Chapter 5: ... Into the Fire

November 29, 1988, Cincinnati, Ohio

I pulled into the driveway at Don Joseph's former house on Tuesday afternoon. I'd talked to Joyce and my dad, and they agreed that it probably was best for me to get away for a few days. Kara had given me her blessing, though she'd seriously thought about skipping both class and teaching to come with me. I'd talked her out of it, because she wouldn't be able to get a substitute on such short notice. And the time alone might actually help me.

I did quite a bit of scrambling to make sure that Sensei Jim knew that I'd be gone for a few days, and to get Jolene to cover for me for my usual Tuesday night teaching. I'd told them both that I was going on a short business trip because I didn't want to get into any details or cause Jolene any extra concern.

I couldn't leave as early in the morning as I'd wanted to because I needed to talk to Jacquelyn and let her know that I'd miss Wednesday and Thursday morning. I told her it was a business trip, and that I'd be back Thursday night and we'd run on Friday morning. She said that she'd run at the Y while I was gone.

I parked the BMW next to Joyce's Mercedes and got out of my car. I grabbed my bag from the back seat, locked the car and walked up the long brick walk to the front door. I rang the bell, and Donna Grossi opened it almost immediately.

"Steve! Welcome! I have some hot chocolate and small cakes for you. Joyce is waiting in the den."

"Thank you for your hospitality," I said.

"It's nothing! Stay in the guest house as long as you like! Let me know if you'll be taking meals here."

"Dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow and Thursday."

"OK. And you help yourself to anything you need, please!"

"Yes, Ma'am," I said with a smile.

"You're a good man, Steve. My Joe always said that. Now, go see my granddaughter!"

I dropped my bag by the door, and hung up my hat and coat, and then went to Don Joseph's old study. Not much had changed since he'd died, except that a few personal items were missing, including the large Bible that he'd given to me. The cigar box was still there, though it was most likely empty.

"Hi," I said.

Joyce got up, and we hugged, then sat in the large, comfortable leather chairs where I'd once sat with Don Joseph.

"You have a lot of people worried about you," she said.

"I know."

"I guess we can't really blame you for being out of sorts, given everything that's going on. That was a real bomb you dropped on me last night about Jessica wanting to terminate her pregnancy."

"You mean murder my baby?" I snarled.

"Don't bite my head off, Steve! I want to help. We all do."

"Sorry," I said. "I guess I'm more than a little on-edge. How's Jake?"

"Who knows? He's in 'we hide with pride' mode right now. I'll hear from him in about three to five weeks, I guess. Nobody I can talk to can tell me exactly when, and nobody who knows exactly when is permitted to talk to me."

"And little Joseph?"

"He's a beast! He's in his playpen in the other room. His great-grandmother is watching him so we can talk."

"I don't know what anyone can do at this point," I said. "Jess and I are through, and it's mostly her doing. I make no excuses for my past behavior. It happened and I'm dealing with it. I didn't intend it, but you know me well enough to know that I'll do whatever it takes to help any child I father."

"Yes, that's why I had no concerns about you fathering a child with me, had it come to that. You know my only regret there!"

I chuckled, "You should be glad Jake's a friend of mine. Otherwise, I might be tempted to take advantage of the horny abandoned wife!"

"He may need extended medical leave when he comes home!" she smirked. "I hear that Navy medical has a special diagnosis code for 'fucked nearly to death on return from sea duty'."

I laughed, "I have NO doubt about that."

"So you won't take Jessica back? Really?"

"Not if she's had an abortion. I just can't."

"She's under intense stress, Steve. You might even say that she's not in her right mind. And neither are you. Will you promise me ONE thing?"

"What?"

"That you'll talk to her. Not yell and scream at her. Just talk to her. And get couples counseling."

"She's not coming back, Joyce. Telling me that she was having an abortion was her way of telling me to go straight to Hell."

"You don't know that for sure. Yes, it might seem like it, but you don't know that for sure. Just promise me."

"Do you know how difficult that will be?" I asked.

"So it's difficult," Joyce said dismissively. "So what? Just do it Steve. Promise me."

It actually wasn't a difficult promise, because I was convinced in my heart of hearts that Jessica wasn't coming back to me. If Al Barton couldn't get through to her, and Kathy couldn't get through to her, and Kara couldn't get through to her, it was over and done.

