Chapter 25: The Air I Breathe

-- TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2008 --

Brooke and DJ made their exit and closed the door behind them, leaving me and Dawn alone in our room.

Your room. She doesn’t live here, remember?

Right, right.

Taking a deep breath, I patted the bed beside me in invitation for Dawn to sit. She approached while shaking her head with a sigh. And as she turned around to slump down beside me, she muttered, “I really fucked things up last night telling you I wanted to be your girlfriend again, didn’t I?”

I frowned. “What? No, not at all. Nothing’s fucked up. Everything’s cool.”

Still shaking her head, Dawn remarked, “You know I noticed you were acting weird tonight. Silly me, I thought you felt awkward around DJ. I mean, after Tahoe, the two of you said you were both moving on, no hard feelings, and that you’d keep your friends-with-benefits relationship. But then she went out and got a boy toy, you’ve had a pretty full dance card yourself, and you two haven’t hooked up since the twins’ birthday night. So when she and Brooke showed up all flirty and seductive, I thought your hesitation was because you weren’t sure where you and DJ stood with each other.”

“You’re not wrong. I’m NOT entirely sure where DJ and I stand with each other.”

Dawn sighed. “But your forced smiles and awkward behavior weren’t primarily about her, were they?”

I winced. “Was I really acting so weird?”

“Well you certainly weren’t acting like you were super-excited to see me, rip my clothes off, and spend the rest of our lives fucking up a storm.”

I chuckled. “Believe me, I’d be only too happy to rip your clothes off and start fucking up a storm.”

She blinked twice. “Clearly, as evidenced by the way you’re ripping my clothes off right this very second,” she drawled sarcastically.

I sighed. “We need to talk about this impending relationship, that’s all. I want to make sure we’ve both thought everything through.”

“‘Impending’? You say that like it means ‘unavoidable’, ‘inexorable’, or ‘inescapable’.”

I blinked. “Not true. If I wish someone congratulations on their impending nuptials, that’s a good thing.”

“But that wasn’t the tone in your voice when you said we need to talk about this ‘impending’ relationship.”

I sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want to be in a new relationship with you. I do. I really do.”

“I know that.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do. But at the same time, you’re terrified of fucking it all up. I get it. I am too.”

I winced. “But you still want to get back together, don’t you?”

Dawn took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She started to answer, paused, canted her head to the other side, and gave me a weary look. “Not if you’re not ready for one,” she finally replied.

“I think I’m ready for one, but I’m scared.”

“So am I,” she repeated. “That’s why last night, when you started getting all syrupy-sweet before the twins showed up, it was ME hitting on the brakes on our relationship talk.”

“Then what changed? Three hours later you were holding me in your arms saying I was the wind beneath your wings and wanted to give our romance thing another shot.”

Dawn blinked at me, bemused. “You mean besides the countless orgasms you and the girls gave me? What else changed?”

I chuckled. “Yes, what else changed?”

Dawn shrugged. “Nothing else changed. I feel the same now as I felt yesterday. I’m 49% in love with you and 49% terrified of losing you, with the middle 2% subject to the syrupy-sweet things you might say, the difficulties of my day at school, and a spectacular orgasm’s amazing ability to wash my fears away. When I woke up this morning in this very bed, I was still 49% terrified of losing you, but the 49% of me madly in love was joined by the 2% of you saying ‘Yes, I’m willing to give our love another shot.’ So maybe the better question is: What changed for you? Why did you immediately say ‘yes’?”

I gave her a helpless look. “Isn’t it obvious? You asked. You could ask a hundred things of me and I’m bound to say ‘yes’ to all of them just because you’re you.”

Dawn’s eyebrows rose. “You could ask a hundred things of Adrienne and she’s bound to say ‘yes’ to all of them just because you’re you, but when it counted the most, she stepped up and said ‘no’.”

“Is that what you’re expecting of me? To step up, say ‘no’, and stop this runaway train before we lose control of it because you can’t bring yourself to stop it alone?”

“Is that what you really think? That our relationship would be a runaway train we couldn’t control?”

“I don’t know.” I winced. “What do you think?”

Dawn sighed. “I think that when I woke up this morning, I’d have been willing to find out. But your 2% is saying ‘no’.”

