Chapter 8: Baring One’s Soul

December 4, 1988, Chicago, Illinois

"Hi," I said when Jolene came into the dojo on Sunday morning.

"Good morning!" she said happily.

"You seem very chipper this morning," I said.

"I interviewed for a new job on Thursday. I think I'll get it."

"Oh?"

"A much bigger medical practice. About a 25% raise and more authority. They don't use your software. They still do everything on paper."

"Will you be the one to make the decision?" I asked.

"Perhaps a quid pro quo is in order," she said.

"I'm almost afraid to ask what you want from me," I chuckled. "I can think of several different ways that could go!"

"You are impossible, you know that?"

"I do. And that's what you like about me!"

"The sick part is, you're right. The fact that you ARE impossible is what's helped me start to figure things out. Though I probably could have done without you fucking my fourteen-year-old daughter."

"I believe I made it clear that I won't apologize for doing that," I said. "I'm sure you know that there was no coercion involved."

Jolene laughed, "That's not true, and you know it. It just wasn't YOU that did the coercing!"

"I take full responsibility for what I did. I don't blame Hope, or anyone else, for that matter. I'm a big boy. I could have said 'no'; I chose not to."

"Most guys would be cowering in the corner or trying to lay the blame on someone else."

"Why? I did what I did. And, to be honest, I'd do it again. Call me a dog if you want. Or a pig. Or whatever, but I'm honest about what I want and what I do."

"What DO you want?"

I chuckled, "Well, there is this fantasy I have ... and you even told your daughter that it excited you!"

"She and I had a talk about revealing confidences like that! Look, it's totally true that the idea is exciting, but what was it you said about some fantasies having to stay fantasies PERMANENTLY? Would YOU have a threesome with one of YOUR kids?"

"Hell no," I replied. "But that's me. If you haven't noticed, I only hold ME to MY standards. What other people do is up to them. It's one of my secrets for not being offended by everything around me the way some people are."

"I'm not sure you HAVE any standards if you fuck fourteen-year-old-girls."

"Says the woman who got pregnant at thirteen! I do have standards. I will NOT mess with any girl who is involved with a friend of mine. And I will NOT mess with any of my own kids. I also don't pursue young girls. But if they pursue me, and I think they are mature enough and competent to make that decision, then I MIGHT do what they ask."

"So if Hope wants you again, you'll do it with her?"

"Depending on the circumstances, and my judgment of her emotional state, yes, of course. I LIKED it, Jolene. SHE liked it. WE liked it. And I'll remind you that's the exact same situation that you and I are in! Or have you now decided that you didn't like it or that you don't still want me? I bet you DO! In fact, I bet you're jealous that Hope got me twice, and you only got me once!"

"You are a real asshole, you know that!" she spat.

She had a good point. I was over the line with her with that last comment.

"You're right. I'm sorry I said that; it was completely out of line."

"And honest," she sighed. "Now what?"

"As I said last Sunday, it's up to you. If you want to fuck, we can fuck. If not, then we won't. The same is basically true for Hope. How did you leave things with her?"

"We don't agree. She wants you again. I think she's making a big mistake. I also don't think it will do me any good to tell you to stay away from her."

"Actually, it would," I said. "You are still her mother. If you clearly tell me to stay away in no uncertain terms, I will. I won't agree with you, but I will honor your wishes."

"You are a very strange guy."

"You've said that. Why? Look, I think teenagers are treated like little kids when they are no such thing, and that treatment leads to all kinds of problems. Hope isn't a toddler, Jolene. She's a young woman with her own needs and desires who has the ability to make many of her own decisions if you allow her to. Your job as a mom is to provide guidance, but then allow her to make her own decisions."

"Are there no limits? Would you let your kids do ANYTHING?"

"No, of course not. But the limits have to be discussed. I will always reserve the right to intervene if I think my child is in danger, and that doesn't stop when they turn eighteen. The LEVEL of intervention may be different, but it doesn't end. Let me ask you this. Does Hope get good grades?"

"Yes. Very."

"And does she do drugs? Smoke? Drink?"

"No."

"She's healthy and eats right?"

"Yes."

"And she keeps her room clean, does her chores, and generally obeys you?"

"Yes."

"And she's dutiful about her dance lessons and practices?"

"Yes."

"And she's a sweet, polite young woman."

"Mostly," Jolene smirked.

"And you think losing her virginity at fourteen outweighs ALL of that?" I asked, incredulously. "Seriously?"

"When you put it that way, I guess not."

"She also takes her birth control pills religiously. So there's little risk there."

"OK! OK! You made your point, you jerk!"