"Fine. I promise to talk to her. And get counseling."

"Good. Larry, Drew, Connie, and Anthony are joining us here for dinner, as you asked. Did you get in touch with Ben van Hoek?"

"Yes. I'm having dinner with him tomorrow night after I have lunch with my dad. I'm meeting Nancy and Paul for lunch on Thursday before I head back to Chicago."

"Are you seeing the Spencers?"

"No."

"Did something happen between you and them? You always stayed there when you were in Ohio."

"Well, nobody is really left in Milford at this point, but between you and me, Trudy Spencer came on to me and I felt it was better to stay away."

"Because you were tempted?"

"You know me too well," I replied. "And in my current mental state, I might just do something that dumb and ruin a marriage and a friendship."

"Well, at least you haven't completely lost your mind. Close. But not completely."

"I just can't stop thinking about this stuff. I know I'm obsessing, but if I can hold it together for a few weeks, at least one thing will have a clear answer."

"But you said she's going to fight you over custody and visitation."

"Gwen is convinced that I'll win. There's nothing Carla can do to claim that I'm a poor father, and the fact that she hid it from me works against her. The system is still rigged for the mother, so my chances of getting custody are effectively nil, but that's what I'm going to ask for. In the end, I can outspend Carla and her fiancé on lawyers if it comes to that."

"Sometimes it's nice to have money," Joyce said.

"Yes, it is! Now, can we go see Joseph?"

She smiled, and we went into the living room where I picked up a kid who absolutely was Jake's son. He was going to be a bruiser for sure. Joyce and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking with her grandmother and playing with Joseph. It was good to see Larry and Drew, and Connie and Anthony. The latter pair had set a wedding date for August of '89 and promised that I'd be invited. I pressed Larry to come visit Chicago, because I knew Jennifer really missed him.

"I still can't believe you named your first daughter after Birgit," Larry said.

"You aren't the only one to find it odd," I said. "But it seemed like a wonderful way to honor her memory. Karin thought it was a nice touch, and so did the Anderssons."

"How are your other kids?"

"Jesse thinks he's the Prince Lord High Ruler of the Universe. His nanny and Josie call him 'His Royal Highness' behind his back. Matthew is doing great and is pretty much in awe of his Big Brother. Elyse is pregnant again, too."

"Breeders!" Drew laughed. "Do you ever stop?"

"No!" Joyce and I said together.

"Wait, you're not pregnant again, are you, cuz'?" Larry asked.

"Kind of tough given her man is on a submarine," I chuckled.

"Once he comes home, though..." Connie teased.

When we finished dinner, Anthony asked for a word and, with Joyce's permission, we went into Don Joseph's study. There was a bottle of Sambuca on the shelf, so I poured us each a glass.

"Salute!" I said.

"Cent'Anni!" Anthony replied.

"What can I do for you?"

"Just carry a message. I'd prefer this go straight to Little Jimmy. I need some help with our Mexican friends. Muscle. Let him know that I'll make whatever accommodation he needs."

"Your grandfather always tried to avoid that kind of reaction," I said.

"I know. I saw what could happen when you put that gun to Connie's head. Well, when your button man did. But it was you. I can't risk that. But these Mexican fanooks don't understand anything else. You know they popped that shopkeeper that Ed almost went down for?"

"Fanook?"

"Fags," he said.

"You do know that Connie's cousin is gay, right?"

"It's just a word. Larry and I are OK. I don't like the idea of two guys together, but he's family, so what's a guy going to do?"

"OK. I'll get the message to him. Should I wait for a reply?"

"Yes."

"OK. I'll be in touch," I said.

"Thanks."

We finished our drink and joined the others for the rest of the evening.

November 30, 1988, Cincinnati, Ohio

"You know I warned you about this," my dad said when we sat down.

"I didn't come for a lecture, Dad. And what you warned me about was having two women. That didn't cause this problem. Everything was fine until Carla had me served with the paternity papers. If I'd known about Rachel four years ago, this wouldn't even be an issue! Jess would have known about it and if it were that big of a problem for her, we'd never have gotten together.

"What annoys me about both situations, the one with Carla and Rachel, and the one with Jessica, is that both of them happened because the girls wouldn't talk to me! I know in the past I've been something of a drama queen, but the one thing I never did was just clam up and refuse to talk about it with anyone, except for when Kara walked out on me. And you saw what happened there. I was forced to talk. In this case, it appears to be what both of these girls did."

