Chapter 7: Unafraid

-- MONDAY, JULY 9, 2007 --

I may not have feared the consequences of our actions, but Dawn wasn’t quite so brave. The same anxiety that had first led to her decision to leave camp early rose up in her again, and she wondered aloud if it wasn’t better for us to hide our actions and pretend like they’d never happened, at least until we could figure out what to do.

“I can’t hide something like this, not when communication and honesty are the pillars of my relationships with the girls,” I explained to her.

“I’m pretty sure not having sex with the ONE woman they told you not to fuck would also be a pillar of your relationships. Maybe it would be better if I still left camp and went back home. The next five days will be awkward enough.”

I arched an eyebrow. “Running away from the shitstorm to come?”

“No, no, it’s not that I want to run away. I’d never leave you to fend for yourself.”

I shrugged. “Then don’t leave me to fend for myself.”

“It’s just that I’m a woman.”

I snorted. “I noticed.”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “I’m being serious. I’m a woman and I know how a woman is going to react to this. After what we did, I’m now the other woman, and as long as I’m within a hundred miles of this place, your girlfriends are going to be seeing red. It’s going to color everything you try to say to them, if not completely blind them to reason.”

“Perhaps. Or maybe they’ll understand and be cool with it.”

Dawn leveled a look at me.

“Okay, okay. Maybe not ‘cool’. But I AM confident that things will work out. I know my girls.”

“Know they’re gonna be pissed.”

“At first, certainly.”

“Know that they’re gonna want to tear my head off. Yours too.”

“Well not literally.”

“Hell hath no fury...”

“That might be a little extreme.”

“But it might not. And removing myself from the picture might mean your girlfriends won’t have to go through these serious discussions with their object of hatred so close by.”

“They aren’t going to hate you for this,” I said reassuringly.

Dawn gave me a funny look. “Wanna bet?”

“Okay fine, they’re gonna hate your guts the instant they find out, and Adrienne might want to cut my balls off. But even so, you’re staying right here. No more running away. No more hiding from awkward situations just to avoid conflict. Stay with me and fight for this. Fight for us. Be unafraid.”

Shaking her head, Dawn sighed. “I wish I had your confidence.”

I gave her a warm smile. “Then have my confidence. Believe that this will work out. Unless you’d rather write this off as a mistake, crawl on your knees beseeching the girls for forgiveness, and promise to never see me again.”

That brought Dawn up short. “I’m not losing you again.”

“Agreed. So you’re going back to camp with me. And we’re gonna tell them that we just had sex. And we’re gonna tell them we’re not sorry about doing it.”

Dawn exhaled slowly, looking nervous. But after a deep breath, she stood up straight and gave me a nod. “Okay ... But before we head back, there’re a couple more things we have to get straight.”

“Like what?”

“Well for starters, was this a one-time thing and we go back to being platonic friends? Or are we going to do this again?”

Quickly, I pulled Dawn against me and sealed her lips with a kiss. The volcanic explosion of passion and love coursed through our veins, and when we broke for air I stated confidently, “I assure you that we’re going to do this again. Soon. Frequently.”

Popping her eyebrows, Dawn nodded and gave me another anxious look. “Okay then ... If we’re going to keep doing this, the other big question is: Are you gonna make me part of the harem or not?”

I took a deep breath. “That, unfortunately, is a ‘no’.”

Dawn frowned at me in surprise. “‘No’?”

“No. For one thing, I’ve got three girlfriends already, and any decision to include you as one of them is a decision not entirely up to me. Look, I heard what you said about hoping for the future, about loving me as a lover, as a boyfriend, and maybe someday as a husband. But you know I’ve got other girlfriends that I love. I don’t want to lead you on into thinking that we’re just going to pick up where we left off at the end of Junior Year as if nothing ever happened.”

Dawn shook her head. “I don’t expect us to pick up where we left off. For one thing, we didn’t leave off at a very good place.”

“I know. But that’s in the past and we’re not revisiting it again. We’re not resuming our old romance; we’re starting again. And that means doing so as friends.” I took a deep breath and gave her a serious look. “It’s going to take time for us to build this new friendship, build a new relationship, and even though I’ll always love you for being my best friend since we were babies, there’s really no way you and I can jump straight back into being boyfriend/girlfriend, especially because I already have this complicated harem.”

