Chapter 12: Self Discovery - With Some Help

May 17, 1986, Chicago, Illinois

"Dance with me!" Leila insisted when I came into the sunroom.

I took her hand and led her to the dance area, then took her into my arms.

"When do you leave for home?" I asked.

"Tuesday. I'll be back in August. Thanks for letting us move in!"

"You're welcome," I said.

"So, does everyone who lives here have privileges?" she whispered.

I chuckled, "Dave lives here, so I think the answer to that is a resounding 'no'!"

She laughed, "You know what I meant!"

"Let's worry about that when you come back. You do realize that I'm married, right?" I chuckled.

She squeezed me tighter, "Married men are the perfect lovers! They're happy with the attention and there are no problems with them falling in love with you!"

"Your uncle was married?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

"Yes, of course. I went to a man with a reputation for being an expert lover. He was. We had a lot of fun. Just like I did with you. You, too, are an expert lover. And Kara didn't seem to mind when I mentioned that I wanted you again."

"As I said, we'll worry about it when you come back. But no promises."

She giggled, "You've been to paradise. I'm sure you'll want to return there!"

When the dance finished, she gave me a quick kiss on the lips and let me go back to where Kara was standing.

"Enjoy your dance?" Kara whispered in my ear.

I just smiled and nodded. I knew that no matter what I said to Kara, she'd turn it into some kind of double entendre or make some snarky comment. She'd become very, very good at that. She was also amused by the girls who were trying to entice me, knowing that she'd be the one in my bed that evening.

Bethany and Nick came over to us and Nick asked Kara to dance, which I took as a cue to ask Bethany. The four of us moved to the dance floor and danced chastely at arm's length.

"You don't have to treat me like a china doll," Bethany said.

"I don't want to upset Nick, or make you uncomfortable."

"Nick knows I'm working to be your close friend again, and he supports me in that endeavor. And you two are becoming friends. He's going to your men's breakfast next weekend, and he wants to come to the guys' nights that you're going to host."

"I'm glad. He's a good guy. But I still want to make sure I don't cause you any problems."

"Nick knows all about us. I mean all. Everything. I made a huge mistake with Andrew and I'm not going to make it again. I'm handling Nick the same way I did you — one of the first things I told him about was my rape, and then everything that happened after that, including me blowing apart our relationship."

"We did that together," I sighed. "I made mistakes. You made mistakes. Now we need to work on our intimate friendship. Jessica thinks it's important for me."

Bethany smiled, "I know. I talked to her."

"You talked to her? When?" I asked.

"About a month ago. I called her and we talked for a couple of hours."

I nodded, "I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Is it OK to ask what you talked about?"

"Mostly about you, but about me, and Kara, and Jessica, too. I'm sure of one thing after that conversation, and that is that you belong with Jessica and Kara. They complement each other perfectly, and they love each other. It's something Kara and I never could have achieved. It would have only worked with me and Kathy, and you would never have agreed to that."

"True. Once she went with Kurt, that was it. He was too close a friend, and he's becoming an even closer one. I'd say he's my best guy friend. Dave and I are close, but he works for me, so that kind of puts a fence around how close we can really be, if you know what I mean."

"I do. Kurt's a good guy."

"And so is Nick, as I said. Between those two, and Doctor Barton, I've started developing relationships I never had in the past. If you think about it, only Larry and I were close, and there was always something strained there, for whatever reason."

"He was as confused as Jennifer, and he was worried about getting too close to you, if you know what I mean."

I nodded, "I suppose that makes sense. Was he attracted to me?"

"That's a tough question to answer. I'm surprised you could even ask it, given your thinking about that kind of relationship."

"What? It wouldn't bother me one way or the other if he was attracted to me. You know my stance on that topic. And it's based on my personal sexuality, not any kind of moral outrage."

She nodded, "True. Anyway, you're right. You and Pete could be friends, but not close. He's just way too straitlaced for you and has a very different world view. And the other men in your life besides your dad were the fathers of girls you were sleeping with. I'm glad you're finding some men to talk to. That's healthy."

"I still find that I get along better with girls, even ones I'm not sleeping with, like Jackie and Sofia. They give good advice, just as you always did."

"But you need a different perspective than we can give as women. I'm sure you'll always have a few women as close confidantes. Beyond your wives, I mean."

"You?" I asked.

"I hope so. I think Penny and Sofia will be around you a lot, probably forever."

I chuckled, "Penny won't leave my side; that I'm sure of. Of course, she wants to get back into my bed, but that's a singularly bad idea for a host of reasons!"

Bethany smiled and looked at me, "And me?"

"When you're ready," I said.

Her smile grew even wider, "Thanks. I'll let you know."

When the dance finished, Nick and I changed partners and I pulled Kara into a tight embrace, while Nick and Bethany danced close, but not too close. When the song finished, the four of us went to the great room to get some snacks and drinks, and then went to the backyard.

