Chapter 1: Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

November 24, 1988, Chicago, Illinois

"Steve?! Steve?!" I heard muffled voices say. "Are you OK? Steve!"

"Please don't kill our baby," I whispered.

"What's he saying?" I heard Kara ask.

"Something about a baby," I heard Stavros say. "Jorge! Help me get him up and back into the house."

Strong arms lifted me from the sidewalk and supported me as my friends more or less carried me into the house, my arms over their shoulders and their arms around my waist.

"What happened?" a strange voice asked.

"I think he passed out," Leila said.

"Did someone attack him?" another strange voice asked.

"I don't think so," Alejandra said. "I don't see any blood or any injuries."

"Get him on the couch," Sofia ordered the guys. "And get some blankets."

"Should we call 9-1-1?" my sister asked.

"No, Squirt," I whispered.

"Steve, what happened?" Kara asked frantically.

"Kara, let him recover a bit, please," Sofia said.

I felt blankets being put over me, and someone, I thought it was Sofia, checked my pulse. Cold glass slipped into my mouth and I recognized it as a thermometer.

"His heart rate is a bit elevated," Sofia said. "About 110. That's not dangerous."

"Sofia," Alejandra said. "He's been running five days a week and going to karate seven days a week. I bet his resting pulse is around 55 to 60. 110 is high. We really need to check his blood pressure, but none of us has the equipment."

"Temp is 35.6°C, uh, sorry, 96.2°F," Leila said. "That's a bit low, considering he was only outside for about ten minutes from the time he left with Jessica until Penny was pounding on the door."

"That's normal for him," Stephanie said. "I have the same temperature as my normal. We're always a couple degrees low."

The light-headedness slowly passed, and I went to sit up, but felt several hands restrain me.

"Stay lying down," Sofia said. "Can you tell us what happened?"

"I got dizzy, everything went black, and then I heard all of you."

"Penny was out to take Pete for a walk and saw you on the sidewalk," Sofia said. "She freaked out and ran here. She took Pete home and I'm sure she'll be back. Do you know what might have caused you to pass out? And what happened to Jessica?"

I knew. I just couldn't bring myself to say it out loud.

"You said something about a baby," Stavros said. "But I couldn't understand."

"Steve, do you think you can make it up to bed?" Kara asked. "If Stavros and Jorge help you and we take the elevator?"

"I think so," I said.

"Guys, help him," Kara said firmly. "Girls, let me deal with this, please. Elyse, I think you should come with us."

The guys helped me to my feet and steadied me as we went to the elevator. The girls went up the stairs and Jorge and Stavros rode with me and helped me to my room, where I laid on the bed. They left, and I was with Kara, Elyse, and Birgit.

"Is Jess pregnant?" Kara asked.

I nodded, "Yes."

"Why did she leave so suddenly?"

I sighed, and tears ran down my cheeks, "She only came tonight to tell me she was pregnant, that she couldn't have my baby, and that she was going to have an abortion!" I sobbed.

"Oh, my God!" Elyse gasped, then I heard her whisper to Kara, "Becky."

"Jessica is going to kill our baby!" I croaked through the tears.

"What do we do?" Elyse asked.

"I'm calling Doctor Barton," Kara said firmly. "You get in bed and hold him, please."

I felt the bed sag as Elyse got into bed and pulled me into her arms. I cried softly as I heard Kara make the call. Her voice was urgent, but muffled, and I didn't hear the entire conversation. Less than ten minutes later, Al Barton basically burst into our bedroom.

"Let me examine him, please," he said. "Syncope isn't something to mess with."

I felt Elyse move from the bed and opened my eyes to see Al with his stethoscope. He listened to my heart and breathing, then used a penlight to check my eyes. He had me sit up and listened to my breathing again, and put the stethoscope to my neck.

"Checking to make sure you don't have diminished blood flow to your brain," he said. "How long was he out?"

"I'm not sure, maybe five or six minutes," Kara said. "He was only gone for ten before Penny found him on the sidewalk. When we got to him, he was groggy."

I felt pressure on my arm as a cuff was inflated and Al checked my blood pressure.

"Probably vasovagal syncope. In layman's terms, a fainting spell. Has this happened before?"

"I think so," Elyse said. "At least a few times since he was a teenager."

"It's not uncommon in adolescents and young adults. Do you know what brought these spells on?"

"I think the first was when his girlfriend died when he was fifteen," Kara said. "I'm not sure of the other ones, but this one was because Jessica told him she's pregnant and going to have an abortion."

"What?!" Al exclaimed. "She told him this? Tonight?"

"Yes. She called this afternoon out of the blue, asked what time dinner was, ate with us, then took Steve outside and dropped the bomb on him. She left, but I don't know if that was before or after he passed out."

"If she left, knowing he was passed out..." he sighed.

"She didn't know," I said. "She sped away before I fainted."

"Do you know where she went?" he asked.

"I'd guess back to her cousin Carissa's place in Riverside," I said.