Dawn grimaced. “A harem of girlfriends who aren’t going to be too happy about what you and I just did.”

I sighed and nodded. “No, they’re probably not. But don’t worry: I know it’ll all work out.”

“Again, so confident. How can you know?”

I grinned. “Because I am unafraid.”

Dayna was on the front porch of my cabin when Dawn and I rounded the bend and came into view. She must’ve been waiting for quite a while. Dawn and I had been gone for hours: having our first conversation, having sex three times, and having another long conversation as we discussed our feelings for each other now that we’d gotten the sex part out of the way. It was nearly time for lunch when we finally got back, and part of me had wondered whether or not the others would simply go to the Main Lodge to eat instead of waiting around. But as soon as Dayna saw us, she opened the front door and poked her head inside. Everyone else came out onto the porch shortly thereafter.

That Dawn and I were holding hands was conspicuous enough. Our mussed up hair and Dawn’s caught-red-handed guilty expression confirmed their suspicions. And anyone familiar with the scent of our sex-sweaty bodies would be able to smell instantly that she and I had recently completed some thoroughly aerobic shagging.

Brandi was the first to gasp and mutter, “Oh my gawd,” right as we came within earshot. Dayna was blushing bright pink and sneaking furtive glances at Adrienne and Sasha. Sasha’s eyes were downcast, her eyebrows knitted as she processed her thoughts and emotions, perhaps even wondering if her worst fears had just been realized. And Kim had BJ perched on one hip, her expression a thousand-yard stare as she did her supercomputer thing.

And Adrienne? Adrienne was MAD. No, “mad” isn’t a sufficient enough descriptor. Livid, furious, irate ... perhaps if you combined all three you might reasonably approach some inadequate facsimile of the rage my primary girlfriend appeared to have stretching the boundaries of her bright red face. Her jaw was clenched, hard enough to vibrate as if her teeth were chattering inside her mouth. Her nostrils flared, and her eyes goggled out, threatening to burst from their sockets almost as much as the big vein across her forehead that threatened to pop out first. She chewed her lips, clearly trying to say something and just as clearly so apoplexed that she couldn’t manage enough control to actually do so. And she silently sputtered like an engine that wouldn’t turn over for the remainder of our approach to the front porch.

It was only after Dawn and I ascended the steps that Adrienne finally blurted out, “BEN?!? WHAT THE FUCK?!?”

Taking a deep breath, I canted my eyebrows to the sides and gave her a look of infinitely calm confidence. Even though my stomach was in knots and I couldn’t be 100% sure this would actually work out (maybe 95%), I forced myself to be unafraid. I made sure that my expression told everyone I knew exactly what I was doing, and in a cool, measured voice, I stated, “Let’s go inside.”

My calm demeanor appeared to enrage Adrienne even further, and she sputtered for a moment again before flailing her hands out in frustration and exclaiming, “The FUCK did you DO?!?”

“Think it’s pretty obvious who the fuck Ben just did,” Dayna drawled with a chortle, and her eyes popped open wide as she ducked away to avoid Adrienne’s abrupt right cross.

“HEY!” I barked as I instantly closed the gap and reached out to grab Adrienne’s right wrist. She tried to shake me off and flailed out with her left hand, trying to awkwardly punch me across her body. I easily dodged it by leaning back, and a moment later I caught her other wrist with my left hand. Adrienne’s arms were now crossed in front of her body, trapped in my iron grip, and she roared and stomped and kicked at my shins as she tried unsuccessfully to pull herself free.

That 95% confidence dropped to about 84 – I’d never imagined she’d start punching people – but I knew I had to maintain control of the situation. Giving Adrienne a stern look, I barked in a command tone, “Adrienne, STOP!”

To even MY surprise, she immediately stopped flailing. I used her wrists to rotate her toward the cabin’s front door, letting go of them and instead clamping my right hand onto her shoulder like a police officer escorting a cuffed prisoner. “Inside. NOW.”

Though she was physically compliant, Adrienne still stared daggers of hatred at me, at least until she stared daggers of hatred at Dawn. But she walked ahead of me while I maintained my grip on her shoulder. And from beside us, Sasha followed as well.

