Chapter 3: Taps

December 29, 1989, Colerain Township and Milford, Ohio

It was Friday morning. We’d arrived at Donna Grossi’s house the previous afternoon, and once I had Jessica, Kara, and the kids settled, Elyse and I put Matthew and Michael in my BMW and headed for her parents’ house in Glen Este. Because of a minor change to our plans, my dad had driven down with my mom so that only Abbie and my sister were with me in my car. Because of space considerations, Abbie and Stephanie were staying in two rooms in the main house while the rest of my family, including Jennifer, Josie, and Jesse, had the run of the guest house. After dropping off Elyse and the kids, I’d returned to Donna Grossi’s house.

After breakfast, we relaxed with coffee. The interment was at 1:00pm, so we’d have an early lunch before we left. Around 9:30am, I excused myself to call the office.

“Hi, Keri, any messages?”

“No messages, but Dave and Julia had their baby last night. Nicholas George Kallas was born at 10:02pm. Julia and the baby are just fine.”

“Send flowers, please,” I said.

“Kimmy already took care of it. Dave called her at home last night to let her know the news because he was sure you or Elyse would call in at some point.”

“Thank Kimmy for me, and thank you both for running things while we’re all away.”

“I’ll do that! We’ll see you on Monday.”

“Thanks, Keri.”

I hung up the phone and went back to where everyone was sitting and told them the good news.

“A boy?” Jesse said. “Nicholas? Like Aunt Befany’s baby?”

That was another ‘Jesse-ism’. ‘Befany’ was like ‘Chess’ and would probably never change.

“Yes, Jesse. A boy.”

“Good! Another boy! Yes!” he said, sounding triumphant.

“It won’t help,” Josie said with a smirk. “His sister has him well in hand.”

“Yes, she does,” Kara giggled. “Just like we do Steve!”

Jennifer laughed, “But it’s taken five of us almost full-time with help from Kathy and Bethany and some other girls along the way! Birgit is doing it by herself! With four brothers and Peter!”

“She’s like her mom in many ways,” I said.

“And her dad,” Kara said with a smile.

“Look out, world!” Jennifer said, causing everyone to laugh.

We had our early lunch and then got everyone into the cars to head to Greenlawn Cemetery in Milford. As we pulled up to the site, I saw a team of sailors with rifles, one with a bugle, and a large contingent of Naval officers. I parked behind my parents’ car, and the girls parked the minivan behind me, and Jennifer parked behind them. We gathered together and then walked towards the gravesite. I saw Larry and Drew, Kathy and Kurt, and Elyse standing in a small group, so we went to stand near them.

After exchanging subdued greetings with Larry and Drew, we stood quietly, waiting for the service to start. Fortunately, the weather was much warmer than in Chicago. It was nearly 40°F, and there was no wind. Everyone was bundled up, but nobody looked cold, and as most of us had come from Chicago, we’d seen a 50°F increase in temperature, which made it feel like a heat wave. Bethany, who was wearing a black dress and carrying Nicholas, arrived, escorted by Howard. Howard walked her to the grave site, and she sat on a blanket-covered chair with Nick’s parents next to her and Howard standing behind her.

At precisely 1:00pm, a Navy chaplain gave a short benediction and then asked Howard to say a few words. He reprised his eulogy, though it was somewhat shorter than the one he’d given at Great Lakes, and then nodded to Karl, who did the same. When they finished, the chaplain led everyone in the Lord’s Prayer and then stepped aside. With a nod from a captain, the lieutenant in charge of the rifle detail gave the commands, and three volleys of rifle shots rang out, each one punctuating the silence and jarring me to my core.

It only got worse when, at a distance of about 100 feet from where we were standing, a bugler, standing alone, began playing Taps. If the rifle shots had been jarring, Taps was a karate strike to the chest, causing my heart to flutter, my stomach to turn, and my head to spin. My friend Nick was dead. And worse, my best friend was a widow at age twenty-six. I felt someone take my arm to steady me, and through glassy eyes, I saw it was Elyse.

“You OK?” she whispered.

“No,” I croaked. “I’m not.”

“Hang in there, Steve,” Jessica said from the other side of me as she took hold of my other arm, and the words associated with Taps came to mind.

By the time the last note rang out, tears were streaming down my face. I watched as a team of sailors removed the flag from Nick’s coffin and quickly and expertly folded it. The senior man on the team handed the flag to Karl, who was Nick’s superior, who then brought the flag to Bethany and handed it to her.

“On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Navy, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for Nick’s honorable and faithful service.”

Bethany accepted the flag and put it on her lap. And at that point, I saw the first tear drip down her face. She’d held it together, at least in public, until the very last moment. People began filtering away, most stopping to touch the coffin. The military men were the last to leave, with Karl escorting Bethany towards the waiting car. She stopped, whispered something to him, handed Nicholas to Ginny, and then walked back to me.

“Come with me,” she said softly.

I held out my arm, and she looped hers around mine. She directed me away from where everyone was standing, and we began walking.

