Chapter 4

“But was I all right? (Was I all right?)
Did I take you to the height of ecstasy?
Was I all right? (Was I all right?)
Did a shadow of emotion cross your face?
Or was it just another trick of the light?”
—The Who, “Trick of the Light”

Hi. My name’s Susan. Yes, really me this time.

Julie’s pep talk did its job. Or she did the Thing to me, either one. It still worked. I knew I could do this now. Rachel sitting cross-legged on the mat in her underwear when I came into the room was also a big help.

I sat down on the mat across from her, debating stripping to my underwear as well so she wouldn’t feel awkward, but then I remembered the Seinfeld bit about “pants beat no pants” and figured that would help with controlling the situation. The vibe I was getting from Rachel was that at any moment, I could simply step forward and kiss her (A plan that Suzy-Ho approved.); however, there was still that middle step of attaining control to deal with. Based on everything I’d studied, going into the teacher role would put me in the dominant position.

“Ok, honestly,” I said, remembering that in-road I’d established back in the coffee shop. “This first pose to learn is so basic that it’s called the Child Pose. If you have any knee issues, go ahead and ease your legs into position as gradually as is comfortable.” She followed along as I showed her the starting position.

“I’ve never had any problems being on my knees, Susan,” she replied with an even cuter smile than before. I smiled back, but not a smile as big as hers. Laughing at or acknowledging that statement too much could blow everything now.

“That’s good, Rachel. And we want to walk forward slowly with our hands, mindful of our breathing. Inhaling and exhaling through the nose when possible. Gently, like you’re sniffing a flower rather than taking a big breath.” I took a breath to show her and she followed my example. “And gently resting your stomach on your thighs, keep lowering yourself deeper until your forehead is resting on the mat.”

I listened for a moment to make certain that Rachel was breathing properly before continuing. Then came the tricky part. I can’t really explain it any better than “emphasizing my will toward her” as I changed my tone of voice to a more soothing one.

“Of course, one of the most important things about yoga is the relaxation that it brings. You’re starting to feel that now as we hold the pose, aren’t you, Rachel? Becoming more and more relaxed as you rest your head on the mat?”

“Oh, yes,” she exhaled. “I’m honestly feeling it now.”

“Thank you, Rachel. As I said earlier, I’m more of a secretary than an instructor, so it’s very important that you honestly tell me how I’m doing here. Just continue to breath and relax.”

“I’ll tell you honestly, Susan,” she said, sounding a bit more distant. “It’s important.”

It was working! I slowly, quietly rose to my feet and looked down at her; head bowed, arms outstretched, like a supplicant worshipping at the feet of a jungle goddess, and I felt it! The confidence that I’d sought and thought I’d had a grasp on so many times before; what I’d started to feel before the encounter with Helen that set me back to zero, was now filling me, but so much more. It felt amazing ... it felt different ... it felt...

Snow was on the ground outside the 1977 Lincoln Continental that I was driving down a deserted road through the woods. I was wearing a red knit hat, a big warm coat, and had a blue-and-white scarf around my neck. The other women were in the car with me, but this time, they looked different.

“Great job, kid,” Sue said from the front seat with a little chuck to the arm. Instead of wearing her usual outfit, she was wearing a red sweater over our old waitressing uniform. “Always knew you could do it.”

“Ooh yeah,” said Suzy-Ho from the seat behind me. She was wearing a bright yellow sweater, but true to herself, wore no pants or underwear and the seat beneath her was as wet as the insides of her thighs. “When do we go for her?”

“Be patient,” I said over my shoulder. “It’s just now working here.” I looked in the rearview mirror, then turned to the seat behind Sue, where Suzy-Q was in a green sweater over the vinyl fetish version of a French maid’s uniform, holding back tears. “Something wrong?”

“I ... just...” Her voice was coming in the little gasps of imminent tears. And then the dam broke as she sobbed “You’re going to get rid of me!”

I suddenly turned around and climbed over the seat into the back. Sue slid over and took the wheel while I wriggled in-between Suzy-Q and Suzy-Ho and turned to face Suzy-Q. Sue yelled back at me.

“Dammit, woman, DON’T DO THAT! I know we’re all figments or ‘Your Voices’ or whatever, but that’s still a fucking stupid move!” Even though this was all in my head, Sue was right, and at the same time, I didn’t want to hear it right now, so I gave her a “just drive the fuckin’ car” look and turned to Suzy-Q. I tried to put my arms around her and she tried to scoot away, but even in an imaginary big 70s car, with three people in the back, she didn’t have far to go.

“Hey,” I said to her. “Why would you think I’d do that?”

“B-because you think I hold you back or bring you down. Don’t you think I hear the way you all talk about me? ‘Chad’s Whipped Mule, ‘ ‘just a thing to be used, ‘ ‘get us gang-raped in an alley just to feel some kind of validation?’ Suzy-Ho’s the only one who’s not mean to me, and that’s just because she wants to fuck me like she wants to fuck everyone!” I turned to look at Suzy-Ho for comment; she was busy touching herself and nodding in agreement.

“And now ... now you’ve got this precious confidence of yours and you all think I’m just dead weight in here. You always talk about how Sue kept us alive when we were with Chad. Well, what about ME? I did what I had to as well! I gave in to every horrible thing he wanted and became his slave because YOU know what happened when Sue tried to hit back; who we became then!”

Sue slammed on the brakes and stopped the car, turning around in the seat with an “I will kick your ass” look on her face. Suzy-Ho took her fingers out of her pussy and quivered in fear. I let go of Suzy-Q. All of us stared at her in silence for a moment.

“Suzy-Q,” I said as softly as I could. “Honey, we don’t EVER talk about her. Troy and Julie don’t even know about her, and I hope they never find out.”

“Well, you’re just as ashamed of me as you are of her. And now that you’re getting the hang of this controlling people thing, where am I going to go? You’ll send me away to be with her.”

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and slid up to her; putting my arm around her shoulder.

“Suzy, I’d never do that,” I told her. “To anyone, but least of all you. You’re more important than you know, dear: You’re the one who bears the scars for the rest of us.” I looked around and stared Sue and Suzy-Ho in the eyes. “The ones we all work so hard to forget that sometimes we forget to appreciate you for it too.” They both slowly nodded in agreement. I turned back to her.

“You remind me of where I came from; and not to get full of myself. And I’m gonna need the hell out of you now more than ever! If I listen to HER all the time,” I said, pointing at Sue. “We probably WILL end up ruling a country and having wars with Helen.” Sue gave a “well, yeah, probably” shrug at that. “And if I listen to HER all the time,” jerking my thumb over my shoulder at Suzy-Ho. “We’ll end up doing gangbang videos for the rest of our life.” Suzy-Ho’s mouth opened. I turned to her and said “NO” before turning back to Suzy-Q. She was still crying, but the tears were slowing. Then she looked up at me.