Noticing that, Dayna took two steps forward. For a split-second, I thought about telling her to stay outside, that the real dogfight would be between me, Adrienne, and Sasha. But then I realized that what had happened between me and Dawn affected everyone, so I simply nodded and waved her along.

Meanwhile, Adrienne had shrugged free of my hand and gone inside of her own accord, with Sasha following after. Dayna was next, but when I glanced over at Kim, my baby mama hoisted her little boy higher up her hip and head-nodded out toward camp. “Things are about to get noisy. I’m going to take BJ for a walk.”

“No, let me take him,” Brandi offered, stepping forward and opening her arms. “You need to be here, and I’m the only one without a real stake in this.”

I started to say something, but Brandi shot me a look and I closed my mouth. She accepted BJ from Kim, raised his arm by the wrist while telling him to ‘Say bye-bye to Mommy and Daddy’, and turned to step off the porch.

Kim then preceded us into the cabin, and finally Dawn and I entered together. I was the last one through the door, and I was still closing it when Adrienne barked angrily, “The ONE thing I told you not to do, with the ONE girl I told you not to do it with!”

“Yes,” I replied evenly as I turned back to face her, and I steadied myself before admitting frankly, “Dawn and I had sex.”

“How could you? How could you DO this to us?”

I took a deep breath, inhaling long enough for Adrienne to get fidgety. Sasha, on the other hand, simply remained quiet and observant. Kim and Dayna had taken a step back and might as well have been invisible. After I exhaled, I gave my two ‘primaries’ a helpless look and explained, “I had to.”

“Had to what?” Adrienne scoffed. “Fuck her?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“She put a gun to your head?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Did she force you in any way?”

“No, of course not.”

“THEN WOULD YOU KINDLY EXPLAIN WHY THE FUCK YOU, quote, ‘HAD’ TO FUCK HER?!?”

I took a deep breath and spread my arms out, palms up. “Because she’s Dawn. And because I couldn’t let her leave.”

“So you FUCKED her rather than let her leave.” The vile disgust in Adrienne’s eyes made my 84% confidence drop to about 76.

I nodded, recognizing that at this moment, there wasn’t any combination of letters, numbers, or hieroglyphics that wouldn’t make that percentage sink even lower, so I stayed silent and kept my hands up, palms out, gesturing for calm.

Folding her arms and narrowing her eyes, Adrienne seethed while giving me a reptilian gaze. She took deep, measured breaths with her lower jaw jutting forward in obvious anger. And for a long time the two of us simply stared at each other.

No one said a word. No one dared get between me and the livid supermodel. Kim and Dayna weren’t even within eyesight at the moment, and Dawn had instinctively taken a step behind me.

It was Sasha who started fidgeting first. Looking back and forth between me and Adrienne, she reached out with one hand and lightly brushed it across Adrienne’s forearm. That seemed to snap the outraged blonde from her little trance, and after flashing a look at Sasha, she scowled at me with an expression of absolute disgust before shaking her head in disbelief.

“I warned you,” Adrienne muttered, “that the day you had sex with her would be the day you lost me. I never thought that day would be today.”

“And it won’t be today, either. You’re not leaving me over this.”

Adrienne’s eyebrows knitted. “Excuse me?”

“You’re not leaving me,” I repeated. “We can work this out.”

“‘Work this OUT’?” That particular combination of letters only pissed her off even more. “There’s no working this out! You had SEX ... with DAWN.”

“I’m aware of that. You’re upset about that, and I don’t blame you for being upset. I went and did the one thing you told me not to do, and you have every right to be angry. But I genuinely don’t think you want to leave me over this.”

“Oh yeah? WATCH me.” With a haughty sniff, Adrienne stomped right past me, bumping my right shoulder on the way.

But as she bumped me, I reached out and caught her elbow, stopping her in her tracks. She whirled and tried to yank her arm away, but once again I held fast and commanded, “Adrienne, STOP.”

Once again, she stopped.

Still holding her elbow, I glared at her right in the eyes, letting my own frustration with her come to the surface. “You’re allowed to be upset and you’re allowed to be hurt. But you are NOT leaving me, alright? I’m not LETTING you leave me. You and I are going to sit down and TALK about this.”

