Chapter 59: Circles and Safe Spaces

July 22, 1989, Chicago, Illinois

"I have no idea what I'm doing," I sighed.

Jessica, Kara, Elyse and I were sitting in the Indian room late on Saturday afternoon. Matthew, Michael, Birgit, and Albert were with us, and Matthew was building towers with his wooden blocks while Birgit applauded and laughed every time they collapsed. I was taking turns holding Albert and Michael, switching off with whichever girl wanted a turn to hold them.

"Just talk to her," Kara said. "That's all you can do. The three of us told you we think you should invite her to come back."

"No, you said I should tell her that I WANT her to come back. That I NEED her to move back."

"True," Elyse nodded. "This girl has done more to open your eyes and expand your horizons than anyone since Anala. You need friends like that."

"But I can't give her what she needs," I said.

"You don't KNOW what she needs," Jessica said. "The only way you figure that out is by talking to her. I think you two can help each other even if you never so much as kiss her again."

I chuckled, "And the over-under on THAT bet?"

"Measured in seconds," Jessica laughed. "But this isn't about sex. It's about having a friend who is truly coming from a different place. We talked about this — all of our friends are pretty much upper-middle class, mostly Caucasian, mostly traditional, and, in many ways, conform to societal norms. Sure, we break a few, but how far can lawyers, doctors, architects, teachers, naval officers, and engineers go? You probably have more freedom in that area than the rest of us, because you could simply hide behind your company the way you used to."

"That is the argument Anala made with me years ago," I said. "The funny thing is, that she's an upper-middle class Caucasian, the same as the rest of us! Her religion was different, and so was her philosophy, and that was helpful. But she made a point about all my friends being more or less like me. Abbie said the same thing when she and I talked out in New York."

"Even in the hospital, I have that. Just like in medical school. Very few minorities. It's getting better, but you've seen my doctor friends. They're all like us."

I smiled, "How much of this is for me and how much for you?" I asked.

"I TOLD you he wasn't a complete idiot!" Elyse said.

"It's a two-way street," Jessica said. "Those kids, who honestly aren't that much younger than we are, need us and we need them. If society is going to function, we have to talk to each other and get to know each other. If we all retreat into our safe spaces, whether it's a club in New York City, or this house, or the hospital, or some ivy-covered academic building, we do ourselves and society a grave disservice.

"Think about this. When you leave here, where do you go? Alex's bistro? NIKA? The dojo? The hospital? All full of people just like you, and in fact, mostly selected by you, or by people like you. You've been to the club with the kids twice now, but did you REALLY go? Or were you being safe and spending your time with Henry, Trish, and Abbie? Did YOU go up to some punk or goth girl and ask them to dance?"

"Uh, no. I let them come to me."

"And even when you do make the moves to try to expand your group of friends, it's not always successful. Jeremiah and Sharice have been here twice since their baby was born. They do hang out with Jackie and Jamie because of work, but mostly they go to her daddy's church and spend time with people like them. Why?"

"People self-select their circles to have people just like them. I talked about that with both Anala and Abbie."

"Exactly. Prajesh has done that, hasn't he?"

"Yes," I sighed. "I'm still not happy about that, but it's not for me to interfere."

"And you saw that self-selection in action when your sister's friends objected to your 'goth' friends being here," Elyse added.

"Yes. Not to mention that religious whack job!"

Elyse laughed, "The consensus amongst everyone, from Trish to Stephanie to Peggy to me, is that what that girl needs is a good hard fucking that leaves her begging for more!"

"Find somebody else," I said. "I'm not interested. Stick to the subject, please."

"It's the same subject, really," Kara said. "It's about blinders and narrow world views versus broad horizons and open minds. I'm not saying you should do what Elyse is suggesting, but who better than you to get her to see an alternative viewpoint? I think you know how to do it! In fact, I know you do, from personal experience!"

"Whatever!" I chuckled. "But I see your point. So fine, I ask Abbie to move back because I want her to. What can I actually offer her?"

