Chapter 10: Both Sides Now

Rows and floes of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It’s cloud illusions I recall

I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show

You leave ‘em laughing when you go

And if you care, don’t let them know

Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

It’s love’s illusions I recall

I really don’t know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say “I love you” right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed

Well something’s lost, but something’s gained

In living every day
I’ve looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It’s life’s illusions I recall

I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now

From up and down and still somehow

It’s life’s illusions I recall

I really don’t know life at all

Joni Mitchell

While Gigi was getting ready for Mike, Jill still wanted to check with her. “Are you still interested in having a scene with Mike and I, or do I make you uncomfortable?”

Gigi reached out and stroked Jill’s arm. “First, other than Marilyn, I’m the best person to make Mike comfortable. I think I have an obligation to him.

“Second, aside from sexual possibilities, more and more, I admire you as a person. When I got upset, you couldn’t have been more supportive, and I trust you. To be honest, I enjoy both watching you make it with a man, and I also get a bit turned on when you watch me. When I did porn or escort, I didn’t freak out when women made it next to me, although I didn’t participate.

“I’m still exploring the idea of doing things, myself, with a woman. I was impressed that Art and Howard are willing to make it with each other, if a woman is playing with them, given all the prejudices about male-to-male sex. At some level in my head, I think I want to try it. I suspect that the aggressive lesbian athletes traumatized me more than I realized at the time, and that is at the base of what is a trigger for me.

“I wonder if we shouldn’t have a trained counselor in the family?”

“Let’s bring it up to the group.”

Mike happily accepted a dinner invitation from Gigi. Ever since his cousin Marilyn introduced them, he was attracted to Gigi, certainly physically, but also finding her an interesting person. He loved basketball, but didn’t expect to go far, at 5’11”, although he was decent for high school. She told him that Jill would be joining them.

Gigi had thought carefully about how to present herself, as she wanted Jill to be the star. Still, Gigi wanted to appear sexy enough -- hell, perhaps slutty -- to get Mike into the mood. When she talked to Jill, she suggested, “You’re not as tall as I am, but you still have fine legs. I’m going to wear low heels, and maybe stretch pants rather than a skirt. How about your wearing a very short skirt and the highest heels in which you can walk? Maybe put your hair up? That should make you a little taller than he is, and I think my height turns him on. Maybe you might bring the shoes with you and put them on just when you come in. I’m going to wear tights and a leotard, somewhat subdued in color. In particular, though, my legs will be covered in deference to yours.”

Lucy, Diane, and I were again talking with Sandra. “Let me talk about my friend, Jerry. He’s one of those rare people that managed to take a serious degree while on college football scholarship, join the NFL, make some substantial money, and then retire before he had serious injuries. He still worries about cumulative trauma

She giggled. “He played center, so he got very tolerant of hands on his ass. Jerry identifies as het, but hasn’t objected when we’ve been at an orgy and people of all genders went with the flow. For some reason, no one tried to make him do anything. After all, he’s only a shadow of his playing weight, down to a mere 240 with bodyfat almost as low as mine.”

“He managed to upend a lot of stereotypes when he then went to nursing school, adding a BSN as a fast way to get a clinical certification, and then going to graduate school in a customized health sciences program. Before the state regulations got too tight, he obtained a nurse practitioner certification. You might find it relevant that his area of interest is in the hard sciences -- no pun intended there -- of sexuality, such as neuroimaging sexual excitement and correlating with endocrine response.

“Of the group members whom you’ve mentioned, Diane, I know you better than anyone but Howard. What is it that you want from a polyamory? With you, I can say frankly that we’re both beautiful, so we wouldn’t have trouble getting partners.”

“Good question, Sandra. I’m actually glad to have you as a sounding board before I bring it up to the group. I’m bi, so there’s the aspect of wanting partners of both sexes.

“For me, though, there’s a subtle point: safety. I need to explain some things about what I like, which, given your athleticism and your pain tolerance from dance, you may well understand better than most. Let me say what I’m not, which people may assume: I’m neither a sexual masochist nor a submissive. I do, however, like my sex rough, giving and receiving, as long as it’s what the BDSM people call SSC: safe, sane, and consensual. Does it make sense that I get turned on by wrestling before the main event, but that’s not remotely a rape fantasy?”

