Chapter 17: Lake Tahoe III

-- MONDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2007 --

I started second-guessing myself the second after DJ walked away. I turned to watch her go, watched her head down the hallway toward the bedrooms in the north wing.

The fuck are you doing man? DJ just asked you to marry her!

I am aware of that.

And you fucking said ‘no’?!?

Technically, I didn’t answer the question.

Don’t you fucking try to dodge the issue you fucking fucked-up fucktard!

Upset now, are you?

You’d better fucking believe it! Nevermind that she’s the one of the greatest Grade-A pussies you’ve ever had, that girl fucking LOVES you. You became available and <snap>, she wanted to fucking marry you. And you fucking broke her fucking HEART.

The hamster wheel has to stop. She can’t be a broken record anymore. I had to let her out of the cage.

What the fuck does any of that even MEAN?

It means I had to break her heart, for her sake. I couldn’t trap her into being my backup plan for the rest of her life. I had to set DJ free.

The girls like to make car analogies about you, but DJ was a fucking Bugatti Veyron. You don’t just throw away a Bugatti Veyron because you’ve already got a Maybach and an Aston Martin parked in your garage. You keep all three fucking cars!

I’m not arguing with you about this anymore.

Come ON! Go AFTER her! Don’t--

“Hey, Ben. You’re up early.”

I glanced up and saw that two people had entered the living room, Nick and Deedee. Deedee had been the one to greet me. My coffee had long gone cold, but I saluted them with my mug and replied, “Good morning. You two hungry?”

Nick and Deedee glanced at each other, and Nick said immediately, “You’ve been a more than generous host. I’m sure we can figure our way around the kitchen.”

But I was already swinging my feet onto the floor and waved them off. “Please, you’re my guests. And I’m already up.”

Nick looked ready to put up a few more feeble protests, but I was already on my way into the kitchen. As much as I wanted to twist myself into knots thinking and overthinking and pondering and ruminating and all that, the idea of distracting myself from thoughts of DJ by making breakfast held a lot of appeal.

What, DJ doesn’t even merit you overthinking about that conversation? See, if you’d had that kind of long, drawn-out discussion about the state of your relationship with Dawn, you’d have spent the next three hours wandering out there in the snow, pondering the meaning of it all until you got frostbite and needed to amputate something. But DJ? Less than five minutes and you’re in the kitchen making eggs for people you barely know.

A second ago you were ordering me to go after DJ, and now you’re citing another example of how she doesn’t mean as much to me as Dawn or Adrienne. Are you trying to argue for me getting back together with DJ or argue against?

I’m arguing with you for the sake of arguing. That’s what I DO.

Whatever. I don’t love her the way she deserves. Not the way a real husband should love her. I hurt her today. I hurt her bad. But it was for her own good, to set her free. She hates me now, and she needs to hate me a bit in order to gain perspective on the situation. Eventually she’ll understand – at least I hope she will. Someday she’ll forgive me, and we’ll settle in as friends and ‘family’. The truth is: she DOES deserve better than me.

Because you’re a worthless asshole not worth loving.

Thank you for that.

And if you push them ALL away, you’ll be stuck with no one to keep you company for the rest of your life except ME. How does THAT sound?

Like Hell on Earth. Speaking of Hell, please shut the hell up. I need to make breakfast.

Me? Shut up? Inconceivable!

Seriously ... SHUT. UP.

Surprisingly, the voice in my head actually did shut up ... mostly ... He still poked up to curse at me from time to time, but for the most part, I was able to concentrate on the tasks in front of me. And after Nick and Deedee took the first batch of bacon, sausage, and eggs off my hands, I switched to waffle mix because doing so would buy me a little more time for the others to awake.

Dawn and Dayna were next, just in time for me to start putting waffles into the iron. Dawn took over doing that while I went back to eggs and bacon duty. But once I had another batch ready, Dawn told me I’d done enough and put a plate full of food into my hands before shooing me out to the dining table.