“My 2% is saying ‘yes’, actually,” I tried to assure her. “I was just telling that to the girls, actually.”

She measured my expression, arched an eyebrow skeptically, and led me, “But...”

With a sigh I finished quietly, “But I’m scared.”

Dawn gave me a sad look, “Me, too.”

I grimaced. “I AM getting cold feet, aren’t I?”

“Kinda.”

“I’m sorry.” I shook my head, took a deep breath, and worked up the gumption to nod my head in the affirmative. “Okay, okay. We should DO this. We should at least try. I love you, and I DO want to be with you. If you want to start our romantic relationship again, then I’m with you. We can do this. I’m saying ‘yes’.”

Dawn frowned. “I don’t want you to do this if you’re not ready.”

“I AM ready.”

Dawn arched her eyebrow. “No you’re not.”

I deflated. “But ... I can’t let you down.”

“You’re not letting me down.”

“I AM letting you down.”

Dawn looked at me seriously. “No, you’re not.”

“You’re 100% willing to give our relationship another try, terror and all. The girls said you were floating on a cloud of joy all morning, while I’m the one getting cold feet.”

Dawn shook her head. “Yeah, well, the last time we had this conversation, -I- was the one getting cold feet.”

“Our timing sucks then.”

Dawn smiled ruefully. “Yes it does.”

“Well no more out of sync bad timing.” Taking a deep breath, I worked myself up again and started nodding. “I can get over the cold feet. I can get over the fear. I’m me. You’re you. We BELONG together, and once I get past this niggling doubt, I’ll be floating on a cloud of joy right there with you. I’m ready. I’m saying ‘yes’.”

Dawn gave me a sad smile and shook her head. “I’m saying ‘no’.”

“What?”

“You’re not really ready.”

I deflated again. “I ... I...”

“You’re not really ready,” she repeated with a shrug.

I interlaced my fingers together in my lap and bowed my head with a sigh. “I’m sorry. The last thing I want is to disappoint you.”

“I’m not disappointed.”

I arched an eyebrow and looked up at her. “You expect me to believe that? After the cloud of joy you were floating on?”

“Look into my eyes when I say again: I’m not disappointed.“

I blinked, surprised to actually see the truth in her eyes. “Really?”

She took a deep breath to collect her thoughts. “I never expected our relationship to heal overnight. It took almost a whole year just to get you to start talking to me again. You moved out of Adrienne’s apartment only a month ago. You’re still getting settled into a new routine here in Berkeley. And really, when has anything about our relationship ever been smooth? I always knew this would be a three steps forward and two steps back kind of thing.”

I blinked again. “You mean like us agreeing to try starting a new romance again one night only to take it back the next day?”

Dawn gave me a sideways smirk. “Something like that.”

I sighed and reached over to cover the back of her hand with my palm. She rotated her hand beneath mine so that our palms pressed together, and she interlaced our fingers. She gave it a squeeze as I looked up into her eyes again. “I DO love you.”

“And I love you.”

“But I honestly wonder if we should ever get back together romantically again,” I admitted. “Your fault, actually.”

“My fault?”

I raised both eyebrows. “You’re making our best friend relationship so incredibly awesome, I’m afraid to mess with it. I’m happy the way things are, aren’t you?”

“Totally happy.”

“Then why risk changing it?”

“Indeed, we shouldn’t risk it,” she agreed.

“But you were ready to risk it this morning.”

“I was ready if you were ready.”

“But why? Why take the chance that we might fail?”

“Because maybe, just maybe, we could FLY.”

Hey, she stole my line!

Shut up, you.

Taking a deep breath, I looked away to take a moment to collect myself. One moment turned into two, and then three ... Somewhere around moment fifty, Dawn squeezed my hand again, just letting me know she was still there. And I squeezed back to at least acknowledge her presence while I gathered my thoughts together.

And taking another deep breath, I turned back to her to say, “I’m not entirely sure if we should ever get back together romantically again.”

Dawn gave me a warm smile. “You said that already.”

“I did, but I got sidetracked for a second by blaming you. Now hush so I can get this all out at once.”