"What about when Jennifer told you she was moving?"

"I pushed her away, yes, but I talked about it with my friends and we worked through it. Jesse is proof of that! Heck, I even worked through things with Becky, even with everything that happened there!"

"And that's really why you're so upset with Jessica. You've always had a serious problem with abortion. I never quite understood that, but maybe it's that I let your mother raise you in the Catholic Church and it rubbed off on you."

"Dad, my problem with abortion is mine. Unlike Mom's church, I don't seek to impose my choices on anyone else. But when I'm involved, I think I should have a say. Becky's mom took away my say. Jessica is taking away my say. And both of them acted without fucking talking to me about it! I'm not completely irrational on the topic. Bethany was right to have her abortion at age thirteen. I never treated her badly because of that, or because of her rape. Sometimes life just deals you a shitty hand. I can at least understand the rationale behind Becky's mom pushing her to have the abortion. It makes sense. I disagree with it, but it makes sense. You know that I would have helped her if she'd had that baby."

My dad looked curiously at me, "When was Becky pregnant?"

Shit! I had never told him about that! My brain was so addled that I didn't even think about it before I said it. I sighed deeply and told him.

"Right before I went to Sweden. We broke up, and I foolishly let her entice me into what was supposed to be a 'goodbye screw'. It turns out that she'd stopped taking her birth control pills much, much earlier, and tried to get pregnant the night we broke up. That didn't work, most likely because she didn't stop taking them soon enough. It sure worked that last time.

"Do you remember the phone ringing right before I left with Pete, Melanie, and Jennifer to go to Detroit for my flight to Stockholm? That was when Becky told me. She and I talked after I got to Sweden and I convinced her to keep the baby. We didn't say anything at that point because YFU would have me sent home. She eventually told her mom and dad, and they agreed with us at first, but then Mrs. van Hoek basically bullied Becky into an abortion. That's why you didn't find out until now."

"And this Carla woman, what happened there?"

"Hell if I know, Dad. I'm absolutely sure that I used a rubber and I do know how to use them properly. That said, there's still a failure rate which is non-zero. I guess this was one of those situations. Based on what I know, and what my attorney found out at the deposition, I can't imagine that I'm not the father of this little girl. As I told you on the phone, the DNA tests are due back in the next week or two, and I'm pretty sure they'll confirm that."

The waiter came to take our order and when he walked away, we continued.

"How does Illinois law work?"

"Carla has no claims on me, my income, or my assets. Even Kara doesn't and she's my wife in every way except for the piece of paper. The thing is, in Illinois, that piece of paper is the only thing that matters. That caused the court to dismiss her separate maintenance claim as a matter of law. Child support is by formula unless there are extenuating circumstances. It's 20% of my income, though the fact that I have other children is taken into account which might see that number adjusted downward. But the money isn't a big deal. I'll make sure that Rachel has everything she needs, including college.

"For the custody situation, the DNA test cuts two ways. It'll prove I'm the father and that I owe child support. But it'll also prove that I'm the father and that gives me legal rights with regard to Rachel; legal rights which I intend to enforce. Carla seems to want to cut me off and terminate my parental rights, but still get child support. According to both Gwen Meyer, my personal attorney, and Jamie, that's just not going to happen. Even with the system rigged against dads, Carla would have to prove that I'm somehow dangerous to Rachel, and there's no way that's going to happen."

"That makes sense. It's a real mess, Son. But you're handling it responsibly. What about Jessica?"

"What about her? I can't do anything unless she talks to me and she doesn't want to. And if she does kill the baby, well, that's a chasm that I don't think we can bridge."

"According to Joyce, Dave and Julia were very concerned about you."

"I know. That's why they told me to take a couple of days away and get my head back in the game, so to speak."

"And?"

"I don't know," I said. "Until all of this is resolved, it's going to be tough. I'll try."

"What's your best guess?"

"Gwen thinks that once the tests come back, we make an offer of child support and then draw up a proposal on visitation and parental rights. She thinks once we file for sole custody and termination of Carla's rights, that they'll come to the table and negotiate. I think she's right. Gwen figures by the end of February. But honestly, once I get to see Rachel and start bonding with her, that will make things easier.