Kenzie arrived just then, and soon all six of us were at the table at varying stages of breakfast. Nick and Deedee were just about done but were happy to stay and chat with the rest of us. I felt weary from the talk with DJ, but did my best to stay engaged in the conversation, especially since Kenzie was still outrageously flirting with me. Deedee also went out of her way to thank me, Dawn, and Dayna for inviting them into our home-away-from-home for the trip; it was certainly a much nicer, more luxurious place than the condo they’d originally rented with Jared and the others.

But now our winter vacation was over, and soon it would be time for everyone to head back home in time for Christmas. Nick and Deedee would actually need to get over to the Reno airport about an hour away for a mid-afternoon flight back to L.A., and they’d already made arrangements for Jared to pick them up when he came by around lunchtime to bring Brandi back to us. Andrew would also be flying home to be with his family in Oregon for Christmas, but we would be dropping him off at the airport in Sacramento on our way home.

In the meantime, we had all morning to enjoy ourselves, and the others tossed around ideas for what to do with the time. As yet, we hadn’t really explored Incline Village. Dayna had some thoughts about staying on the “fun side” of the California/Nevada border to do some gambling and try to double her Christmas bonus. And Dawn thought we might be able to kill two birds with one stone by heading into Reno to do that gambling and also drop off Nick and Deedee at the airport so that Jared wouldn’t have to, although that would preclude the others from having the chance to say goodbye.

Ideas were on the table, but I suggested that we not make any lasting decisions without the three remaining members of our party being present. DJ, Brooke, and Andrew were all still absent, and knowing that DJ had likely gone to Brooke’s bedroom after our morning conversation, I volunteered to go check on them. But just as I got up from the table, Brooke and Andrew arrived, sans DJ.

Brooke first sent Andrew into the kitchen to look for food, and then she turned to the rest of us, explaining, “DJ and I are going for a walk. We’ve got some ... girl stuff ... we need to talk about.”

“Is everything alright?” Kenzie asked, sympathetic concern in her voice.

Brooke glanced at me for a second before giving Kenzie a tight smile. “It’s ... complicated.”

The redhead noticed Brooke’s look and glanced back at me, “Around you, seems like it always is.”

With DJ and Brooke momentarily absent, a trip as far away as Reno was out of the question. We had no idea when they might return, although Dawn expressed her opinion that they weren’t likely to be gone more than an hour. Nick thought we could probably just wait until they got back, perhaps pack up our bags and start cleaning up our food so that we wouldn’t need to do so later in the afternoon. And then after they got back, we could collectively decide how to spend our last day in Tahoe.

Andrew gathered everyone’s plates to start bussing them back into the kitchen, and Nick volunteered to help him. I told him that washing the dirty dishes was part of our cleaning fee, so not to worry about doing them. And then Kenzie took me by the hand to lead me back to the living room in front of the fireplace.

“Actually, would you excuse me for a few minutes?” I gave Kenzie an apologetic look. “There are some things I need to talk about with Dawn.”

Kenzie’s eyebrows furrowed, and she got a worried look on her face.

I smiled and quickly kissed her. “I’ll be back soon,” I said reassuringly. But when I turned around to grab Dawn, she wasn’t anywhere in sight. I found her in the kitchen, rinsing dishes and loading them in the dishwasher. Groaning, I muttered, “Didn’t I just tell everyone it was part of our cleaning fee and you didn’t need to do the dishes?”

“I’m me,” she said by way of explanation. “Besides, it’s not like I’m hand-washing everything. All I’m gonna do is toss everything into the dishwasher and push ‘Start’.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Dayna offered, stepping forward. “Go. He needs you.”

Dawn took one glance at the look on my face and nodded. She quickly rinsed her hands and dried them on a hand towel, and then walked over to me. I took her by the hand and led her back toward my bedroom, figuring it would be a private place we could talk. But just before we went inside, she let go of my hand and shook her head.

“Let’s not give Kenzie the wrong idea,” she suggested. “Grab your jacket and we’ll go down by the lake.”

I nodded my agreement and bundled up. Dawn met me outside her bedroom a minute later wearing that blue beanie and blue/green scarf. And this time when we headed outside, we did so without holding hands.

The back porch door had barely shut before my best friend looked over at me and began, “So I’m guessing this is about DJ?”

“What has she told you?”

“Nothing. I haven’t seen her.”

“Really?”

