Chapter 14

I’d begun to collect myself. On reflection, I couldn’t actually say that I was disappointed to be in possession of my soul. Even so, I felt confused and betrayed thinking of Lucinda’s actions. Perhaps I could at least address the confusion.

I turned to catch Lucinda’s eye. She looked miserable: huddled and dejected with face tear streaked.

“Why?” I asked. “What was that all about?”

“Many things. First, I found a way that we were able to connect, at least that once, as lovers. For a moment at least I felt accepted. That will mean a lot working against the shadows.

“Second, I don’t think you’ve ever reconciled what you learned at Shepherd’s Crook to your life at Oak Leaf. How do you feel thinking about Ashley from Shepherd’s Crook now?”

I paused to consider. “I feel a lot more peace thinking about her—me. She’s less distinct, more me; I’m more her. I can see how her vulnerability is similar to Lady Ashley’s vulnerability.”

“You were both while we joined, weren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever done that before?”

“No, not really. Shepherd Girl is about vulnerability and being taken. The Woman Riding Atop is not much about taking, although she is a complex symbol. A lady is about strength and confidence. Shepherd Girl seemed so different before.”

“But now?”

“It all melds together. I suppose being vulnerable to the flock is part of how Shepherd Girl guides.”

“Also, it wasn’t just Shepherd Girl prepared to sacrifice herself was it?”

I considered not answering. I wasn’t sure what was harder to face: pissing myself in front of Lord Morgan and Lady Lucinda or admitting that I could sacrifice myself to a demon. Ladies did not do those things: the nobility controls its vulnerability. Still, Lady Lucinda knew the rough outline, and Lord Morgan was owed the truth. “I’m not sure. I was surprised to learn that I could sacrifice myself out of love to a demon. I could sacrifice myself to the flock because you demanded it, but I was struggling to understand why I should sacrifice myself out of love for a demoness. Why would that ever be something demanded out of love?”

Lucinda beamed for a moment. “O that’s wonderful—better than I suspected. You’re absolutely right that in this instance there was no cause for sacrifice, and it could not legitimately have been out of love for me. I was hoping only that you realized you were capable of making that sacrifice out of love. I was hoping you could see the similarity between shepherd and noble.”

She said, “The Passion Mill team has been very eager to jump to sacrifice throughout this process. Did any of you consider asking for my help with no offer of a mate, just as you might ask a noble for help against the shadows?”

“Would you have helped?”

“Yes, to the best of my ability.”

Lord Morgan started to retch. I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach. I was horrified both that we had condemned Mane without need and that we’d made such an assumption about Lady Lucinda. Still, why did she accept Mane?

“Relax. I made the offer to Mane,” she said. “I could offer my advice, but I think you’ll need more help than just advice. I’m not sure I would have been willing to reduce myself that much. Were I to do so, I would be almost incoherent with hunger. I suspect he would have accepted mating even if it were unnecessary to Passion Mill’s defense, but as things stand, we both thought mating someone was necessary so I would have strength to act.”

Lucinda had slowly lost the excitement she showed at the news that I had accepted the possibility of sacrifice. “Anyway, that is why I took you on that journey,” she said. “Know that if I saw anyway to do that without gaining your rejection, I would have. The loss of the opportunity to connect with me burns. Loss, at least, is a familiar companion.”

I was sad thinking about a life of reaching out to help people grow only to lose them. Her explanation had brushed away my confusion. While I was still raw from the experience, I realized that I no longer felt betrayed. She had done exactly as she said this morning: she challenged me to remember the world was uncertain and invite me to face that with strength and vulnerability. That, Lady Lucinda had given me with skill that the woman Riding Atop would admire.

I met Lucinda’s eyes. “In this instance, I think loss unnecessary. Will you join us, friend?”

“You mean that?” she said, but she was already moving. I have never seen blankets folded so quickly with such joy. In an instant, I was being crushed in the demon’s arms.

“Let her breathe,” Morgan said laughing.

Morgan was happy that I seemed to be doing better. He said he was relieved that his trust in Lucinda had not been misplaced. He also hoped that after all was healed, I found the growth a positive experience.

I was cuddled between Lucinda and Morgan. They suckled at my tits, which by this point I found a great relief. We cuddled somewhere between lovers and friends. The suckling was decidedly sexual, and both of them teased my cunt playfully. However, no one was trying to build excitement; we were just playing and taking a moment of relaxation before returning our focus to Passion Mill.

Lucinda sucked with a gusto that would challenge a hungry babe. She finished first, smiling up at me as she licked milk from her lips.

“Thank you so much for accepting me after what we did together. Few could.”

“I hope not all our meetings need be that intense.”

She laughed. “I’ll allow for a few simple meetings. Still, consider: the Woman Riding Atop meets Lover’s Shadow? Often, I suspect there will be intensity.”

I smiled. “Fair enough.”