“I’d like people around that could back up my safeword, or just help if I tap out in wrestling and someone doesn’t notice.

“I think I understand. What I’m picturing is feeling strong hands forcing my legs apart, but I was pressing my legs together sort of as a tease, and showing off my physical strength.” Sandra laughed. “I like some of that myself. It’s not just being forced, but it’s been damned hot for me to force myself onto a partner’s face. In a different way, I use my aerobic dance class to weed out guys that make passes -- none, so far, have completed a class.”

Lucy, sitting across from me, bent forward a little. Under the table, I felt Lucy’s hand gripping my thigh. Her nails were poking through my trousers, although, in her excitement, I don’t think she even noticed that. Lucy breathed harder, listening to Diane. She leaned back, but stroked my leg, gently, with her stiletto heel.

“Damn, Sandra. If you agree, I think we can have some fantastic leg play, and some wrestling too. I can even fantasize being a lady warrior in the gym.”

“Diane, how about a 69 where we press hard with our thighs around each other’s heads?”

“Wow! As soon as possible, dear. I’m about to start playing with myself if we don’t.”

“In that case, Sandra, let’s get started. I like doing at least part of a scene partially dressed, as it feels nastier. That’s one reason that...” Diane flipped up her skirt, to reveal opera-length hose gartered at the very top of her thigh, along with a thong. “one reason that I wear stockings rather than pantyhose, even the crotchless kind that are the only ones that work with a skirt this short.

“Let’s head back to my apartment, then. Howard and Lucy, do you want to play with us?” We looked at one another and nodded enthusiastically.

Back at Diane’s place, no one was in a mood to waste time. Sandra and Diane kissed briefly, and then fell to the bed, dressed. As planned, they moved into a 69 position, not quite in range to use their mouths, but just fine to have thighs around heads and hands fingering crotches.

Lucy and I stood, to start, watching them. She backed against me, tapped my groin, and then flipped up her skirt, bending forward just a little. Given her hint, I tore my lower garments open. We could see strong legs flexing on the bed, and, while hands were obscured, the associated arms looked as if they were driving firm thrusts.

My partner reached behind herself and guided me between her warm thighs and into her vagina. It was a tight fit, and I groaned a little. Lucy was very excited. Her arms moved in front, and I could feel her pinching at her nipples. I knew they would be bullet-hard, and hoped they’d be so in my mouth later on.

Grunts and screams came from the bed, in an apparent cluster of climaxes. The partners shifted, applying mouths. Lucy growled, pulled out my wet penis, and moved it against her anus. She pushed back, slowly but firmly. Her sphincter was welcoming. I let her control the movement, both for comfort, and that I knew she loved anal sex. I could feel her hands busy at her clit.

The next time, it was Lucy’s hoarse shout that set off the next round of orgasms, including mine. Lucy and I separated, hobbled to the bed, and flopped down next to Diane and Sandra. We took mutual pleasure in stroking and kissing, and eventually drifting to sleep like a pile of kittens.

Marilyn wandered into Tony’s weight room, as he was working on equipment. “I was interested in what you’re building, Tony, and I wanted to get to know you better. I’m not that much of an athlete, although I do want to be fit.

“But right now, I’m more interested in Tony the person.” She laughed. “Mind, I value having enough men in this menagerie. But what brings you here? You’re a handsome hunk and shouldn’t have any problem finding women.”

“Marilyn, exactly. I agree that I’m a hunk, but that sometimes is the male equivalent of a woman being treated as a sex object. If you think about it, you just might -- I hope -- find some parallels between how guys look at you as a pair of boobs, and how girls look at me as biceps that are sort of attached to a cock.”

“Damn, Tony. I never thought that you’d say that. So tell me -- outside sex, outside physical training, what interests you? I’m not yet talking about the emotional.”

