Chapter 1

Dammit, how did I let myself get involved in this stupid job? Oh, I know how it happened, but maybe a better question would be why. Here I was on furlough from my 75^th Ranger Battalion unit after a rough tour in Syria, and I should be relaxing with some babe in her bed with a cold beer on the bedside table within easy reach. Instead, I’m out here on some bit of Godforsaken real estate helping an old college buddy survey a bit of Nowhere, Georgia, USA.

Last night, we had been in a honky tonk bar pissing and moaning about the lack of female talent presently in the bar. Suddenly, a true babe walked in, and I kind of woke up. I said something to the effect that I was going to get a piece of that tail that just walked in, and put my drink down on the bar in preparation. My buddy said that I didn’t stand a chance, so, the next thing that I knew, I had bet him that I would accomplish my plan.

He said, “Want to bet?”

“Sure, you name it, and I’ll do it if I don’t fuck her tonight.”

“Okay, I don’t have anything in mind for the bet right now, so I’ll hold a raincheck on the bet.”

By that time, I’d had enough to drink that I was certain that I couldn’t lose. I agreed, and went after the babe. I had not quite reached her when this big bruiser came out of the office and grabbed her for a knock-down-drag-out kiss that lit up the whole bar. Oh, shit! Okay, I knew that I was shot down, so I stumbled back to my buddy and said, “You win. What do you want from me?”

“I don’t know right now, but I’ll let you know when something comes up.”

Okay, I could live with that. I knew that my buddy was not going to screw me, so I didn’t worry about it. Well, that was last night, but this morning about 6 AM I got a phone call from my so-called buddy. “Good morning, Doug. I now know what I want you to do for me to pay off that bet you lost last night.”

“Okay, fine, but couldn’t it have waited until after my first cup of coffee?”

“No way, good buddy. I need you right now. My usual helper slipped and broke his leg on the way to his car this morning, and now I don’t have a helper on a surveying job that’s worth a hell of a lot of money to me. I was up shit creek until I remembered our bet and how you never welshed on a bet in your life. Well, I hate to do it to you, old friend, but I have to call in that bet this morning.”

“Oh, God, what do I have to do? I don’t know one damned thing about surveying.”

“That’s okay. Mostly you’ll be my gofer to fetch what I might need out of the pickup. Other than that, you’ll be chopping some weeds and vines out of the way so that I can shoot my line. I’ll pick you up in 30 minutes and we can grab a quick breakfast with coffee while I explain in detail what I need you for.”

“Okay, Hank, but only because you have always been such a good buddy.”

Hank picked me up as promised, and we had breakfast while he told me more about what he wanted me to do. It was no big deal, and I couldn’t refuse when he told me how much was riding on this job. We rode out to the site, and Hank handed me a machete that was razor sharp.

“Doug, you see those vines and weeds running up that hill. Well, I have to be able to see the rod you are going to hold for me while you stand on that hill. I need for you to chop those vines and weeds out of the way so that I can shoot the line from this marker put in by the US Geodetic Survey back in the Depression. Once that line is established, I’ll be able to get the rest of my shots pretty easily. Go ahead and start while I get set up here. If everything goes well, we’ll be finished before noon, and I’ll pay for the beer for the rest of the day.”

Hell, I couldn’t argue with an offer like that, so I took the machete and started hacking. What I didn’t realize was that most of my chopping would be over my head, and that is as tiring as all get-out. Well, this was South Georgia in the summer time, and I was sweating like I was under a water hose within half an hour. Dammit, I was a Ranger, and I was not going to let a little thing like a temperature of 105°F and 90% relative humidity stop me from completing a mission! Okay, so I did take my shirt off, but that was a given.

I had been chopping for about half an hour, and I was starting to complain when it happened. I was looking up where I was chopping and not down where I was stepping, and I suddenly stepped off into nothing. There was a large diameter hole right under where I stepped. The hole was masked by the long weeds down near the ground, and I never saw the hole I stepped into.

Man, that was some hole! I fell and I fell and I fell! I have no idea how long I fell, but I felt it getting hotter and hotter as I fell. My introduction to the hole had also been an introduction to very cold air, but I never thought about it because my of main interest in the fact that I was falling. It was only later that I remembered the cold air.

Anyway, it seemed like I fell for hours before I started to slow down. I stopped falling as I landed on my feet as gently as a feather. My first thought was that I had fallen into Hell because I saw standing about 35’ away from me, a big guy with horns and a trident. He yelled to a couple of beasts standing next to him, “KILL THE INTERLOPER!”

For a moment, I didn’t know that it was me he was talking about, but the two beasts that looked like a cross between a lion and a dog charged at me. Thank God I still had hold of my sharp machete. The near lion-dog jumped at me and I was able to sidestep him as he passed. I had no time to think, I just reacted and brought the sharp edge of the machete down across the creature’s back. That was enough to put that creature out of the fight, but there was another similar beast almost within reach.

This time, I did not wait for the lion-dog to leap at me; instead, I jumped at him and poked him in its open mouth and down its throat with the machete. Shit! That was a mistake that I hoped that I never made again. The beast was dead, but the machete was stuck in his throat. On top of that, the man-like creature with the horns ran at me as if to poke me in the gut with his trident.

I was now unarmed, and they had never trained us to fight a man with a pitchfork: we were just supposed to shoot him. The problem was that I did not have a gun, but I was an instructor in “unarmed combat,” so I should be able to take care of myself.

I grabbed up a little stool that was on the floor beside me and threw that in the creature’s face. The fool ducked, and that was the distraction that I needed. Before he could regain his equilibrium, I rushed him and grabbed the business end of the trident. Son of a Bitch! That thing was hot! Nevertheless, I was able to hang on and jerk the weapon toward me. The creature with the horns automatically tried to pull back, and I let him. I did not release my hold on the trident, but I let the creature fall backwards off balance.

That was when I rushed even closer and kicked him in what I assumed were his balls. To my amazement, I got no reaction of the kind I expected. However, the creature did gasp as if I had hit his solar plexus, so I guess that the result was just as good from my point of view. My next kick was aimed at the creature’s neck, and that produced the result I wanted and expected. He clawed at his throat and tried to force his windpipe back into operation, but he was not successful.

While that was going on, I recovered my machete from the dead lion-dog and used it to cut the creature’s pants off. I wanted to see why I had no luck when I kicked him where I did. The answer was simple: he had a penis, but no balls! He did not appear to be castrated, so I had no idea what was going on, but I knew not to expect much from my next kick placed there.

I wiped the blood off my machete and picked up the trident. I didn’t think much of the trident as a weapon, but it did have a longer reach than my machete. I searched for other weapons, but I did not find anything that I thought that I could use.