"Good," I said with a small smile. "Then talk with her, agree to limits, and you'll have a MUCH better relationship with your sexually active teenager than most parents. Trust me on this one. I think your experience tells you the same thing, too."

"How the hell did you get to be so wise at age 25?"

"Fate has beaten the living shit out of me for the past eleven years. And she hasn't given up. But you know what? Five years or so ago, I decided to fight the bitch and win. She keeps throwing vicious punches, and landing quite a few, but she hasn't stopped me yet. I just find ways to cope with her bullshit."

"Sex?" Jolene asked.

"Right now, yes. That's my coping mechanism. It's working, too. I should be totally down in the dumps and depressed, but I'm not. Why? Because I'm getting laid. A lot."

"Why tell ME that?"

"We're being honest here, right? We're baring our souls. Well, I've bared mine to you and you've bared yours to me. That's part of the personal growth we've talked about. Being able to have these conversations is super important. Here's an interesting dilemma for you. With our relationship here at the dojo, sex is a double-edged sword. It could help or it could hurt. You have to decide which kind of intimacy you want."

"Me? What about you? And what do you mean, which kind of intimacy?"

"See, if you knew the answer to THAT question, you would know why sex doesn't confuse me. We're already intimate. Sex is just another level of intimacy, and it's actually a lesser one than baring your soul to someone. Tell me, did you and Kenny bare your souls to each other? Or just your genitals? You don't have to tell me, because I already know the answer."

"Wow," she said.

"Exactly. It's really easy to bare your genitals. You and I did that without much thought a few months ago. I had to basically break your will to get you to bare your soul."

"And that's true intimacy?"

"Yes, it is. Sex is just, well, sex. Putting a penis in a vagina doesn't take any thought. Pouring out your heart — your true self — sure does. One of those is truly frightening. The other is a little scary the first time. Which do you think is which?"

"Uh, yeah. Fucking Kenny was simple. Talking to him was nearly impossible. I was always afraid of how he would react."

"And talking to Hope?"

"We started when she was little, so it was easier. That's why I could tell her the things I did."

"Including about the fantasy?" I teased.

"That was a mistake!"

"Having the feelings or telling her?"

"Both, actually. Your point about not messing with your own kids is really, really important if you're going to be as sexually free and open as you are. It would be WAY too easy to make a disastrous mistake."

"Exactly. So when you go home, make sure you tell Hope that. And why. This is about making healthy choices about the things we do with our bodies and who we do them with. If I could teach one lesson to every person in America, that would be it. A second one would be that teenagers need the freedom to make their own decisions in as many areas as possible, with guidance from their parents. And yes, as I said before, it's occasionally necessary for parents to put their feet down to protect a child. But only occasionally. Kids need to be able to fail and learn to fail. Your goal is to keep the consequences of that failure within reasonable bounds. And sometimes that will mean saying 'no'."

"If you're trying to talk me into happily letting you fuck my daughter..."

"This has nothing to do with Hope and me. It's just my general take on life. It does have to do with your relationship with Hope. As I said, tell me to stay away and I will. But you have to deal with her when you do. I don't."

"Speaking of teenagers, how did your date with Jacqui go?"

"Just fine. She had a great time. She let me know that she was asked to go on a date and she's going to do that after Christmas break. I'd say my mission was completely successful."

"Did she ask you yet?" Jolene smirked.

"Ask me what?"

"Give me a break. After this conversation we just had? You know damned well what I mean and playing dumb says that not only did she ask, but you did!"

That was quite true. But there was no way I could admit that.

"What the heck are you talking about? Even if we assume that your wild-ass guess is correct, I'd have to deny it anyway to protect her privacy. It's a silly question, because the only possible answer from a gentleman is 'what are you talking about?'. She's not your daughter. And you know what? If you hadn't caught me in bed with Hope, and you came to me and asked if I was fucking her, I'd tell you to go ask her and that whatever she told you was the truth. I've ALWAYS responded that way when there was an interested party. Otherwise, it's none of anyone's business."

"Interesting."

"Another lesson I've learned over the years. If someone does not have a direct interest in the situation, it's none of their business. And something you need to remember with Hope — she has no obligation to tell you if she's sleeping with someone. You can ask, but she can tell you that it's none of your business. If you have a good relationship and open communication, that probably won't happen."

"I want to ask something, but you have to promise not to get upset."

"OK."

"Do you think I'm making progress?"

"Yes. But that's not the answer to the question you're really asking. Only Sensei Jim can answer that, and I daresay you don't want to ask him. Just keep moving along this path of self-discovery. And I'll help however I can."

"I have one more question," Jolene said.

"Shoot."

"If we fuck, is it just once? Or could it happen more often?"

