Chapter 51: Revelation

January 18, 1991, Chicago, Illinois

“I’ve thought about what you said,” Jennifer said. “And I think you’re right. I’m sorry it took me three days to think it through.”

“I’d expect nothing less than you giving it serious thought. So you agree with Ed’s assessment?”

“I’m no more a psychologist than you are, but it makes sense. And you said that Bethany agrees?”

“Unofficially, yes. She can’t make a diagnosis in a situation like this, but she confirmed Ed’s research was accurate enough that my sister should be evaluated by Doctor Fremd, a psychiatrist here in Chicago Bethany is recommending.”

“Well, if Stephanie pushed back on Ed’s nudging, I’m not sure she’ll listen to me.”

“Neither am I,” I replied, “but you’re our best shot. Who else?”

“There’s a good chance she’s going to totally lose it,” Jennifer suggested.

“I know. Ed knows. That’s why he came to me.”

“I’ll talk to her. And this would explain a lot about your mom.”

“It would,” I agreed. “But that’s my dad’s problem, so to speak. She has her manic episodes around me, and I guess my sister does, too.”

“That’s an interesting insight,” Jennifer observed. “Did she have them around anyone else?”

“My mom? Not that I can recall. They were all around me. I think the same was true for my sister.”

“And they have their depressive episodes when you aren’t around.”

“Am I the cause?” I asked.

“Maybe ‘trigger’ is a better word. The cause is whatever’s wrong with them. Stress just triggers it.”

“I suppose I see the difference. You’re probably right.”

“There’s another reason it took me three days to think this through. You.”

“Me?” I asked.

“Yes. You favor your mom in looks, just as your sister does. Your brother favors your dad. That kind of got me thinking. Do you think you’ve exhibited signs of mania and depression in the past? Wild mood swings? Reactions to stress? Think about it a bit before you answer.”

I immediately knew, without having to think about it, that Jennifer was onto something. My reactions to stress. How easily I got down in the dumps about things. Perhaps it wasn’t as extreme as my sister’s, and it certainly wasn’t as extreme as my mom’s, but it was there. But as I got older, the symptoms had lessened. Or had they, really? I thought back to what Ed had told me and the changes I’d made over the years. I was exercising more — running and karate. My sugar intake was dramatically reduced, as was my caffeine intake. The very things he’d said could help control mild cases. A lot of things started to make sense to me.

“Jesus,” I whispered. “I have it, too.”

Jennifer nodded, “Yes, and you’ve learned to control it with help from some very strong people.”

“Part of it might be accidental,” I said. “Al Barton and Jessica have pushed me hard to limit my sugar intake, and when I gave up the soda, that seriously reduced my caffeine intake as well. And my diet has changed — we’ve cut down on pure carbs like potatoes and corn and increased things like broccoli and cauliflower. My total sugar intake has to be less than a third of what it used to be. And I get a ton of exercise.”

“Exactly. All the things on Ed’s list that he researched. You still have bad reactions to stressful events, but your mood swings are more controlled.”

“I wonder if the syncope is related,” I said.

“I also did a bit of my own research. Did you know that hypersexuality is one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder? And the desire swings with the moods.”

“It fits, Jennifer,” I sighed. “It all fits. And it’s why I have always needed firm, inviolable rules against being with girls who already had partners.”

“And the new ones about people who work for your company,” she agreed. “It seems those strict rules help you cope, though I guess you’ve made some exceptions along the way.”

“The relationship one has been inviolable for a long time. It actually started with Melanie and Pete. And it’s saved my butt many times. But we’re getting off the topic.”

“I’m wondering now if you shouldn’t be the one to talk to your sister. And maybe you should talk to this psychiatrist yourself first. About you.”

“But I have it under control, I think.”

“Evidence suggests that you do; at least since your stupid attempt to fuck your way out of your depression after Jessica left you. And you know where that ended up!”

“The exact place you thought I had to end up,” I said.

“Yes, because you were obsessed with her. And that’s another thing in the DSM about bipolar disorder. What confuses me is why Bethany never drew this conclusion or at least suggested that you be evaluated.”

“I think she might have been too close. Katy suggested that’s why I didn’t see what was going on with Stephanie.”

