Chapter 31: Lagom

October 6, 1990, Chicago, Illinois

“Glad to see you here this morning!” Sensei Jim said.

“Sorry about Thursday, but I wanted to watch the Reds!”

“They won yesterday, right?”

They had. The Reds had scored in the first, and Tom Browning had pitched a great game, giving up only a single run on a lead-off home run by Jose Lind in the 5th. The Reds got the run right back in the bottom of the fifth when Paul O’Neill doubled in Herm Winningham. Dibble and Meyers took the game from Browning in the 7th, and the Reds easily held on to win 2–1.

“Yep! The series is tied 1–1. But because there’s a Steelers game on Sunday, the next game isn’t until Monday in Pittsburgh.”

“Are you going to miss class again?”

I shook my head, “No. The game is at 2:20pm. So I’ll be here.”

“Good. Take the lower belts to the other room and work on kata today, please!”

“Yes, Sensei!” I said.

After our exercises, I took seven students into the smaller training room. There were several new white belts, and of course, both Melody and Jacquelyn were gone, along with a few other college-age students. They were replaced by younger kids, and that was pretty much how things had gone over the years. There was only one girl in the group I had with me, Melissa, and she was ten. The others were all guys ranging from nine to sixteen. We worked on kata as I’d been asked and then rejoined the main class to be dismissed.

“Steve, come to my office, please,” Sensei Jim said. “And you too, Jolene.”

Jolene and I looked at each other and gave small shrugs, indicating that we had no idea what Sensei Jim wanted. We followed him into his office, bowed, and then sat down when he nodded towards the chairs.

“I have something to tell you, and then I need to make a request,” he said. “My wife was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma and is starting aggressive treatment at the end of next week. This won’t come as a surprise, but I need to give priority to being with my wife during the treatment, which lasts about a month. Then, they reëvaluate and decide on the next step. The good news is that it’s Stage 1, and they caught it very early. But obviously, I’m going to have less time here at the dōjō, most likely for quite some time.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jolene said.

I nodded in agreement and asked, “How can we help?”

“I know you both work, so the daytime classes are difficult for you, but I spoke to Sensei Ichirō, and he is going to cover the lunchtime and afterschool classes for me. I need you two to cover the evening and Saturday classes. Can you do this for me?”

“Of course, Sensei,” I said.

“Yes, of course, Sensei,” Jolene agreed.

“Thank you, both,” he said with a heavy sigh.

“Is she being treated at UofC?” I asked.

“Yes. That’s right, you know quite a few doctors there because of Jessica. My wife’s doctor is Doctor Cass Pendergrass.”

“I don’t know him,” I said. “Most of the ones I do know are in the emergency medicine or surgery specialties. Is there anything else we can do for you?”

“Covering the dōjō is the main thing. I’ll be around and in and out, but not regularly. You two did a tremendous job while I was in Japan.”

“If there’s anything else we can do, please let us know,” Jolene said.

“I will,” Sensei Jim replied. “And thank you.”

It was clear he was finished, so we stood, bowed, and walked out of his office to where Jessica was waiting for us. She asked with her eyes what the issue was, and I told her the same way to wait. The three of us walked out of the dōjō and down the sidewalk.

“Sensei Jim’s wife has Hodgkin’s lymphoma,” I said. “He said it’s Stage 1, and she’s starting treatment with Doctor Cass Pendergrass later this week.”

“I know the name. He’s a top doc in oncology. He’s come for consults in the ER.”

“What’s the prognosis?” I asked.

“Well, I’m not an oncologist, and I don’t have her medical records, but if it’s Stage 1, and they use the standard ABVD protocol, I’d say they’re decent. Five-year survival is close to 90%.”

“ABVD?” I asked.

“It’s the abbreviations for the four chemo drugs. I’d have to look it up. I knew them during my chemo rotation, but it’s not something we do in the ER or in surgery, so I don’t have to have it memorized. I take it he’s going to take some time off?”

“Yes. He asked Sensei Ichirō to cover the lunchtime and afterschool classes and asked us to cover the evening and Saturday classes. Jolene and I will figure out who does what, but if she’s OK with it, I’ll plan for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and we’ll share Saturday.”

“That works for me,” Jolene said.

“Then we have a plan,” I said.

“When will Kara be back?” she asked.

“In a couple of weeks,” I said.

“OK. I’ll see you on Monday night,” Jolene said.