“I enjoy cooking. I like music along with it, and I’m a very amateur composer. I sing when I can, privately -- not sure how good I am.”

“That’s really interesting, Tony. I enjoy music, certainly classical, and I just realized that we, as a group, are missing shared cultural experiences, be they music or watching films together. I also sing for my own pleasure.”

Tony looked at her, and started to sing, a capella, in a deep, strong voice.

I see the crystal raindrops fall
And the beauty of it all
Is when the sun comes shining through
To make those rainbows in my mind
When I think of you sometime
And I want to spend some time with you

[Chorus]
Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
You and I

We look for love no time for tears
Wasted water’s all that is
And it don’t make no flowers grow

Good things might come to those who wait
Not for those who wait too late
We gotta go for all we know

[Chorus]

I hear the crystal raindrops fall
On the window down the hall
And it becomes the morning dew

And darling when the morning comes
And I see the morning sun
I want to be the one with you.

Bill Withers

Happily, Marilyn knew the song, and joined Tony. As she sang, she moved close to him, an arm warmly around him, but not a hug that would inhibit their singing. When it finished, though, they embraced and kissed, with warmth more than lust. Marilyn looked at him” Polyamory can, I think, involve more than just loving one another. It can be drawn together by common interests. Clearly, sex is one. Physical stuff from fitness to dance seems another. Maybe you and I can start a trend!”

“I like that. Here’s an idea. Let’s set up a showing of what is probably the greatest of all movies, Casablanca. You and I can sing just a little with Sam and the orchestra. When the Marseillaise scene comes up, let’s stand up and sing. I think a few others will know it.

To my pleasant surprise, George and Mike stood and joined in the French national anthem, admittedly mostly in English and of the first verse. They knew the French of the chorus.

Arise children of the fatherland
The day of glory has arrived
Against us tyranny’s
Bloody standard is raised
Listen to the sound in the fields
The howling of these fearsome soldiers
They are coming into our midst
To cut the throats of your sons and consorts

Aux armes, citoyens!
Formez vos bataillons
Marchons, marchons!
Qu’un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons!

“We have an honors history class that has a lot of culture in it, and we’re both in the choir. Didn’t know that, did you?”

Jill give a soft moan, realizing that the young men that excited her sexually might very well excite her in intellectual ways -- a pleasant surprise given their age.

At her side, I suggested, “Jill, maybe we’ve discovered a treasure. Can we bring in additional younger people that are a hell of a lot more than nice bodies? You just might stimulate someone by using your lovely mouth to talk space history, rather than giving them some delightful physical stimulation?”

“I like that, Howard. I really like that. But mentioning mouths, can we spend some time kissing into an alternate reality?”

Taking her into my arms, my mouth answered, but without words.

As I held her, I reflected on her and on Sandra. Both had demons. Could that be a bond between them? Sandra’s, of course, was the demon of death or of deterioration of her body. Jill’s was of her mind, never knowing if her drugs would fail to hold schizophrenic hallucinations at bay.

Lucy welcomed Tony to her apartment. “You and I haven’t had much chance to interact. Now, I’m one of those Smith College girls that were of a generation where we checked sexual compatibility before we got into serious discussions. You, however, are highly recommended as a lover, so we can talk first.

“From what I hear, though, you’re pretty interesting on the personality side. I did not expect you to be a music lover and musician.”

“But besides your professional and cultural contributions, you turn me on. I need active male partners. In fact, I like multiple penetration, which will need more men than we have right now, unless the young ones develop more quickly. Still, I wonder if you, Howard, and Art can do me? That doesn’t rule out my having my face against a pussy or boobs.

“Hey, I’m not sounding like a lawyer. I said nothing about eating blood or souls.”

Tony was dressed in pleasant casual wear, more preppy than the hard sports look that one might associate with his occupation. He showed a different side of himself to Lucy in his Brooks Brothers blue oxford shirt, khaki trousers, and polished cordovan loafers. In fact, the shirt was from their custom tailor. It shirt was short-sleeved, and the development of his arms was quite visible. He made a face at Lucy, raising his eyebrows several times. Tony stood, and flexed his biceps at the appreciative Lucy. He moved to her and rather effortlessly picked her up, cradling her in his arms. “Now where shall I put this lovely thing?”