“After today, I suspect there will always be something between us. If nothing else, the tension of how a mating might go. This morning, before I found Shepherd Girl in you, it would have been pure suicide for me. We saw how it would have gone that one time, just as I found Shepherd Girl. Now as you begin to heal? Neither of us would know how the months would play out.”

She continued, “I doubt we will ever choose the path of mates. Still, part of me will always wonder.”

I said nothing. Part of me echoed her excitement at the prospect of hugging Lucinda to me as we tumbled off that cliff together, at most one emerging at the bottom. I hoped with all my heart that my companions did not guess at this dark secret.

She continued, “There’s one other thing I’d ask you to ponder. Did you hear me when I gave you a safe word?”

“Yes.”

“My lady thought the demon was going to eat her soul. She had a safe word. For all the fucks at Slutfeast, why did she not use it?”

My jaw dropped open as if it had become unhinged. I worked my mouth preparing to answer, only to realize I had no response. “I don’t know.”

“I see.” She cuddled tighter against me. “Ashley, I’d like you to try something. It may involve a bit of emotional pain, but nothing like the intensity of earlier. I think it will help us learn what is going on. Will you trust me?”

I took a deep breath. “yes.”

“Try to put yourself back in that space as much as you can within your comfort. Your safe word is radish. I’m atop you. You’ve just accepted the possibility of sacrifice. I speak:

“Or there is another option. You could give up Lord Morgan—or perhaps Oak Leaf. Pick one; you need not offer them to me, simply walk away when Passion Mill is done, never see them again.”

“Radish!” I jerked, trying to throw them both off me. I calmed down in an instant.

“We are done with the scene. Do you need me to get up or you ready to accept that as fantasy?”

“No, my demon lady, I’m fine. I just reacted very intensely. What does that mean?”

“That, Lady Ashley, is a very good question. At a minimum, I think you have some more growth ahead of you to understand why you didn’t think to use a safe word at losing your soul, but a different sacrifice pulled you right out.”

“More growth at your hands?” I asked, my voice resigned.

“I could try, but I had assumed you would approach that work yourself.

“Actually, I know part of the explanation already, and it will be a good transition to Passion Mill. Lord Morgan, are you ready for that?” she said.

He nodded. She continued, “Together, you and the defense managers have worked out part of the picture of shadow rot. Once rot is deep enough, it spreads, even within a boundary, even during the day. Only enough passion shared to heal sufficiently will stop the spread and stabilize rot.”

“How do you know this?”

“I can see shadow rot directly, just as I can see the web. However there’s more. Shadow rot can affect a lot of things about someone’s ability to stand strong and shine the light of passion. Just as if you are sick, pain may affect your sleep, if you are shadow touched, you will likely be less efficient contributing what passion you find to the web. Also, you will take more from the web for the same benefit.”

A chill spread through me at her words. “If I understand my lady, as we guessed, all in a community who have reached the point of instability need to be healed in parallel until they are stable. However, less passion is available for healing and more is required.”

“Yes, Lady Ashley, you have ascertained my point.”

“Shit,” Lord Morgan said.

“Succinct and accurate,” I said. “Lady Lucinda, how might we best approach Passion Mill?”

“Best would have been to distribute those affected as soon as possible, replacing them with stable lovers ready to contribute. Now it will be challenging to correct. A demon has a lot to offer: very efficient use of the web combined with significant reserves to bring and an ability to connect deeply even with a new lover. I offer myself to join Passion mill in shining forth in the light of passion. Together, we might push back the shadows and bring stability and healing to those who can be saved.”

I maintained a noble’s dignity in my outward composure. I had erred grievously in not evacuating where I could. Apparently, when more than a small number of individuals were shadow touched, inefficient web connections more-than-offset the advantages of joining to a healer with a strong connection.

But inviting a demon as an integral part of shining forth in the light of passion? It felt almost like inviting the shadows to parley on how they might best be defeated. I said, “Is there any other option? I appreciate your help and today has taught me much of working with my lady, but there are significant difficulties in accepting a demon’s help.”

“Saltfisher’s Dock is certainly an option you have. I can think of no others. Bringing in lovers from Oak Leaf will at least delay the inevitable, but that enough lovers to bring the passion needed might well stretch beyond the limits of a single web.”

She paused to consider. “As you suspected, the connection between healer and shadow touched does matter. One of the points of no-return for an individual is when there is no healer with a strong enough connection to the shadow touched to overcome the damage both parties face. A demon can push that point back because they can connect deeply with anyone.

“In theory, if Oak Leaf can manage the logistics, those who have not reached that point-of-no-return might be saved by triaging and splitting the community. Not over-burdening any one web would be critical.”

I am proud of my house and seat, but we are not that good. Perhaps with a year to ingest this new model and prepare, we could come close to handling the logistics. Still we would likely lack the resources to effect healing.

“Lord Morgan?”

“A fuckless, shit-smeared mess. How could we get Lady Lucinda into a boundary, much less convince more than a hand-full to join her?”

“I take it that Brenhaven could no more manage the logistics of triage-and-split than Oak Leaf?”

“We certainly could not manage it today.”

