Chapter 78: Priorities

November, 1985, Chicago, Illinois

Cancer! The words hit me like a thunderbolt. An anguished 'No!' had been all I could utter.

"She has a consultation tomorrow to discuss options," Jason continued, "but it looks like surgery and chemotherapy."

"Jesus," I breathed as Kara, Kathy, and Bethany appeared at the door of my study.

"Do you know any more?" I asked apprehensively.

"They said it was, and I'm not totally sure I'm saying this right, cystadenocarcinoma, and it's classified as serious."

"Sist-adeeno-carcinoma?" I said, scribbling the phonetic spelling on a pad on my desk.

"Yeah. I think," he said.

"Is she home?" I asked.

"Yes. She was supposed to call you yesterday."

"I'm going to call her. Thanks, Jason. I appreciate you calling me."

"I wish it were with better news," he said.

"Me too, but thanks anyway."

I hung up and dialed Stephie's number. Her mom answered, and I could tell she was upset. That didn't surprise me at all, given what Red had told me. I asked for Stephie and Mrs. Grant went to let Stephie know I was on the phone. Rather than my Georgia Peach, Mrs. Grant came back on the line.

"Steve, she doesn't feel like talking right now."

I sighed, "Mrs. Grant, I know she's upset, but I want to help and that starts with her talking to me."

"I'll try again," she said.

I waited for two minutes before I heard the handset being lifted.

"Hi," I heard a very small voice say.

"Hey, Peaches," I said. "Red called me."

"I guessed," she said so quietly that I could barely hear her.

"Let me help you," I said.

"There's nothing to do now," she said. "I have to see a doctor tomorrow."

"You call me after you talk to him," I said. "Promise me."

"I will," she said.

"Peaches, I love you and I will do anything I can to help."

"Thanks, Yankee."

We said 'goodbye' and I hung up.

"Cancer?" Kara said.

"Yes," I sighed. "I'm going to call Jess and see if she can tell me anything. I know she's only a Third Year medical student, but it's a start."

"This just sucks," Bethany said.

I nodded and dialed Jessica's number. She answered on the second ring.

"Hey, Babe," I said.

"Steve? What's up?" she asked, obviously noticing the concern in my voice.

"Can you tell me what cystadenocarcinoma is? And what 'serious' classification means?"

"Um, let me look in my oncology textbook and see what it says. You know this is totally not an expert opinion, right?"

"Yes, of course."

"Wait, who has this diagnosis?"

"Stephie. My friend in Georgia. Her fiancé called me. I talked to her a bit, but she's not talking much."

I heard her flipping through pages for a minute or so.

"Ovarian cancer. And you said it's serious?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Don't get too crazy about this, Tiger. Wait until she has her appointment with the oncologist and they discuss treatment and prognosis. You heard this third hand — from Stephie's fiancé?"

"Yes."

"OK. If they caught it early, that's good. That's a major factor in surviving any cancer. I'm not going to read this to you until you know for sure. Is Kara there for you?"

"Yes, she is," I said.

"Let me speak to her, please," Jessica said.

"Kara, Jess wants to talk to you," I said.

I handed the phone to Kara, and she spoke to Jessica for about two minutes, though Kara's responses were fairly short, until I heard her tell Jess that she loved her. She hung up and pulled me up and I hugged her.

"Steve?" Bethany asked.

"Stephie has ovarian cancer, and it's bad," I said, hugging Kara tightly to me.

"Oh my God!" Bethany said. "Seriously? At her age?"

"Everyone take a deep breath," Kara said. "Jess said we need to wait for the oncologist — the cancer doctor — to tell Stephie what the actual situation is. Nobody should be going crazy right now."

I took a deep breath, and then let it out. I took a second one, and as I let it out, I realized that Jessica was right.

"Kara's right," I said. "Let's listen to Jessica and wait to hear what the doctor says tomorrow."

Kara and I fixed dinner for our housemates and Kathy and Kurt, who stayed. After dinner, Kara and I went to the sauna, and Kathy, Kurt, and Bethany joined us. Not much was said, and I spent the entire time thinking about Stephie. When we finished in the sauna, everyone took showers and Kurt and Kathy headed home. After they left, Kara pulled me aside.

"Snuggle Bear, Jess suggested I sleep in your bed with you if I thought you needed me."

