Chapter 43: Stoicism

December 10, 1990, Chicago, Illinois

“Thanks for your hospitality!” Jason said as we shook hands when his flight was called.

“You’re welcome! I think you’ve made quite a few new friends!”

Jason laughed, “Your kids are just as nutty as you are! And that’s wonderful!”

“Nutty?” I chuckled.

“Strange? Weird? Are those better?” he asked with a grin. “But you’re all very good people. It’ll be good to see you at Michigan.”

“We’ll be there! Say ‘hello’ to everyone in Dawsonville.”

We shook hands again, and he walked over to the flight attendant who was checking boarding passes. Once she reviewed his, he turned, waved, and walked down the Jetway. I watched until he turned the corner to enter the door of the plane, then headed back to my car for the drive back to Hyde Park. I parked at home, then walked to the office.

“Steve, the candidate for the programming job is here,” Keri said after we exchanged greetings. “He’s a bit early, so he’s sitting in the small conference room.”

“A bit early? About thirty minutes, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Kimmy has your lunch waiting like you wanted.”

“I guess that needs to wait. What did you think of the candidate?”

“Honestly?” she asked with a small frown. “It felt like he was hitting on me.”

“Not just overly friendly and outgoing? He was actually hitting on you?” I asked.

“You’re super friendly, and so are Terry and Brad, but it never feels like any of you are hitting on me. He was.”

“Thanks,” I said.

Instead of going to the conference room, I went to Dave’s desk and asked him to come to my office.

“On my way in, I asked Keri about the candidate I’m supposed to interview. She said he was hitting on her.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake!” Dave sighed in exasperation. “I’m guessing that’s fatal to his chances?”

“I am inclined to exercise my veto sight unseen, but I’ll talk to him. You should talk to Keri and see what she has to say. I didn’t ask her for details.”

“I’ll do that. Are you going to eat first?”

“No. I’ll do the interview first.”

“I’ll have Kimmy bring Jay to your office.”

“Thanks, Dave.”

Two minutes later, Kimmy showed Jay Tate into my office. He sat on the couch and I sat across from him in one of the chairs. His handshake had been very much of what I would call a ‘glad hand’. His voice was very peppy and he certainly seemed very outgoing. I wondered if Keri had misjudged him. That said, even our most outgoing programmer, Terry, seemed tame by comparison.

“Did Dave warn you that these interviews are usually very short?” I asked.

“Yes! He said you usually just took a few minutes to meet a candidate before they were hired. I’m very excited to have this opportunity!”

I spent just under ten minutes talking to Jay and decided that if Keri hadn’t said anything to me, I probably wouldn’t have vetoed him. I had some minor misgivings about his personality, which seemed almost like a politician seeking votes, but that wouldn’t have led me to block Dave’s choice. I called Kimmy to show Jay out and waited for Dave to come to my office, which he did about five minutes later.

“I’m not sure,” Dave said. “What’s your take?”

“The same. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how I’d describe his personality, but the word ‘hyper’ comes to mind. What did Keri have to say?”

“The same thing she said to you, that it felt like he was hitting on her. She couldn’t point to anything specific.”

“What do you want to do?” I asked.

“Sleep on it, if you don’t mind.”

I chuckled, “Let me know what Julia says.”

Dave laughed, “There is an advantage to sleeping with your boss.”

“I agree!” Elyse laughed, coming into my office. “Are we hiring Jay?”

“That’s what we were discussing,” I said. “We’re not sure. Keri felt he was hitting on her.”

“Did you talk with her?”

“I did,” Dave said. “She couldn’t point to anything specific. Just a feeling.”

“Women get those feelings sometimes,” Elyse said. “A guy just makes you uncomfortable for some reason.”

“Dave, did Jeri interview Jay?”

“Yes.”

“Elyse, would you talk to Jeri? See what she thinks. Of all the women in the office, she’s the most reserved, except perhaps Oksana. See what she has to say and let Dave know.”

“Good thinking,” Dave said. “I’ll take all of that under advisement. No veto?”

“No. Just caution. But I think you’ll have enough input to decide.”

“Thanks,” Dave said.

I buzzed Kimmy and let her know that I was ready for my lunch. She brought it to me, along with a Mountain Dew and a wink. Elyse just laughed and shook her head.

“How was Miami?” I asked.

“Good. Eduardo and I went to dinner on Saturday and then went dancing, then yesterday we spent the day together exploring Miami. We had a very nice dinner, then found a quiet bar where we could have drinks and talk.”

“And?” I asked with an arched eyebrow.

“We got along great. We more or less picked up where we left off when he moved to Pennsylvania to go to Wharton.”