“I am not following one point,” Lord Morgan said. “How does my lady’s explanation have anything to do with Lady Ashley’s peculiar decision not to use the safe word she was given?”

Lady Lucinda said, “Ah, yes, I shall circle back to that. It’s more an illustration of the extent of the problem. There are many kinds of shadow touch, some of which nobles recognize. In her time at Passion Mill Lady Ashley has been touched deeply enough that she strives on even when her situation or her course does not entirely make sense. Rather than stopping to consider, she runs forward no matter how bad her current option is. This does not explain why she considered sacrificing her soul but goes a long way to explain why she didn’t stop to ask why a safe word was introduced or what the plan was. Lady Ashley, have you been struggling to find time to consider what is before you?”

“Perhaps; there was certainly much I was sad not to consider while we were joining. Still, I think my lady exaggerates; I am generally decisive.”

“Lady Ashley, as an external observer, I would not lightly dismiss Lady Lucinda’s claim. I would not quite describe your actions after you found the nursery as reckless, but that term would not be far from my lips. Lady Lucinda, do you guess at Ashley’s affliction, or is this something you can see directly?”

“I can see her shadow damage.”

“Am I fit to lead? or do the two of you feel my judgment too impaired?” I still found the claim surprising, but I would hear them out.

“After our work, much of the shadow touch has been shown light. I recommend only that you pay attention if those near you raise questions.”

“So we are back to Passion Mill,” I said. “Apparently, we would find a way to have a community embrace Lady Lucinda as lover. Besides reducing the effectiveness, asking people to leave the boundary is politically untenable. Yet, I know not how to bring Lady Lucinda across the boundary.”

“Mane and I discussed the boundary. There is a shed off the community house that was once within the boundary. I could enter that and then you could build a boundary around me, working it into the web and boundary of the community house.”

I wondered how she expected to leave once the boundary was established. “That would leave us with only one apparent impossibility: convincing a community to fuck a demon in a time of shadow emergency.”

“What if,” Lord Morgan said, “they do not realize she’s a demon? Lady Lucinda, how common will Ashley’s form of shadow touch be? How many might run forward, ignoring misgivings that might otherwise give them pause?”

“In a community as close to the final spiral as Passion Mill, I would guess common.”

“So, even if they suspect something strange in the middle of joining you, they would likely continue?”

“Yes,” she said.

“I’m still not seeing a plan,” I said. “It’s not as if we can say we found some super whore somewhere who will bring enough passion to the community.”

They looked at me. Lucinda smiled. “I like it. Perhaps I’m Bringing Countless Pleasure from Three Rivers Confluence. No, I’m only stopping at Three Rivers Confluence—perhaps I’m from Market Landing.”

Lord Morgan and I rolled our eyes. “Lady Lucinda, your understanding is perhaps not perfect,” Lord Morgan said. “No respectable parents would name their child thus. How could you know at birth what someone would become?”

Lady Lucinda looked abashed. “Lord, you are correct: I have little experience with children. If not the name, might the plan have merit?”

Lord Morgan chewed his lip. “It feels preposterous that it might work. Yet, who are the professionals one would turn to in such an emergency but nobles and whores. Truly, I think my old friend Passion Blossom from Market Landing might serve Oak Leaf’s need in this emergency. After all, I’ve been working with her to integrate my research in how demons build rapid, strong connections into her art.”

“Working with for years,” I said, “and not yet offered cock to cunt?” We laughed.

I continued, “This is more whore’s calling than lady’s. Truly, if Lord Morgan had offered the name of a first-rate whore, Oak Leaf would have considered. Perhaps this has more merit than my jest implied. Well met, Passion Blossom; you are hired.”

I paused and shook my head regretfully. “Unfortunately, this will not work. With such a plan I would doubtless be called to Balance. I would take that on my head if needed, but I cannot ask that of Lord Morgan. I can think of no plausible way to remove him from Balance with such a plan.”

“You cannot ask it, but nor shall you stand in my way if I choose to offer. What is the crime? Consorting with Demons?”

“Certainly that if not others.”

“I would plead ‘poor law.’ The intent behind the law is to save communities not to prevent them receiving aid.”

“And so shall I, but such a defense is chancy. I will risk my own neck, not yours.”

“My lady, that is not yours to decide. As we agreed, I am not your responsibility, even if I am under your direction.”

I sighed in frustration. “As my lord insists.

“O, Morgan, what a mess this is. I had hoped to invite you to Oak Leaf after this is all over. I don’t want to get to know you in a cell at Balance Hall.”

“Lady Ashley,” he said, a smile playing across his face, “Your invitation is accepted with all joy. A time at Balance Hall followed by a trip to Oak Leaf, all in your fine company. Now that you’ve invited me you must contrive to win the case so it is possible for you to follow through.”

I laughed.

“Is there anything else we must accomplish before we are away to Passion Mill,” I asked.

Lady Lucinda, or shall I say Passion Blossom, shook her head. Lord Morgan began to shake his head, then stopped, a frown crossing his face.