“We were all too close,” Jennifer said. “And we still are. The only reason we’re having this discussion is because Ed was separated from you and your sister for most of the past six years. He comes with an outsider’s perspective that none of us can have. I was away for four years, but given all my problems, I was never in a position to see it. Nearly every one of our old friends is here in Chicago except Mary and Josh, Marty and Tracey, and Larry. We’re all too damned close.”

“You don’t mean that,” I said.

“Sorry, no. I meant too close to see the problems. It’s not just you, Steve. It’s all of us. We develop these ideas that our odd behavior is just who we all are and ignore the potential warning signs of problems. You saw some in Jess because you didn’t know her very well. I bet now it’s more difficult, though I know you are on guard because of what happened. Just like you are with Stephanie.”

I didn’t respond for a moment, trying to process everything we’d just talked about and everything that Ed had said.

“And Doctor Mercer never detected it because she wasn’t looking for it,” I said thoughtfully. “I saw her when I was depressed, but there were legitimate reasons to be depressed at those points. And the sex she attributed to being a teenage boy with access to lots of willing girls.”

“Yes,” she agreed.

“I’d say it all sounds right,” I said. “But this is just crazy speculation on our part.”

Jennifer laughed, “‘Crazy’ speculation? Too funny! But I see your point. You really do need to talk to this Doctor Fremd. And then talk to your sister. I’ll help you.”

“Thanks, Jen. The first thing I’m going to do is call Bethany. Then we’ll take it from there.”

“What about talking to your wives?”

“After,” I said. “What about our kids?”

“It’s something we’ll have to watch out for. None of the kids favor you exclusively, AND you have to take into account environmental factors, at least in my opinion. The first thing to do is not get them started on soda. We already limit their candy. And they eat what we eat once they’re old enough for table food. But until you talk to someone who really knows what’s going on, it’s just IDLE speculation.”

I laughed, “I suppose that’s better than ‘crazy’. Let me call Bethany.”

Jennifer hugged me tight, kissed me on the cheek, and walked me to the back door of the coach house. I headed across the backyard and into the main house and went straight to my study. I dialed Bethany’s number, and her father put her on the phone.

“Hi, Sweetheart,” I said.

“Hi, Steve. How are things?”

“Good. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Ed and Stephanie?”

“Yes, but I want to ask you something else first. Bethany, do you think it’s possible that I might have the same problem? I’m not asking you for an official diagnosis, just the possibility it might be the case.”

“That you’re bipolar? I can’t answer that for you.”

“Bethany, drop the ‘Doctor Krajick’ persona where you have to follow ethical rules and answer me as my best friend, please.”

“No, seriously. I can’t answer the question. What I can say is that you have a cluster of symptoms that MIGHT indicate that diagnosis. There are protocols for answering the question that have to be followed.”

“I’m sure there are. Can we dispense with the procedural BS, please?”

She sighed, “Yes, Steve, it’s entirely possible that you could be suffering from bipolar disorder. And it’s possible that it’s hereditary.”

“How long have you known?”

“I haven’t. Honestly, until Ed did his own research and then talked to me, I hadn’t thought about it. Contrary to popular belief, psychologists and psychiatrists don’t go around evaluating everyone we meet for mental illness! Stop and think about what kind of life that would be!”

“Not a lot of fun unless you got some kind of thrill from it.”

“Which sounds like the very definition of a mental illness, doesn’t it?”

“So you think I should see this Doctor Fremd, then? It sounds like what he’s proposing, at least according to Ed, is similar to what Doctor Barton and Jessica already have me doing for health reasons.”

“It would be a good idea,” Bethany said, sounding as if she was taking great care with her words. “At least you can set a baseline which he could refer to in the future.”

“Now I have to figure out how to get my sister to see him,” I said. “But will my seeing him cause an ethical issue?”

“Not specifically, but I don’t know if he sees people who are close to each other like you and your sister. Some therapists do, some don’t. You would have to ask him. My one concern in her getting counseling is the relationship the two of you had. Given that, it might be better if the two of you went to different people. The problem is, I don’t know anyone else in Chicago who uses diet and behavior modification as first-line treatment for what appears, at least for now, to be a mild disorder.”

“The last thing I want to do is see someone who’s going to push drugs at me,” I said. “Maybe I’m at a place where if I talk to Jessica and Kara about it, they can judge if and when I need to see someone. You know, keep doing what Al Barton has me doing already for other reasons.”

