Chapter 19: Sorting Things Out

January 9, 1989, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

I'd run with Jacquelyn as usual, then after a shower and breakfast, I'd left home to drive north. I arrived in Milwaukee just before 9:00am, and as usual, had tea with Mr. Bykov before going to see Chris to get my marching orders for the day, making sure I properly waddled into her office and gave the right greeting.

"You seem like you're in a better mood," she said once we'd discussed the modifications and enhancements that she needed.

"I am. Things have more or less sorted themselves out, and about as well as could be expected, given what was going on."

"So it's all resolved?"

"No, but it's moving in the right direction. When I was here the last time, it was moving in the wrong direction at breakneck speed."

"That's good to hear. How long do you think all of this will take?" she asked.

"Most of the day. I'd guess until around 3:30pm or so, with lunch. By the way, you never told me how your trip to Moscow went."

"It was fun, though I could have done without the nearly day-long tour of the tractor factory!"

"I bet! Let me get to work."

I went next door and got started on the changes. Even though I had permission from Kara to be with Chris, I was concerned that it was going to turn into a regular thing. I already had Kimmy to try to explain to Jessica, and that was going to be difficult enough. I also had the issue of Becky, which I hadn't discussed with Kara, something I wasn't even sure how to broach. On the plus side, I wasn't planning to go to Ohio anytime soon, so I wouldn't have to deal with Becky. At least for the time being, anyway. Eventually I would have to, but hopefully by then she'd have kept her side of the bargain and started dating.

That got me to thinking about my conversation with Jolene, and the ones with Elyse and Jennifer. Jessica was coming back, and we were going to have to work through a number of serious concerns, and I was positive that one of them would be my dalliances. Not just the stuff I'd done trying to beat my depression, but future ones as well. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I wanted things to work out, and if that meant no dalliances for a time, or perhaps even forever, then that would have to be.

Thinking about those things only clouded my mind and slowed my work, so I pushed them aside and did my best to get into my zone. Thoughts of Chris occasionally popped into my head, but they didn't derail me. At lunch time, Chris got my attention, and I suggested that we go out for burgers or subs at some place close so that we could finish mid-afternoon. Suddenly, I remembered my promise to spend the night the next time I was in Milwaukee, and I figured I had to deal with that, I just didn't know how.

The real question was, what did I want? The one thing I wanted more than anything was to make my marriage with Jessica work. And I was willing to do whatever it took to get her back. If Chris were just a dalliance, that would fit under the old rules. But spending the night would give lie to the claim she was a dalliance. Not to mention that I hadn't said anything to Sensei Jim about missing class. Chris might be disappointed, but I wasn't in any position to be with her. Not at this point. Maybe not ever.

"Burgers are fine," she said.

We left, got into my car, and went to a Wendy's just down the street. We each ordered a double-cheese burger, fries, and Frosty, then took our food to a table in the corner and started eating. I laughed when she dipped her fry into her Frosty and carefully licked it off, then dipped it again and suggestively pushed it into her mouth.

"Nice," I chuckled.

"This too could be yours, if the Price is Right!" she giggled.

"What price? I believe you offered it in exchange for services rendered!"

"Services rendered?" she laughed. "Good one!"

She used her spoon and ate some of her Frosty, but held her tongue out with the creamy liquid on it.

"Gee, that's not TOO suggestive," I smirked. "Though it would be better if they served vanilla!"

"It's not like I haven't had the real thing! Any chance I'm going to get it on this trip? Or are you still working thing out?"

"Still working things out, as I said before," I replied.

"You did promise to stay the night at some point once things were settled."

"Yes, I did. And once things are resolved, I'll let you know."

"I need to get laid," she sighed. "Work out your issues soon!"

"There are other guys," I said.

"I sure haven't found them. And no, I haven't quit looking. Get your stuff sorted and we'll have one of the best nights of our lives!"

"That's a pretty big promise! And a pretty tall order."

"Give me a chance and I'll prove it to you!"

"I take it you'll have more work for us to do?"

"That's a given. I'm so busy with other stuff I don't have a lot of time for programming."

We finished our lunch and went back to the office. I spent another two hours completing the work and testing it. Chris reviewed it and said everything looked good, so I packed up and she walked me out to my car.