"No drama, Kara. I'm fine. I'm concerned about Stephie, I really am. But there's nothing I can do about it right now and I'm not going to freak out. I responded the way that I did because I was shocked. Now I'm very, very worried."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, Kara. I'm sure. No drama. Just concern for Stephie. We'll find out tomorrow night what's going on."

Monday was a very, very long day. I must have looked at the clock or my watch 200 times during the day and that didn't help it move. I tried to stop doing that, but I couldn't. All I could think about was Stephie and her cancer. When Dany had left for her afternoon class, I gave up even trying to work. I ate my lunch and wrote in my journal. Just before 3:00pm, the phone rang.

"Steve, it's Jason."

"How is she?" I asked.

"Not good. She's going to have surgery on Thursday and start chemotherapy right away. They won't know for sure until they do the surgery, but I didn't have a good feeling about it."

"Can I talk to her?" I asked.

"She's fairly hysterical right now. Emily's here, along with a couple of Stephie's other friends, trying to comfort her."

"I can take a couple of days off work and come down," I offered.

"No, Steve," he said firmly, but also friendly. "Stephie is my girl. I need to be the one to support her."

I sighed. He was right, and he was wrong. But, in the end, she was his girl.

"I'm just trying to be a good friend," I said.

"She knows you care. Just give us a bit of time to work through this."

"How are you doing?" I asked.

"Scared," he said. "I'm really scared."

Which was how I'd felt when I was driving with Kara to Indianapolis after Bethany's accident. So many people had been there to help me — Kara, my dad, Kathy and Kurt, my sister, and Doctor Barton.

"Jason, do you have someone who you can call? A friend to talk to?"

"Yeah, but I need to be here for Stephie."

I remembered what Doctor Barton had told me back in January after Bethany's accident. That was good advice then, and I thought it was good advice now.

"You're no good to her if you don't take care of yourself."

He sighed, "I know."

"Then call someone. Have them come over to the house if you don't want to leave. But talk to somebody, please. And make sure you get enough to eat and enough sleep."

"That's good advice. When she calms down, I'll see if I can get her to call you."

"Thanks," I said.

I hung up the phone, left the study, went up to my room, threw myself onto the bed, and cried. After about fifteen minutes, I got up, took a hot shower to help clear my head, dressed, and went back downstairs. I got the pipe that Stephie had given me, filled it with tobacco, and then went out to the back yard to smoke. I sat puffing on my pipe, thinking about what I could do, and I felt helpless. For some reason, it was different from when Bethany lay close to death following her accident, but I couldn't pin down why. And suddenly, she was there.

"Steve?" Bethany said, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Hi," I said.

"I'd say you received a call, given you usually don't sit out here before dinner."

"I did," I said. "She's having surgery on Thursday and starting chemo right after. They won't know for sure until they do the surgery, but Red didn't sound very confident. He's scared, and that scares me."

She sat down next to me and put her hand on my arm.

"What are you thinking?"

"My first instinct was to get to Georgia as quickly as I could, but Red told me not to come, that Stephie was his girl, and he needed to take care of her."

She nodded, "That's not really surprising. Would you have been happy if Gene had rushed to my side and I went to him for comfort rather than you?"

I blew out a long sigh, "No. Of course not. But I'm her friend!"

"Yes, you are. And he's her fiancé. I'm sure that she knows that you care. Just give them a few days to work through this. Let her have her surgery."

"I feel helpless!" I said.

"That's normal," Bethany said gently, squeezing my arm. "Didn't you feel that way in Indianapolis?"

"Yes," I admitted. "I did."

"And when Birgit died? And when Don Joseph died?"

"Yes," I said softly.

"You can't solve every problem, nor can you be there for everyone. It's just not possible. Sometimes you just have to trust others to handle things, which you seem to do with your business. You need to focus on Jessica and Kara. I'm not saying forget Stephie, nor am I saying don't try to help her, what I'm saying is that if you want your relationship with Jessica and Kara to succeed, they HAVE to come first. Didn't you just go through that with your sister?"

"Yes; you know I did."

"Well, apply that here — just as nobody can come between you and your wives, you can't come between Red and his. And you can't be first in Stephie's heart any more than I can be first in yours. Let Red take care of his girl. Offer your support, let her know that you love her, but let them handle this as a couple."

"This sucks!" I sighed.

"Yes, I'm sure that you think it does. But you can't solve all the problems of the world. You have a baby coming in three months, you have a wedding in less than a month, you have a business to run. Stephie is not your responsibility, Steve. You can't fix this. And if you try, you're going to fail, and you could take everything down with you."

