Chapter 41: Insights

January 26, 1987, Chicago, Illinois

"Promise me something," Stephie said as we waited for her flight to be called.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Don't try to come see me near the end. I want you to remember me this way."

"Peaches..." I protested.

"I told you I was coming to say a proper goodbye. If it goes like I think it will, I won't be in any condition to even know that you're there. Just do this for me, please. Red will call you when it's time. Now promise me."

I sighed deeply, "I promise."

"Good. It's OK for you to call me as often as you want, though at some point, I'll be out of it most of the time from the morphine. Not yet, but by Summer, probably."

I marveled at how she could be so calm, cool, and collected about dying. It was beyond anything I could even imagine. Her 'matter-of-fact' attitude was both annoying and soothing. It was very, very odd.

"Are you going to the race if you're up to it?" I asked.

"If I'm up to it, yes, of course. But don't count on it, Yankee. That's five months away. And that's in the middle of six months to a year. And remember, that's bein' alive, not bein' in good shape."

Stephie's flight to Atlanta was called, and she, Elyse, and I stood up.

"Goodbye, Yankee. You are a true friend and were an awesome lover. I would never have made it in Chicago without you, and my life would have been far worse. I'm glad I got to know you."

"I love you, Peaches," was all I could say, while fighting back the tears.

"I love you, Yankee. Now, be well, have lots of kids, and remember me always."

"I will," I said, releasing her.

She and Elyse exchanged a quick hug, and a whispered conversation that I couldn't quite make out.

"Thanks, Elyse," Stephie said aloud. "It was great to get to know you and to spend all that time with you when I lived here."

"Goodbye, Stephie," she said, choking up similar to the way I had.

Stephie smiled at us, then took a step towards me and gave me a peck on the lips, whispered a last "I love you," then stepped over to the attendant and presented her boarding pass. She walked to the door of the Jetway, turned, flashed a big smile, waved, and then walked down the Jetway. A plane was at the other end, but it might as well have been a coffin. Unless a miracle occurred, I'd never see Stephie alive again.

When she was out of sight, I collapsed into a chair and Elyse sat down next to me. She took my hand, and we sat quietly, tears streaming from our eyes, until the door was shut, and the plane pushed back from the ramp. Once it had taxied away, we finally took deep breaths, wiping away the tears as we got up, and started to walk towards the parking lot.

"You handled that pretty well," Elyse said, slipping her hand into mine.

"What did she say to you?" I asked. "If you can tell me, that is."

"She asked me to take care of you."

"Why you, and not Kara or Jessica?"

"Because she knows me. She basically lived with us for over two years and she knows I'll do it. But I know she talked to your wives on Saturday night, too."

"Are you coming to Georgia with me, when, you know?" I asked.

"Nothing in this universe could stop me," Elyse said. "I don't care if I'm nine months pregnant or even overdue."

"Thanks," I said. "I told her that I could never have made it here without you, and that's true. If you hadn't offered to live with me, I would have been alone and adrift here."

"I knew then the same thing that Stephie found out: there was no person in this world that cared about us the way you did. You loved us unreservedly and unconditionally. You gave everything and took nothing. You still do that for me. And, at least as far as you can with her married to Jason, you do that for Stephie. Why do you think all of us girls want to be around you? Why would we put up with your very active sex life and your scores of women? It's certainly not because you're John Holmes!"

"Who?" I asked.

Elyse laughed hard, "The guy at the end of Insatiable."

I stopped and turned to stare at her.

"Uh, no, I'm not," I said. "But now you have to explain why you said that."

Elyse's laughter turned to giggles.

"Oh come on! Do you think ANYTHING happens in that house without me knowing about it? Anything at all? And before you ask, no, Kara did NOT show me the video, though I'd love to see it!"

I laughed and shook my head.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised."

"No, you shouldn't! I know you better than anyone else in that house, Bethany included, because I've lived through all of what's happened. It's different from her reading your journals or you telling Kara or Jessica about it. I experienced it. I know how you'll respond to something before you do. I know when you're getting off kilter, and which way to nudge you to get you back in line."

"True," I said.

"You're doing well, Steve. You just need to make sure you keep everything in balance, like we talked about."

"«Lagom»," I said as we reached the car.

"Yes, and Doctor Elyse has a prescription for you."

