Chapter 42

Lunch is actually kind of fun. Irving takes us to one of his favorite restaurants, which happens to be French. I order for Hugo again—he still hasn’t got the hang of menu-speak, especially in French—and keep it fairly simple, but I take advantage of the opportunity for myself.

Irving has his usual one beer—some import or other, I’m not a beer drinker—and at my suggestion he pours a small amount into a glass for Hugo to taste. Hugo takes one sip and makes a face. Well, I’ve always thought beer is an acquired taste.

My escargot, on the other hand, are another matter. Hugo likes the one I give him so much that I wind up sharing the plate with him. He’s also a pretty big fan of the Bearnaise sauce that comes with the steak I ordered for him and scarfs it all down.

When we return to the office this time we go in the front, and Janet screeches at me and runs over to give me a big hug. I introduce her to Hugo and she’s very pleased to meet him. I guess it’s not just me, then, she isn’t quite drooling but not far from it. Hugo, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to notice or care, which I find very gratifying.

We make the rounds, and everybody says how happy they are that I’m back. I’m sure some of them mean it, but it’s pretty competitive among the associates; most law firms encourage that to maximize what they can wring out of you, and this one’s no exception. I had a leg up on most of them—you keep track of these things—and I expect a few didn’t miss me nearly so much as they say.

They’re even less happy when Irving tells them they’re going to be part of a test with Hugo. I can see the minds churning: Hugo is Linda’s boyfriend, so how come he’s getting special treatment and does that mean... ? Oh, well, I never have paid a lot of attention to office politics.

It’ll work this way: Irving says each one is to put together a two-minute talk about himself or herself. Each presentation must include at least three outright lies, more if the presenter chooses. Hugo will try to pick out the lies.

I’d enjoy watching this but Irving won’t have it; he makes me wait outside. But after the first few I start enjoying it anyway, it’s really fun seeing them go in all confident and prepared and come back out crestfallen. A few don’t seem to care much one way or the other, but most of them act like they expected to fool Hugo and apparently he isn’t getting fooled.

One guy, a man I’d always considered something of an egotistical smartass, goes in especially cocky. When he leaves he looks like a kid who just had his lollipop stolen. Hugo says later he decided to make up his entire presentation out of whole cloth, I guess so he wouldn’t offer any baseline of truth. When he got done Hugo simply said “I do not believe this man speaks one thing true except his name.” He tells me the guy just stood there and stammered for a minute and then walked out with his tail between his legs.

It all seems to go pretty smoothly. Irving privately warned Hugo up front not to volunteer observations the way he did earlier, so nobody’s little secrets get spilled out in front of God and everybody.

There is one thing, though. One of the female associates, whom I haven’t got to know very well, came out looking happier than I’d expected. It turns out that she made the mistake of mentioning a recent expensed trip she’d taken, on which she’d fudged her expense report pretty heavily; Hugo waited until she’d left to tell Irving. He says he’ll hold off a couple of months so it won’t seem related and then tie the can to her tail.

Irving’s ecstatic when he and Hugo finally come out and we all go back to his office.

“He didn’t miss once, Linda, not once!” he tells me. “A hundred percent with people he’d just met! My God, do you see the edge this gives us? We’ll have something no other firm has, and no prosecutor has either!”

I smile at him as he goes on with more like this for a couple of minutes. Then I cough discreetly to get his attention.

“Um, Irving, just one little thing. You said consultant but we haven’t talked about money yet.”

He’s a little startled, but he gets over it quickly. “Right. Well. I think we can do two hundred dollars an hour. How does that sound, Hugo?”

Hugo’s eyes get big. “You will give me two hundred dollars for each hour that I do this?” he asks incredulously. I can see him begin to realize how small-potatoes the money was he was getting for his veggies.

But I don’t let it go any further. “Five hundred sounds a lot better,” I cut in smoothly.

Irving looks at me, shocked. “Five?“ he says. “Linda, some of the partners don’t even bill that high!”

I smile at him. “You said it yourself, unique talent,” I remind him. “Think about all that advantage. Five. Plus expenses.”

He just stares at me. “Linda, after all I’ve done, I’m doing—”

“Yes,” I interrupt him. “Today’s a freebie, payback for the ID. We’re not greedy. But when it’s for real, five hundred’s cheap.” He’s still hesitating. “Come on, Irving, you’ll pass it right through to the clients anyway. Probably with a mark-up.”

“I will be goddamned,” he says. “Christ, Linda, he’ll be making ten times what you will when you come back if we use him anything like as often as I plan.”

“Good,” I tell him with a sweet smile. “The man should take the lead in such matters. But we need to talk a little more about both of the things you said.”

Hugo and I will go back to the cabin for now; Irving agrees it would be too risky to use him until the ID business is finished and he’s fully legal.