Chapter 1: My New Reality

Sunday August 23

I woke up to someone getting into my bed. I tried to figure out who it could be when I heard the sound of thunder rumbling. Then I felt a paw on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and Duke, my Labrador Retriever, had a worried look. It was a toss-up as to which he feared more, the vacuum or thunderstorms. He knew he wasn’t allowed on the bed, but I rubbed his ears and he snuggled up to me. A moment later, it began to rain.

“I don’t think we’re running this morning,” I said.

He seemed to understand and was soon in doggie dreamland. I envied him, because I was now awake. It gave me a chance to think. I rolled out of bed and put on some water so I could make tea. I looked out my window, saw the mood of the weather, and had a half-smile. It was perfect for how I felt. The good news was at least now I knew. Tami and I, as a couple, was never going to happen. Well, that might not be true; there was always someday, that mythical place and time when everything was possible. It was the Disneyland we all created in our minds, that someday everything would be perfect. I had to stop living for someday and start living for today, the here and now, where we really lived.

I had been fooling myself for long enough. If Tami really had loved me, it would have been enough. I thought we had proven that over the last eleven years. I watched as lightning raced across the sky and momentarily made everything clearer with its brightness. In that moment of clarity I realized I couldn’t continue to allow Tami to run my life. I needed a clean break, so I could move on. I was no longer going to be hobbled emotionally by my desire to be with her. I was stronger than that. My pursuit of her had been a colossal mistake, but she had always been my blind spot. At that moment, I was disappointed that I’d shown so much weakness. Like so many worthwhile things, you have to learn them the hard way. No one could have warned me, and I wouldn’t have listened anyway. In a way I should have thanked Tami for teaching me a valuable lesson.

Whenever I felt like I had steered the proverbial boat of my life into the rocks, I went to my life’s goals to correct my course. I got my iPad out and pulled them up.

Life Goals:

1. Financial Stability

a. Comfortable Life

b. Good Education 2. Physically Fit 3. Solid Moral Foundation

4. Healthy Sex Life

As I reviewed them, I didn’t see anywhere where it said anything about finding my life partner. Uncle John had explained that as I got older, my goals would change. I thought about my summer activities. The two main things I focused on were football and Tami. Uncle John had taught me that my life’s goals were like a business plan for a company: if you were busy doing activities that didn’t align with your goals, you had wasted company time and resources.

Football had a slim chance of making me financially secure. All it would take was an injury or some bad breaks and I would never make it to the NFL. It might open the door to scholarships for college, but did I really need the money for that? Would I be better off if I paid my own way and focused on academics exclusively? Being a Division One college quarterback is a full-time job, and would eat up a tremendous amount of my time and energy. Did I seriously consider that route would get me to where I wanted to end up? The short answer was obviously yes.

As I looked at the rest of the list, football would fit into the Physically Fit category. Being a leader required a Solid Moral Foundation. I guess you could make the argument that it could contribute to a Healthy Sex Life. It was true that girls like jocks.

Then I looked at Tami. If she became a doctor, it was a toss-up whether that would help her financially. She could end up racking up serious student loans if she didn’t get scholarships. The sad truth was that most doctors were not very business-savvy, and if they went into private practice, many did not make the kind of money people assumed. With the changes in health care, it looked like those margins had gotten tighter. I looked at it like teaching: you didn’t go into it unless you had a passion, because you didn’t get rich doing it. I foresaw the same thing for the average doctor.

Then again, if she and I were together, we could achieve anything. I would never let her fail on the business side. If my goal was financial security, I would make sure either I helped her become successful financially, or found the right people to make it happen. This would free her up to do what she loved.

The main argument against my prediction was Tami wasn’t average. I wouldn’t be surprised if she could do it all.

I looked at the rest of the list and realized it wasn’t worth worrying about. The good thing was that Tami and I had reconnected. It just hadn’t turned out like I wanted. I knew I wouldn’t figure out what my next steps needed to be right now, but I needed to get my life back on course. Every time I had come off the rails I had gotten my life back on track. Be it drugs and alcohol, almost dying, or losing Tami, I would come back stronger. I needed to examine what lessons I needed to learn and move on from here.