"Kara, someone needs to stay with Steve tonight. Preferably awake. If there's any breathing difficulty, or severe headache, or another bout of dizziness, or anything like that, you should call 9-1-1 immediately. I don't think he's at risk for a stroke given his diet and exercise regimen, but even very healthy people can have blood clots. I don't see ANY signs of a stroke or TIA, and I'm not trying to scare you, but keep an eye on him."

"Should he go to the hospital?"

"They'll do exactly what you're doing, and I think the risk is negligible. If you call 9-1-1 immediately, he'll be at the hospital quickly enough to give him emergency treatment. If I thought there was a serious risk, I'd send you now. I don't think there is."

"There are plenty of us here to take turns," Kara said. "We'll take care of him."

"Good. Call me if you have ANY questions, no matter what time. And call 9-1-1 if you see ANYTHING that concerns you. I mean that. Anything at all. I'm going to see if I can track down my wayward Resident and put an end to this entire sordid episode."

"Thanks, Al," I said.

"Yes, thanks, Doctor Barton," Kara said.

He left and Kara got into bed with me while Elyse went to arrange shifts with the girls. I was just so tired that I fell asleep before I even knew it was happening.

November 25, 1988, Chicago, Illinois

I woke before the Sun came up, though there was soft light in the room. I saw I was snuggled between Kara and Elyse, but I sensed another presence. I sat up, blinked my eyes, and shook my head to clear the cobwebs.

"Penny?" I whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"Making sure you don't die, you dope!" she answered equally quietly. "That doctor friend of yours was checking you over when I came back."

"Thanks, Pretty Penny. I'm fine," I said. "Well, healthy I guess."

"You HAVE to explain what is going on!" she said.

Beside me, Kara stirred and sat up.

"How are you?" Kara asked.

"Physically? OK, I guess. Al seemed to agree. Mentally? Emotionally? Don't even ask right now."

"What happened?" Penny demanded. "And where is Jessica?"

Elyse sat up as well.

"You should probably tell her," Elyse said. "After last night, everyone knows something is seriously wrong, if they didn't already suspect."

"What is going on?" Penny asked more forcefully.

"Jess left me," I said.

"What?! Why?! When?! I just thought she was working strange hours!"

"About five weeks ago," I said.

"But what happened last night?"

"I can't say just yet," I said. "Go home, Penny. I'll talk to you; I promise. Just not right now."

"I KNEW you should have married me!" Penny declared.

"You don't share, Penny. Kara's still here, you know."

She sighed, "I know. You better talk to me later today!"

"Penny, let him get his bearings," Elyse said. "Please."

She nodded and reluctantly got up from her perch on the loveseat. She came over and gave me a soft kiss on the lips, the first time she'd done that in a couple of years. I smiled at her and watched her leave the room.

"I need to go meet Jacquelyn," I said.

"You are NOT running this morning," Elyse said. "You need to rest."

"She's expecting me," I protested. "At least let me walk over to see her."

"I'll go with you," Kara said. "But just for you to tell her that you can't run because you had a fainting spell."

"Fine," I sighed. "Remember, I'm supposed to take her to dinner and a movie tomorrow."

"If Doctor Barton says it's OK, then you can. If not, you have to postpone. I'm sure your friend will understand."

"Fine," I sighed.

I scooted down and got out of bed, and went to the shower. Both girls followed me to keep an eye on me.

"Do you know what you're going to do?" Kara asked, as I stood under the hot spray.

"What can I do? She won't talk to me. And last night she told me she hates me enough to KILL my baby."

"She's upset and confused," Kara said.

"That's a bullshit excuse and you know it," I growled. "Quit defending something that has NO defense!"

I turned off the water by savagely twisting the knob and then yanked a towel from the rack. I dried myself roughly, threw the towel in the hamper, and went to the bedroom to dress.

"Relax, Steve," Elyse said.

"Relax? Are you fucking kidding me?"

I grabbed some underwear and put them on, then checked the thermometer attached to the outside of the window by a suction cup, saw that the temperature was 43°F, and put on sweat pants, a T-shirt, and a sweat jacket. Without a word, I went down to the kitchen, poured myself some juice, and drank it down. I went to the front hall to put on my running shoes.

"I'm going alone," I said. "I'm fine. I need to think."

"Steve! You can't!" Kara protested.

"I can. I will. I'll come back when I'm done."

"No!" she said, almost frantic.

"Kara, just stop, OK? I'm in NO mood. Just leave me alone!"

"Let him go," I heard Jennifer say from behind me. "He has to work this out for himself, just like I did with my issues."

I grabbed my Cincinnati Reds baseball cap, and walked out the door, past a sobbing Kara and an angry Elyse. I didn't care at the moment. It had nothing to do with them, and when I got control of my emotions, I'd apologize. For now, I needed the fresh air, I needed to run, and I needed to think.

There were a lot of things I could forgive Jessica for doing, but having an abortion wasn't one of them. Up until she'd told me that the previous night, I'd have taken her back, no questions asked, and done everything I could to help her get reinstated into the Residency program. But after doing what she stated clearly, she was going to do? I didn't know if I even wanted to see her again. It was Becky all over again, though in this case, I'd purposefully set out to create a life.