“Like hell we are,” Adrienne seethed as she jerked her elbow free of my grasp. “Grab my arm again and I’ll roast your testicles over an open campfire. You so much as stare at my tits ever again and I’ll poke your eyes out with my cuticle scissors. You no longer have the right and I’ll--”

“Jeez, Adrienne, seriously?” I groaned, cutting her off. “Becoming all melodramatic isn’t going to help the situation.”

“I’m becoming melodramatic?” she scoffed. “You’re the one who just waltzed up to the cabin with your once and future soulmate’s dried pussy juices on your dick!”

I arched an eyebrow and replied, “I walked back to my cabin after having sex, yes – there’s nothing melodramatic about that. The way you’re reacting right now IS melodramatic, as is threatening to leave me.”

“I’m not ‘threatening’. I AM leaving you.”

Sighing, I rubbed my forehead and gestured to the cabin door while taking a step back. “Okay maybe it IS too soon to talk about this. You’re upset and still dealing with these raw feelings of betrayal ... Look, if you need some time and space to cool down first, then by all means go take a break. But I’m not letting you break up with me until after I’ve had a chance to explain myself.”

“There’s nothing you can say to me that’ll change my mind. I AM leaving you, you rat-cheating bastard.”

I sighed and shook my head, muttering, “No you’re not.”

“Oh yeah? Watch me.” And with that, Adrienne stomped off for the door, this time without anyone to stop her.

“I’ll be right here when you get back,” I called after her as I plopped myself onto one of the couches, and I couldn’t keep the mocking tone out of my voice as I added, “ready to talk about this like mature adults.”

Instantly, Adrienne spun back around and stomped over to me. Leaning forward, she waggled a finger in my face and spat, “Fuck you, asshole!”

My 76% confidence was down into the sixties now, but my course was set, so I simply gestured for her to sit down on the opposite couch and gave her an expectant look.

She didn’t sit. Still standing, Adrienne seethed, baring her teeth at me and staring at me with laser death eyes as she hugged herself with both arms, her hands clenching and re-clenching around her biceps. I stared right back, certain that I was right. She was still standing here, after all, which meant that as angry as she was with me, some part of her still wanted this relationship. And my confidence not only bounced back up to 76% but continued to climb higher and higher with each passing second she remained in the room.

Her death lasers weren’t getting anywhere with me, so Adrienne shifted her stare and bored down on Dawn instead. Dawn was rather less confident about how things would play out than me, and when I glanced back I saw that my ex-soulmate was wilting beneath Adrienne’s withering gaze. Only then did Dawn scurry back over and sit down on the couch beside me, staring at the floor and placing one hand on my knee as if touching me could shield herself from Adrienne’s gaze.

Of course, the sight of Dawn’s hand on my knee wouldn’t make Adrienne any happier, nor did the sight of me putting my hand on top of Dawn’s and giving it a reassuring squeeze. Clenching her jaw, Adrienne shook her head in disgust and muttered, “I can’t believe you.”

“Sit down,” I stated evenly, willing her to go along. “Talk to me.”

Arms still folded and her facial expression defiant, Adrienne nevertheless moved over and sat down on the opposite couch from me. Sasha immediately sat beside her and put her hand on Adrienne’s knee, and Adrienne placed her hand on top of Sasha’s in response.

With a relieved smile, I began, “Okay, I think we’re finally getting somewhere.”

Adrienne’s eyes were mere slits. “Think whatever you want to think. I’m giving you the chance to explain yourself, but you’re not going to convince me of anything except that you’re a lying, rat-bastard cheater who broke my heart into a million pieces. And whenever you’ve run out of breath, I’m going to leave you.”

“No you’re not. You’re my girlfriend, and you’re gonna stay my girlfriend.”

“Are you not LISTENING? I asked you to do ONE THING! To NOT have sex with Dawn! But you did it anyway! The ONE THING I feared the most!”

I shook my head. “The one thing you feared the most was NOT me having sex with Dawn. The one thing you actually feared the most, and still fear, is losing OUR relationship. That’s the one and only reason why you told me to not fuck Dawn, because you were afraid that me doing so would lead to the end of our relationship. But the only way me fucking Dawn is going to kill our relationship is if YOU kill it yourself.”

“Myself? -I- don’t need to kill it. You ALREADY killed it! Our relationship is DEAD.”