I looked over my goals and decided I needed to add two more. A conversation I had with Beth over Thanksgiving had helped clarify this. She had asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I explained how I wanted to live a life with no regrets, one in which if a choice to try something new or different came along, I would go for it and not let my fears hold me back. At least I would never look back and say, ‘I wish I’d done that.‘ The other thing I’d told her was that I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to do something that helped other people.

5. No Regrets
6. Make a Difference

My water was ready, so I made my tea. As I took the first sip I thought about my new reality. Football two-a-days started tomorrow. Many players dreaded this time of year, but I couldn’t wait. It signaled the beginning of the season we had prepared for all summer long. We had to be ready, because every team on our schedule would be gunning for us since we won State last year.

Part of the perks of our success would be unveiled today. The Lincoln Field House was being dedicated. The project had been completed in record time. I couldn’t wait to be able to use the facilities. As I looked out my window at the rain, I could see that today would be a perfect day to use the track in the Field House.

All of that was great, but what about my personal life if Tami wasn’t going to be in it? Did I want a girlfriend right now? If I did, Pam was supposed to be back today, and I really missed her. She had become one of my best friends in a very short period of time. There was another flash of lightning; of clarity, really. I really didn’t want a girlfriend.

I let that thought sink in and churn in my mind like the dark storm clouds I watched out my window. Did I need a girlfriend to validate who I was? No. Did I need a girlfriend to love me? No. Did I need yet another girl to disappoint me? Did I even need to answer that?

I let my mind race as I tried to come to grips with what really mattered to me. Was someone to love and share with really what I needed? Or was now the time to be selfish and achieve my dreams? I had a lot on my plate for the next few months: football; modeling; and my movie debut. Did I want a girl in the mix to complicate things?

I don’t know how long I stood and watched the storm, but it finally began to pass. I realized my tea had gone cold and I shook my head to try to clear it. Then the clouds seemed to part, as if on cue, and a ray of sunshine appeared. I took it as I sign that the darkness that had hovered over me would also pass. I needed to cling to that beacon of hope the sunlight represented, and get on with my life. I smiled as I realized I was ready to face the rest of my life. I vowed not to look back.

Mom and Dad were in the kitchen drinking coffee and reading the Sunday paper when I came down.

“Let’s go to Granny’s for breakfast, my treat,” I suggested.

“You think we might get a cinnamon roll?” Dad asked.

“When have we not gotten a free cinnamon roll?” Mom asked.

Poor Dad did not think this through. Once Mom and I had him in the car, and then fed, he had the pleasure of going to church with us. I’m not sure the congregation was pleased when Dad fell asleep and started to snore, though. He blamed it on the cinnamon rolls.

As I walked to my car to go for a drive, my phone rang.

“This is David.”

“Hey stranger, feel like spending some time with me today?” Pam asked.

“Is the official cooling-off period over for your dad?”

He had sent Pam and her mom on an extended vacation over the summer because he had caught Pam and me in their basement. Since we wouldn’t promise to stay away from each other, she got a vacation.

“We talked about you at length last night. I think Mom has talked some sense into him, so you’re allowed to see me again,” she said.

“Have you had lunch?” I asked.

“Nope, you want to come over and eat?”

I burst out laughing.

“You must think I have a death wish. I plan on doing the typical bad-boy drive-up-and-honk routine.”

“I think for both our sakes you need to face the music, but I promise we can go somewhere else to eat,” Pam said, and then began to talk in her sexy voice. “I might be convinced to play with your little man if you treat me right. It’s been a while for me. Someone was too chicken to come out to California.”

She had invited me, but we had agreed that her dad would probably not appreciate us circumventing his forced separation of the two of us. I missed my feisty surfer-girl friend.

I drove the Charger to Pam’s. It felt a little weird that Tami didn’t drive me, but I didn’t want her leaving to affect how I felt about driving this car. She had carted me around most of the summer in it, and I think she liked driving it more than I did. Before I could knock, Cal, Pam’s dad, opened the door and stepped outside.