"What's that?" I asked warily as we got into the car.

"Be yourself. Don't try to be what anyone else wants you to be, and that includes your wives, well, more specifically, Jessica."

"I'm not sure I follow you. She hasn't said or done anything that makes me feel like I'm being manipulated or forced into some kind of straitjacket."

I put the car in gear and headed for the booth to pay for parking.

"No, of course not. But you have an idea of what she wants, and while it's important to keep your wife happy, you have to be happy as well. And don't give me the bit about you being happy if she's happy. That never works."

I paid the $2.00 parking fee, pulled past the now open gate, and began the drive home.

"Are you seeing something specific that's bothering you?" I asked.

"No, not at all. I think something Jackie told you that you asked me about applies here, with one addition."

"The thing about women marrying in the hopes that the man would change?"

"Yes, I think the Einstein quip was Men marry women hoping that they will never change. Women marry men hoping that they will. What Jackie didn't say, or you didn't mention, that he also said that both would be disappointed."

I chuckled, "He's probably right, too. What are you getting at?"

"The other thing Stephie said to me — to make sure that you are true to yourself. She mentioned yesterday when I talked to her that you seemed different, and not just because of her situation."

"Penny keeps telling me that I'm not nearly as much fun as I was before I got married, but I thought she was just referring to the fact that I won't sleep with her."

"That's probably the thing that's foremost in her mind, but she may be onto something. You're much more serious, and not nearly as free-spirited. Partly, it comes with the territory of being married and having kids, but it's also a mindset. I think the best way to say it is that you need to stay 'young at heart', in the sense of a younger Steve, with a good dose of maturity and responsibility."

I chuckled, "Is that your way of saying I'm not sleeping with enough different women? That I should have more dalliances?"

"Do you remember the offer I made to you which you turned down?"

"Of course," I said.

"I might have been a bit extreme in what I said, but you basically negotiated the same thing with Jessica. She's OK with it. Don't tie yourself in knots over this."

"Kara basically said the same thing," I said.

"Well, there you go. Have fun, Steve. If you learn one thing from Stephie and Birgit, learn that life can be short. Very short."

"I know," I said. "You're making a good point, as always."

"You know Kaitlin wants you pretty badly, right?" Elyse teased.

"She works for NIKA, so that's a non-starter. It's the same reason I can't be with Penny."

"But did you know that Heather wants you, too?" she teased.

"Oh stop it!" I chuckled. "She works for NIKA, too. I don't need that kind of trouble, no matter how much fun it might be!"

"So you HAVE thought about it!"

"Yes, Elyse. At least with regard to Kaitlin. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek to thank me for her bonus, and the thought crossed my mind. But that's the extent of it. Just a thought."

"Tell me to drop it if you want, but what about Leila? She's certainly up for something with no strings attached, and she doesn't work for you."

"I know. And so is Kara's friend, Effy. My concern with Leila is her living in the house. I'm afraid that she'd expect continued repeat performances, if you will. And that could be awkward. As for Effy, no thanks."

"I see your point, but I think you'll overthink every possibility and find a reason not to do it, even if it would make you happy and not cause problems with Jessica."

"Will you answer something honestly?" I asked.

"Of course," she said.

"Have you and Kara been talking?"

Elyse was silent for a moment, so I knew the answer before she gave it.

"Yes," she said. "But please don't be upset with her."

"I'm not," I said. "I know you well enough to know that you have my best interests at heart. And so does Kara. But you know what? So does Jessica. Each of you has different needs that I fill and has different goals in life. I have to balance that, along with what Jesse needs, and what our baby is going to need, as well as what NIKA needs."

"That's my point," Elyse said. "Nowhere in there did you say anything about what YOU need. And that's the source of my unease. And Stephie's. And Kara's. Talk to Bethany. She'll tell you."

"I had been thinking about going to work when I get home," I said. "I'll skip it if you want to make love."

She smiled, "Always, Steve. Always."

January 28, 1987, Chicago, Illinois

"What did you want to talk about?" Bethany asked on Wednesday evening, after I arrived home from karate practice.

"Something Elyse said to me on Monday afternoon after we dropped Stephie at the airport."

"How are you holding up?" she asked.