"When do you have to report, Jake?" I asked.

"June 15th. I was surprised, but I'm happy to have a month off!"

"I'm VERY happy about that!" Joyce said with a silly smile.

She'd come up to Chicago for Jake's graduation and he'd be going back to Ohio with her before he left for South Carolina.

"So you guys are going to give it a try?" I asked.

"We are," Joyce said. "He'll be based at Kings Bay and his first assignment is shore duty."

"What did you pull?" Nick asked.

"I'll be at the Trident Refit Facility. Supposedly, I'll do eighteen months at that assignment, and then I'll be assigned to a submarine for a sea tour. But you never know with the Navy."

"True. I'm guessing that Joyce will be traveling to Georgia quite a bit!"

"I hope so!" Jake grinned.

"What about you, Cleveland?"

"South Carolina and then Virginia. I'm on the pre-commissioning unit for the USS Albany. She has about a year to go before she's launched, and then we'll do sea trials, and that kind of thing. Did you know her keel was laid down on your birthday last year?"

"No," I said. "But that's cool. So this is a submarine that's being built right now?"

"Yes. Supposedly, I'll stay with her through commissioning. What about you Nick? Do you have to do an at-sea tour?"

"Yes. I did a tour on the Enterprise as JAG afloat. I'll need to do one more at some point. But 'afloat' could also mean being deployed with a Seabee battalion or a Marine Amphibious Unit. In theory, I could have an overseas posting instead, but I want to serve on a ship again."

"How long would that be?"

"Eighteen months."

I wondered how Bethany would deal with that, but it was a question for much later, since they weren't at that point.

"Pete, are you interested in being an Agent Afloat?" Nick asked.

"No. Between you and me, my goal is to transfer to the Marshals Service. I have to remain with NIS for at least five years, and then I have to wait for a spot to open."

"Your secret's safe with me!" Nick promised. "And if my circumstances change, I could always go into private practice."

Nick neatly answered the question that I couldn't ask.

"If you decide to do that, call me," Jamie said. "I'm sure my firm would be interested in talking to you."

I saw Jeremiah Brown talking with Jackie, so I excused myself and walked over to say hello.

"Hey, Jeremiah!" I said.

"Hi, Steve. Thanks for inviting me!"

"I don't get to see you as often as I did when Jackie was living here. How was your second year?"

"Great!" he said with a grin.

"You know, you're disgusting!" Jackie said with a laugh. "At the end of every semester, I was ready to kill people!"

"I'm just better than you are!" he smirked.

"Modest, too!" she smirked.

"How are things with Sharice?" I asked.

"We want to get married, but it's tough because I'm in school and I still live at home."

"What's Sharice doing?" I asked.

"She's going to start working on a two-year associate's degree. That will let her be a teaching assistant. It's something she can do even after we have kids because she'd be home the same time they were."

"So three years, then?" I asked.

"Probably, though my dad offered to help us if we wanted to get married sooner. I'm just not sure that's a good idea, and Sharice doesn't like the idea of living with my folks."

"I can imagine," I said.

"Could they rent a room here?" Jackie asked.

"That would depend on Jennifer and Josie, really," I said.

"No," Jeremiah said. "My dad's already paying my tuition at IIT, and I can live at home for free. I'm grateful for the thought, but I don't want to burden my dad."

I nodded, understanding his position. We talked for a few more minutes before I felt a tap on my arm.

"There you are!" Effy said. "I was looking for a dance partner!"

"Jeremiah, if you'll excuse me," I said.

"Sure!" he said.

Jackie smirked and winked at me. I let Effy take me by the arm and guide me to the sunroom. Needless to say, it was a slow song — No More Lonely Nights by Paul McCartney.

I wasn't surprised when Effy stepped very close and put her arms around me. I did the same, but didn't pull her tight. It didn't matter, because she tightened her arms around me, pressing her small, firm breasts into my chest. She was doing her best to arouse me, but even if she managed to do that, nothing was going to happen.

"How about it?" she asked.

"How about what?" I said, pretending I had no idea what she was talking about.

She wasn't buying it.

"You know EXACTLY what I mean! I want a tumble!"

"Effy, I'm married," I protested, but tried to sound friendly.

"Who cares? I told you I wanted to see what the girls were talking about. It sounds like you have an amazing cock and I want to feel it in my tight little cunny!"

"I'm flattered, and you're pretty, and have a nice body, I'm not interested."

"Bull! Every guy is interested in getting laid! I promise I'm really, really good!"

"I have no doubt, but I'm really not interested."

"Now? Or ever?" she asked, loosening her grip on me.

"I don't know. Not now, for sure. No promises for the future."

"Why? Kara said it was up to you!"

"It's complicated," I said. "Talk to me in the Fall, but no promises."

"I guess there's a first time for everything!" she said.

"First time?"

"I've never been turned down before," she said.