“Show me your new car,” Cal said as an excuse to talk to me alone.

I tossed him the keys.

“Why don’t you take me for a ride,” I said, and he smiled at the double meaning.

We got in and he started the Charger. Cal smiled when he heard the throaty rumble of the huge 707 horsepower supercharged HEMI V8 Hellcat engine. Range Sports had partnered with Dodge and tricked the car out. They had it custom painted orange and blue, our school colors, and put my #11 on the hood. I’d received the first one off the production line. Over the summer, they had introduced the Range Sports version in different markets where professional athletes received cars to promote their product. Sandy said sales were brisk, and Dodge was happy with the results.

Cal drove us over to the State Road that ran through town, and opened it up. I shook my head when I saw the blue flashing lights behind us. Cal had the grace to look embarrassed. I smiled when I saw it was Billy, my friend on the police force. He eyed the car as he walked up.

“Hey, Cal, you know how fast you were going?” Billy asked.

You’ve got to love a small town where everyone knows who you are.

“Not exactly,” Cal confessed.

“You were doing seventy-two in a forty-five speed zone. Three more miles-per-hour and you would have hit the magic number of thirty miles-per-hour over the speed limit.”

“Should we go back and try again, so we can win the prize?” I asked.

Cal gave me a dirty look, but Billy laughed.

“You know, David, if you let me drive this beast, I might be inclined to let Cal off with a warning,” Billy offered.

“I couldn’t bribe you,” I’d begun, but Cal jumped in.

“Yes, David will let you drive his car,” he told Billy, and then turned to me. “I don’t need my insurance rates going through the roof. Plus, I have two teenage girls on my policy, one of whom you seem to want to take out later today.”

“We could call it a Safety Check, if that would make you feel better,” Billy reasoned.

I gave him permission, and we were soon back on the State Road. Billy had a lead foot. I laughed out loud when we saw another set of blue lights flashing; it was a County Sheriff. It seemed my car was a magnet for speeding tickets. How Tami managed to go the whole summer and not get a single ticket, I will never know.

“Well, look what we have here,” the County Sheriff said. “Let me guess, Safety Check?”

“Hey, Bob. I had to make sure David wasn’t going to kill himself in this thing,” Billy said.

“Did you feel safe the way Billy was driving?” the County Sheriff asked me.

“I did tighten my seatbelt up a bit,” I admitted.

“I’m thinking the County might need to do its own Safety Check.”

Billy called shotgun, so Cal and I had to sit in the back. After another death-defying ride we arrived back at the County Sheriff’s car. I wanted pictures, so I had Cal stand between the two police officers next to my car. They thought it would be funny if they had me ‘assume the position’ over the hood of my car, and took turns frisking me while the other took pictures with my phone.

After we dropped off the County Sheriff and Billy, Cal drove us toward his home. I had a huge smile on my face. Billy had forgotten to give Cal a warning.

“I better not hear a peep about what happened today,” Cal said as he scowled at me.

I don’t know what he was thinking. I had been busy posting the photos on my Pinterest account and sending out Twitter notices. His phone rang, and he was totally irresponsible and answered it while he drove.

“What do you mean, what am I doing? Uh huh,” Cal said, and gave me a hard look.

I gave him my most angelic face, which never seemed to work. Cal hung up and my phone rang. I said ‘Answer‘ and the call went through my Bluetooth to the car speakers.

“David, do I need to come get you?” Mom asked.

“No, Cal was driving,” I said, and saw him cringe as I threw him under the bus.

“They were just doing a Safety Check on David’s car,” Cal assured my mom.

“Sure they were. You two stay out of trouble,” Mom warned, and then hung up.

“That went well,” Cal said.

“Oh, she’s not done with us. She was just making sure we weren’t in any real trouble. We’ll be hearing about today for years to come,” I predicted.

“I’m just glad Cora didn’t see the pictures,” he moaned.

“Not so fast. Devin liked my Facebook post,” I told him.

His phone began to ring. I grabbed it out of his hand and went to his settings and allowed the car to answer it.

