtful about who you decide to be with, but we agree with Bethany that for you to be healthy, you need to be who you are, at your core. Anything else is fraught with danger.”

“And having sex with Al Barton’s daughter isn’t?” I countered.

“Don’t you balance risk and reward every day at work?” Jessica asked.

“Sure, but this is different!”

“Is it, really? Sure, the topic is different, but it’s something you know how to do very well, if the company results are any indication.”

“And you’re OK with it?”

“I think you need to make your own decision in this case.”

“But it could affect you pretty seriously,” I said.

“Only if Doctor Barton were to find out, and I am confident that he won’t. If Fawn kept her desire for you from him for all these years, she’ll keep this secret, too. If she hadn’t kept it secret, Al would have said something to you, directly.”

“Gee, Babe, you’re a lot of help,” I grumbled.

“Talk to her. You’ll figure it out. I trust you, Tiger. Now, please, would you and Kara cuddle me?”

“Of course,” I said.

Unusually for us, Jessica was between Kara and me, instead of me being between the girls. Jessica had become a bit more emotional than usual as the pregnancy had progressed, and needed more cuddles, hugs, touches, and soft words than I’d ever known her to need, even when she’d been pregnant with Albert.

June 10, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“So what are you going to do with yourself all day?” Jessica asked Kara as we walked to the ER at 5:45am.

“Sit on the couch, put my feet up, watch soap operas, and eat Bonbons!” Kara replied matter-of-factly.

“I could actually go for that right about now!” Jessica said. “At least I’m in the ER which means I can usually find time to sit. It’s hard to do that when you’re doing surgery. I have simple, straight ER shifts until I take my maternity leave starting on August 10th.”

“That’s about two weeks before the baby is due, right?” I asked.

“Yes. I’m due on the 23rd. But you know that’s just guesswork. Well, statistical analysis, but in this case, it’s the same thing!”

“Is there any chance you could get shorter hours?” Kara asked.

“Not really without making a mess of the scheduling. They did find someone to fill in for me while I’m gone. It’s a doctor who works in a ‘Doc-in-a-box’ who’s looking for some trauma experience. I guess where his clinic is located, they get occasional trauma and his Internship was twenty-five years ago.”

“So that works well for both of you, then.”

“What about the UofC chemistry department?” Jessica asked.

“They’re taking their sweet time,” Kara sighed. “I signed my contracts for the fall because I didn’t have any choice. I can back out of them, but if I don’t hear something in the next few weeks, I could really leave the other schools in the lurch, which is something I want to avoid if I can. But I can’t pass on a tenure-track associate professorship.”

“No, you can’t,” Jessica said.

We arrived at the ER, and after hugs and kisses all around, Kara and I watched Jessica walk into the hospital and turned to walk home.

“I want your opinion, please,” I said.

“About Fawn?”

“No, about the government changes coming in the Soviet Union!” I laughed. “Of course about Fawn!”

“I think if it weren’t for Doctor Barton, you’d have already done it, maybe even years ago.”

“That’s like saying ‘Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?’!”

Kara laughed, “True. I think you have to talk to Fawn and make your decision. I don’t think any of us can help you on this one.”

“One of you could just say ‘no’,” I said.

“We could, but we all think you need to work this out for yourself.”

“You all think? Kara Anne Adams, there is more going on than you all are letting on! Spill it!”

“Spill what?”

“There was no time between last night when I came to bed, and right now, when you could have talked to Elyse. She wasn’t out of bed, and I’ve been with you non-stop since I came upstairs last night. The three of you know something. What is it?”

Kara shook her head, “No. Talk to Fawn, please.”

“‘No’? What the fuck?” I growled. “Now I’m damned sure that something is going on. And it started before our trip to Michigan. Teasing me about Jodie was part of it, though it was happenstance. Or was it? Was THAT a setup?”

“Wow, Steve! You are really agitated and grasping at straws!”

“Am I?” I asked angrily. “And the three girls last night? What the fuck was that?”

Kara stopped, “You’re working yourself into a manic phase right now. You need to get control of yourself. Stop! Take some deep breaths!”

“Oh for the love of ... shit! You three goaded me into this, for Pete’s sake! What the fuck is going on?”

“Steve, seriously, stop and take a couple of deep breaths. Right now! I won’t talk to you any more until you do.”

She crossed her arms and stared at me. I was tempted just to storm off, but stopped myself. I did as she asked, and took several deep breaths, feeling the tension ebb from my body. After about five or six breaths, Kara uncrossed her arms and took my hand. We started walking towards home.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” I asked, calmly this time.

“Work this out for yourself, Steve. You can do it. You need to do it.”

“I need to do it? Why?”

“Because none of us can answer this question for you. Let’s just say we all were sure this day was coming. We’ve told you that before. Jess has even teased you about it.”

“So?”

“So only you can decide what to do. Us telling you ‘no’ won’t help you in the long run. Did several of us putting Becky off limits change the end result?”

“No,” I sighed. “But that was a massive failure on my part.”

“But a necessary one,” Kara said simply.

“Necessary? To hurt you that badly?”

“Yes. And to fix yourself. We got through it.”

“To fix me?”

“Jennifer was right about everything with regard to Becky. As much as it hurt me, it let you close a chapter in your life that needed to be closed. I wish there had been another way. But given who you are, and everything that happened between you and that girl since you were fifteen, I don’t know that there was another way forward for you. Anala told you that over and over.”

“And we all thought she was wrong,” I said.

“I’m the injured party here, and I’m telling you that I’d much rather be hurt and have you mentally and emotionally stable, than not to have been hurt. I certainly don’t want what I saw a couple of minutes ago.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“You need to call Doctor Bradford this morning.”

“I know,” I said.

“Do that, then invite Fawn over for lunch. Abbie will have the older kids at the Y for their swimming lessons on Wednesday. I’ll keep the little ones busy. You two can eat in the kitchen and talk.”

“Yes, Honey,” I said.

“Nobody is telling you that you HAVE to sleep with her, or even that you should. Just that you need to work this out for yourself.”

“And the secret that you, Jessica, and Elyse are keeping?”

“It’s no secret we talk about you! You know that we do. Just relax and don’t worry about it.”

“Easy for you to say,” I sighed.

We arrived at home and I went to my study and wrote in my journal. I was still suspicious that there was something going on behind the scenes, but the real question was why I’d flown off the handle so quickly. I’d gone from zero to nearly out of control in the matter of a few seconds. Just like my mom. I shook my head ruefully. And just like my sister. With her, it had blown apart her relationship with Jorge and almost blown apart her relationship with me.

The frightening part was that I could have done the same thing with Kara’s and my relationship. All because I let their needling get to me, and because I was suspicious that they were plotting against me. Was I being paranoid? And if I was, was that a symptom of whatever it was that was wired wrong with me? Kara was right; I needed to talk to Doctor Bradford, and I needed to do it right away. I picked up the phone and dialed his service.

“Hi. This is Steve Adams. I’m a patient and I need to speak to Doctor Bradford as soon as possible,” I said.

“Mr. Adams, he’ll be in the office at 8:00am. Is this urgent enough to require that I page him?”

I thought about it for a moment before replying, “No, but it’s also not something that should wait much past that.”

“I’ll mark the message as urgent, and he’ll see it as soon as he arrives in his office.”

“Thank you,” I said, and provided my office and cellular telephone numbers.

I replaced the handset in the cradle and went back to my journal. I still had no idea what I was going to say to Fawn, let alone what I was going to do, when I closed the programs and shut down the Mac. I went to the kitchen to make breakfast for the kids, Elyse, and Abbie, since Kara and I had eaten with Jessica.