"Don't take it personally. It's not about you. As I said, things are complicated."

We finished our dance and when the song finished, she simply walked away. I went back to stand with Kara, who was with Elyse and Sofia.

"She didn't look happy," Elyse said.

"I turned her down," I said.

"She came on to you?" Elyse asked.

"Effy wanted a 'tumble', as she called it, with Steve back in the Fall," Kara said. "She decided that she still wanted one, even though we got married. Steve's not interested, at least not now."

"Wait a minute!" Sofia protested. "You and Jessica are OK with him sleeping with other girls?"

"He's sleeping with me, Sofia," Elyse said.

"Well, yeah, but you two are going to have kids, and everyone knew that. This is like one of his random screws! And she's interested in a married man?"

"Our relationship isn't conventional," Kara said. "Jess and I are OK with it occasionally. And Effy's not the only girl who's interested in a married man! Speaking of which, Elyse, I'm going to visit my mom for a few days. You can borrow Steve from Monday afternoon until Thursday afternoon, if you want!"

"Oh, I want!" she smirked. "Unless Sofia wants him!"

"No way," Sofia said. "The only way I'll ever sleep with a married man is if I'm married to him!"

"That is the traditional approach to these things," I said. "But you know me, I'm not traditional."

"But why would Jessica accept it?" Sofia asked.

"We talked about it before we even got engaged," I said.

"Please don't take this the wrong way," Sofia said. "But I could never accept anything like that."

"I know," I said gently. "That's why we couldn't be together as a couple."

Sofia nodded and frowned. She didn't approve, but, in the end, it wasn't her life to live; it was mine. Well, it was Jessica's, Kara's, and mine, and we had to live our lives as we saw fit. That said, each day that passed took me further from my old self. The idea of sleeping with anyone new had less appeal than it ever had in the past. Elyse, and perhaps Bethany, were different. But I realized that although I was physically attracted to Effy, the desire simply wasn't there, and might never be. It was an odd feeling, but ultimately, not an unwelcome one.

"What did you think of what happened on Dallas last night?" Charlie asked.

I chuckled, "That was about as stupid as anything I could imagine. Granted, I don't watch the show, but wiping out an entire season and calling it a dream? I can't imagine that the fans are going to accept that."

"You have to admit that Pam waking up and finding Bobby in the shower was pretty shocking," she said.

"That doesn't make it any less stupid!" I grinned.

She asked me to dance, and we danced to a moderately fast song, and then I went back to stand with Kara. Later, after the party broke up, Kara and I were in bed, cuddling, after having made love.

"What's bothering you, Snuggle Bear?" she asked.

"Why do you think something's bothering me?"

"You seemed distracted when we were making love, like you were here, but your mind was elsewhere."

"I was just thinking about the whole dalliance thing. Effy's attractive, but I just don't have the desire."

"For her? Or anyone?" Kara asked.

"The whole idea of dalliances just seems off, at least for now."

"This is what Jessica hoped would happen," she said.

"Did she tell you that? Or are you assuming?"

"She told me the first time we talked privately. She could give you freedom because she was pretty sure you wouldn't use it very often, if at all."

"How will she feel if I do?" I asked.

"She'll be fine," Kara said. "She and I talked about it. It really is up to you to decide."

"Why were you pushing me?"

"Because you were acting contrary to your nature, and in the past, that's been really unhealthy for you. But I think you've changed since you proposed."

"Is that a good thing?"

"You've been changing since I met you," Kara said. "If you remember, I promised to help you change. It's taken longer than I thought it would, and I needed help from Jessica and others, but it's happened."

"Am I the man you wanted me to be?" I asked.

"Yes, though there are still a few things you need to do."

"Kids and grandkids?" I asked.

"Yes. And develop good, strong friendships with men. That's what Jessica thought would be the catalyst for change."

"But I prefer the company of women," I said. "I always have."

"Yes, you have. Bethany is sure that's because of your mom. You were looking for a mom and found your sister. But to really become a man, you had to end things with Stephanie. Of course, Jess doesn't know about that and you should never, ever tell her. Now, you have a wife, well, two wives, and you don't need the girls the way you did before. Anala taught you about intimacy and how it didn't require sex. Put that to use with Kurt, Nick, and Jamie. Bond with them like you bonded with Jackie or Anala. Well, without the sex. What's interesting is that you seem to have fallen in love with Jessica, in addition to loving her. I didn't expect that."

"What about you? You seem to have fallen in love with her as well. I certainly didn't expect THAT."

"I have, and it's not something I expected, or even wanted. Remember my original plan? This certainly doesn't fit that pattern! The very first time I met Jess, I knew she was exactly what you needed. And what I needed. What we needed. And she needed us — both of us — to make this work. She didn't realize it, but she needed someone to care for you while she was finishing her education and going through Residency. It's a lot like Bethany and me asking Elyse and Kathy to take care of you here in Chicago."