"I can't commit to sex in advance, because I don't know what's going to change, but there are no artificial limits like there were before. I don't have any conditions, really."

"Thanks for being honest. I need to talk with Hope more. I'm not sure I can handle having sex with the same man as my daughter. And please keep your distance for another week or so."

"I understand. You are making good progress."

"Thanks. For everything. Hope said to tell you 'hello'."

"Tell her I said 'Hi'."

We hugged, and she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and then I walked her home. We hugged again, and I left to walk back to the house, where I changed into regular clothes and then Kara and I left Birgit with Jennifer, and set out for Riverside.

"What are you going to say?" Kara asked.

"That I love her, that I want to help her, and that I want her to come home."

"Just make sure you stay calm. Yelling is not going to help."

"I know," I said. "Haven't I been calm since I got back from Ohio?"

"Yes, and that worries me a bit. Your history has been that you don't recover from body blows like the one Jessica landed that quickly."

"I've had lots of help," I said,

Almost all of it sexual, but she didn't need to know that yet.

"How was Jolene this morning?"

"We're making progress. I think I've finally cracked that hard outer shell. We had a talk this morning that was a lot like the ones I had with Anala."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No. That happened once. I don't know if it will ever happen again. It's not what's going on now. It's more about digging deep and figuring out who she is."

"The 'true intimacy' idea that Anala gave you?"

"Yes. That's what Jolene REALLY needs. I'm sure receiving a good fucking is on her list of things to do, but that's not what she needs right now. Or maybe ever."

"You know if you need a dalliance, I'm OK with it."

"I know, Honey. Let's focus on Jessica right now, please."

When we reached Riverside, Kara navigated from the map book while I drove, and we found the cul-de-sac where Carissa's bungalow was. I pulled into the driveway and shut off the engine. I took a deep breath and Kara and I got out of the car. I saw Jessica's car parked in the open garage, so I hoped that meant she was home.

"Are you sure we shouldn't have called first?" Kara asked as we walked to the door.

"And give her a chance to run away?" I asked, shaking my head. "No. I want to talk to her, even if she doesn't want to talk to me."

We reached the door, and I rang the bell. I heard footsteps and what might have been a whispered conversation, and then Carissa opened the door.

"Hi, Steve. She doesn't want to see you or talk to you."

"That's exceedingly obvious," I said. "Where is she?"

"Inside, but as I said..."

"Carissa, just let us in, please," I interrupted. "I won't make a scene. And if I have to talk through a closed door to her, that's fine. Thirty seconds is all I'm asking. Please?"

Carissa had a pensive look on her face, and it was clear that she wasn't sure what to do.

"Just let us talk to her, please," Kara asked in a very gentle voice. "We want to help her."

Carissa sighed. "What the hell? What can it hurt at this point? She's a complete mess."

We nodded, and she led us to a door. I wasn't sure where it led, but I knocked.

"Go away!"

"Jess, I'll go away as soon as I say what I came to say. Kara and I love you. We want to help you. Please, please come home. Or at least talk to us. Or to Doctor Barton. We're all concerned. Nobody is angry."

I waited for a minute, but there was no response.

"Jess, it's Kara. Please come home. We love you."

Another minute with no response.

"OK, Jess, we're leaving," I sighed. "The ball is in your court."

Kara and I walked back to the door, with Carissa following us.

"Now what?" Carissa asked.

"Now we go home," I said. "Short of breaking down the door and dragging her out of here, I've done what I can do. And trust me, I'm tempted to break the door down and drag her out. But forcing things won't help her, or us, for that matter. I don't know if she's talked to you or if you even know what's going on, but do your best to get her to call Doctor Albert Barton."

"He's been here, twice. He's had exactly the same response you did. One 'Go away!' and then silence. Her mom calls every day, but Jessica refuses to talk to her. I even called a social worker, but because Jessica is eating and not harming herself, there's nothing they can do."

"Let us know if anything changes," Kara said. "Day or night. You have our phone number and Steve's work number."

"I will," Carissa promised.

Kara and I walked back to the car and got in, I started the engine and put the car in reverse, backed out of the driveway, and then shifted into first. I started crying as I pressed the gas pedal and let out the clutch.

"Are you OK, Steve?"

"No," I sobbed. "I'm not OK. I'm not OK at all."

"Pull over. Don't try to drive like this."

I pulled off to the side of the road and set the emergency brake. I put my head on my arms across the steering wheel and cried hard for several minutes. Kara rubbed my back and did her best to soothe me until I managed to get control. She got the box of tissues we kept in the glove box and I took several so I could wipe my eyes and blow my nose.