“Bedroom through that door, Tony!”

Before I was to have Jill join us, Sandra and I again shared my bed. “Sandra, I hope you don’t mind that I’m looking at you very closely, not only because you’re hot, but because I’m discovering new things about your body, as well as your courage? Now that I know about the subcutaneous fat, I’m awed at how incredible that you look mostly from consciously defined muscularity.

“Thanks! Remember, I also have other enhancements, ranging from makeup to a few implants to fun if extreme shoes.” She had gone to her large purse and pulled out six-inch stilettoes, into which she slipped, and then flaunted her legs. In response, I stripped, and began to kiss and lick her legs. She glanced at my crotch. “Oh, you are happy to see me!” I can’t think of a time when I was harder.

I slid next to her in bed and took her into my arms. “Incredible, but with your muscle tone, I feel as if I’m holding a perfect marble statue -- well, maybe gold -- that has come to warm life.”

“You’ll find, Howard, that my lipodystrophy has had, to put it technically, no adverse effects on my Bartholin’s gland. In other words, my pussy is flowing, almost dripping, wanting to welcome you inside me.” I faced her, as she lay on her back, her hands stroking and emphasizing her body. Slightly spreading her legs, I put them on my shoulders and entered her. “Like Diane, I like it hard. Don’t hold back.

“You’ve been speaking in lovely imagery ... but I like dirty, filthy, too! I want to feel your cock deep in my cunt. I want you to take it out briefly, so I can lick it off, and then put it back. Bend my legs back so you can go deeper. I want to feel you against my cervix. Tell me your fantasies about me.”

As I withdrew, and she licked and sucked me as she suggested, I grunted, “I want to feel your legs in other ways. I want you on your belly, with me deep inside your pussy, and your long legs pressed together tightly, between mine.” She made happy sounds. “We’re alone now, but I’d like you, in that position, to be licking another woman.”

“There are lots of woman candidate. First, though, I want Jill with us. She’s not...” I panted. “ ... The hardbody you are, but she’s trim and still figuring herself out. You’ll be a model for her.”

“Oh yeah. I think, though, I’d like you to finish in my ass. Afterwards, I’ll suck you again.”

Tuning into her happy nastiness, I told her, “Only if I lick the cum out of your ass and then share it with you.” I was controlling myself, depriving myself of completion to make it even harder.

“Yes, Howard!” Suddenly, her voice turned serious. “When you don’t know how long you have, you savor intensity in whatever happens.” Happiness returned. “Now fuck me!” I flipped her over and slid into her ass, but with mental images of a threesome.

Marilyn visited Sandra. “Honey, maybe we can stimulate one another. Well, no, not that way, although hell, I’m delighted to have mutual physical stimulation. You know that I’m an RN. We have a couple of people with high skill in health and fitness.

“But you’ve mentioned your friend Jerry, yet we haven’t seen him. Did you reconsider him?”

“You’re right, Marilyn. Let’s get him here and talking.”

“OK, Sandra. Your influence is also encouraging me to be a little less sloppy and casual in my presentation.”

Jerry came to visit, with Sandra, Lucy, Tony, Gigi, and me. When Lucy opened the door to her apartment, he more or less filled the opening. She invited him in, and then asked, “Tell me, when you make it with Sandra, do you get into bed with her, or do you hold her in the air with one hand, reach for the bed, and slide it underneath her?” He gave a delighted laugh, which did remind us of gravel shifting in a truck.

Lucy assigned an apartment to Sandra, while she was deciding what to do with her place. It seemed most diplomatic to have Jill and I to go to Sandra’s apartment.

I had suggested to Jill that she might have one of our makeup and styling experts do her for the occasion, to which she agreed. Tana. whom we’d seen do an amazing transformation, was, overall, a wonderful stylist. Marilyn also did styling, although at a less dramatic intensity. In Jill’s case, though, I thought that Sandra might bond with her in improving her appearance.