Chapter 70: No Explanation

December 1, 1989, Chicago, Illinois

"What's the plan for our anniversary?" Jessica asked as she, Kara, and I cuddled in bed on Friday night.

"Making love!" Kara giggled.

"That's obvious!" Jessica replied. "I mean, are we going out to dinner? Or what?"

"How about Rosebud?" I suggested. "Or Morton's. Or Shaw's. Any of those would be fine."

"Rosebud is good. I did have to swap shifts to get that day free, as well as the 13th for your company party. I have to work twelve-hour shifts on Saturday and Sunday next week."

"Ugh," I said.

"Be glad I could trade! It's easier to trade to work on the weekend than to try it the other way. And I get weekend shifts starting in January."

"Do you know your schedule yet?"

"Yes. For January, I have day shifts one week, then night shifts the next. 4:00am to 4:00pm and then vice versa. I'll have Mondays and Tuesdays off."

"Double-ugh," Kara said. "I'll be in class, and Snuggle Bear will be working."

"We'll handle it," I said. "We're in a much better place than we were a year ago. And this is nothing like those horrid thirty-six-hour shifts!"

"Don't remind me!" Jessica sighed. "I am SO glad I didn't have to do that year over. How are you feeling, Kara?"

"Just fine! I never had a moment of trouble with Birgit, and I hope it will be the same with Jonathan or Stephie!"

"Are you going to peek?"

"No! I want to be surprised!"

Albert fussed in his crib.

"I think he's hungry," Jessica said. "Let me get him."

She disentangled herself from me and got out of bed. She walked over to Albert's crib and picked him up.

"Hi, Baby! Are you hungry?"

She moved him to her breast, and he quickly latched on and started sucking.

"I guess that answers THAT question," Kara giggled.

Jessica got back into bed, and we cuddled while she fed our son.

December 3, 1989, Chicago, Illinois

"Bush and Gorbachev just declared the Cold War over!" I said when CNN reported their joint statement from Malta.

"Just in time for a coup in the Philippines," Elyse said. "And Bush authorized US military involvement at the same time he's supposedly ratcheting things down with Russia."

"It's a bit complicated because we have Subic Bay and Clark Air Base there. And we've been pretty tight with Cory Aquino. I tried calling George early this morning but couldn't get through. I don't even know if that number is right after all these years. It was her parents' number back then. Now? Who knows?"

"Keep trying," Elyse said. "But how strong can Aquino be if she needs our military to stay in power?"

"A good point. Her Vice President has been making noises supporting the coup as well."

A few minutes later, Jolene arrived for the day's Rap Session, and just after she arrived, the students started filing in. The first thing I did was let them know that this would be the last meeting of the year and that we'd resume on January 7th. Nobody objected because school would be out, and more than half of them would be out of town for the holidays. Elyse and Kara left with the kids just after we started, but Jessica stayed with me. World events were such that they easily monopolized the discussion, especially the events in Eastern Europe over the past month.

When the Rap Session finished, I saw Becka take Abbie aside to talk to her. From their furtive glances, it was clear that they were talking about me. I wasn't going to give them a chance to draw me into the conversation, so I took Jessica's hand and led her to the sunroom. When Abbie came in, she didn't say anything and didn't have Becka with her either. I breathed a sigh of relief.

December 6, 1989, Chicago, Illinois

"I'm going to need another person in January," Elyse said. "That's especially true with Mario being very close to hiring a consultant in Pittsburgh. The consulting billing and receivables alone have become a full-time job."

"Would you consider a suggestion?" I asked.

"Sure."

"Chris Gibson from Belarus Tractors in Milwaukee. She's not happy in Milwaukee and wants to move."

"Are you still sleeping with her?"

"No. She wants to, but my interest has been limited ever since Jessica came back."

"Kimmy and Abbie, basically, though there were April, Patricia, Katy, and Lauren."

"But those last two are done. Lauren because she's clearly a lesbian, and Katy because of her relationship with Lauren. Patricia is done because of Jorge. April was fun, but I don't want another long-term thing. And Kimmy is over and done with."

"You think she'll stay with her new guy?"

"It seems like it, yes."

"So it's really just Abbie, then?"

"Yes. Though we actually spend a lot more time talking than we do fooling around these days."

"That's what she needs from you more than anything," Elyse said. "Oh sure, she wants good sex, but what she really needs is someone to talk to. And speaking of her, what's going on with Becka?"

"Absolutely nothing. Abbie has her, not knowing which end is up. Well, part of that is my fault, but Abbie poured gasoline on the fire at the Halloween party."