“Hey, Daddy,” Cora’s voice said over the car speakers.

“I’m driving right now. I’ll have to call you back,” he said.

“Hey, Cora. How do you like the ranch?” I asked, while I ignored the look Cal gave me.

“It’s fine. What were you and my dad doing?” she asked.

“Your mom and Pam got home, and he decided to make a run for the state line. I guess he liked being a bachelor more than he realized.”

“Don’t listen to him. I’m thinking his lunch date with Pam may get canceled.”

“Okay, you boys have fun. I’ll call you and Mom in a little bit,” Cora said, and then hung up.

When we pulled into the drive, Cal jumped out and Pam came running out of the house. She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and then we were pulling out of the drive.

“Where to?” I asked.

“Monicals!”

I had to admit she had good taste in food, even if it wasn’t on my diet. I could probably suffer through eating a pizza. She had me take the long way around so she could be seen in my muscle car with the windows down and the music blaring. I tried to keep it under the speed limit, but this car was made to run.

Over lunch we caught up. She enjoyed Range Ranch and loved Sandy, Devin Range’s sister. She said she was surprised at how happy Cora was. Pam’s trip to California had been hard on her. Her ex-boyfriend was now dating her ex-best friend and that was a lot to accept gracefully, even after their not being together for over a year. I held her hand and went to her side of the booth so I could wrap my arms around her.

I then told her about my football camps and how well I’d done. I shared with her about Jeff’s accident and his death. It was her turn to comfort me. I finally told her about Tami and my desperate plan to give her a promise ring. She laughed at me when I told her about all the candles and how bad my apartment smelled.

“I know what we need to do. We need to spend some of your money, Rich Boy,” Pam teased me.

“What did you have in mind?”

She got a gleam in her eye.

“Do you trust me?” she asked.

“Hell no!”

“Come on, you know you like me. I promise we won’t spend all your money and it won’t all be on me. I saw something in LA that all the cool kids have, and I know how important it is for you to be cool. I just want to make sure you’re cool enough to hang out with me.”

“I think there’s a song about the Cool Kids. Are you sure someone like me would qualify?”

“Baby, that’s what I’m here for. With me on your arm, you’re automatically a Cool Kid!” Pam explained.

I shook my head and paid our bill. She was excited that we were going shopping. I just hoped it was something I would like, too.

When we got to the mall she literally grabbed my hand and dragged me to the cell phone store. I just shook my head when she made me give her my phone. She found a college guy to help us. I’d hoped the cute college girl was free, but Pam made me wait until the guy was done waiting on another girl.

“Welcome. What can I help you with?” he asked.

“He needs the new iPhone. Make that two, because my phone is getting old,” Pam said as she blushed.

“Nope, not happening,” I said.

“I thought you liked me. Plus your old phone is small.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t getting one. I’m saying I’m not buying you one.”

When the salesman brought out the new version of the iPhone he showed me all the differences between my old phone and the new one. I was feeling generous and ended up buying a new recruiting phone.

I made arrangements for Kendal to come in so she could swap the old phone out. Our salesman assured me he would copy over all their contacts and apps. I called Kendal and she took care of signing the new contract. We set up a business plan so it would be paid for out of my company, and everyone would get unlimited minutes and data. While I was waiting, I thought about it and got a phone for Lily. She had worked for almost nothing, and I figured a company phone was something that she needed to do all my tweets and other social media.

As I was about to walk out, something caught my eye. It was the new Apple Watch. I ended up buying myself one. There were a lot of different choices for the iWatches. I bought the sporty one that would hold up when I ran and sweated. Pam would work on her mom and dad to get a new phone. I had faith that a teenage girl could get what she wanted from her dad. I was glad I’d said no. I couldn’t buy anyone’s love.

“David, I know you’re still hurting about what happened to Jeff. Have you been back to the lake since the accident?” she asked, and I just shook my head no. “Take me out there so I can say goodbye to him.”

We were quiet on the ride out. She took my hand and led me to the water’s edge.