"Your friendship," Jessica said. "It's the most valuable thing you have. You know how to be a good friend. You've had a few very good mentors, and you've put what they've taught you into practice. You can, at times, be exactly what Sensei Jim said you were — an immature, self-centered, unteachable, insufferable git. And yet, your friends are loyal to you and love you. Why?"

"Because I'm loyal to them and love them."

"That's what you have to offer Abbie," Jessica said. "I do think you missed another very important clue. She got a job here because of YOU, not because of Henry."

"That fits with everything else you've said," I agreed. "And I think you're probably right. This is HARD."

"No, it's simple for you, Tiger. Be her friend. She has to do the hard work at that point. She has to decide if she wants to be part of our group on the terms we can offer. I hope she does. But that's the hard part. Being her friend is easy for you."

Abbie, Henry, and Trish arrived early and Abbie and I went to my study.

"What's up?" she asked.

"I made a huge mistake in letting you go without a fight," I said. "I want you to move back here."

Abbie's eyes went wide, and she cocked her head to look at me.

"Seriously?" she asked.

"Yes. Seriously. I should have asked you to stay instead of letting you simply walk away."

She smiled, "Yes, you should have."

"We do need to talk about this, though. I can promise you only one thing, and that's to be your friend."

"And would this friendship come with benefits?" she asked.

"Yes, all the benefits of being my friend!" I smirked, knowing what she meant, but deciding to tease her a bit.

She refused to take the bait.

"What are the ground rules?"

"The same as they were before. My major concern is for you. I know you think you found what you need in life, but I'm not sure I can meet you halfway, or even a quarter of the way."

"What if I said that beyond being my friend, letting me stay here, and having sex on a regular basis, I don't need anything more?"

"I'd wonder if you really understood yourself."

"Let me ask you this. Do I look like or talk like the kind of girl who wants to get married, have a house with a picket fence, have two kids, and go to PTA meetings?"

"No, you don't."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but I can't imagine bringing a child into this world. It makes no sense. And marriage is a silly, outdated concept that holds no attraction for me. Forsake all others? Why? To what end? And I'm the last person who wants to be the property of a man!"

"I don't think Jessica or Kara feel like property," I said.

"I suppose your situation is different, but I've seen plenty of possessive guys who treated women like property. They'd think nothing of chasing skirts, but if their wife or girlfriend were to even think about another guy, they'd go ballistic. But you're right, you didn't behave like that. You were neither upset nor jealous that I went off with Henry."

"Nobody is the property of another person. Even my kids aren't my property. They're individuals who have their own needs and wants and desires, and they'll have the freedom to fulfill them. My job is to help them make good decisions, not make decisions for them."

"Like Matthew?" she smirked.

"He asked if you could do it again, but this time he wants his hair black! Elyse is OK with that, so long as it's the washable stuff like Trish uses."

"He's a cute kid! What about your oldest?"

"Jesse? No chance! He's 'Mini Steve' and unless his dad does it, Jesse will never do it. Besides, he'd need permission from Francesca!"

"Francesca? Who's that? I thought Josie and Jennifer were his moms!"

I chuckled, "Francesca is the girlfriend! They've been going steady since he was three months old. She's about three months older than he is."

"Going steady?"

"An inside joke. They kiss, dance, hug, and do all the things that teenagers would do, except screw. And give them about ten years on that last one! They've been naked in the sauna and whirlpool together, and she even slept cuddled with him once. Just don't tell her mom about that last one!"

"That's wild!"

"And remember, you admitted to him that you and I had sex!"

"I didn't know THAT when I answered him! He's three!"

"Yes, but he's MY three-year-old. And Jennifer's. And he lives in a house where sex is an open topic and nobody has any hang-ups!"

Abbie started laughing, "Riiiiiiight! You know you do!"

"Let me rephrase, nobody has any hang-ups within the bounds of their declared sexuality!"

"Still not there!" she smirked. "You've never had a threesome with a guy and a girl because it's outside your comfort zone!"

"And I don't have any piercings, either. And I'm not into same-sex stuff, scat, heavy bondage, or a bunch of other stuff. But I can sure TALK about it openly. So I suppose the correct thing to say is that we don't have hang-ups about sexuality. We just each have our preferences."