"Believe it or not, I'm fine. Sad. But fine. Stephie really gave me some things to think about. Not to mention a good kick in the butt in her wonderful Southern way. I'm actually meeting Father Basil for lunch tomorrow to talk through some of it."

"A priest? Is that really where you'll get the best answer?"

"Is there a best answer?" I asked. "We should talk about your vision when your heart stopped at some point. I have something interesting to tell you about that."

"So many topics! I have one for you, too."

"Your dad gave his blessing!" I grinned.

"Yes, of course. Nick and I are going to pick out a ring on Saturday. Mark June 20th on your calendar."

"You do know that there could be a conflict, depending," I said. "And it would affect a lot of people."

"I know," she said. "But we'll worry about that if it comes up."

"Congratulations! I should have said that before I mentioned Stephie. I am really happy for you. Nick did look quite satisfied and worn out the other morning!"

"I don't think Nick will have any complaints," she giggled.

"That was never in question!" I said, pulling her into a hug.

We hugged and then sat side-by-side in the wingback chairs in my office.

"So, what did Elyse say to you?"

"She's concerned that I'm so focused on doing things to make other people happy that I'm losing my ability to do things to make myself happy."

"She's right," Bethany said without even pausing for a breath.

"Then I guess it's unanimous, because I've heard that from Kara, though she put it slightly differently. Penny was less philosophical, saying that I'm not as much fun as I used to be."

"That's Penny telling you she wants to fool around!" Bethany smirked.

"No, that's Penny telling me she wants to fuck!" I chuckled. "She doesn't mince words. Elyse said you would agree with them."

"That you aren't having fun like you used to? I agree. But it has to be tempered with your responsibilities."

"Thank you! That's what I've been saying all along."

"Saying? Yes. Doing? No. What do you do for fun?"

"I suppose karate, skydiving, though I haven't this year because of running back and forth to Indianapolis and Ohio, spending time with my friends, and playing with Jesse."

"Hmm. I don't know that I'd call karate 'fun' at this point. You work really hard at it, and you enjoy it, but I'm not sure that I'd agree that it was fun. It's kind of like your programming; you enjoy it and it's satisfying, but it's not fun. Do you understand the difference?"

"I suppose I see what you're getting at."

"Let me put it this way — you've become way more serious about life. That's a good thing, and it comes with being an adult with adult responsibilities. That said, I think you might be taking it just a bit too far."

"So, what's your advice?" I asked.

"Have some fun! Let yourself go from time to time. Be spontaneous. Enjoy life."

"That's close to what Stephie told me to do," I said.

"Then take her advice. What's the last truly spontaneous thing you've done just for yourself?"

"I have no idea," I said. "But doesn't responsibility get in the way of spontaneity?"

"It can, but I'm not talking about doing something stupid like playing chicken with a CTA bus! Right now, you go to work, you come home, you eat, you go to karate, you relax for a bit and then sleep. Some weekends you go to Indianapolis. The others are all the same. Change it up!"

"Elyse thought I needed more variety in my sex life," I chuckled. "Is that what you're telling me?"

"That girl has a one-track mind! But given who's sharing her bed with her, I totally understand! That's not the only way to have fun, and you know it. Maybe it's your default mode in the past, and maybe, just maybe, there's a smidgen of truth there. But find other ways to have fun as well. If you don't, you'll eventually become a boring, bitter old man."

"That would suck," I said.

"Yes, it would. But the time to fix that is now, not when you're sixty. Did you want to talk about my vision?"

"Yes, but it's my visions I want to talk about."

"YOUR visions? I obviously missed something in your journals."

"No, you didn't. I never wrote them down. In fact, I never told anyone about them. Nobody. Not you. Not Kara. Not my sister. Not even Doctor Mercer. Nobody. Well, at least until I told Stephie about them on Saturday."

"Tell me," she requested breathlessly.

"Well, you know how I used to have fairly vivid and detailed dreams?"

"Sure. You told me about the one dealing with the Triumvirate, and of course, the ones about you, your children, and the mystery wife."

"These were different. They happened while I was in Sweden. The first one was the first night I stayed at the Anderssons' and slept in Birgit's room. The second was when Becky told me about the abortion. The third one was the night Karin, and I first made love."

"Oh my God! You saw Birgit! And the baby! You did!"

I nodded, "Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"