“Hushing.” With her free hand, Dawn mimed zipping her lips.

I took one more deep breath, gathered myself, and stared my best friend in the eyes. “Part of me thinks that it doesn’t get any better than this. You say that maybe we could fly, but it kinda feels like we’re flying right now. We spend a lot of our time together, and you spend most of your nights here, but so far we haven’t yet created the expectation of you spending most of your nights here. If something comes up that you sleep somewhere else, no big deal. If you’re tired from studying and just want to crash in your own bed, no big deal. We still talk, we still make out, we still have long conversations about whatever pops into our heads, but we do all those things because we want to do them, and not because either of us feels obligated to do them.”

Dawn arched an eyebrow, wondering where I was going with this, but she kept her lips shut.

“Right now, we’re ‘nottogether’. Both of us are happy. Everything is working. Now I don’t necessarily expect the status quo to remain forever, but for now, I don’t see much reason to change. I certainly don’t see much advantage in starting an official relationship. Because from my perspective, becoming official boyfriend/girlfriend again brings up all those obligations we’re managing to avoid for now. It brings up all those expectations ... the stuff about soulmates and uniting the two families and all that jazz. It brings up DJ’s fears about you falling back into old ‘Perfect Dawn’ behaviors. Why hassle with that stuff when things are working out just fine the way they are? Why ... why...” I sighed and shrugged, finishing, “Why buy the cow when I’m getting the milk for free?”

Dawn blinked. “Did you just call me a ‘cow’?”

I grimaced. “Not what I meant.”

Dawn laughed. “Relax, I’m not offended. I get what you mean.”

I gave her a tight smile, and then held up a wagging finger. “Lips. Zipped.”

Dawn blushed and mimed re-zipping her lips.

“The cow thing ... that’s a phrase usually associated with getting sex without commitment, which technically does apply, but for me, it’s about much more than just sex. I’m getting all the benefits of having you for a girlfriend without you actually being my girlfriend. So selfishly, I don’t have much incentive to make things change. Of course, that means I’m not being fair to you.”

Dawn opened her mouth to respond, but she caught herself and re-zipped her lips.

I sighed. “I know I shouldn’t be thinking about what’s ‘fair’. Really, I’m trying to think about your happiness. And that’s probably my biggest incentive to take this leap with you, if that’s really what you want.”

Dawn fidgeted, clearly wanting to say something, so I smiled and mimed unzipping her lips for her.

“Go ahead,” I offered.

Shaking her head, Dawn said, “I don’t need an official commitment from you. I really don’t. I’m perfectly happy for you to continue getting the milk for free, as it were.”

“Perfectly happy?”

“For one thing, I’m getting the milk for free, too. I get all the benefits of having you for a boyfriend without you actually being my boyfriend, same as you. And when it comes to the two of us taking the next step ... I’m just as scared as you are, remember? Playing it safe, being cautious with our feelings, and taking our time with this are all ideas I’m 100% onboard with. I’ll be honest: I’d like our relationship to progress. I’m hoping it progresses, in fits and starts and three steps forward and two steps back and all that. I’m content to inchworm my way deeper and deeper into your life if that’s what it takes, because I’d much rather be patient about it than make the critical error that plunges us off a cliff.”

“Unless we fly off the cliff.”

“You sure you got a pair of wings? Or a jetpack?”

I sighed and shook my head in the negative. “So inchworm it is. Slow and steady wins the race.”

Dawn nodded.

“The race to what?”

She shrugged. “You sure you want me to answer that?”

I sighed. “I think I already know. Nothing’s changed since Morris Camp, has it? The heart wants what the heart wants.”

Taking a deep breath, Dawn nodded as she exhaled. “You’re the air I breathe, and I’d suffocate without you. Human beings aren’t meant to be alone. For thousands of years we’ve pair-bonded – that’s basic anthropology. I like eating pussy, but I’m not gay, so that means pair-bonding with a man. And in plain simple fact: I know I’ll never be truly happy without you.”

I shook my head. “But I can’t commit to you like that. Not yet.”