"I was there for YOU in Indianapolis!" I protested.

"You were. And that was different. You and I were basically a couple, working towards a goal. We fell short, but at the time, you were the right person to be there. If that happened now, you couldn't do the same thing. I can't be your primary focus! As much as it might hurt me to say that, I simply can't. And if you can't get your head around THAT, you have no business getting married."

I puffed my pipe quietly for a bit. She was making a good point, but I hated the point she was making. I wanted to help Stephie and be there for her. I NEEDED to be there. But I had to grudgingly acknowledge that it wasn't my place. It stopped being my place when I let her go to Jason without really lifting a finger.

"You know, Sweetheart, there are times when you're very annoying."

Bethany smiled, "That's your usual response when I'm right about something you don't want me to be right about. It's human nature we're talking about here, and, ultimately, our helplessness to affect the outcome of some situations that we encounter. You keep rejecting the Kobayashi Maru scenario, saying that you'll reprogram the computer. Tell me, then, how you, personally, are going to defeat this potential 'no-win scenario'."

"Fuck you, Sweetheart," I said, blowing out a long stream of smoke as part of a sigh.

"I fervently hope that the surgery and chemo work, but you need to prepare yourself for it not working. Encourage her, be as positive as you can with her, but you aren't Captain Kirk and this isn't a simulation. There's no computer to reprogram. She's in the hands of her doctors, just as I was after my accident. There was literally nothing you could personally do to change the outcome with me. You can't personally change the outcome with her. Life isn't Star Trek."

"Fuck you," I said, but I didn't really mean it.

"Get your shit together, call and offer your support on Wednesday, but admit that you can't fix this, at least to me, Kara, and Jessica."

"You sound as if you want me to give up!" I protested.

"No, I want you to acknowledge reality!" Bethany said, somewhat harshly. "I want you to get it through your thick skull that you can't fix everything! You can't be there for everyone! It's just not possible!"

"Life sucks, do you know that?"

"I believe I've heard you say that 'life is suffering'. Welcome to life, Steve. I also need to say something else that you might not want to hear, and that is that you need to find a male friend. If you're going to be married, and you need advice, you're going to need it from someone who is happily married. I can help you in some ways, but not in every way."

I smiled, "I just told Red that he needed to call a friend to help him."

"Then take your own damned advice, you idiot! Kurt, Dave, and Pete are all good young men. But they're young. Your father, well, because of your mom, that won't work. Don Joseph was too 'old world' for a modern relationship and in any event, he's gone now. Find someone, Steve, and cultivate a friendship. Use Kurt, Dave, and Pete, of course, but find someone, I'd say in their late 40s or early 50s, to whom you can turn for advice.

"That doesn't mean you shouldn't develop deeper relationships with the younger guys, either. Kurt's probably your best choice because you two seem to have clicked. Dave works for you, no matter what silly structure you've created, that makes it look like it's the other way around. Pete's too straitlaced for you. That will come in very handy in some circumstances, but you don't want to stifle yourself, either."

"But you're my best friend!" I protested.

"I am. But there are some things about which I can't advise you without stepping between you and your wives. And given our history, that's asking for trouble, don't you think?"

She had a point, but I wondered if she understood what she'd just said.

"You know, that pretty much precludes you even asking Jessica about being with me again," I said.

Bethany nodded, "I know. The more I think about it, the worse that idea sounds. Not from the standpoint of us having sex, which is attractive to me, but I'm concerned that Jessica might never be able to trust us alone from that point on. Do you think she could?"

"No, she probably couldn't."

"Which brings me to my next sad point. As much as it pains me to say this, you do have to stop calling me Sweetheart. Your first instinct on that was correct. It's not right for you to call me that anymore, and it will cause problems with your wives if you do. Oh, Kara will accept it because of our joint history, but don't you think it would make Jessica wonder?"

"Did I say that life sucks?" I sighed, acknowledging to Bethany that she was correct.

"Yes, you did. But we've made our choices and now we have to live with them. A lot of this stuff has been troubling me since Dave and Julia's wedding, and maybe before. I guess I just didn't realize it. The situation with Stephie just sort of drove home to me how you behave. And that's got to change if you want a happy marriage. You have a lot of responsibility now that you've never had before. You can't be cavalier about Jessica or Kara, ever. They have to come first, just as you told your sister they did.