“You might talk with him. He’s not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist, but he could certainly evaluate you medically.”

“What about my kids?” I asked.

“All you can do is watch for signs. They’re all too little to evaluate for something like this. Rapid mood swings are pretty common for little kids. They can go from giggling to crying to giggling in the span of a minute or two. I’m sure you’ve seen that.”

“Yes. And I have to say that Jesse and Birgit both seem to be on a pretty even keel, allowing for age. They get upset about things I would expect them to get upset about and excited about things I’d expect them to get excited about.”

“Don’t worry too much about it now. It’s more of an issue of watching out for depression when they’re teenagers. That’s becoming more and more of a problem.”

“And I’ll tell you the source of it,” I said firmly. “Parents and society trying to treat them as if they were toddlers when they are actually young adults who need to be treated like adults. We’re going down a road that’s going to destroy society if it’s not stopped.”

“I agree with you, for the most part, but right now, we’re fighting a losing battle. We’re seeing the infantilizing of younger teens now. Just wait until it spreads to college students.”

“It’s not just that,” I countered, “it’s that we’re not teaching them how to lose. I heard from Jennifer that the hockey program at the rink where Jesse skates gives every player in every tournament a participation medal, and every team gets a trophy, even if they finish last. We’re setting those kids up for all kinds of emotional issues when they grow up and discover the world doesn’t reward you for losing!”

“I think that was part of the reason you were attracted to chess,” Bethany observed. “I mean, besides the girls,” she added with a giggle. “You had that rating system that was completely impartial. If you won, it improved. If you lost, it was reduced.”

“The Elo system is structured so that I could compare my rating with anyone throughout history. Well, not favorably! Larry, on the other hand...”

“We’re getting off-topic,” Bethany said. “Are you going to talk to Stephanie about this?”

“I have to figure out how to do it,” I said. “Jennifer offered her help.”

“Avoid ANY direct comparisons with your mom. That would only set her off and ensure she refused to participate.”

I chuckled, “I wasn’t born yesterday, Sweetheart! I think you might need to talk to Doctor Fremd to tell him what to look for so I don’t have to tell Stephanie.”

“That’s not really how it’s done,” she said. “She’s not my patient.”

“I know, but if I tell her, she’ll flip out.”

“I’ll think about it. Before I go, Nicholas and I want to come up for a weekend next month. Is any time better or worse than any other?”

“Jesse’s birthday is the 22nd. That would be a great weekend to visit, I think.”

I heard some pages flipping on what I presumed was a calendar or perhaps her daybook.

“I can take that Friday off. We’ll drive up Thursday evening, if that’s OK.”

“Jesse will LOVE it. I’ll tell Jen, but not Jesse. We’ll let it be a surprise for him.”

“Sounds good. Let me know how things go with your sister.”

“I will. Thanks, Sweetheart! I’ll talk to you soon.”

We said our goodbyes and hung up. My next task was to talk to Jessica and Kara. I went to the kitchen and made a pot of tea, then invited them to the Indian room.

“What’s up, Tiger? Did Jennifer say she’d talk to Stephanie?”

“We decided it might be better if I did it.”

“Why?”

“Because Jennifer believes that it runs in the family. And not just with my mom and sister.”

“What?!” both girls exclaimed at the same time.

“Think about how I reacted to things in the past. Manic episodes and severe depression. Kara, you’ve seen it. Not as much as Jennifer or Bethany, but you have. From when Jess left us to Thanksgiving, I was depressed. Then I went manic. Then I got depressed again. It’s a pattern.”

“But things have been better since I came back,” Jessica protested.

I nodded, “Yes. And what’s happened since then? You and Al have changed my diet, and my exercise level has increased. And I get behavioral counseling from the two of you, Elyse, Al, Kurt and Kathy, Bethany, Abbie, Father Basil, and others. I think we accidentally hit on how to even out my mood swings without even trying to.”

“If you have it, and your sister has it, what about Birgit and Stephie?” Kara asked worriedly. “And Albert? And Elyse’s boys and Jesse?”

“I have no idea,” I said. “They’re too little for this to affect them. Well, assuming we’re right about what it is.”

Jessica nodded slowly, “It could very well be. It could even explain your ups and downs about sex.”