Chapter 26

She quickly found on Monday morning that Victor had not returned to the flat. It upset her. She organised her two children with one of her caretakers and with a heavy heart drove to his house in the suburbs. Once again she was going to apologise, but she felt that this was different from the last time. Then she was in fear she might have lost him as a friend; now she was almost sure she had lost him as a lover and also as a friend. She felt fatalistic about the outcome.

The gates were wide open as if he were expecting her, and in this surmise she was correct. He knew she would come if he did not go back to the flat.

He had had the previous evening to ponder over what had transpired. He was calmer now, and his strategic brain had clarified things for him. He needed more information from her. Had she had sex with this Ian? How well did she know him? What were her feelings for the man?

He thought through his own relationship with her. He had not proposed marriage; they were friends with benefits. He began to wonder whether their sexual relationship was based on her gratitude to him for all he did for her both in the past and the present, as he helped her with her children. He really did not know where they stood in relation to each other, but he suspected that it was over, at least as lovers.

He corrected himself. In fact it would not make any difference to the outcome. She had lied to him about another man, and so he did have issues of trust.

He became more acutely aware of the age difference between them, and had seen the other man, that Ian. He was her age. If she was in love with Ian, then he was a better match, always assuming he wasn’t another wastrel like Seth.

Victor did not like the idea, but he was enough of a realist to suspect it would happen. He felt sad and depressed that something good with someone he had loved was coming to an end.

Thus equipped he waited for his errant lover to arrive. He watched the car come up the drive, operated the door-opening mechanism and waited in the hallway.

She came through the doorway and saw him; his face was impassive, unreadable.

He noted her expression. Last time there was fear, but this time he could not read her. She seemed almost emotionless. A brief sad half-smile, then nothing more he could name.

“Come through,” he said. Neither had offered a greeting. She had made no movement to embrace him, for which he was grateful; he would not have known what to do. He preceded her into the living room.

“Take a seat,” he said, sitting himself in his usual armchair. She sat on the sofa at right angles to him but at the opposite end. Significant. She had physically and symbolically accepted there was now an emotional distance between them.

She looked him in the eye.

“You will want an explanation,” she said. “Actually, you, more than anyone, deserve one.”

He nodded; beyond that there was no reaction.

She smiled a little smile, then it was gone again. “If I try to explain, then you could ask me any questions you want?”

He nodded again.

“I apologise for lying to you. I really am sorry, you deserved better from me,” she said.

She did not look or sound distraught, but quite composed.

“I’ll come to the reasons why I lied in a while.”

He nodded again, a tacit invitation to continue, that he accepted her apology. Again that flash of a brief smile on her pretty face, lighting it up as it always did.

“Ian was my first boyfriend, and I gave him my virginity. He was and is kind, gentle, steady.

“Then Seth came along, the alpha male, and I dumped Ian for Seth, who got me pregnant. The worst mistake of my life. I came up north with Seth and heard no more from Ian.

“Then last Christmas I met him again at a party. The attraction was instantaneous, and we made love at the party, and then again over Christmas week while I was there. At Christmas you and I were simply friends, so I didn’t think anything of it.

“Ian told me he’d never forgotten me and wanted to start again. He wanted me to give up my job here and live with him, but I was still getting over being dependent on Seth and needed my independence, so I put him off. He asked to see me again and said he would write. I promised to see him when I went south again.

“When I got back here, I waited for his email but it never came, so I assumed he had second thoughts. That’s when we got together.

“Then came Uncle Harry’s stroke. You know, I never even thought about Ian. You were in my thoughts looking after the children for me. When I got back I got a text from him, asking why I had not written or seen him while I was there. It turned out that my computer had put his emails into junk. I felt terrible about that and next time I went down there we spent time together and of course we made love again.

“I felt so guilty afterwards. I felt that I had betrayed your love for me. I think it was mainly fear that you would not understand, and I didn’t want to lose the friendship we had. When I got back here, you were so loving that I fell back into our usual way with each other. Then it was a feeling that I was cheating on Ian.

“I’ve had time to think about this,” she sniffed. “I really do love both of you. Ian wants me to go home and I know he wants me to marry him, but I have this problem with dependence.

“You have never said anything about settling down together, but you’ve been so kind and loving, so I have been in a dilemma. I wanted to tell both of you, but I was afraid of losing either or both of you, and I just kept putting it off. That was stupid and wrong.

“I don’t expect you to accept any of this, but it is the truth. I do love both of you. It’s not insatiable lust, you know. Not the sex. I don’t fancy one of you more than the other, but I do love both of you very much.