“When I was twelve, I lost my friend Jake while he was surfing,” Pam said. “One minute he was there, and the next he was gone. The undertow took him. I was devastated, and blamed myself for letting him die. My dad never let us surf without a partner, but I always thought he was just being overprotective. I mean seriously, we were raised at the beach. We all called Jake Otter because he was always swimming underwater and popping up next to your board.

“I was so shook up I didn’t want to go into the water again. One day my dad forced me to go to the beach with him. He took a picnic lunch and sat me down. He explained that I needed to create new memories to associate with going to the beach. He said it was okay to never forget about Otter, but I needed to also remember all the times I’d had fun. I also needed to remember having lunch with my dad.

“I want to do that for you. I want to give you a good memory, so you can start coming back to the lake,” Pam said.

She smiled at me and began to get undressed. When she was naked, she kissed me and then ran into the lake and started to swim out to the raft. I watched as she pulled herself out of the water and gave me a little wave to get me to join her. I was enthralled as I saw the water glisten off of her sun-kissed skin. She saw me staring, and crooked her finger to indicate I should join her.

Tami might call me a ‘stupid boy, ‘ but I wasn’t a complete dummy. I got undressed and joined Pam on the raft. She lay down and looked me in the eyes as I climbed on top of her. I leaned forward and kissed her as I covered her body. She reached between us and found my hard cock and pulled it to the entrance of her vagina. I found her ready, so I sank into heaven. It was as if God had created Pam just for me. We fit together so nicely. I had really missed my friend. She had told me she wasn’t ready for a commitment, and I sure as hell wasn’t ready, but we were more than just friends. I think I had gotten it wrong when I said I preferred to just fuck. I could tell she was doing this out of love. When I finally came, it was as if she had lanced a boil and the awful things that had happened here weren’t quite as awful anymore. Pam was right. I needed a new memory, so I could enjoy the lake again.

I felt like driving and I knew exactly where we could go. We had county parkland not too far from where we were. They had a winding road that many motorcyclists found enjoyable. There was about a ten-mile stretch that hardly anyone ever used. I wanted to see how my car really handled.

I eased out of the road that led to the lake and checked both ways. A little smile touched my lips and Pam looked at me funny.

“Hang on,” I announced as I punched it.

The thing I loved about the Charger was when you told it to go, it went. I felt myself being pushed into my seat as we fishtailed onto the county road that led to the park. Pam’s eyes got big as I glanced down at the speedometer; it read seventy almost instantly. I held that speed until we found the park entrance, and then I slowed enough to keep all four wheels on the ground as I turned onto the park’s road.

I jammed the accelerator to the floor, the tires broke loose just enough to cause them to smoke, and then it was as if we were shot out of a cannon. You know your passenger is nervous when they put their hand on the dash and their knuckles turn white. The Charger had a distinctive whine as it came up to speed. I drove down the center of the two-lane road as we twisted and turned under the canopy of oak trees. I glanced down at the speedometer and we were doing one-forty. Tami would cry when she heard and wasn’t with me. Rumor had it that this monster could push over two hundred. I wasn’t quite that adventurous today.

This was what the Charger was made to do. It responded like a dream in the turns, and never gave me a moment’s concern. Gawd I loved this car. We ate up the ten miles in a flash as we rocketed onto a country road. This was a remote area; the only way in or out was through the park. The farm land was bordered on the other side by the river. The families back here were very religious, Mennonites, and all their kids were home-schooled, so I didn’t know them very well.

I saw one of the farms up ahead. It looked like they were having a party, so I slowed down. I didn’t want to hit anybody while I was going at near warp speed. I found myself applying the brakes when I saw a girl in cutoff jeans washing an old pickup truck. Unlike the Amish, the Mennonites had modern things. From this angle, I definitely needed to slow down and take stock of the situation. She heard the rumble of my Charger and turned around. I found myself pulling into the farm to stop and chat. Pam just shook her head at me and I smiled in return. I guess it was pretty ballsy of me to stop to chat up another girl while I was with Pam, but she was worth it.