She turned towards her apartment, and Jessica and I walked home. We showered, had lunch with Kara and the kids, and then hung out in the sunroom until Claire arrived promptly at 1:30pm. I greeted her at the door, and we went to my study.

“Tell me what you’re having trouble with,” I said.

“I’m getting confused trying to write my flowcharts and come up with a proper algorithm.”

“What’s the problem that you’re trying to solve?” I asked.

“A bubble sort,” she said. “Numeric to start with, but part two is alphanumeric. Then, we also have to write an insertion sort to do both. I also need to write a short paper on how efficient each one is. It’s due in a week.”

“OK. Where do you get the data?”

“We have to read from a file provided by the professor. There are three different numeric files and three different alphanumeric files.”

“So, talk to me about how you think a bubble sort should be done,” I said. “Not necessarily in computer terms, but just the concepts.”

We spent the next forty minutes just talking about how to evaluate a problem and develop an algorithm. By the end of that conversation, I felt she had a pretty good grasp of the issues, and she’d developed, with careful prodding by me, pseudocode for each problem.

“If I go to the lab now and then tomorrow morning, can I call you if I get stuck?”

“Sure.”

“When are you free during the week?”

“It would pretty much have to be at lunch. My office is on Hyde Park Avenue, so it’s close to the university.”

“OK. If I have questions, can I ask tomorrow before or after the Rap Session?”

“Sure. I think we solved the core issue — how to approach the problem and design a solution. Before I forget, are you allowed to optimize these algorithms?”

“No. That’s the next assignment after we get the basic programs done and look at their performance and efficiency.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow for the Rap Session then.”

“Thanks!”

She left, and I went to find Jessica and Kara, who were with Abbie and the kids in the sunroom. Birgit held up her arms, and I picked her up and then sat down next to Kara.

“How’d it go?”

“Fine. UofC splits its generic computer course, which all engineers have to take, from the one that CS majors take, so it’s tougher than IIT’s first semester. But IIT’s second semester is tougher for CS majors, so it all kind of balances out in the end.”

“She’s cute, too!” Kara laughed.

“Yes, she is. So?”

“Who are you, and what have you done with my husband?” Kara giggled.

“Fine,” I chuckled. “She’s my type — cute, brunette, nice figure, small breasts, smart. But she didn’t express a scintilla of interest.”

“And you’ve never played coy? Or run into a girl who played coy?”

“Kara, nothing is happening,” I protested. “I’m tutoring her.”

“Don’t get so defensive, Snuggle Bear. You’ve been the model of good behavior since Jess came home.”

“And you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?” I asked.

“Oh, no! Nothing like that! Jess and I want you to be happy!”

“And you think sex with other girls is what makes me happy?”

“That’s part of it. A much smaller part than in the past, but it is who you are, Steve. And fighting it too hard is probably not good for you.”

“You think I’m fighting it? Rather than it being a natural change?”

“We do,” Jessica said from where she was sitting on the other side of Kara.

I wondered how true that was. I knew I was somewhat self-conscious about my behavior, but to me, that seemed like the right thing to do, given everything that had happened since Jessica had her meltdown. But I wondered if they had a point. I HAD changed my behavior, and I’d done so intentionally and with a purpose. I WAS avoiding girls who were ‘Steve types’ because I was worried about reverting to my old self. It wasn’t about sex with other girls but about staying in control. And I was worried that I would get out of control.

Part of my concern was that if I had time for a dalliance, wouldn’t that time be better spent with either Elyse or Abbie, both of whom, at times, I felt I was neglecting? What would THEY say if I took time that I could have spent with them and spent them with a random girl? How would I feel? Even with permission from my wives and even from Elyse, I still had second thoughts about the idea of dalliances.

I was also concerned about going too far in the other direction. If I fought myself too much, I was at risk for another ‘dramatic episode’ if something went badly wrong in my life. All that pent-up desire, even if I wasn’t feeling it right now, was like a bomb waiting to go off. The question I was asking myself now was how to find the right balance in everything. To make my life «lagom» — just right.

I thought about Claire and wondered if I’d missed any signals. It was entirely possible that I had because I wasn’t really looking for those kinds of signs. I had to decide if I was going to look for them and, if I was, what I’d do about it. I had to maintain SOME kind of limits. The limits that the girls had set felt too broad; the leash seemed too long. What I needed to do was figure out where the limits ought to be.

“Maybe I am,” I said after what had to have seemed to them a long silence.