In a way, it was no different from my reaction to finding out about Rachel Rizzi. If I helped to create a life, then I was responsible for caring for that child; not out of a sense of fatalism, but one of duty and of honor. What kind of man would I be if I didn't care for a child I helped bring into the world? And what kind of man would I be, if I was party to the death of a child, even an unborn one? And to me, when it was my child, even acceptance or tolerance of such a despicable act was beyond the pale.

Yes, there were cases when there were no good options. But Jessica had good options. In fact, she had plenty of them. It felt like she'd decided on the one option that she knew would thrust a dagger right into my heart. An option that would hurt me worse than walking in on her in bed with my best friend. An option that would hurt worse than losing her to estrangement and divorce. I didn't know that I had the capacity to mourn another death, but I was going to be forced to do so, and that both angered and frightened me.

I understood that Jessica was upset, but I couldn't understand why she wouldn't talk to me about it, or anyone else, for that matter. What happened with Carla was long before I met Jessica, and I simply couldn't fathom how another child could somehow be the breaking point when Jennifer had been pregnant before I asked Jessica to marry me, and she knew that Elyse and I were going to have children, and that I would have children with Kara.

All of my three children so far — Jesse, Matthew, and Birgit were 'out of wedlock' in a technical sense. And a fourth was on the way; Elyse was pregnant with the child she already referred to as Michael, but who could just as easily be Michelle in my mind. I simply couldn't understand how the existence of Rachel Marie Rizzi changed anything. It wasn't as if I'd lied to Jessica or hidden anything from her. She knew I'd been with many girls, and she'd known what had happened with Becky. It seemed that I'd found the unforgivable sin in Jessica's book, and I'd committed it long before I met her, and hadn't even realized it because there was know what to have known.

Here I was, the father of three kids, with a thriving business, a 2nd Dan black belt, surrounded by loving friends, and I was at the point where I was ready to just give up. Even the thoughts of Bill Elliott winning the Winston Cup after making his promise to Stephie couldn't pull me from the morass I felt I was sinking into. All because of an unintended pregnancy with a girl who I had no real feelings for and had not seen in four years. Fate was truly fucking with me again.

"Hi, Steve!" Jacquelyn called to me as I rounded the corner, snapping me out of my depressing thoughts.

"Hi," I said, trying not to sound upset. "We need to take it easy today."

"Why?" she asked.

"I had a fainting spell last night. Nothing serious and I got checked out by two medical students and then by a good friend who's the Chief of Emergency Medicine at the hospital. But I don't want to push it. We'll just jog at a slower pace, OK?"

"If you're sure."

"I am. How was your Thanksgiving?"

"Good. I was careful how much I ate. Know how much I weighed this morning?"

"How much?"

"119! I lost 31 pounds in 5 months!"

"Congratulations!" I said, trying to sound happy for her. "How do you feel?"

"Fantastic! It's like I'm a whole new person! Can we keep running together even after tomorrow?"

"Sure," I said, then realizing that didn't sound encouraging, so I added, "I'd like that a lot."

She flashed me a huge smile that penetrated my gloom, and for just a second, I felt happy. Unfortunately, Jessica's words from the night before crashed back into my consciousness, dampening the mood.

"Come on," I said. "We'll stretch and then I'll set the pace."

We ran at about half speed, and I felt OK physically, but I was just barely keeping my emotions in check. I felt like crying, but I didn't want to burden Jacquelyn with my troubles. I would have to figure out a way to be in a better mood on Saturday night, because I didn't want to ruin something she'd been looking forward to for months. Try as I might, though, I couldn't get Jessica's words out of my head.

When we finished our run, Jacquelyn and I agreed that I'd pick her up at her house at 4:20pm the next afternoon so that we could get downtown, have the valet park the car, and be at the restaurant a few minutes early. She was positively glowing when she bounded up the steps into the house, and I waved to her mom, who was watching out the front window as she often did. I walked home slowly, my stomach doing backflips from what was becoming barely controlled rage.

I stopped at the corner of Woodlawn and 53rd Street and took several deep breaths before I turned and walked four blocks north to the house. I walked up the steps and went inside to find Al Barton waiting for me.

"That was dumb," he said, without any preliminaries.

"I've run five days a week for five months, and been to karate seven days a week for nearly as long, and six days a week before that. I used to swim 50 laps every morning in my parents' pool when I lived at home and ran regularly when I first moved here. I jogged today. Slowly. I didn't push myself."

"It was still dumb, Steve. We don't know for sure what the problem was. I came to check on you this morning and Kara and Elyse said that you had gone running."

"Fine. It was dumb. I needed to do it. Let me get a shower and you can see for yourself that I'm fine."

I walked past him and up to my room. I quickly stripped off my sweat suit, T-shirt, and underwear and took a quick shower. I dried, dressed, and went back downstairs. Al was waiting for me in my study with a very cross Kara.

"Sit," he said, indicating the edge of the desk.

Chapter 2 »