“I’m not asking you to commit to me. When have I ever asked to keep you all to myself? We both know I’m perfectly fine sharing you. And don’t give me some ‘fairness’ bullshit that if I’ve sworn male-monogamy to you then I deserve some kind of monogamy in return. I know what I want, and I know what I’m fine with. I love you just the way you are, and I really don’t think I’d ever ask more of you than you can give.”

“I’m never going to ask for male-monogamy from you ever again. Nick ... Andrew ... I know there will be other nights like Tahoe.”

“I don’t love Nick or Andrew.”

“I know you don’t.”

She took a deep breath. “While I’ll admit I’d enjoy having other nights like Tahoe, I want you to understand I’m never going to love another man the way I already love you. It’s ... inconceivable...” She gave me a little smile.

I arched an eyebrow, chuckled, and shook my head. But after a moment’s thought, I gave her a serious look. “It seemed pretty conceivable to you back at Tahoe, when we made the pact to get married when you turned 30 only IF you didn’t find a better husband. You said then that by ending up with me you’d only be ‘settling’ for the safe bet.”

“I did say that.” Dawn’s shoulders slumped. “But you were in a different place back then: Adrienne had just flown off to Hawaii, you rather insultingly asked both Dayna and DJ to take her spot, and my 2% was firmly joined to the 49% that was terrified of starting a rebound relationship with you. If we’d gotten back together then and there, especially as emotionally wrecked as you were, we might’ve already been in pieces by now.”

“And I’m not as emotionally wrecked anymore?”

She gave me a hopeful smile. “A lot’s happened since then: the official end of your relationship with Adrienne, moving here to Berkeley, spending all this time with me ... Our relationship has grown so much.”

“To the point where it’s inconceivable that you could love another man the way you already love me?”

Dawn smiled even brighter. “Yes and no.”

“So it IS conceivable that you could love another man the way you love me?”

“No, THAT part is inconceivable. I have not – and never will – love another man the way I love you. I will fight tooth and nail to keep you in my life. And no one ... NO ONE ... can ever mean to me what you already do.”

I arched an eyebrow, leading her with a, “But...”

“But...” Dawn sighed. “It still IS conceivable that I may end up married to someone else, especially because it’s still VERY conceivable that YOU may end up married to someone else.”

“And you’d be okay with that? Okay with me becoming someone else’s husband? Don’t you want me to be your husband?”

Dawn sighed, squeezed my hand, and gave me a serious look. “I love you as a lover, and I do want to love you as a boyfriend, eventually. I DO want to love you as a husband... eventually. But I’m not in a terrible hurry, and if push comes to shove, I...”

My eyebrows rose as her voice trailed off and she seemed to have trouble getting the next words out.

Sighing again, Dawn squeezed my hand one more time and finished, “If push comes to shove, if you want to marry someone else, I think I could accept that as long as I still held an important place in your life. The marriage part, the wife part: those things are titles, titles that are secondary to me. I won’t deny that there’s a piece of me that craves them. But the primary goal is to have you in my life, in whatever way I can. You say we’re awesome together as best friends, and I agree with you. If we never mean anything more to each other than what Brooke and DJ already mean to each other, it would be enough. I won’t pressure you to commit to me beyond that.”

“But I feel like I have to commit to you beyond that. If you and I are ‘just friends’, then the possibility of me marrying someone else is still on the table. If you and I are ‘just friends’, the possibility of YOU marrying someone else is still on the table, and I’m not entirely sure I know how to handle that. Yeah, you may be okay with me getting the milk for free, but if I don’t make you my cow, someday I might wake up to find you’ve become somebody ELSE’S cow.”

Dawn giggled. “There you go, calling me a ‘cow’ again...”

“I’m serious.”

“I know you are.”

I planted my palm against my forehead and rubbed it wearily. “I realize I’m being incredibly selfish about this, wanting to keep all the toys to myself and all, but it was easier to let go of Adrienne because I know she’s devoted to me, married or not. We ARE great as adoptive siblings, and I get to keep her, as it were, even if we don’t end up together. But you ... we’re best friends, and we’re GREAT as best friends, and I’m terrified of messing that up. But at the same time, I’m terrified of losing you to another guy. I don’t WANT you to be with another guy, not ... not emotionally ... So I feel like I HAVE to step up and claim you, romantically, to make sure that ... that you don’t end up somebody else’s cow.”