Elyse laughed, "I'll say!" But then she became more serious. "Maybe you are changing. You're actually considering the ramifications of your actions. And thinking things through. Being less reactive and more thoughtful is a good thing. Now, perhaps, you can worry less about 'why' things happen when sometimes there are just no explanations."

"I don't buy that," I said.

"Steve, Birgit has been dead for ten years. Why did she die?"

"I have no idea."

"Do you think you'll know ten years from now?"

"I hope so."

Elyse shook her head, "I don't think you will. Do you have an explanation about Stephie?"

"No," I sighed. "I don't."

"Because there is no explanation. I don't think there ever will be. Bad things happen. Birgit died. Stephie died. Bethany was in a terrible accident. There are no explanations for any of those things. And nobody can control those things. Nobody. Not you. Not me. Nobody."

"Can we go back to talking about staff, please?" I asked.

"Not yet. Did Stephie or Bethany ever ask WHY?"

"Not that I'm aware of," I sighed. "Can we PLEASE go back to talking about NIKA?"

"This conversation isn't over. We can do it now or later. Let's go home and have lunch."

"Fine," I sighed, acquiescing.

We put on our light Winter jackets, hats, and gloves and headed out of the office to walk home.

"I don't know that I can accept a universe that doesn't make sense to me," I said.

Elyse laughed, then stopped. "Sorry, I shouldn't have laughed. I was just thinking about quantum mechanics. You've read Stephen Hawking's book. Twice, even. Did it make sense?"

"It depends on what you mean by 'make sense'," I replied. "There's some crazy stuff that goes on at the quantum level. But there's a quote by Albert Einstein that I memorized.

"That's all fine and good," Elyse said. "Be curious. Contemplate the mysteries. But don't expect everything tied up with a neat little bow. There might be a grand unified theory for physics demonstrated one day, but there isn't going to be one for life."

I smiled, "Hawking would agree with you. In the book, he said 'The universe doesn't allow for perfection'."

"And didn't Plato write, 'I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.'?"

I nodded, "In The Republic."

"I take it you don't believe he was a moron," Elyse laughed.

"No. Vizzini was wrong about Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates," I chuckled. "Do you know my favorite Socrates quote?"

"No. What is it?"

"He said: 'By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.'"

Elyse laughed hard as we walked up the steps to the house. We went to the kitchen, fixed ourselves lunch, and took it to the Indian room to eat.

"So?" she asked.

"I just don't know. No, that's not actually true. Intellectually, I agree with you. Emotionally, I don't."

"More Spock, less Kirk. More Picard, less Riker. Either of those will do."

"I get your point. Picard is probably the right answer. Being thoughtful and philosophical without expecting to find answers to things that have no answer. Being in awe of the grandeur of the universe and paying respects to its mysteries."

"Yes, unless you want to immerse yourself deeply in religion, and I don't think that's for you. And honestly, does a 'happy eschaton' really make up for all the bad stuff in the world?"

"Now you sound like Abbie."

"I told you I think she's good for you. She's accepted that there is no explanation."

"Yes, but I can't go for existentialism or nihilism."

"So don't. Find your way through life and find a way to be happy and satisfied even when there are no explanations."

"I'll try," I said.

Elyse smiled, "I'm half tempted to quote Yoda, but I don't agree with him. All we can ever do is try. But, one thing I can be sure of is that something bad WILL happen in the future. And it will have no explanation. Probably several somethings. And if you keep weighing yourself down with a frustrating search for ultimate meaning, you'll destroy yourself and everyone around you."

I sighed, "I said I would try."

"Yes, you did. Now, tell me more about Chris Gibson."

"Smart, seems to know her stuff, is able to program, and wants a change of scenery. She went to college for a year but didn't like it. Mostly, she's self-taught."

"And the sex?" Elyse smirked.

"You don't have the 'wifely privilege'!" I smirked.

"If I don't, NOBODY does!"

"I suppose I can see your point. This one time, I'll let you ask me about sex," I said gravely.

"Drop The Godfather schtick!" Elyse laughed. "Just answer the question!"

"It was terrific, especially considering her limited experience before me. But that's not particularly relevant to the job!"

"And you'd be able to stay away from her?"

"Yes. When I asked her if she might be interested, I made it clear that would have to be the case. She did ask for me to visit her before she accepted the job, assuming it was offered, that is."

"If you're going to do that, it has to be before I talk to her."

"I don't plan to. I'll call her after lunch and ask her to send you a résumé."

"You don't seem to be 'hunting' at this point. Don't take this the wrong way, but is everything really OK?"

"Yes, it is. And no, I'm not getting into one of my snits or anything like that. On the contrary, things have been going really well."