“That’s why when you assumed my visitor was a woman, I just went along with it. When you asked what I did with my ‘girlfriend’ I was afraid of losing you, and I lied. Please forgive me, it’s just I couldn’t make up my mind. I think I wanted it to go on for a while longer in the hope I’d find an answer, but I think it’s been decided for me, and it’s out of my hands now.

“If you want me to resign, I’ll do it,” she added.

She had finished. She hoped she’d said the right things, the true things. There was nothing to be done but wait for his verdict. She was fatalistic; she felt dead inside. She remembered that Victor told Katy he was finished with her for good.

Victor was watching her as she spoke. She seemed to have lost her spark. She told the story and it answered all his questions of her, but it provoked more that only he could answer. She was waiting for his response.

He gave it.

“First of all, your employment is now solely with the management company; it is no longer with me. You are an invaluable asset Susan as manager of the flats, and I can’t see any reason why you should resign.”

He stopped; his statement made no difference to her expression and he wondered briefly if she’d decided to go south to her boyfriend in any case. He tried to marshal his thoughts.

“Regarding our relationship. The lies have upset me, but clearly you are aware of that. Nothing to be done about that; you have explained the whys and wherefores of it. You did it and it can’t be undone.

“As you say, I made no move to make our relationship permanent, but I did assume that while we were making love you would not be seeing someone else. I count that as a betrayal of my care for you. I understand why, and I do forgive you for it. I suppose it counts as a betrayal of Ian as well, but that’s not my problem.

“Since I got back I’ve had to think things though. The conclusion I’ve come to, and what you have told me reinforces it, is that you really do love me but you love Ian as well. I’m in my later forties and you are in your twenties; I always suspected I was too old for you – no, don’t interrupt.” He cut her off before she could speak.

“You’ve confirmed that by having sex with Ian. You will understand that if our relationship were to have continued, I would always be looking over my shoulder for another man more your own age to come along.

So that means we are finished, Susan. I will miss the children, and I will miss you, but I can’t see us being ‘just friends’ after being lovers. I just can’t do that. You know that saying about lovers going back to holding hands?”

He smiled and she nodded wryly. He went on.

“I’m selling the flat in town, and as a result, I won’t be around any more. So it’s goodbye.”

“But the children?” she said as her eyes filled with tears. “They love you!”

“Susan they are very young,” he told her. “They’ll soon forget me; children adjust so quickly. I’ll miss them, but to continue seeing them would mean I would see you, and I don’t think I could cope with that.”

Her shoulders slumped and she gazed at him through her tears.

She sighed, “So this really is goodbye.”

“Yes.”

She looked at his face. He was impassive; she could not read him. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“So am I,” he smiled briefly, “but Ian is nearer your age and will be better for you. You said you love him. You’ll have to decide what to do about that.

I know you value your independence, but, Susan, Ian is not Seth, you know. You’ve done the independence thing now, and really there are more important things in life than independence. A husband might earn the money for a mother at home with the children, but he depends on her just as much. Think about that.”

She knew the meeting was at an end and stood.

“I’ll miss you so much,” she said tearfully.

“And I you,” he replied, “but it’s the best way, for both of us.”

“Hug?”

“OK.”

“Kiss?”

“OK.”

It was a short, tender kiss from both. As she left the house, Victor called her name. She stopped and turned.

“Does Ian know about you and me?” Victor asked.

“No?” she said, looking puzzled.

“Whatever you do,” he said with a smile, “don’t tell him. You haven’t committed to him yet. Understand?”

She gazed at him for a long moment, then she smiled.

“Thank you Victor. I love you.”

“And I love you.”

She got in her car and drove out of the gates. She drove for a mile and then stopped. She stared at the road ahead. The clouds above were grey, and the road was grey. Her eyes were dry, but she felt the loss of Victor intensely.

All he had done and suffered for her flashed before her memory, and she realised that in achieving independence in her life, she had unknowingly depended heavily on him. Without him she wondered if she would ever have gained her self-respect; or the confidence to live her own life and hold down a complex and demanding job.

She smiled as she thought what his response would have been to that thought. He would say she did it herself. He would be right, but only to a certain extent: he gave her the structure while leaving her free to become who she now was.

It came to her that he had withdrawn from her life so she could be free to choose Ian or her job without an additional complication. He had made life easy for her, as he always had. She felt deep gratitude to him for his strength of character, and the strength of his love for her.

She would write him a long letter telling him of her appreciation and gratitude, not to say love. She would never forget what he had done for her.

She drove on to pick up her children and return to the flat. She looked at the two small people she was responsible for as they played in the living room and everything became clear. She did love Ian, and he would make a wonderful father. They needed a father more than she need her independence. She made two phone calls.

“Ian, I want to come home. I’m ready. Will you have me?”

A silence, then a question.

“Do you want to confess anything before I answer?”

She did not hesitate and went against all the advice she’d been given.