Dawn took my hand off my forehead and squeezed it between both of hers. Leaning forward, she stared straight into my eyes and smiled as she replied, “Don’t you get that I’m already just as devoted to you as Adrienne is? You DO get to keep me, even if we don’t end up married to each other. Let’s face it: Brooke and DJ aren’t likely to marry each other, but they will ALWAYS be together.”

“That’s different. They’re both GIRLS.”

Dawn sighed. “It’s still possible that some other man may end up becoming my husband, especially if you marry someone else. I no longer think of marrying you to be ‘settling’, but rather that marrying them would be ‘settling’ because someone else already claimed you. But while it’s still possible that I may find someone else to be my future companion, I need you to understand that the only man in this entire world who really matters to me right now is YOU. And until someone else DOES claim you, I have zero intentions of looking somewhere else. Because why in the world would I WANT anyone else but you? Not someone like Ryan. Not someone like Nick. Both are great guys, but they aren’t you. Nobody else could ever BE you. Which means there’s no way I could ever ... settle ... for anyone less than YOU.”

“That’s not fair to you.”

“Life isn’t about ‘fair’. Being with you this way makes me happy, and being happily together with you means far more to me than my life being ‘fair’.”

“I don’t deserve you,” I muttered, lowering my gaze.

“We deserve each other,” she assured me.

Taking a deep breath, I placed my other hand on top of hers, so that all four of our hands were clasped together. Squeezing them, I nodded slowly and raised my eyes to meet hers. “I love you, Dawn, and I’ll love you forever.”

“And I’ll love you forever, even if you wind up marrying someone else.”

“I don’t want to marry anyone else. I still WANT to marry you. But--”

“But you’re afraid of screwing it up. That’s fine. I’m--”

“Terrified of screwing it up, too. But that’s okay. The two of us--”

“Are just getting started again. It hasn’t even been a year since--”

“Since Morris Camp, and look how far we’ve come. Best friends.”

“Eternal friends. Without you, there’s that--”

“That void, that emptiness. I can’t go through that again. I don’t ever want to go through that again. I’d rather--”

“Rather take it slow, take our time. I can be patient. Because nothing is more important to me than--”

“Than getting it RIGHT. Better we be sure about ourselves instead of jumping headfirst--”

“Into a romance we’re not ready for. Into a romance we may NEVER be ready for. And that’s okay. Because I’ll still love you. I’ll always love you. Even if it means we never get married the way we used to think we would.”

“Because not getting married wouldn’t mean I loved you any less.”

“It might actually mean you loved me even more.”

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Because it might mean I loved you enough to let you go.”

Blinking, Dawn sat back, completely out of sync with me for the moment. “Let me go?”

“You say you could never settle for anyone else less than me. I’m saying that someday, perhaps, you might find that special someone who is more than me.”

Shaking her head, Dawn insisted, “I already told you. It’s--”

“‘Inconceivable’ ... for now. But nobody ... not even Brooke with all her ‘I can see the future’ stuff ... really knows what the future holds.”

Sighing, Dawn shook her head like I didn’t understand. “Why do you believe Adrienne when she says she devoted to you, for the rest of her life, but you don’t believe me?”

“Well for one thing, Adrienne’s gay. Call me sexist, but I’m okay with her finding romance with another woman. But you? You just told me you needed to pair-bond with a man.”

“I won’t,” she insisted. “No other man but you.”

I sighed. “But that means that if I don’t marry you, if I marry someone else and you remain unwilling to settle for anyone else but me, then you’ll end up alone.”

“Not alone. Never alone, so long as I still have your friendship.”

“But unmarried for the rest of your life. The heart wants what the heart wants, and you were floating on a cloud of joy because you thought we were starting on that path toward marriage. How could I deny you that? YOU were the one who said human beings aren’t meant to be alone. You were the one who said you wanted that pair-bond. It’s basic anthropology. And you did say it’s possible that you’d marry someone else.”

“Possible, yes.” Dawn sighed again, then finally reached up and bopped me on the forehead. “But what I NEED is YOU. As long as I’m with you, everything else is negotiable. Is that really so hard to understand? Any girl Adrienne marries is going to have to accept that you will always be a part of her life. Just like any girl you marry is going to have to accept that Adrienne will always be a part of your life, right?”