Dawn simply shrugged.

Together, we went down the stairs and along the trail down to the water’s edge. Our two big boulders from yesterday morning hadn’t gone anywhere, and it felt like there was nobody else nearby for miles to either side.

Dawn sat down not in the lotus position, but instead pulled her feet up, raised her knees up to her chest, and wrapped her arms around them. I sat on the boulder opposite hers, one that also had another rock in front of it for me to put my feet on.

“Tell me everything,” she said.

Taking a deep breath, I exhaled it slowly while gathering my thoughts. My rock was slightly shorter, and my makeshift footstool had me positioned at a slight angle away from her, so I had to look up and to my right to meet Dawn’s gaze. Raising my eyebrows, I began, “Well first off, DJ asked me to marry her.”

Dawn’s eyes popped open wide, but she didn’t look as shocked as I would have thought. “Judging by the fact that she’s not here, I’m assuming you said ‘no’.”

I sighed. “Technically, I didn’t answer the question. What I did say is that she deserved better than me.”

Dawn snorted. “Good luck with that. DJ’s pretty convinced there’s no one else on the planet better than you.”

“Well, maybe I convinced her.”

“How?”

“By telling her that I’d choose you over her in a heartbeat.”

NOW Dawn looked shocked. She sat up straight, her arms released her legs, and her knees drifted open to the sides several inches. Her jaw dropped, and if I thought her eyes had gone wide before, they were HUGE now. “You said WHAT?”

I raised both hands defensively and hurriedly explained, “Now before you start thinking this is a prelude to me trying to change the parameters of OUR relationship, let me assure you it’s not. This is entirely about me and DJ, and not about you and me.”

“And about you telling DJ you’d choose ME over HER in a heartbeat. For fuck’s sake, Ben! Just when she and I were getting back to a good place as sisters...” Dawn started rubbing her forehead.

“I’m sorry. I really hope this doesn’t screw things up between you and her. I know she’s had these inferiority issues for years, she’s been ranking herself against you and Dayna, and me saying something like that isn’t going to help.”

“Jeez, you think?”

“It just kind of came out.” I grimaced and gave her an apologetic look.

Dawn huffed, rolled her eyes, and brought her knees back up to her chest. “I think you need to start at the beginning.”

“Right, right.” I nodded my head, forced myself to refocus, and took an extra deep breath to collect my thoughts. “From the beginning...”

Dawn popped her eyebrows but waited me out. She watched me for a few seconds, stared out at the lake a little bit, and finally came back to me.

“Okay from the beginning,” I started. “DJ thought she’d accepted being just my little sister and loving each other as ‘family’, but when she found out Adrienne, Sasha, and Dayna all broke up with me, she started to see this as one of the few opportunities she may ever get to make me fall in love with her again. So she came on this trip hoping to spend some time with me, but then I spent that first night with you and then Kenzie showed up and nothing ended up going according to plan, plus she felt marginalized as ‘just one of the girls’ instead of someone I thought of as truly special and unique. She said she’s tired of feeling like a broken record, doing the same thing with me over and again, and she wants the cycle to end. So she finally just put it all on the line and asked me to marry her, just like that. It was a tempting offer, because you remember what I said about not being able to imagine marrying anyone other than you, Adrienne, or DJ? Well DJ pointed out that with Adrienne gone and you insisting on being best friends, that she’s really all I have left. But I still insisted that she deserves better than me, and when she declared that there was nothing I could say that would convince her otherwise--”

“You told her you’d choose me over her in a heartbeat,” Dawn finished, taking a deep breath and giving me a nervous look of her own.

“And Adrienne, actually,” I added. “I also said I’d choose Adrienne over her in a heartbeat. Again, just want to make sure you know this isn’t some prelude to me--”

“--trying to change the parameters of our relationship. Yeah-yeah. Keep going.”

I took another deep breath. “Well DJ said I was just saying that stuff to be mean, but I told her it was the truth. I told her the reason I could never really let her go before was because she was my backup plan, the girl I’d settle for if I couldn’t have either you or Adrienne. And I said she deserved better than being someone’s backup plan. She deserved to be someone’s Number One option, not Number Three.”

