Chapter 9

Dad! This is really neat! I’m so glad you turned off the freeway or whatever they call it. These tall trees framing the road and the quaint little villages we are driving through are way more interesting than just another freeway.

I like it better, too. Of course it is a lot slower, but much more pleasant and we aren’t in any hurry. On top of that, the huge tolls on French autoways make them far from freeways.

Look! We are just leaving this tiny little village of four or five houses and there is a sign pointing to another village, stating it is 0.2 KM ahead.

Yep. There it is. Two hundred yards down the long winding road, there are three more houses. There must be a story there, but we will never know it.

When will we stop for lunch?

I’m trying to make it to Little Dick.

Little Dick? There’s a town named Little Dick?

Loosely translated, yes. The official name is La Petite-Pierre. It is a beautiful little village situated in the French Black Forest.

France has a Black Forest, also?

When the Rhine Valley was formed, it split a mountain range. The portion east of the Rhine is now called the Black Forest, which got its name from the density of trees that made it dark within the forest. These days, the entire Black Forest is more of a tree farm, with less closely spaced trees that resemble Firs, although the wood looks more like Maple.

The portion west of the Rhine is in France and is called the Vosges and of course it is very similar to the Black Forest it was once part of.

Ah! Here we are. Ladies and gentleman, La Petite-Pierre!

I see what you mean, Dear. It’s lovely. This lovely old hotel here, Au Lion d’Or. Is that where we will eat? I’m famished and need to use the facilities.

Yes. One of the most memorable meals of my life was eaten here. You guys go ahead and wash up. I’ll order for us.

Really, Dad? We are all cooped up in a van together and you want us to eat sauerkraut?

Don’t worry, it’s fartless kraut. The French name is Choucroute. It is made with wine instead of vinegar and is much milder, as well as less likely to generate gas. <choucroute alsacienne>

On the other side of the Rhine, in Germany, it is called the slaughterhouse plate (Schlactplatte). It is what the butcher, who has any kind of meat he wants, might eat with his potatoes and sauerkraut. Designer food, it isn’t. If you want a sampler of the best of the Rhine Valley peasant food, then dig in.

That was amazing, Dad! That hotel restaurant hanging out over the canyon rim and the wonderful food were special treats. Do you have more like that for us?

Dozens. Wait until you have the Alsatian version of pizza. If I had the money, I would open an Alsatian pizza joint in the US. It would make a fortune. The only problem is that we would have to import the ingredients, the water, the ovens and the cooks from the Rhine Valley.

Why is that?

Because within about ten miles of the Rhine River, it is fantastic. The further you get from the Rhine, the more it loses that distinctive taste. In Paris or Munich, it is ok, but nothing to write home about. In this valley--just wait.

What is it called?

The English translation is Flame Cake. The French call it Tarte Flambee and the German name is Flammekeuche.

Wow, Dad! You make it sound so great. If it’s half as good as the Choucroute, I can hardly wait.

We should be there for dinner. The village of Roeschwoog is a bit north of Strasbourg. We can visit the cathedral in Strasbourg and be in Roeschbourg just in time. It is right on the Rhine and is my favorite place for Tarte Flambee.

This cathedral is amazing! Imagine the technology it took to build such an impressive building in the 12th century, at least a century before Gutenburg’s Bible or Galileo.

Yes. It was the tallest building in the world until 1874. The cathedral is 466 feet high and the view from the top is fantastic.

Whew! That was a workout and the view is fantastic, like you said, Pop. The view up the stairs wasn’t bad, either.

Hey!

So, here we are at the cathedral of Tarte Flambee. We can sit at these long tables and they will keep bringing out the hot food until we slow down and we can finish off with the dessert version, which is sliced apples on top instead of bacon and onion sprinkles. It is doused with Calvados and lit on fire when served.

Oh, my! I’ve never tasted anything so wonderful.

I agree, and eating family style like this allows everybody to eat it hot because your second slice is from the next wave of fresh dishes instead of from an individual plate that has been cooling off while you ate the first slice.

It doesn’t hurt that they keep a steady stream of beer and wine flowing.

We can drink all we want because we will stay here overnight and attack the Black Forest tomorrow. It’s just across the river.

Daddy?

Yes, Darling?

I think I know where I want you to make me a woman.

Honey, you are already a woman in almost every way.

I know, but that one last, little thing that everyone regards so highly is going to be my gift to you and I want it to be very special.

However and whenever you give me such a gift will be very special, my precious daughter.

Thank you, Daddy. I love you.

I love you, too, Honey.

Will you snuggle me and hold my titty while I sleep?

As long as your mother snuggles my back.

Goodnight, Jane and Darren and Mitzi. Sleep well.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

So, this is the famous Black Forest?

Yes. In German, it is the Schwarzwald, meaning--wait for it--Black Forest.

And this is where our family came from?

Yep, at least my father’s family came from this area. They left here in the 1700s, to escape the marauding French.

The Germans fled from the French?

Sure did. Our family had lived here at least two hundred years, but could no longer survive here under the onslaught of the dreaded French, so they fled to America. Two hundred years later, the balance of power shifted enough that Germany was able to conquer the entire country of France with ease.

How did they do it so easily?

One reason was that the French decided that the best way to protect themselves from the Germans was to build a wall along the entire border of France and Germany, from Switzerland to Belgium. It wasn’t just a plain wall, however, It was more like a tunnel stretching the entire distance, with a railroad for transportation, barracks for the soldiers and extending high enough above ground for periodic gun emplacements. It was considered impregnable and nearly all the French defense budget was spent on it.

Then how did Germany get through it?

They didn’t. They spent their defense budget on newer technology and simply drove around the end of the line in Belgium with their much more mobile army. When they attacked, the French were wise enough to see that resistance was futile in the face of such overwhelming technology. They simply laid down their guns and waited for us to come save their asses.

Then why do they hate us now?

They don’t. It is the Brits that hate us. When they were attacked, they screamed for help and we responded all out, with troops and equipment, as well as enormous amounts of money and moral support. Now, try to find a Brit who will acknowledge that we did anything for them, while there are memorials all over France acknowledging our assistance.