“How are you?” she asked.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”

“I suppose so, but I’m worried about you. I know you well enough that I’m afraid of what’s going on inside that thick skull of yours.”

“Bethany, you need to worry about yourself and Nicholas right now,” I said.

“I have lots of people to help me, including you. But you can’t help if you shut down or lose control. I need you, Steve. Now more than ever. But differently. Do you understand?”

Did I understand? I thought I did. Trying to return to a relationship such as we’d had before she was with Nick or before I’d proposed to my wives was fraught with danger. The question was, could I handle that kind of relationship? ‘Old Steve’ certainly wouldn’t have been able to. At the slightest hint, he’d have made love with Bethany, and in the process wrecked everything. ‘New Steve’ couldn’t do that. Not now. Maybe not ever.

“I think so,” I said slowly.

“Do you? Really?”

“You need my friendship, companionship, and love. But not like it used to be. Not like before.”

“No, it can never be like it used to be. If we did that, we’d ruin everything for everyone, and neither of us wants that result.”

“No, we don’t ... Sweetheart,” I said.

Bethany looked over and smiled, “That’s exactly what I needed to hear right now, meant the way you meant it.”

“Good. What will you do?”

“Finish getting settled at my parents’ house. It’s a bit strange moving back into my old room. Nicholas is going to take the spare bedroom.”

“And then?” I asked.

“Practice. I need to get licensed in Ohio, but it’s not too difficult based on my education and my Illinois license. I already talked to Fran about working with her until I’m licensed. I might actually work with her longer. We’ll see.”

“Fran? As in Doctor Mercer?” I asked.

Bethany nodded, “Yes. It’s a bit tricky because I was a patient of hers, but we’ll work it out.”

“When did you arrange this?” I asked.

“I went to see her yesterday after we arrived. I called her from Guam a couple of times to talk. Are you really OK, Steve?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “The salute and Taps were just overwhelming. It was as if a switch was about to flip and turn off the power.”

Bethany nodded, “That’s why I called Doctor Mercer. When they came to tell me Nick had been shot, I was upset, obviously. And when they told me he wasn’t going to make it, I broke down for a bit. When it came time to disconnect the machines, I called Fran, and then I basically shut down. I turned off all my emotions, everything. All I cared about was Nicholas. The Navy did everything else for me, for which I’m grateful. Don’t shut down, Steve.”

“I haven’t been writing,” I confessed. “I wrote to try to make sense of the world, and this just blows that all to smithereens.”

“Don’t give up on that. Finding meaning is important. I have Nicholas now, and I have to be there for him. He’s the meaning of my life at the moment. You have your wives, Elyse, Jennifer, and all the kids, not to mention your business and your friends. Find your meaning there and let the world worry about itself. You can’t shoulder the entire burden. Way smarter people than you have tried and failed.”

“Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?” I asked.

“Morons,” she said, completing the line from The Princess Bride. “But you know what I mean.”

“Yes, philosophers have struggled with the question for several millennia now.”

“So why do YOU have to be the one to solve it? Why do you think you can solve it?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Don’t shut down,” she said sharply. “Don’t. Go back to writing.”

“I just can’t, Sweetheart. Not now.”

We slowly made our way back to where Karl and Ginny were waiting with Nicholas. Bethany and I hugged, and she kissed me on the cheek, then took her son back from Ginny, and they made their way to the car.

“How is she?” Kathy asked.

“Better than I am,” I said. “For the moment. I think it’ll all hit her now that the ceremonies are over, and she has to get on with her life.”

“Any idea what she’ll do?” Kara asked.

I smiled, “She’s already talked to Doctor Mercer about working with her until she can get licensed in Ohio.”

“Already?” Kurt asked, surprised. “Wow.”

“That’s Bethany,” Jennifer said. “She always had her plans and didn’t let adversity get in her way.”

“So what now?” Jessica asked.

“Now we go back to Donna Grossi’s house and relax. Donna Grossi is making us dinner. Tomorrow, we have lunch with Larry, Drew, Jake, and Joyce. Afterwards, we’re going to see Paul and Nancy with the kids and then going out to dinner with them. Elyse will be with her parents. I’m not sure what Jennifer and Josie are doing.”

“We’re going out with Larry and Drew,” Jennifer said. “Jesse is going with you, if that’s OK.”

“It’s always OK! Where are you guys headed?”

“No idea yet,” Larry said. “We’ll figure something out.”

We made our way to the cars, and before I got in, I went to talk to my dad.

“The plan is still to leave Sunday morning,” I said. “We’ll come by Mason to get you so that Mom doesn’t have to drive over to Colerain Township.”

“Nonsense! That adds nearly two hours in the car for the kids. Your mother will drive me over to Colerain Township.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

December 31, 1989, Chicago, Illinois

“You’re still having the New Year’s Eve party?” my sister asked.

“Yes, it’s a tradition, and quite a few people would be disappointed if we didn’t. I don’t feel like having a party, but my friends need it, so we’re doing it.”