“Please tell me you didn’t actually tell her she was ‘Number Three’. Do you have any idea how much she obsesses about these rankings?”

“Umm, I’m pretty sure I never said the words ‘Number Three’ ... But ... Well ... I definitely said you and Adrienne were my Top Two.”

Dawn sighed and shook her head at me in disappointment.

“Not like everyone didn’t already know it,” I muttered defensively. “Everything I said is something we’ve ALL known for a long time already. Just none of us ever came out and SAID it.”

Glancing up at the heavens as if something up there could help her, Dawn barked a short laugh and shook her head in disbelief. “Ben, you and I are NOT getting back together.”

“I know that. We’re friends, and we’re great as friends.”

“And if Adrienne’s gone lesbian, she’s not gonna marry you either.”

“I am aware of that.”

“Then why NOT DJ? My sister LOVES you. The two of you could’ve been REALLY happy together. -I- would have been thrilled for you two to get married, and then you could’ve had DJ for your wife, me as your best friend, and Adrienne as your sister-with-benefits. Your life would’ve been amazing!”

“It’s not that simple and you know it.”

Dawn rolled her eyes at me and turned to stare off into the distance. Shaking her head, she muttered, “Why didn’t she say something? If I’d known she was gonna make a move on you this week ... Shit, I’ve been pushing Kenzie at you and... FUCK. I even stole you away on Friday night!”

“You can’t blame yourself.”

“Sure I can. I stole my little sister’s chance at finding happiness with you this weekend, and maybe even your happiness. Wouldn’t she have been the perfect wife for you? Isn’t she everything you ever wanted? How could you possibly go and say all that stuff to her?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Because it’s the truth. She DOES deserve better than me.”

“But WHY? Don’t you love her too?”

“I do. I really do.”

Dawn arched an eyebrow at my matter-of-fact tone and mock fanned her face with her right hand. “My heart’s going all pitter-patter with the intensity of your emotion,” she deadpanned.

“Don’t get me wrong: I feel a sense of loss. If it were only up to me, I’d never let her go. I’d keep all the toys for myself, but that’s not fair to her. Marrying DJ would be settling for DJ. I love her for who she is, and not as a comparison to anyone else, including you. And yet, if I did marry her, I’d always know that I only did so because I couldn’t have you or Adrienne. I’d never be able to look at my wife without thinking somewhere in the back of my head that I ... settled ... for my third choice. That’s not fair to either one of us.”

“That would be the case if you married anyone but me or Adrienne. Like if you married Sasha, or Kenzie, or ... or ... Scarlett Johansson!”

I shook my head. “It’s different. Those other girls aren’t, well, they aren’t Evans sisters. They’re separate. You, DJ, Dayna: you’re all inextricably connected. I can’t think of them without also thinking of you. It’s like what you girls said about your mom claiming to not have a favorite daughter, but that she ranks you anyway. Well I rank the three of you, too. It’s not fair. It’s not right. But it’s true, and it’s ... human. At least that’s what I tell myself to feel less guilty about it. If I married Adrienne or anyone else not named Evans, I could be happy with you as my best friend and DJ as a little sister. If I married you, I could be happy with Adrienne as my adoptive sister and DJ as a little sister. But if I married DJ ... I ... I’d...” I sighed and took one more long, deep breath. “I’d always think I married the wrong sister.”

Dawn sighed, closing her eyes and planting her face into her right palm. A moment later, she started rubbing her forehead again. “DJ’s gonna murder me in my sleep just to get me out of her way.”

I shook my head. “Wouldn’t help. Would only make things worse, actually. Then I’d think the only reason I married her was because you were dead. And then your ghost would haunt our marriage.”

Dawn thought about that. “Would you mind telling her that? And tell her before she murders me in my sleep?”

“I dunno. It might just put the idea INTO her head.”

“This is soooo fucked up,” Dawn groaned. “Even after excluding myself from the competition, I’m somehow still ruining my little sister’s shot at happiness.”

I shook my head again. “No, you’re not. DJ’s best shot at true happiness is with someone other than me, which means you’re actually helping that process along. She really does deserve better than me. She deserves better than to be stuck pining away for me for the rest of her life. I hurt her bad, and I hope she hates me for it. She needs to get over me, needs to stop being in love with me, and this time for good. She deserves to be free.”