I shook my head. “Not dead yet. I’m sitting right here in front of you saying that you’re still my girlfriend. I’m sitting here saying our relationship is still alive. Are YOU really going to be the one to say it’s over? Stop, take a deep breath, and consider your options: Are YOU going to talk this over, work with me together, and keep our relationship alive? Or are YOU going to be the one to kill our relationship?”

“I’m not the bad guy here! I’m not the one who just cheated on his girlfriend!”

I shook my head. “It’s not cheating if it’s Dawn. Even you knew that.”

“Like hell it isn’t. Cheating is fucking someone you’re not supposed to. And the ONLY girl in the entire WORLD you weren’t supposed to fuck is HER!” Adrienne’s pointed over my shoulder straight at Dawn, and she jabbed it for extra emphasis. “I told you NOT to, and you did anyway! That’s the definition of cheating!”

“I had to, and I will again. Dawn and I are going to continue to have sex, but I honestly believe you’re going to be okay with it.”

“Like hell I am.”

“Let me put it this way. You have a choice: (A) I keep fucking Dawn, and you and I keep our relationship. Or (B) I keep fucking Dawn, and you and I break up. That’s not how you want this to play out.”

“I don’t want you fucking Dawn, period. I want you and I to keep our relationship, with you NOT fucking her!”

I popped my eyebrows and smiled. “So you DO want to keep our relationship, even after I had sex with her.” Confidence was back up to 92%.

“What? No!” Adrienne screwed her face up and rehashed those last couple of phrases as if they didn’t quite make sense. “You cheated on me!”

I shook my head. “Cheating isn’t about sex; it’s about emotion. You don’t have a problem with my penis entering Dawn’s vagina – you don’t have a problem with my penis entering any vagina. What you’re scared of is me falling in love with her and falling out of love with you. That didn’t happen, and it’s not going to happen. I’m not in love with Dawn. I’m still in love with you. Ergo ... I didn’t cheat.”

Adrienne jerked her head back and gave me a perplexed look. “Wait, what?”

Right beside me, Dawn sat up straight and gave me a funny look. “Wait, what?”

Gently, I moved Dawn’s hand off my knee. Still holding it in my hand, I turned to look at her and gave her a frank, honest look. “Like I said, cheating is about emotion. And Dawn, I love you, I’ll always love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you. I forgave you for everything in the past and I’m hopeful for our future. But we’ve already talked about how you and I are only now starting again, that it’s going to take time for us to build a new relationship, and that there’s no way you and I can jump straight back into any kind of romance. You and I are friends. From a cheating perspective, me having sex with you is really no different from me having sex with DJ or Brooke.”

“Says you,” Adrienne muttered.

“Whether we term what I did as cheating or not is ultimately not all that important.” Letting go of Dawn’s hand, I turned back to face Adrienne and Sasha on the other couch and explained, “What’s important is that I’m still ‘in’ love with both of you. The relationships we’ve built over the last couple of years mean everything to me, and I want to see them continue.”

Sasha looked thoughtful, but Adrienne was shaking her head as she spat, “But for how long? Even if we don’t break up now, even if she and you don’t jump straight back into a romance, how long will I get to keep you? The deed is done. The countdown has begun. You and Dawn fucked, and now it’s only a matter of time before Game Over. She becomes your wife, becomes the mother of your children, your Number One. And where will that leave us?”

“It’s not Game Over. Nothing about the future has been decided. Dawn and I are just friends – friends-with-benefits, yes – but still just friends. And you, Adrienne, you’re still my Number One.” I briefly glanced at Sasha, adding quickly, “No offense.”

Sasha’s free hand went up. “I already knew.”

Adrienne was still shaking her head. “How do -I- know? How can I know for sure that I’m not going to lose you to her?”

I shrugged and gave her an honest look. “You’ll just have to trust me.”

Adrienne frowned at that.

I arched an eyebrow. “Don’t you trust me? You’re certainly telling ME all the time, ‘Trust me, Tiger. Trust me.’”

“I DID trust you. I trusted that you wouldn’t fuck her. Now we’re here.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Again, all I can say is: I HAD to.”

“Had to why?”

I gave Adrienne a frank look and replied, “Because you tried to send her away.”