October 7, 1990, Chicago, Illinois

“I’m here for Jesse,” I said to Josie.

“He’s ready,” she said, then called out, “Jesse, your dad is here!”

“Coming, Mama Two!” he called from the family room and then walked into the kitchen.

“Hi, Jesse. Ready for church?”

“Yes!”

“Aunt Jess, Aunt Kara, Matthew, and Birgit are waiting for us in the van.”

“Not Michael and Albert?”

“No. And not Stephie. They’re staying with Abbie.”

“OK. I want to stand with Vasily!”

“You may.”

“Yes!” he said triumphantly.

We walked out to the van, and I helped Jesse get into his booster seat. He was very happy to not be in a regular car seat. Once he was settled, I got into the driver’s seat and started the van. I backed out of the driveway, and we headed to Carol Stream.

The drive was quiet, which let me continue thinking about the conversation from the previous night. After I’d admitted that I might be fighting against myself and setting myself up for a bigger fall, neither of my wives had said anything, and it seemed clear that they intended to let me think about it and raise the issue when I was ready to talk about it again. I just needed to figure out how to balance all the competing demands on my time, as well as my needs and the needs of everyone that depended on me.

Sensei Jim’s request the previous morning had thrown a small monkey wrench into the works because it meant that unless Jolene or Therese could cover a class for me, I couldn’t skip. By itself, it wasn’t a big deal, but when I added in my CEO duties and my task list for the legal software, not to mention family and friends, and balancing all of THAT was a challenge in and of itself. I also had to accommodate Jessica’s odd schedule because I didn’t want to break the tradition of walking her to and from work. Something had to give, and it had been my dalliances.

Actually, that wasn’t the only thing that I had given up. I’d stopped skydiving, more or less stopped playing chess, had little time for computer games, and hadn’t traveled purely for pleasure since I’d been to Russia except for a week in San Francisco. I’d given up going to Dawsonville, New York, and to a point, even Ohio, though I’d made the time for Bethany and Nicholas after Nick’s death. I’d also given up, or at least deferred, serving on IIT’s Alumni Board, the idea of working on a Master’s degree so that I could teach part-time and, with the exception of Claire, tutoring.

Many of those things weren’t high priorities in my life or even priorities at all. I didn’t even read as much as I’d used to, which bothered me more than most of those other things. All of them, except perhaps reading and chess, had been conscious decisions. Deciding what my priorities were and which things I absolutely had to make time for, such as making time on Sunday mornings, at least occasionally, to go to church.

That was another one of my conundrums — my spirituality. I didn’t know what it was, and if I assumed that Orthodoxy, which held a great attraction, was true, then my lifestyle choices were in direct conflict with it. One thing I knew that I wanted to do was expose my children to some kind of spirituality without any pressure to believe or accept it. Jesse had taken to it like a duck to water, but as he got older, I wondered if it would ‘stick’ any more than the Roman Church had with me, or the Evangelical churches had stuck with Jessica or Kara. The thing was, no matter how attractive the tenets of the faith were, my relationship with Jessica and Kara presented an impediment which I wouldn’t overcome.

“What are you thinking about?” Jessica asked from the second row of seats where she was sitting with Kara.

“How to set priorities in my life and about spirituality.”

“Because of that brief conversation yesterday afternoon about dalliances?”

“Yes.”

“What concerns you?”

“How to set priorities. How to achieve a proper balance. You remember the Swedish word, «lagom», that I’ve used? That’s what I want to achieve. A balanced life where I manage whatever fate throws at me without going off the deep end.”

“You’re talking about the difference between what happened when Nick died as opposed to when I left you?”

“Yes. Or when Jennifer told me she was moving to Seattle or any other of my other dramatic episodes.”

“And you’re worried about fighting so hard against certain tendencies that you’ll snap at some point?”

“I guess that undergrad psych degree was worth something after all,” I chuckled. “Yes. That’s what I was thinking about last night. But it’s more than that. It’s not taking time away from things that are a priority and not neglecting the family, the company, or our friends.”

“And you think a dalliance will mess that up?”

“Not in and of itself,” I said. “But if I’m already worried about not having enough time for Elyse or Abbie, how can it be right to be with another girl?”

“Because it would take time away from them?” Kara interjected.

“Yes,” I said.

“Don’t you think both of them understand?” Jessica asked.

“Understand? Sure. But I believe Elyse needs more attention now than she did before. And Abbie has always wanted more attention, though she knows there are serious limits because of the situation she walked into.”