“And what about you? Adrienne’s out. I’m out. Now DJ’s out. Where does this leave you?”

“Completely screwed.” I sighed before arching an eyebrow at her. “At least until your thirtieth birthday, that is.”

“Ben!“ Dawn exclaimed.

I raised my hands defensively. “Sorry.”

“You can’t simply replace DJ with me as your new backup plan.”

“I know, I know.”

She sighed and gave me a sad look. “Do you? Really?”

“What do you want from me?”

“I want to know if you really understand that you can’t just wait around for the next seven years until we both turn thirty. I want to know if it really bothers you that you just lost what may have been the third greatest love of your life? I want to know if you’re all torn up inside and deathly afraid of being alone for the rest of your life. And I want to know how you really FEEL, because I have to say you’re taking all of this rather calmly.”

“Maybe I’m getting more mature?”

My best friend rolled her eyes, both of us thinking of when I broke up with Adrienne and Sasha. “I’m serious: How do you feel?”

“I feel fine.”

Frowning, Dawn stared at me a little more intently and asked again, “How do you feel?”

“Really, I’m fine.”

“You keep using this word ‘fine’, so I KNOW you’re covering up all--”

“--all manner of resentments,” I finished for her. “Stop using my own phrase against me.”

“Then stop covering up your true emotions!” Huffing in annoyance, Dawn dropped off her boulder and clambered around behind me. Spreading her legs to either side of mine, she basically spooned herself up against my back, wrapped one arm around my midsection, and wrapped the other over my left shoulder and down across my chest while setting her chin down on my right shoulder. Hugging me fiercely, she repeated one more time. “How do you feel?”

I started to repeat, “I feel--”

Dawn squeezed me – hard – before I could say ‘fine’ again.

I sighed, took a deep breath, and stared out across the lake. And after a moment’s thought, I stated a little more seriously, “I don’t want to FEEL. I don’t want think about potentially being alone for the rest of my life. Why would anyone want to think about that? That shit’s depressing.”

“But that shit is real.” She hugged me a little tighter. “Look ... this is me. You don’t have to hide your emotions with me. I’m on your side. And I want to know how you really feel.”

“I don’t feel anything. It is what it is. DJ deserves better than to get strung along being my safety net but never the main attraction. And when she couldn’t cut herself loose, it was up to me to do it for her. I had to do what’s best for her, because I do love her.”

“You’re being rational again. I wanna know how you feel.”

“I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to play the ‘what if’ game wondering what I did wrong, what I should have done differently, and what might have been had I not walked away when I did? I don’t want to fantasize of how my life might have turned out had I talked her out of having the abortion. Would I be happily married with a new baby right now? Would marrying her have irreparably damaged my relationship with you? Should I have accepted her proposal just this morning just to make sure I wouldn’t have to live the rest of my life alone?”

“Should you have?”

“I don’t know!”

“You seemed pretty sure a minute ago that it was the right call.”

My shoulders slumped, and Dawn’s chin still on my shoulder went down with me. “I don’t know...” I muttered mournfully. “I really don’t want to be alone.”

“You know you’ll never truly be alone. Even if we never get married, you know I’ll never leave you again.”

“I don’t actually know that.”

“Yes, you do. Because I’ll never leave you again,” she stated emphatically.

Taking a deep breath, I sighed and patted her arm wrapped across my chest. “Good to know.”

She squeezed me tighter.

Closing my eyes, I bowed my head and muttered, “I really DO know what it’s like.”

Not following, Dawn asked, “Know what what is like?”

Still with my eyes closed, I explained, “What it’s like to stare off into the empty vacuum of your future, not knowing when or even IF you’ll ever find that kind of happiness again. Being stuck with the realization that you did it all to yourself. Knowing that you threw it away with both hands.”

“Ah ... what THAT’S like. Well...” Dawn took a deep breath and sighed. “Welcome to the club.”

I shook my head. “I already joined when I broke up with Adrienne and Sasha.”

“Maybe you did. But you certainly haven’t been showing it since then.”