"You have GOT to get out more!" she laughed.

"Going to the club twice doesn't count for much, does it?"

"No. But it's a start! And I've had several of your firsts!"

I nodded, "First goth girl. First girl with tattoos. First girl with piercings."

"Maybe I should get some toys to expand your mind!" she smirked.

"Too late!" I laughed. "That started when Jennifer decided to put a vibrator in my butt when we were seventeen! And someone else had a seriously large toy collection and put a vibrator in my butt, rode me, and made me fellate a dildo. She also liked to tie me up and be tied up. Oh, and she did me with a strap-on."

Abbie was laughing, "OK. OK. I misjudged you a bit! I would NEVER have guessed! Can I ask you a blunt, direct question?"

"I've never stopped you before!"

"If you can fuck a girl in the ass, and have a girl stick her finger in your ass, or a dildo or vibrator, and suck on a dildo, what's the big deal about doing those things with a guy?"

"It holds no sexual attraction for me. None."

"That's what I thought about girls until I tried it. I told you how that happened."

"Yes, you did. But seriously, that is not something that has any interest for me. And before you make some comment about not knowing until you try, it's a non-starter for me. I just have no interest in it. None. I have gay friends. I'm sure they do those things. That's their business. But I have no desire to see it."

"But you can watch two girls get it on."

"Yes. Because I'm sexually attracted to women. This isn't an issue of close-mindedness, but one of preference. I'll try just about anything with you that you can think of, though I have my limits and boundaries. I'm happy to explore my limits, but there are some lines I simply won't cross."

"I can see that!"

"You got some firsts with me, too," I said.

She nodded, "You were my first Yuppie!"

"And the first time you've ever made love instead of just having sex."

"This may sound strange, but that was so weird for me. My first time, with Aidan, he fingered me to get me wet, then basically rammed himself into me to break my cherry, and then fucked me hard. And that's what I thought sex with guys was like. The guys I've been with have all pretty much been like that. Fuck hard for five to ten minutes and then sit around smoking cigarettes until they're ready to go again."

"And I was different even in New York," I said.

"You were. But making love here was a totally new experience. I felt really loved for the first time. Before that, sex was just about pure pleasure. All that mattered was what I needed to do to get off and what did the guy need me to do to get him off. I just did those things. And they were fun and felt good. But that was something totally different."

"I was afraid that it changed you," I said. "That it made you want something from me, perhaps more than I can give."

"If I believed in marriage and kids and the nuclear family and all that other bullshit, it might have been a problem. But I don't. What it did do is show me a connection I've never had with anyone, ever. And what kind of freaked me out was that it was with someone who wasn't on the same page philosophically. That's when I knew there was something special."

"So, Abbie Nolan, what is it that you want?" I asked.

"To be your friend. To learn from you. To have great sex."

"And that's enough?"

"You'll give me all the freedom I need to be who I want to be, and do what I want to do, so yes. You won't judge me, I'll have a wonderful place to stay, and people who care about me. I'm not sure what more I could ask for."

"And Henry?" I asked.

She smiled, "He knows he was a fallback. I talked to him a LOT about everything that had happened. He's not interested in a steady relationship with anyone except the one person he can't have."

"Trish," I said.

"He wants her in the worst possible way. She's the one girl who he'd marry."

"She treats him like a brother," I said. "He's not going to win that battle."

"He was seriously jealous of her fucking you. But he's not the kind to hold a grudge or blame you. In fact, if you're interested in pushing the edge of the envelope, I'll take you both on!"

"Have you been with two guys before?" I asked.

"No, but it's one of those things I want to try. But it has to be the right two guys. I take it you've been with multiple girls?"

"Four is the most," I chuckled. "Well, four at the same time. Five in a row!"

Abbie laughed again, "Once again, I underestimated you!"

"So you'll move back?" I asked.

"Yes. I'll work it out with Henry. Probably next weekend."

I stood up and took her into my arms. We exchanged a soft kiss.

"Thanks for letting me fix a big mistake," I said.