“They’d understand, Son,” my dad said.

“Yes, they would. But I have to do this. We talked this morning in the car on the way home about how I’m feeling.”

“Maybe you need to see someone,” Stephanie said. “Maybe that guy you saw here when you were having some issues.”

“Doctor Alborg? He was OK, but there was something that just didn’t click. Our marriage counselor, Doctor Green, is a great guy, and I like him, but he’s a relationship counselor. I guess I’d have to find someone else.”

“What about that woman you saw back in Milford?” my dad asked. “She helped you quite a bit when you were younger.”

I nodded, “Yes, she did. But I can’t think about this right now. Elyse and I have so much to do for tonight. Squirt, are you still going to do the shopping?”

“Yes. Abbie and Katy are going with me. We’ll leave in a bit. Katy took stock of the liquor cabinets, and I have the list you gave me for food. OK to take the minivan?”

“Yes,” I replied. “And, thanks.”

Elyse, Kara, Jessica, and I got to work preparing the house for the party. Sofia and Stavros arrived late in the afternoon to help with food preparation. I also confirmed with her that she was going to read «Nyårsklockan». Around 8:00pm, our guests began to arrive, and it hit me that Bethany and Nick wouldn’t be at the party. All the emotional feelings came roaring back, so I went to my study and shut the door. I sat at my desk, taking deep breaths, trying to keep it together.

I thought about why I was feeling the way I was, and while the loss of a friend hurt, Bethany’s loss made me hurt for her. The senselessness of the entire situation weighed heavily on me. I stared at my Mac, wondering if I should try to write in my journal, but I couldn’t. There was nothing to write. Sure, I could pour out my angst, but that wouldn’t help me answer the myriad of questions swirling in my mind, most of which began with ‘Why?’ and appeared to have no answers.

“Tiger?” I heard Jessica say as she and Kara came into my study.

“Sorry,” I said. “I was just thinking about Bethany and Nick not being here, and I needed some time alone. I’ll come out now.”

“We’re worried about you,” she said.

“I know,” I sighed. “I just can’t wrap my head around this, and that’s just making things worse. And I can’t write.”

“That’s not good, Snuggle Bear,” Kara said. “Maybe you should see Doctor Alborg to get some help.”

I shook my head, “No. He’s not the right person. I talked to my dad about this earlier. He suggested Doctor Mercer. But that’s tough because she’s in Milford. Let’s forget this now and attend to our guests.”

The party came off well, despite my mood, and we had something to actually celebrate — two things, actually. Poland had officially ended ‘state socialism’ in favor of a capitalist system and had withdrawn from the Warsaw Pact. The Cold War was effectively over. And, more importantly, close to home, Sofia announced that she was pregnant.

January 1, 1990, Chicago, Illinois

“Do you have some time to talk?” I asked Abbie after lunch on New Year’s Day.

“Sure. Always. The Indian room? Your study?”

“Your room, if that’s OK,” I said.

She smiled, “Always. You don’t come to see me very often.”

We walked upstairs to her room, and I pointed to the loveseat, not the bed.

“I thought...” she said.

I smiled, “Yes, but I need to explain first.”

“Explain what? That you’re hurting? That you’re confused? That you talk better after sex? Those things are pretty obvious. I have known you for nearly a year now.”

“Yes, you have,” I said with a smile.

“Then come make love to me, and we can talk afterwards.”

I got up and took her in my arms. We exchanged a very soft French kiss and carefully undressed each other. There was no rush, just a slow progression towards a very fulfilling act of intimacy. Usually, Abbie and I had very athletic encounters, but not this time. This time, she was as soft and loving as any girl I’d ever met because she understood that’s what I needed.

The previous night, Kimmy had taken me aside around 10:30pm. We couldn’t make love, given her relationship status, but we could have a very intimate talk. She’d let Gary know that she needed to talk to me, and he’d agreed. Kimmy and I talked for about ten minutes, and she did her best to help me cheer up. She’d also encouraged me to talk to someone just as my dad and wives had done earlier in the day.

When Abbie and I finished, I pulled her into my usual cuddling position, though the metal in her nipple created a strange sensation in my side.

“You’re struggling with all the death that seems to surround you,” Abbie said without prompting.

“Yes,” I sighed. “In the last twelve years or so, Birgit, Don Joseph, Stephie, and now Nick. And before that, even though I didn’t know him, Jim McGrath.”

“Who was that?”

“A soldier who was killed in Vietnam. I was an altar boy at his funeral. He’s actually buried in that same cemetery. Years later, his widow was my first.”

“And they all affected you this way?”

“Each one was different,” I said. “Except for the fact that the person is gone.”

“This is what we talked about back in Albany,” she said. “Your worldview against mine. And you’re still not ready to accept mine. I’m not sure you ever will be or that you should be. It’s not you. Despite all your external negativity, you’re an optimist at heart. You always expect the good. And when it doesn’t happen, your spirit is crushed.”

Chapter 4 »