“That’s because I DON’T want to stare off into the empty vacuum. I DON’T want to feel the sense of loss. I DON’T want to feel like this anymore. Why would anyone want to feel like this? Feeling like this sucks.”

“It’s called emotion. You’re allowed to feel sad.”

Shaking my head, I pried both of Dawn’s arms off my chest and slipped out from her grasp. Sliding off my boulder, I stepped onto the ground and turned back to face her. “I’m done feeling sad. I’m done feeling sorry for myself. And I don’t deserve your concern. DJ’s the one with the broken heart. You should be more worried about her.”

“DJ has Brooke. I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine.”

Dawn arched her eyebrow at me.

Rolling my eyes, I chuckled and stated, “I’ll be alright. Really, you should be more worried about her than me. I hurt her. I hurt her bad. And she’s gonna hate me for the rest of my life for it.”

“She’s not gonna hate you for the rest of your life.”

“Wanna bet?”

Taking a deep breath, Dawn looked out across the lake and started chewing on everything that had been said. Seriously, from the way she was working her mouth around, she looked like she was actually chewing. But after a long couple of minutes’ worth of thought, she exhaled slowly and looked back at me.

“You did the right thing with DJ. Telling her the truth. Hurting her, letting her hate you, and all of that,” Dawn explained. “You could have kept her as your backup plan, stringing her along for ... well ... for years. But you didn’t. You broke her heart. You set her free.”

I shook my head. “And I feel like a complete asshole for doing it.”

Dawn nodded. “I know the feeling, but it CAN get better. I’ve got living proof.”

“Living proof?”

Dawn gestured with her head toward the house. “I did the same thing to Nick last year, and look where we are now.”

Inhaling deeply, I thought about that. And as I exhaled slowly, some of the tension I’d been feeling melted away. “Well if you’ve been in my shoes before, you can tell me what happens now. You can tell me what I should do next.”

Dawn shrugged. “I don’t have a Visio flowchart you can follow. Even if I did, Nick and I are very different people from you and DJ. What worked for me and him isn’t necessarily going to work for you and her. For one thing, I broke up with Nick and then moved four hundred miles away from him. You’re gonna be stuck seeing DJ every time you come over to Berkeley.”

“Yeah about that. You’re gonna have to come visit me in San Francisco from now on...” I drawled, not serious.

Dawn chuckled and shook her head. “I’m not going to let you play the avoidance game for months on end. Fact is: you and DJ are going to have to talk again ... and again ... and again. There’s no hiding from each other. You’re gonna have to sit down and work it out. You’re still ‘family’. You’ll always be ‘family’. At the end of the day, she’ll remember that.”

“I hope so.”

Dawn took a deep breath and popped her eyebrows. “Me, too.”

“Everything alright?” Kenzie asked a little nervously as Dawn and I came back inside. She was standing alone by the patio doors, evidently having seen us walk back up the trail from the lake.

“Yeah, yeah. Everything’s alright,” I replied, putting on a smile. I watched Dawn head straight for her phone to text Brooke and DJ, and then returned my attention to Kenzie. I reached my hand out to the pretty redhead, and she offered me hers. But rather than take it, I closed the gap between us and slid my arm around her lower back.

She snuggled in against my side, looked up at me, and said, “You sure? You’ve seemed a little ... tired ... all morning.”

I chuckled. “After all that wild and crazy sex last night? Isn’t everyone tired?”

Kenzie blushed and shook her head. “Not what I meant. You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind. Heavy stuff.”

“Nothing to do with you.” I waved her off with my free hand, and guided her back toward the living room where everyone else had gathered. Dawn followed us.

Kenzie’s eyebrows rose. “Something to do with DJ?”

“Obviously, but really, it’s nothing for you to worry about. DJ and I have got a lot of history together. Maybe I’ll tell you about it someday, but not right now.” Together, Dawn, Kenzie, and I walked into the living room. Brooke and DJ were still absent, but Nick, Deedee, Dayna, and Andrew sat on the couches and armchairs in front of the fireplace. And as we joined them, I finished, “Right now it’s Christmas Eve. We’re gonna have to head home in a few more hours. Why don’t we just enjoy being on vacation while we still can?”