"Which might explain it. The more turmoil in your life, the more likely you are to turn to sex to self-medicate."

"That could be. But maybe it's because Jessica is really paying attention to our relationship, and we're really talking. She spends time with me even when she's not particularly interested in the thing I'm doing, like watching NASCAR. And she's really talking to Kara. They've become very, very close."

"Kara was the one I was apprehensive about after your tryst with Becky. She had no reason at all to trust you after that."

"No, she didn't," I said. "But I guess love really does conquer all."

"It would certainly seem so."

"I'm a lucky, lucky man to have her. And you. And Jessica. And all of my friends."

"Yes, you are. Just remember that."

We finished our lunch and went back to the office. I called Chris and asked her to send a résumé and then had her talk to Elyse. From what I could tell, Elyse liked her and considered her a legitimate candidate for the job.

December 7, 1989, Chicago, Illinois

"A psychopath with a rifle killed fourteen and wounded at least twenty-five," I said, shaking my head.

"Where was that?" Katy asked.

"Montréal. At the École Polytechnique, an engineering school. The guy went in, ranted about feminists, and started shooting women."

"And nobody stopped him?"

"Not before he killed those women and then himself. There aren't too many details, but it appears he used a semi-auto rifle."

"Damn," Katy sighed.

"Can I change to a happier subject?" Elyse asked.

"Sure."

"Everything is set for next Wednesday's holiday party. The California and Pittsburgh teams will come in on Wednesday morning and then go home on Saturday. That lets the teams have some time together on Thursday and Friday. Cindi is taking her team offsite on Friday."

"Where are they going?"

"Pheasant Run in St. Charles. She felt that was better than trying to do it in the office."

"Probably true. Who's manning the phones?"

"Jack and Debbie. They'll have help from others if they run into issues they can't resolve."

"Sounds like you have it under control. How is Julia doing?"

"Tired. Your dad will take over on Monday; her last day will be Wednesday. He's coming tomorrow, right?"

"Yes. Kimmy said she had the keys to the apartment, and she made sure the fridge was stocked. You talked to Joyce, right?"

"Yes. She's with Jake, Joseph, and Amelia in Georgia. She just can't make it here for the party. She's disappointed, but she has her priorities straight."

"Looks like everyone else will be there, including the non-employees — Jamie and Jackie, Bruce Grady and his girlfriend, Jeremiah and Sharice, and Kurt and Kathy."

"Great!" I said. "Thanks for planning everything."

"Thank Kimmy again. She's done a lot of the legwork. And speaking of that, I'm going to arrange an interview for your friend Chris."

"The girl in Milwaukee?" Kara asked.

"Yes. She's looking for a change of scenery," I said.

"Your Russian friends might not like that."

"I'll talk to Viktor Vladimirovich once Elyse decides what to do. Chris is going to leave there one way or the other. She was talking about moving to Colorado."

"Before we all leave for work and school, are we planning to see National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation tomorrow night?" Kara asked.

A chorus of yeses rang out, and after kissing Kara goodbye, Elyse and I walked to the office.

December 8, 1989, Chicago, Illinois

"Hi, Dad," I said, standing up to shake his hand.

"Hi, Son."

"All settled?"

"Yes. Kimmy had everything set. I'm going to go talk with Julia for a couple of hours, then Judy and I are taking your sister to dinner. Your mom will go home on Sunday. She's at the house now visiting the grandkids."

"If you need a car, just say so. Between my BMW, Kara's new Trans Sport, and Jessica's Camaro, we can make do. Not to mention Elyse, Katy, Jennifer, and Josie all have cars."

My dad chuckled, "Your love for manual transmissions makes it tough on my hips. I really shouldn't need a car, but if I do, we'll work something out."

"OK. We'll see you for dinner tomorrow at the house."

He left to go talk to Julia, and I got back to work. My sister arrived just after 3:00pm and came into my office, closing the door behind her.

"What's up, Squirt?"

"I just finished my last exam for the quarter!"

"Good. Behave tonight, please. Mom is doing her best. I know you don't think that's good enough, but she's doing the best she can."

"YOU don't think it's good enough because it isn't."

"No, but Dad loves her, and she's been his wife for twenty-eight years. Do it for him. Honestly, this hostility towards him is overblown at this point. Get over it!"

"He let her do it! He's just as responsible."

"Jesus, Squirt, that anger is going to eat you alive. Just let it go. I have."

"I'm not you. I can't let it go."

"But the damage was mostly to ME. You did your best to protect me and love me, and I'm grateful for that. But if I can move past it, so can you. You do notice she hasn't tried to bring Jeff to Chicago, right?"