I turned to look at Dawn, finding her staring back at me with the same expression as mine. I offered up my hand, and she clasped it between both of hers looking like she’d never want to let go.

“Because I couldn’t lose you,” I told Dawn sincerely. “Not again.”

“Not again,” Dawn agreed.

“I don’t get it,” Adrienne sighed. “I thought you didn’t want her doing exactly what she’s doing right now: throwing a monkey wrench into our perfect life together.”

“I didn’t. For an entire year, I didn’t. I avoided getting into situations where we’d have prolonged contact and I pushed her away the few times we did start to talk. I valued what the rest of us had together, and I didn’t want to mess with that.”

“But you’re willing to mess with it now?”

“Circumstances changed. I didn’t want to lose her. For the past year, I knew she was at Berkeley, only twenty minutes away. Some part of me knew she wanted to talk to me, wanted to reconnect, wanted to rebuild our friendship. As long as she was hovering around, trying to get me back, I didn’t fear losing her. I thought I had all the time in the world to get over my pain, to truly forgive her for the past. I thought she’d always wait for me. But today, this morning, because of whatever you two said to her, I nearly lost her. And the instant I realized I might actually lose her, I realized I couldn’t let that happen. Not again.”

Adrienne rubbed her forehead. “So this is all MY fault.”

I shook my head. “It’s nobody’s fault.”

“But if I hadn’t convinced her to leave, you wouldn’t have done this to get her to stay. You wouldn’t have chosen to fuck her instead of preserving what we ALL had together: the perfect relationship.”

“Our ‘perfect relationship’ was status quo.”

Sasha sighed, “And nothing ever stays status quo.”

I nodded to her. “But my friendship with Dawn won’t change my relationships with you. She won’t change ‘us’.”

“Puh-lease,” Adrienne rolled her eyes. “Of course she’ll change ‘us’. Nothing ever stays status quo.”

“But YOU won’t lose ME. Our relationship won’t DIE over this.”

Still shaking her head, Adrienne muttered, “Raid all my bank accounts and spend it on drugs, murder a bunch of school kids in cold blood, butt-rape a geriatric old man in a nursing home ... Do ANYTHING else and I could readily forgive you. But did you really HAVE to go and fuck Dawn?”

I arched an eyebrow. “Didn’t we talk about you being so melodramatic?”

Adrienne just folded her arms across her chest and shook her head, exhaling slowly. As she did so, it felt like the tension around us slowly dissipated with her breath. Eventually, the room went silent, everyone lost in thought.

But just when the silence started to become awkward, Sasha finally asked, “So how is this gonna work?”

I shrugged. “That part, I don’t know. But we’ll make it work.”

Sasha looked at me expectantly, repeating, “How?”

I sat back and let my eyes drift from left to right, sweeping around to take in everyone around me, not just Adrienne. “By making it work. All of us. Together.”

“You mean the six of us having one big orgy together, seven if you include Brandi,” Sasha drawled, which drew chuckles from Dayna and Kim.

“You really want ALL the girls, don’t you?” Dayna chirped.

“Greedy,” Adrienne muttered through half-lidded eyes.

I shrugged. “I LOVE all of you.”

“Equally?” Dayna asked with a smirk.

“Differently.”

“Different but equal?”

“I’m not answering trap questions.”

“Even her?” Adrienne asked with narrowed eyes. “Even Dawn? Like a girlfriend? Are you adding her to the harem?”

Turning to look at Dawn, I found that she still held my hand between both of hers. Giving her an apologetic look, I shook my head and answered Adrienne, “No, not in the harem. I do love her, but like a best friend since childhood. I love her like ... like Dawn. Because she’s Dawn. That’s friendship, but it’s different from a regular friendship. It’s sibling, like Dayna and Brandi. But it’s not going to change the way we live our lives.”

Patting the back of Dawn’s hand, I removed mine from between hers and turned back to look at the other girls. “Dawn’s going back to Berkeley for one more year of school. The rest of us are in the city. There won’t be any significant, day-to-day changes. She’s not gonna start visiting every weekend. I’m not going to make any trips to Berkeley to go on romantic dates with her. She and I still have a long ways to go in rebuilding our friendship. But sex will be a part of it. Always was. Always will be. That’s just the way it is.”