"I'll call you in three or four weeks," she said.

"I'll see you then."

We exchanged a quick hug and then I got into my car for the drive back to Chicago. I made reasonable time and would be able to eat before karate.

January 9, 1989, Chicago, Illinois

"I thought you might stay late in Milwaukee," Kara said when I walked in.

"I can't do that right now. Not until we resolve things with Jessica. Even if it fits her rules."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but what about Kimmy?"

"In all honesty, I think I need that," I said. "I'll tell Jess everything and let her decide."

"So you're going to tell Melody and her friends 'no'?"

"For now, at least. Again, that just doesn't feel right."

"Because it's a repeat? Or some other reason?"

"Hell if I know," I sighed. "I'll figure it out. Maybe it means I'm only with Kimmy until Jessica comes back. You know, like the Debbie V situation. Maybe not. But for today, and this week, no."

"Just don't get yourself into one of your little snits, Snuggle Bear."

"Kara, when Jess comes home, I'm going to do whatever she needs and whatever she asks. I can't do anything less. And as I said, I'm going to tell her everything that happened while she was gone. I have to. A full confession."

"When she's ready to hear it. I'm not saying never, I'm just saying that you need to make sure she's in the right frame of mind."

"Her letters and phone calls tell me she's not depressed, but obviously we don't know what other things she was hiding from us about her past."

"That problem with her dad really hit home. Speaking of which, what's going on with Carla?"

"Gwen and I are supposed to talk tomorrow. She filed the motions last week. It's really a question of how Carla responds. If she truly believes that I'm the father, and there aren't any other possibilities, then she's not just going to give up. But as I've said for the past month, something just doesn't add up."

"Do you think it's still possible that you're the father?" Kara asked.

"The DNA test says no, but things just don't line up, I'm having a nagging suspicion about the whole thing. I just don't know what I suspect. I can't find a logical solution that fits all the facts."

"Not everything is logical. Maybe she suppressed a memory? Maybe she's lying and doesn't want to admit it?"

"So, she had sex with some other guy and is either mentally ill or lying? I suppose. But both of those are pretty far-fetched ideas. It has to play out, and I think Gwen is probably right about how it will end."

January 10, 1989, Chicago, Illinois

"Hi, Gwen," I said, when she called on Tuesday morning.

"There isn't much news," she said. "They filed their motions and the preliminary hearing on their challenges to the tests and their objections to my motion for declaration of non-parenthood are scheduled for the week after next. It's just lawyer stuff at this point, so there's no reason for you to be there. I honestly don't see how they can win, because from everything I can see, there are no problems with the testing protocols, chain of custody, or the test itself."

"Something just doesn't add up."

"Let it rest, please. I know you want neat, clean, logical answers to everything, but that often doesn't happen in family law. Be happy that the case is going your way and leave it be. Whatever you do, and whatever your inclinations, please do not speak to Miss Rizzi under any circumstances. If she calls you, hang up and call me immediately."

"It's that dangerous?"

"They haven't tipped their hand, if they even have one. The last thing you want to do is say something that could help them or undermine you. I know you're a compassionate guy, Steve. Combine that with you wanting everything tied up in a nice, neat little package, and I think you could walk right into a buzz saw if you're not careful. Jamie agrees."

I chuckled, "That sounds like Jamie. I get the same kind of cautions about talking to customers. And in another matter which he handled for us."

"Sit tight. Don't worry. And don't do anything dumb."

"Got it," I said. "Oh, I'll be in California for three days next week. The office will know how to get in touch with me."

"If something comes up, I'll call you, but until the preliminary hearings are held, I doubt we'll need to talk."

"Thanks again, Gwen. I appreciate it."

I went to find Elyse and tell her what Gwen had said, then went back to work doing a few minor bug fixes on the Windows version of our legal software. I was confident that we were ready, though I was still concerned about Jeri. I was ready for any eventuality and still wondered at the wisdom of Dave having her make the presentation and not me. But it was his call. I'd step in if things went south, but I had to be careful not to jump in too fast.

I had lunch with Al Barton and we talked about Jessica and how she'd get back into the Residency program. He'd done the necessary ground work, but a lot would depend on the report from the clinic in Maine, her attitude, and her interview before the board that would decide whether or not to reinstate her.