“What’s the next step?” I asked.

“Same as it was before - him transferring to Chicago. I don’t know if or when that will happen.”

“But you had a good time?” I asked.

“I did! I’ll let you eat your lunch in peace. I also need to call Alex Saunders and verify everything for Wednesday night.”

“I can’t imagine Alex messing up on something like this!”

She left, I ate my lunch, and then got to work. Unfortunately, it was paperwork, client calls, and reviewing my notes for the Board meeting that we’d have on Thursday morning. We’d rearranged the schedule somewhat to accommodate Joyce, since she couldn’t get to Chicago before 3:00pm on Wednesday. I did manage to get in about an hour of coding before it was time to leave to meet Jessica.

“How was your breakfast with Jason?” I asked Abbie when Jessica and I arrived at home.

“Great! He invited me to come to the race in Atlanta in March!”

“Are you going?” I asked.

“If I can take that weekend off, yes!”

“Of course you can!”

She smiled and gave me a quick kiss, and then Jessica and I went to find the kids.

December 12, 1990, Chicago, Illinois

“I’m three days late!” Jessica whispered when we woke up at 3:00am on Wednesday.

We went to the bathroom to shower, leaving Kara asleep in the bed. Jessica quickly opened her pregnancy test and peed on the stick. We took quick showers, dried, and then dressed. She went back to check the test and it was positive! I was surprised when Jessica didn’t shriek or scream, but just showed me the test. We hugged tightly.

“Not excited?” I asked quietly.

“I am, but Kara’s still sleeping.”

“You realize if you don’t wake her up she’s going to be extremely upset with you!”

We left the bathroom and Jessica went to the bed and gently shook Kara’s shoulder. Kara groaned and opened her eyes.

“I’m pregnant,” Jessica said softly.

Kara sat up like a shot, squealed, and hugged Jessica, “Looks like our husband gets to keep his perfect record!”

“Kara, you should go back to sleep,” I suggested. “We’re going to be up late tonight because of the company party.”

“MEN!” she huffed.

“Because I’m trying to take care of you?” I objected.

“Seven times and you STILL don’t get it!” Kara groused.

“I’m going to make breakfast for Jessica,” I said.

I quickly made my escape and went to the kitchen to make Jessica’s usual breakfast - two scrambled eggs, two sausage patties, and two pieces of toast. She came into the kitchen just as I was putting everything on the table for her.

“Why do you bait her like that?” Jessica asked.

“Because it’s fun,” I chuckled. “She knows I’m teasing. And I know she’s teasing.”

“You don’t show a lot of emotion about us being pregnant.”

“I don’t show a lot of emotion about most things these days,” I said. “But that’s part of my attempts to not be a drama queen.”

“Maybe you’ve gone a bit too far the other way.”

“Says the woman who shows almost no emotion,” I said.

Jessica sighed, “It comes with the job. If you let your emotions out in the ER, people die. How often have you seen Doctor Barton get emotional?”

“Once, when I accused him of being part of a conspiracy to protect doctors.”

“You did what?!” she gasped with a look of shock on her face.

“It was when you were in Maine and we were talking about the problems with the system. Let’s just say, I won’t make that mistake again!”

“I suspect he agrees with you about the system, though.”

“I think he does, given what was said. It was the implication that he personally did those things that caused the bad reaction. But forget that. You need to eat, Babe. We can talk on the way to the hospital.”

Jessica finished her breakfast and we got our coats for the walk to the hospital in the mild December air.

“Do you really think I’m emotionless?” I asked.

“Not quite emotionless, but your attempts to be calm sometimes hide your feelings. In some cases, that’s a good thing. But this morning, it wasn’t. Or when Kara got pregnant.”

“So what are you saying? I should show more emotion?”

“You get very excited when your Penguins win, or when your friend Bill wins races.”

“True,” I said. “But those are basically impersonal. I don’t mean that Bill isn’t a friend, but neither his wins, nor a potential Penguins Stanley Cup, really affect my life in a meaningful way. I mean sure, I’m happy, but in the larger scheme of things they aren’t all that important to how things go in my life. So being happy about them, or frustrated if they don’t do well, isn’t going to change things much one way or the other. In a sense, it’s like my computer games - I take pleasure in playing, but in the larger scheme of things, they don’t matter that much.”

“So when things matter, you don’t show emotion? How is that going to work with your kids? Not to mention your wives! You cried for Stephie.”

“Yes, I did.”

“But you can’t be excited about me being pregnant?”

“I AM excited, Babe! I just don’t think shrieking is the right response!”