The girl washing the car had on a t-shirt that was a little tight, but I wasn’t complaining. As I pulled in, I recognized where I was. This was the Pearson farm. The last time I had been here had to be three years ago. Roc Pearson was a couple of years younger than I was and had played on my little league baseball team. He had his birthday and the whole team was invited. I remembered he had a sister, but I couldn’t remember if she was older or younger. This had to be his sister, and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember her name.

I felt sorry for them, because their mom insisted that they be home-schooled like the rest of the area children. The Mennonites had the younger women teach the kids. Roc only got off the farm to play baseball. I hadn’t seen him since then. I pulled up and got out of my car. Pam of course got out, because she wasn’t missing the show.

“You want to wash mine next?” I asked.

She gave me a hard look and then recognized me.

“David, is that you?” she asked.

“Good to see you. I almost didn’t recognize you.”

We were checking each other out when I heard the distinct sound of boots as they crunched gravel. My head snapped around, and I saw Roc steadily walk towards us from the barn. He had a look on his face like Brock and Bryan Callahan had when I checked out their sister Brit.

“Mister, you might want to be stating your business,” Roc said.

She backed up to me and stood between her brother and me.

“Roc, settle down. You remember David Dawson,” she said.

Roc had grown up. He was a couple of inches shorter than I was; I would guess six-two. He had a skinny waist and a very developed upper body, which had to be from tossing bales of hay. If the girls at school saw him, he would be in high demand, because he was a good-looking boy. When he saw it was me, his whole attitude changed.

“David! What are you doing out here?” he asked.

“I heard your sister washed cars. I came out to get mine done.”

“Bullshit, she’s terrible at washing cars. I bet you were checking her out,” he teased me.

I put my hands up in surrender. Her head snapped around to see what my response was. She got a big smile on her face when she saw I had stopped for that very reason. I decided to change the subject.

“Guys, I would like to introduce my good friend, Pam,” I said.

Poor Roc must have been on the farm too long, because I thought his eyes would pop out of his head. Pam knew the effect she could have on the males of our species, and just smiled at him.

“Hey, Pam, ignore my dorky little brother. I’m Zoe, and he’s Rockefeller, or Roc for short,” Zoe said.

“You’re going to be a freshman this year, if I remember correctly,” I said, and Roc nodded in confirmation. I turned to Zoe. “What grade are you in?”

“I’m a junior, and you?” she asked.

“I’ll be a junior this year, as will Pam. Are you guys going to be home-schooled again?”

They both nodded, and didn’t look happy about it. It was such a shame Zoe wouldn’t be going to school with me. I felt bad for Roc, too. I remembered just spending the summer at my Uncle John’s farm. It could be lonely. Then I had an idea on how I could get Zoe to go to school at Lincoln High with me.

“Roc, why don’t you see about playing football with me? Do you think your parents would let you come to Lincoln to play ball?” I asked.

He seemed to brighten up. Then Zoe scowled.

“You’re not leaving me here by myself,” she told Roc.

I could see he was crestfallen. I turned to her.

“Why not join him? I’d be happy to introduce you to my friends. I’d probably have to borrow Roc’s shotgun to keep the guys away, but I think you’d like it.”

I saw Pam give me a look as she seemed to figure out my plan.

“I don’t know. We could ask,” Zoe conceded.

I went with them and found their parents. As I suspected, all the farmers back in this area were having a hog roast. Of course Pam and I were invited to stay and have a late lunch. I took Pam around and we met everyone. We then filled our plates up with all the food everyone had brought. We found an empty picnic table under a large maple tree and ate. This had turned into an almost perfect day.

I saw Roc and Zoe having a conversation with their parents. I figured I should just stay out of it.

“So?” Pam said.

I gave her my confused face. I didn’t give anything away about my attraction to Zoe. There was just something that turns me on when I see a farm girl. While she didn’t quite hold a candle to Pam’s California Surfer Girl look, she was very cute in her cutoffs and tight t-shirt. Her innocence and her upbringing were also attractive to me. I know that would surprise some people, knowing my history with girls. I think most guys would admit they would love to date someone like Pam and then marry Zoe. I know it wasn’t necessarily right, but I try to be honest.