“And also accept that YOU will always be a part of my life.”

Dawn reached up and grabbed both sides of my head, staring at me from inches away. “Just like any guy I might marry would have to accept that you will always be a part of my life. It’s the same thing. No more Ryans. If the guy can’t handle it, he’s not going to merit consideration.”

“You might have a hard time finding a guy like that.”

“If I don’t, I don’t.” Dawn backed away, but not before bopping me on the forehead again. “What will it take to get through your thick skull that I don’t HAVE to be married to anyone in order to be HAPPY in my life?!? I’m not a caveman, and this isn’t about basic anthropology anymore. This is the 21st century! And I’m not YOU. I get that YOU want marriage, kids, the picket fence, and all that. And if I’m ultimately meant to be your wife in that fantasy scenario, then great! But if not, that’s okay TOO. I know what I need to be happy. I KNOW who I truly am.”

I blinked. “Then who ARE you?”

“Not Perfect Dawn. Not Ben’s destined soulmate. Those things are in the past.”

“Agreed.”

“Who I AM is your best friend, a best friend who knows that if I ever sleep with another guy behind your back that I won’t BE your best friend anymore, lack of commitments to each other or not.”

I winced. “I wouldn’t necessarily--”

“Who I am is yours,” she interrupted. “Who I am is a girl that loves you more than anything, but my love goes beyond simple romance. Who I am is a part of you, just like you’re a part of me. And who I am is someone who understands that we don’t have to be together as a romantic couple in order to be truly happy for the rest of our lives. All we have to be is together, and it will be enough.”

Gathering her hands in mine, I brought them up to my lips and kissed them gently before placing both against my chest. “I don’t deserve you,” I repeated.

“We deserve each other,” she reminded me. “Just the way we are.”

“I’m going to screw it up. I know it. I always fuck things up.”

“And you always work so hard to make things right again. Three steps forward ... and two steps back. This is a process, and I don’t want you to feel like you’re disappointing me tonight. 24 hours ago, I started freaking out because you asked me how my day went. Today, I won’t panic if you treat me ‘like’ a girlfriend, even if I’m not actually your girlfriend. I’ll welcome it instead. Inch by inch, this is progress!”

“I don’t know if I’ll EVER be ready to take that next step. I don’t know if I’ll EVER get over my fear of losing you. It hurt so much the last time,” I whimpered. “I don’t think I could take it again.”

Dawn slid her hands up onto my shoulders, holding me firmly and staring deep into my eyes. “Have faith in us,” she reassured me. “We’ve already been through so much together, the highest highs and the lowest lows. But we’re still here. Our love remains. We moved five-hundred miles away from each other when we were 10. We dated other people, and I broke your heart. But we’re right back HERE again. Not because of fate or destiny or anything our parents pushed us into doing. We’re here because we both WANT to be here, so believe in THAT. Believe in US. Believe in ME. Because I love you. Because I’m your Dawn. And you’re my Ben. Forever.”

Cradling my Dawn’s head in my hands, I leaned into her and kissed her. And the universe once more faded away.

-- WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2008 --

The clock read 6:45am when my eyes fluttered open. I didn’t need to move to see the digital readout; it was in my line of sight just past Dawn’s right ear. My arms instinctively tightened as the tingling sensation of awareness spread throughout my body, and I realized that not only was my morning wood pressed into her naked asscrack, but I was also cupping a very round, very firm breast with absolutely nothing between her skin and mine.

Reflexively, my hand squeezed the boob and my best friend moaned lightly. My mind was a blank slate, the pristine purity of complete absence of thought, with no lingering dreams nor outside thoughts intruding on these first few moments of wakefulness.

Just me. And her.

And the feel of her naked body in my arms.

I continued rubbing Dawn’s breast until I heard the barely noticeable change in her breathing. I stopped rubbing just then, but she began taking longer and deeper breaths, and presently she turned her head back to me. And as the morning light shone down brilliantly on her angelic face, my stunningly beautiful best friend lit up in a wide smile and murmured happily, “Mmm ... good morning...”