Jessica laughed, “No, I suppose it wouldn’t be. And I guess, maybe, I’m projecting a bit. I worry about Kara, though. Neither you nor I are big on showing much emotion at this point, and I think Kara needs it. We can be stoics at work, but at home, I think we need to be more caring and feeling. Elyse and Abbie are OK with you not showing emotion, but the kids and Kara are different.”

I smiled, “Don’t be too sure about Abbie. She’s not the same severe existentialist that I met nearly two years ago.”

“Did she say anything about Jason?”

“They had breakfast on Monday morning, and he invited her to come to a race in Atlanta.”

“What if she decides she likes him?”

“Then she likes him,” I said. “I don’t see her leaving us anytime soon.”

“You also didn’t see her deciding to stay for the summer, stay long-term, become our nanny, or ditching the goth persona.”

“True,” I agreed. “But I don’t think she’s nearly as impetuous as she was when she came here eighteen months ago. Then she was changing her mind almost constantly. She had total freedom and had to learn for herself how to handle it. Now, she’s more thoughtful and considered in her decisions.”

“But what if she leaves?”

“Then we wish her the best and we find a new nanny,” I said. “I honestly don’t think it’s going to come to that.”

“How can you be so blasé about this?”

“Because she’s her own person, and she has to make her own way in life. The same is true of you, Kara, me, our kids, and everyone else. It’s not up to me to decide.”

“I think this is a perfect example of when you SHOULD show emotion!” Jessica protested.

“Obviously, given than you are!” I retorted.

“Seriously, Tiger, it could seem to other people like you don’t care. That’s especially true if they know you respond emotionally to silly sporting events!”

“You have a point, I suppose.”

We arrived at the doors to the ER.

“I’ll see you at 4:00pm as usual,” I said. “Don’t forget about tonight. As soon as Kara gets home, showers, and gets dressed, we’ll head to Alex’s for the NIKA Christmas party.”

“I remember. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”

“I know. I love you, Babe. And I am really happy that you’re pregnant, even if I didn’t squeal like a pre-teen girl!”

“Just kiss me, Tiger, before you get in REAL trouble!” she said with a silly smile.

I did, and after she walked inside, I turned and headed home. I understood Jessica’s point, but I’d spent so many years acting on emotion instead of logic, that I was afraid that I’d regress if I did what Jessica asked. The last thing I wanted to do was return to my old form. I’d much rather be more Mr. Spock than Commander Riker. But, I questioned myself, was I taking it to an extreme?

“Kara, do you think I’m too emotionless?” I asked when I arrived home.

She cocked her head and looked at me for a moment, obviously considering her response.

“I think you’ve tried very hard to not be driven by your emotions, and that comes out as you being cold and unfeeling at times.”

“Does that bother you?” I asked.

“Bother me? No. I know you, Snuggle Bear, and I understand. But your kids might not.”

“But isn’t being on an even keel important?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that you’re Commander Data!”

“I’m concerned that I’ll revert to my old ways if I let the emotions out,” I sighed.

“Did you at least congratulate Jess this morning?”

“I did. And gave her a big hug! We also talked about it on the way to the hospital. You went back to bed because of tonight.”

“I wondered if she might have said something to you about your reaction.”

“She did, but she was more worried about you. She’s used to being stoic at work. It’s a survival skill for ER doctors and surgeons. Could you imagine if a doctor or surgeon lost it mid-procedure?”

“But you aren’t a surgeon or a doctor. I know you’re worried about being a ‘drama queen’ again, but it wouldn’t hurt you to show some excitement about something other than a goal or a checkered flag.”

“I hear you, Honey. I’ll work on it.”

“Thanks. Your kids, especially your Pumpkin, will appreciate it.”

“Speaking of her, she’s probably downstairs making her cereal right now.”

“Naked?” Kara giggled.

“She’s YOUR daughter!” I smirked.

We went downstairs to find Birgit, Matthew, Michael, and Albert eating breakfast. Abbie had made them waffles and offered Kara and me some. We accepted, as did Elyse who came into the kitchen a few minutes later.

“Where’s Stephie?” I asked.

“She was still asleep,” Abbie said.

“I’ll go check on her,” Kara said. “She’s usually up by now.”

Kara was back three minutes later with Stephie latched to her breast. Jesse came in just after her, which meant his moms were off to work. We ate breakfast, then Kara kissed me and left for her teaching job, while Elyse and I walked to the office.

Dave came into my office a few minutes later.

“Did you see the interview on your calendar?” he asked.

“Yes. I think you made the right decision. If we aren’t sure, then we shouldn’t move forward.”

“Why didn’t you just say that the other day?”

“Because it’s your decision, Dave. I retain my veto, but if I don’t exercise it, then it has to be your decision.”