"She has a pretty good chance, so long as she completes the program in Maine," he reassured me. "If everything is attributed to what a layman would call a 'nervous breakdown' due to stress, that's something that people in medicine understand. And as I said before, the last thing anyone wants to do is litigate about the training of doctors. If they determine that she's mentally fit and not a danger to patients, she'll likely be readmitted. The most important factor about her breakdown is that nobody said that she ever endangered a patient. If anything, she was strident about giving better care."

"That's been one of Jessica's main concerns that we've discussed. She doesn't like how some patients are handled. Something she called 'treat and street'."

"It's a fact of life in the ER. We've talked about the limited resources that are available and how we struggle to ration them properly. I suspect I know the case you're talking about specifically — the woman who had the fatal MI. It happens. Sometimes we also have to make decisions about whom to help. Take organ transplants. How do you decide who gets to live and who has to die when there aren't enough organs available, and there never are?"

"Triage in my business isn't fatal," I said. "It makes it a heck of a lot less stressful, though I have my own sources of stress."

"Everyone does. The key is recognizing them and then minimizing them. You'll never eliminate all of them. Do you have someone you talk to about those kinds of things in your life?"

"Besides you?" I chuckled. "Yes. I have some very close friends, both male and female, that do a good job of helping me deal with stress. And Jess and Kara, of course."

"I suspect they're part of your stress as well. What's the biblical saw? 'No man can serve two masters'? I think you're right in the thick of that."

"But even at the darkest moment, on Thanksgiving, I didn't hate Jessica," I protested.

"I don't think it's meant to be taken quite that literally, which I'm pretty sure you know," he said. "You three have chosen a very difficult path to walk. There's going to be incredible stress throughout your lives. Add in Jessica's chosen profession, and I think you can see what I'm getting at."

"I do. It's something we'll have to deal with. Kara and I already discussed getting whatever counseling the three of us need to make this work."

"I'm not sure that adding a baby to the mix is the best idea," Al said, his tone carefully neutral.

"I hear you. I counseled against her getting pregnant, but we are where we are. We have a live-in nanny and that will help, but I agree it's going to increase the stress on Jess. That said, I won't even contemplate the other option. It's a non-starter for a host of reasons."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but that doesn't seem to fit with your very libertarian mindset."

I smiled, "Sure it does. It's the same as anything else. I don't think it should be illegal; I just don't want to do it or be party to it. It's like marijuana or prostitution or any of the other things that narrow-minded fools want to ban. We tried it with alcohol in this country and look what happened! Now we're trying it with drugs with pretty much the exact same result. The prudes and control-freaks never learn. Ever.

"I drink, but I don't do drugs. I smoke my pipe occasionally, along with the odd cigar. And yes, before you ask, Jess has been on my case about those, and I have cut back. But I'm not going to tell you not to drink, not to smoke, not to use marijuana, how to have sex, with whom to have sex, or not to have an abortion. That's up to each person. I object to it."

He nodded, "A fairly sensible attitude. It is just a medical procedure, but I know it's also one that generates more emotion than anything else that we could do at the hospital short of attempting a head transplant or something crazy like that! Now, about the smoking..."

"I know," I sighed. "Trust me. I know. But I smoke perhaps 10 cigars a year, and I smoke my pipe maybe a dozen times a year. Call it a vice. You know my exercise routine and my diet. Yes, I know there are risks, but heck, the polluted air in the city of Chicago is a pretty huge risk itself."

"Forget that silly rationalization," Al counseled. "You're smarter than that. How about we agree, for now, no more than six cigars a year and no more than once a month with the pipe? That's a minor reduction, but every bit helps. And no, I am not sanctioning it any more than I would sanction drinking to excess or drug use of any kind. But we start small and work forward.

"You remember what I told you about the carbonated sugar water and age? I hate to tell you, but you don't have that many more years before you need to start seriously watching your sugar intake. Maybe your pancreas is in fantastic shape and you won't have any issues, and maybe your metabolism is high enough to burn off that energy. But at 35 or 40, it starts to become an issue. And trying to quit cold turkey isn't a good idea. Not to mention any damage already done."